Episode 163 – A Podcast About Kung Fu Movie Superlatives

Kalvin and Nick are Kung Fu fighting on this month’s Movie Superlatives episode. We sift through years of Kung Fu movies to find the best and worst to ever do it when it comes to hand to hand combat. We award styles, choreographies, protagonists and more and then we reveal our favorites Kung Fu (movie) masters!

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Full Episode Transcript Available Below:

Kalvin 0:07
Each week we dive deep into whatever it is we find interesting. I’m your host, Calvin. And joining me from the dojo. It’s your co host, Nick Richardson.

Nick 0:21
I’ve heard many of kiosks and wow laws

Kalvin 0:24
in flat screens.

Nick 0:27
Yeah, very good. And those are very two anytime someone breaks a lamp, which is many times in this genre.

Kalvin 0:39
Yeah, so we are here today to give out kung fu movie superlatives each month. Hmm,

Nick 0:46
I said, finally.

Kalvin 0:47
Yeah, Nick has been waiting for this for a long time. I do not watch kung fu movies, I have watched some leading up to this episode. So I was not looking forward to it. But I had some fun with this. Each month, we since like the middle of 2018, we have set out to give some made up awards to different types of movies. And we give out the awards for like different tropes and cliches that fit in within that type of movie. And we can only give out one out each award to a single movie, and no single movie can receive more than one award. At some point, we also started giving out the Socrative, which it kind of started as a joke, and then we just rolled with it. And these are the exact opposites of the superlatives. So they’re the worst version of everything.

Nick 1:30
This genre is rife with both.

Kalvin 1:32
Yeah. And it’s sometimes hard to navigate. Which one is which, because sometimes they’re like so bad that they’re good. And you come all the way around on it.

Nick 1:41
Right? Or, you know, there’s portions of it that are so bad, and then very minimal sections that are so brilliant that it kind of makes up for the bad.

Kalvin 1:52
Exactly. So kung fu if you’re unfamiliar, like I was prior to this. This is the Chinese martial arts, also called Wu Shu or Kwanzaa. In China, it refers to any study learning or practice that requires patients energy and time to complete. In its original meaning kung fu can refer to any discipline or skill achieved through hard work and practice, not necessarily martial arts. Now, I will say, I didn’t know that before earlier today when I copied it from Wikipedia. So all of these movies that we’re covering actually do delve into the martial art side of it. It’s not just anything that takes time and pry otherwise like Remember the Titans would be up here again, Coach Carter would be up here.

Nick 2:34
Carter’s kung fu is fucking savage dude.

Kalvin 2:37
Yeah, shit. He gets worm running those suicides? No doubt.

Nick 2:42
Is this kung fu? You know the meme where he’s like, pointing it? Oh, yeah.

Kalvin 2:47
The little butterfly thing?

Nick 2:48
Yes. Is this kung fu?

Kalvin 2:51
cynic in your mind what makes a kung fu movie a kung fu movie?

Nick 2:56
When they at least shout their fighting style one time. That’s a big one. Also hand hand combat it can be with weapons or but that’s got to be the like the main source of handling things. If you know what I mean.

Kalvin 3:12
So Batman movies or kung fu movies,

Nick 3:15
he definitely uses a lot of Kung Fu. But that’s more of a means to an end. This is more of like a discipline they just go. Batman uses a lot of other methods to solve problems. Not just Kung Fu. Most of these are pretty much just caught. You caught me in line kung fu you fucking step on my sneaker, kung fu you jump my rope kung fu

Kalvin 3:42
you’re shipping hookers to an island and then out from the island and killing them on the island. kung fu fuckin Kung Fu. Yeah, I kind of boiled it down to pretty much any movie where the bulk of the combat is hand to hand martial arts or foot to foot in some cases, weapons counts, you know, some weapons but but still like, handheld weapons, other swords, knives, daggers. Those types of things? No. Hey, lanes. Yeah, no guns, no grenades. Anything like that. nunchucks are dope. Yeah. Oh, I didn’t even think about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Those would all qualify. What am I doing here? Hmm. I have rewritten my whole list. They’re all just teenage ninja turtle movies.

Nick 4:24
See? Here’s what I did though. I left off Ninja Turtles, because they kind of wanted to stick. I’m just gonna go ahead and spoil that for you. And I left off another one that I can’t think of.

Kalvin 4:37
Kill Bill. Ah, see, I didn’t that was the only ones I watched.

Nick 4:41
I stayed away from some of the more major kung fu movies because I think the littler ones have better stuff.

Kalvin 4:47
Well, I’ll I’ll do the bulk of the talking on the bigger ones because those were the first ones I kind of went to. Like I said, I don’t have a lot of familiar, familiar, familiar familiarity with this job. Coming into it so I tried to go after some classics some Bruce Lee stuff some Jet Li stuff and and then the the kind of bigger name ones like he said kill bills matrix is Kung Fu Panda that type stuff. didn’t even think about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that would have given me a lot more to go from without having to watch more movies. Whoops. Yeah, but that’s, that’s fine. That’s fine. So we’ll get into giving these awards out today we’re giving out five will really 10 Awards Best and Worst, so we give out the best and worst fight sequence the best and worst protagonist, the best and worst choreography or stunt the best and worst steaks. Like why are they kung fu and what’s what’s the point? What goal are they trying to accomplish? And the best and worst finishing move can’t have a kung fu movie without somebody just blasting the shit at you at the end.

Nick 5:51
I mean, just hammer fisting you to death basically. How would have been or like Yeah, what fighting style do

Unknown Speaker 5:59
they yell out?

Kalvin 6:01
Could have been but you know, we didn’t do that.

Nick 6:05
I’m from dojo Abraham

Kalvin 6:08
you could have gone with I mean he could kind of fit that into choreography or stun or fight sequence to you know

Nick 6:14
they open the fight sequence by screaming how something think.

Kalvin 6:20
So let’s get right into it start with best fight sequence I’m gonna go first so that way Hold on. You’re the last award you get to put the nail in the coffin. Usually I’m the one that puts the nail in the coffin. But this is your realm these kung fu movies are yours that you need to get all of that glow at the end of this episode, so that’s why I’m going first here.

Nick 6:38
Oh, he does like me you guys.

Kalvin 6:42
My insight into kung fu is not going to be nearly as good as yours. So I want to end on the high note of you talking about something that you know about rather than me be saying something about something that I watched like six movies on

Nick 6:54
and then he yelled style of the dragon.

Kalvin 6:58
So for best fight sequence I went straight to Kill Bill Volume One. And that is her handling her visit the bride handling her business to get to Oh Ren ichi not the actual fight with Lucy loose character. But everything that happened from walking into their dojo or whatever it is to actually having that last face off. She dispatches these first few women guards pretty brutally. Then the backup comes in on their motorcycles and the the scene switches to black and white which is really fucking cool. Oh, yeah. And she just continues to mow through all these mostly useless henchmen. That great choreography there. It’s brutal. The black and white really makes it stand out and look beautiful. Like I was doing. I was watching this movie while I worked. And it once it switched to black and white. Like I was just fixated on the movie for a few minutes. I was I wasn’t on a meeting or anything. I was just, you know, typing some emails or some shit. And I was just like, I had to stop what I was doing it and watch that. And it was it was awesome.

Nick 7:59
You know why they did that?

Kalvin 8:01
To get me fixated on it. Actually, it

Nick 8:04
was more of a choice, because if they had that scene in it colorized then it would be 1717. That’s Yes. But I think another another kind of thing that Quentin Tarantino’s done that’s absolutely brilliant. That’s his natural talent kind of coming through. I think just kidding around this bullshit, and it’s beautiful.

Kalvin 8:26
I’m not one of these like Tarantino heads I I like the movies I’ve seen which are Pulp Fiction. Django Unchained. The ones time, Paul, once upon a time in Hollywood, and now both kill bills, I think are the only ones I’ve seen him his

Nick 8:40
Inglorious Basterds? Yeah, I’ve

Kalvin 8:41
seen that went to war dogs. No, I haven’t seen that. before my time. I like them. But they’re not like these movies that I want to go watch. And over and over again. I’m not like one of these Tarantino nerds who knows all this information about them? You know?

Nick 8:58
Fucking nerd, Nick. But

Kalvin 9:00
I mean, I’m a nerd about plenty other things just not Quentin Tarantino just not cool shit. Yeah, exactly. But like tintina also chooses great music in this scene. It’s so epic. And it helps just keep moving the scene forward as she goes kind of from room to room and type of henchmen to henchmen. And then after the black and white, it switches to that silhouette against like the blue light background, which is really cool again, and I just felt like he really put everything he had into that one scene. And I had I hadn’t watched a ton of the classic kung fu movies when I watched Kill Bill yet, but you could tell where he was trying to kind of pay homage to all these classic scenes. She’s got that yellow suit like Bruce Lee and Enter the Dragon. And just the choreography looked very old school kung fu movie. And, you know, I think he did a great job of incorporating those images without taking away from the action in any meaningful way. Like it’s really easy to go well. I want to make sure she’s wearing this outfit to look like Bruce Lee. And but I’m gonna make sure you focus on this outfit and take you completely out of the context of the scene. He never does that he keeps the scene moving forward while paying homage to all these old movies. And just that whole scene It reminded me a lot of the church scene in King’s Men as well really, I guess Kingsman is more like that scene than the other way around?

Nick 10:21
The crazy over the top violence.

Kalvin 10:23
Exactly. The eventual sword fight with Lucy lou is not very good. Except like the snow setting medicine is really cool, but it’s not great.

Nick 10:33
The cinematography is pretty sick, and the effects are also solid. But I think I mean, I I really I love the scene you’re talking about where she’s fighting the crazy ad aids and that in itself is totally a call back to the old school kung fu or the the one man army stereotype. And yeah, it’s also with the the yellow jumpsuit. It’s really easy to follow her throughout the scene because she’s in a setting that’s Brown. Everyone she’s fighting is pretty much dressed in a suit and tie. So you know, this is

Kalvin 11:09
another good look. Always a great flowing in these movies when they go like the bad guys are in suits. It’s always great.

Nick 11:17
They look clean as shit.

Kalvin 11:19
Rush Hour likes to do that, too.

Nick 11:20
They also look cleaner should Chris Tucker can rock a goddamn suit? Jackie Chan Oh, no.

Kalvin 11:30
So what do you got for the best fight sequence?

Nick 11:33
What I’ve been telling you to watch for literal years.

Kalvin 11:37
Yeah, I watched it. not impressed. I think we lost Nick. He’s gone. And so the final month will just be me by myself now.

Nick 11:50
I just had to lean back in my chair for a second and suddenly explode. Actually, he

Kalvin 11:55
was screaming that whole time I just silenced his microphone at the end of it.

Nick 12:01
Just Farid screaming into my shirt. The fight scene at the end of Flashpoint starring Donnie Yen from 2007. It’s down in fighting Collin show. And basically Donnie Yen is playing a hardcore detective who fucks a lot of people up. He’s he basically just beats people to death routinely in Hong Kong. And it’s set before Hong Kong is returned to or reincorporated by China. So a lot of tensions at the time. And basically, someone gets killed. Dani Yang goes after the ringleader, who is calling Chow and both of these guys are some of the best martial artists of all time and it culminates in like a nine minute just fight to the death loss like it’s so good dude. It’s unreal. Donnie and switches between seven eight different fighting styles throughout the scene. The choreography is insane timings insane, musics dope. These guys are going full bore and you can absolutely tell that they’re just nailing it. This guy’s gonna say this is one of the few movies where I really appreciated the view cuts. Like it shifted at several kind of key points like when a fist would connect or a foot would drop. And it worked. Normally it doesn’t work as it feels disjointed. But these guys absolutely nailed it, man. It’s so smooth.

Kalvin 13:30
I’ll give Donnie Yen some credit. He did a great job in this movie. I didn’t know. So like when I was going into it. I was like I know the name Donnie Yen somewhere. I know it somewhere. I can’t figure it out. He’s fucking shrewd in row one. Yes, all those people who are plebes on kung fu like me, but he’s gonna name in movies like Flashpoint and Hitman and all that. So it was really cool to see him like fully unleashed as opposed to like, what shrew is in row one, which is is a great character, but he doesn’t go full in except in that one scene.

Nick 14:07
When Donnie in I think he knows like 15 or 16 martial arts. He fought I think semi professionally in the UFC. But he had a couple couple matches there. This too could bang. No, yeah, he

Kalvin 14:19
produced and directed some of these movies, too. Yeah,

Nick 14:23
you can tell the ones he’s he did it’s it’s gratuitous sometimes. But I want to give some credit to Collin shall hear that his opposition. That dude is also very, very good. Yeah,

Kalvin 14:35
it takes a lot to get the shippy daddy for nine minutes. Dude, he

Nick 14:38
was he had done even on the ropes for like six minutes of that. He’s longer leaner. It’s It’s good. These guys aren’t like ridiculously jacked super power people there. You know, one’s kind of tall and skinny one shorten martial artists. Yeah, they’re martial artists. They’re there to fuck each other up with their fists, feet, and the environment and to do a good job of that.

Kalvin 15:03
Global warming is killing us all. Nick. Thanks for bringing that up.

Nick 15:07
Yeah. Where’s al gore when I need him? Yeah.

Kalvin 15:12
Using the environment to fuck each other up.

Nick 15:14
That’s not tell you, man. I have asthma now. Because if you dig when you go pro

Kalvin 15:20
for life, I aerosols and shit.

Nick 15:24
Before I, for me my like right when my wife and I originally got together I was in a kung fu movie kick and I discovered all these movies. Oh, yes, she did. Yes, she did. And it took her nine years to finally look at me and be like, I don’t care about

Kalvin 15:44
how I did that with the rest of development with me. I was talking like, early in the relationship we were talking about, like the shows that we like. And I was like, Oh, yeah, I love Arrested Development. It’s really funny and smart and how they pull all these jokes together. And she’s like, Oh, yeah, it’s really great. And she hates it.

Nick 16:01
She just, she liked you. Apparently. Yeah, by me took my wife a while to finally admit, she knew it would hurt me.

Kalvin 16:11
guys are having a fight or some other nonsense, which is just like, high hate kung fu movies. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Nick 16:19
I do real bad with like, super dope fight scenes in anime, too. Like I’ve shown her I was trying to show her a demon Slayer fight scene and she’s like, honey, honey. I don’t care. Like, I’m not like you. I don’t care.

Kalvin 16:32
Look, I’m in the same boat. I don’t like these long, extended fight scenes that are like eight to 10 minutes. It’s never too

Nick 16:41
late. It’s a one of a kind in a sense, like, I just the pacing of that. At least.

Kalvin 16:46
I just zoned out because nothing’s actually happening. I know the good guys gonna win the fight. Especially if it’s at the end of

Nick 16:52
the movie. They’re literally fighting like, nothing’s happening. They’re fucking each. Like, they’re fucking each other up. I

Kalvin 17:00
will put a pin in that and come back to it. Okay.

Nick 17:03
See, I don’t like watching real fights. Good advice like that. I’m down for let us know on Twitter. Is it a dope fight scene.

Kalvin 17:14
So let’s now talk about not don’t fight scenes.

Nick 17:17
Oh, yeah. With the

Kalvin 17:18
worst fight sequence I went with Bloodsport. And not this is no john Claude Van Damme fight. It was the bouncing around black guy who was just like jumping all over the place. First, the big Sumo dude. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 17:31
Oh, yeah.

Kalvin 17:33
So the black guy is full on character type fighting style that’s supposed to look African, probably bouncing around on all fours and you know, the big dude. He just kind of stands there and kind of flinches every time he gets hit. And then eventually he walks over to him and bear hugs him into submission. Like that is not a good fight sequence at any moment.

Nick 17:54
It was fucking awful.

Kalvin 17:55
It was awful. He got the very the very stereotypical pretty much racist black guy and then Sumo just like standing there and then hugging him for a second.

Nick 18:06
Let’s be real. That was a john Claude Van Damme decision. It was 1988 and there was a shitload of cocaine on said that was racist. That was it was so stereotyped

Kalvin 18:20
I did not like Bloodsport, either. It began when I was like not not very good storyline going on there. He’s just got to go fight.

Unknown Speaker 18:30
Cool.

Nick 18:31
It’s it’s more convoluted than that. It’s he’s like a fighter who fucking runs away from his commitment. So we can go to Hong Kong. It’s the tournament of a lifetime. It’s Bloodsport.

Kalvin 18:43
True story, who knows?

Nick 18:44
Yeah, I mean, who knew what happened to john Claude and his buddy Steven Seagal? I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Bloodsport, seven. The new blood

Kalvin 18:56
What was your worst fight sequence?

Nick 18:59
The man with the Iron Fists?

Kalvin 19:01
Oh, I got that somewhere

Nick 19:02
later. Don’t worry. Easy a verse. Catholic his name? Dave Battista body. A terrible terrible isn’t good. It was like it was it was like Dragonball Evolution. With less budget. It was fucking awful. The dialogue was atrocious. The only thing that I thought redeemed it in the slightest. Was DCA actually went with the physics of having super heavy iron hands on or iron fucking in the residence.

Kalvin 19:36
I don’t know. I keep saying dz I don’t know. I thought the rism Wu Tang clan Ain’t nothing to fuck with.

Nick 19:44
Me I feel like an asshole now.

Kalvin 19:46
That’s okay. I corrected you were good. Physics of it.

Nick 19:49
Okay, so like when he he kind of throws his hand out why he swings a little bit because of the way I was the only factor but otherwise terrible.

Kalvin 19:58
Not a good movie. I I knew it wasn’t a good movie, but I watched OSHA’s dude. Yeah, no, I specifically watched it because the last things on my list that I had to fill in I needed two worst awards to give out so like, Why can watch this bad movie and definitely get one? probably get 30 Well, yeah, I could have you could have put worse for literally every you could have put the man with the Iron Fist for every Socrative on this very easily. Yeah, it’s not that I remember getting all hyped for it. I’m like,

Nick 20:31
oh, dope, Eli Russell Carlin. Was this rapper like tight? Russell Crowe. Yeah, I forgot about that. Oh my god, dude.

Kalvin 20:42
fuckin Johnny Tran from Fast and Furious is in there.

Nick 20:45
Unreal, man. How? Who made this movie? That he paid for this out of pocket? There is? Uh, uh, yeah, I don’t know. He’s terrible.

Kalvin 20:54
He’s not good. Not a good director. Not a very good actor.

Nick 20:59
He’s fucking horrible man. nerds at school?

Kalvin 21:04
Not really. I didn’t really talk to them. We had like, a couple. They’re only 35 kids in my graduating class. So

Nick 21:11
fuck, man, I had like 350. But anyway, there was these, this group of kids who like when they got really upset, they would scream at the top of their lungs and like, stay in there, you know, trying to puff themselves out, like staring off to the side. Like they’re fucking hard. That’s what it reminded me of. It’s like, man, were you bullied in school? Yeah,

Kalvin 21:31
the closest thing we had was the kid would do. We have one kid that would do like the hand motions, right? Like they’re gathering up the harmony,

Nick 21:41
or whatever. Come to my house.

Kalvin 21:43
Yeah, cuz that’s all he would do. He just like he just kind of sit there when he was bored. And that was like his version of doodling. He just sit there and do like these kind of hand motion things. But like he wouldn’t like push it out or anything. You just sit there like he’s gathering it up. That was we didn’t have anybody doing the actual screen. Genius. Do we?

Nick 22:02
It was sick. These kids were awesome. I can love them. They’d be good.

Kalvin 22:10
Worst part about the man with the iron fist is the Rizal put like a lot of work and study into it. Like he studied Shaolin martial arts and like all of this stuff, he was very in tune with the culture he was trying to appropriate. I guess he’s just a bad writer. You know, he’s just a bad storyteller. And I guess there’s his version was like four hours long or something. We can cut down to an hour and 45 minutes.

Nick 22:35
That’s still too long. It’s too long. That movie could be 35 minutes and I’d be I will say like the the general feel of the time period is okay. Like there’s some obviously made up shit, but yeah, he did it. He did some some research. He just can’t write for anything and can’t act like a storyteller. No, he doesn’t look like a martial artist in the slot or a blacksmith even. He looks like a blacksmith who literally just wavenet

Kalvin 23:07
somehow he got to China from America.

Nick 23:11
I mean, use k go to Japan. But I’m just saying blacksmiths dude, like, the RZA doesn’t look like goddamn blacksmith I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen like three well,

Kalvin 23:24
so let’s move to the best protagonists You go first here you got

Nick 23:27
it, man. Literally any man movie just gonna pick Donnie Yen

Kalvin 23:31
for everything?

Nick 23:32
Yep, get ready all Donnie in through the whole list. I’m going with the first movie specifically. Did you watch the first month?

Kalvin 23:43
I know I didn’t get to it.

Nick 23:45
It’s pretty compelling as a protagonist, basically he’s a affluent Chinese martial arts instructor and this is during the the build up to World War Two. So the rape of Nanking and stuff like that. My people were one actually

Kalvin 24:04
I think it was World War One I think it’s because I read I read like the synopsis when choosing to watch that.

Nick 24:13
So it’s it’s kind of daring Yeah. Basically when China’s getting raped by by Japan. So there’s these like Japanese soldiers that kind of take over his section his his areas he has to leave that profession and I don’t know it’s really kind of silly. Like one of the Japanese commanders is a hard ass motherfucker who thinks his kung fu is better than anyone elses kung fu and eventually kills one of Donnie ns homeboys and he has to he has to let him know. Well, fuck y’all up. And also, this is Bruce Lee’s teacher in real life.

Kalvin 24:51
Yes, I did read that. So yeah, the character he’s playing is Bruce Lee’s teacher in real life, right?

Nick 24:58
Correct. Yeah, it man was a real dude. Obviously it’s very exaggerated but using the character he practiced Wing Chun, which is more of like, feminine but

Kalvin 25:13
have been. No, dude,

Nick 25:17
you should have done it Batman was

then you could call that a martial arts movie, but it’s fun. He doesn’t though. He does it. Well, he probably has sadistic fun. Anyway, that’s the best protagonists he’s he’s such a sweet dude. He very calm mild manner practices a feminine defensive form of martial arts and tries not to hurt people. But they just try to out fucking kung fu him helps a lot of people out you know protects the neighborhood is good cat. I like him.

Kalvin 25:57
Like a Chinese Captain America know?

Nick 26:03
A close.

Kalvin 26:06
Almost. There you go. So my best protagonist was blade from blade. Oh, nice. Some of the fuckers are always trying to escape uphill.

Nick 26:20
Dude, that opening scene in the original blade is so good. That kung fu is sick.

Kalvin 26:27
Yeah, he’s a half man. For anybody who doesn’t know who blade is. He’s a half vampire that can walk around in daylight and he kills other vampires using kung fu and swords.

Nick 26:37
He can’t daywalker

Kalvin 26:38
Yeah, you can’t tell me that. There’s a better here on a kung fu movie than that. I won’t allow it. Don’t add me on it.

Nick 26:45
xiangxi

Kalvin 26:45
Nope. It’s played.

Nick 26:48
For release movies. I’m going with blade and just to throw this out there to be played in the future by mahershala. Ali.

Kalvin 26:55
Yes, that’ll be really good, too. Let’s I want to talk about Wesley Snipes because he is such a perfect badass in this movie too. And I’m not sure how he pulled it off, but he definitely seems to get it when it comes to blade. He does a great job.

Nick 27:08
He’s literally blade in real life. That is like what? Wesley Snipes.

Kalvin 27:12
I don’t know that that’s true. Like I don’t ever think of Wesley Snipes as this great actor. He’s really good at being like this swindler, or this really braggadocious guy like he isn’t white men can’t jump Major League, new jack city, all those movies. And Blaine, like kind of fits into that. But it’s also a little bit deeper than all of those things. And he does a good job of capturing that depth somehow, at least in the first movie. The other movies kind of got away from his depth a little bit. But I haven’t ever seen that much depth out of Wesley Snipes in other performances. Really?

Nick 27:45
he embodies blade. No, this is his thing.

Kalvin 27:49
And he did great. So shout out blade.

Nick 27:52
Yeah, that opening that opening scene is so good. It really first movie is really underrated Ned jumpstarted the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe basically. Or superhero genre.

Kalvin 28:05
was an x men before it.

Nick 28:07
I think blade was before x men, but I think x men really got the gut love.

Kalvin 28:14
Let’s see imdb.com blade 98 and

Nick 28:20
I think x men was

Kalvin 28:21
2,000x men. When Spider Man though Yep, you’re right on x man. Spider Man I think was 99 help. 2002 Jesus, that was really late. So it was thought that was early. Blade. Shut up late.

Nick 28:35
My guy. Thank you for burning me out on superheroes you son of a bitch.

Kalvin 28:45
This all started 23 years ago and it’s your fault now that we don’t want to watch it anymore. Yeah. Yeah, right when they’re about to make some actual kung fu superhero movies.

Nick 28:57
I know. I’m so pumped for Shawn.

Kalvin 28:59
He looks really good. And the turtles look good too.

Nick 29:02
I’m very curious about the turtles. very apprehensive.

Kalvin 29:08
I got a big world building movie which I I like I hope it’ll be a big world building movie.

Nick 29:13
I want it to be like a big, just not over the top. But colorful. Just piece of, you know, cinema, like cinematography looks fantastic. All the practical effects look great. The colors look awesome. I’m ready for another really bright, vibrant Marvel movie. Like Thor Ragnarok was I didn’t realize I needed that as much as I did. That show was awesome.

Kalvin 29:39
So who do you have for the worst protagonist? recent pick. This

Nick 29:43
is the most recent one I got. It’s Donnie Yen in Rogue One. I’m just getting it’s cool young for Mortal Kombat.

Kalvin 29:52
That was Oh yes, you’re

Nick 29:53
cool young.

Kalvin 29:54
That’s a good pic.

Nick 29:55
He fucking sucks dude that the actor is terrible. Like

Kalvin 30:00
300 characters in the Mortal Kombat universe, let’s make a new one that just fucking sucks.

Nick 30:05
He would be cool if the actor was remotely decent. But he is horrendous. And I read an article. They’re like, Oh, why do you think you, you know, don’t get consistent work in Hollywood. You kind of hedged on a racial thing. And then I watched Mortal Kombat, because I’m like, Man, that sucks for that dude. But at least he’s getting a break now. He’s terrible. He is fucking awful.

Kalvin 30:32
Well, in the movie, The movie is not good. From a like a storytelling or dialogue standpoint, it’s fun. Which is, which is what you’re there for. For a mortal kombat movie? I think yes,

Nick 30:42
I really enjoyed it.

Kalvin 30:45
But like everybody else kind of goes all in on the heaviness of it. And he is stuck between this well, this show it’s not believable, but also I’m gonna play it serious at the same time. And he just doesn’t do either side of it justice.

Nick 31:02
He’s just off like his, his reactions and emotions. So things are just off like something tragic. Like it happened. I can’t remember which scene exactly, but it was like something tragic was going on. And he’s like, super like, Is everything okay? Like, Are you good? It was a reaction that didn’t make sense to me at all is like polar opposite of what it should have been. And that was that happened many times.

Kalvin 31:27
Well, plus he had like when he got his superpower. It was the Dave Bautista from man with the Iron Fist superpower which is the dumbest superpower in the world.

Nick 31:36
Yeah, you got a suit of armor. That’s flexible and some buttons. Yeah, and somebody position. This dude shoots fireballs. And another guy can bring now subzero

Kalvin 31:45
apparently.

Nick 31:47
Yeah, whack. Well, he needed his ancestor. Sculpey in the first iteration of his Get over here in the commercials was terrible.

Kalvin 31:57
They fix. They fix that a little bit, but they still didn’t get it. They’re just like, take the audio from the game. Who cares? We got it. You got to get that right.

Nick 32:05
I really, really liked it. Not gonna lie, man. I don’t know the actor’s name off the top of my head, but he’s one of my favorites. He’s been in a lot of kung fu movies, and he is super good at scorpion.

Kalvin 32:18
Yes, I liked the character of scorpion. I just the Get over here still wasn’t right.

Nick 32:24
It sounded really fucked up. It’s like he went to, you know, a speech therapist or something after he recorded that first one and kind of down. Yeah.

Kalvin 32:35
So for the worst protagonists, I picked the one and only Karate Kid Daniel Russo. Fuck this kid. He is a whiny bitch throughout the movie doesn’t want to move from New Jersey to California. Like Who the fuck is going? Nah, California sucks. I want to stay in New Jersey. Nobody. Sure he instigates the Cobra Kai kids after their since I told them to stop messing with him. So he just starts going after him at that point. He’s an asshole to Mr. Miyagi when he’s trying to impart some wisdom on them. And like I get it that the Cobra Kai are the bullies and they’re the bad guys because they win karate tournaments and they smoke weed, but they smoke.

Nick 33:16
Have you ever done karate on weed?

Kalvin 33:21
And like they start out fucking with him. Mostly unprompted. But everything after the initial two beatings, like they get them on the beach when he’s talking to Johnny Lawrence’s ex girlfriend. And then they run them down on their bikes. everything after that is on Daniel released lo Russo. He tackles a kid during soccer tryout, like he’s fucking Bart Scott. He brings me on to the Cobra Kai dojo to tell their sensei that they should stop fucking with him instead of like dealing with it himself. And then at school, he just starts pumping all the Cobra Kai kids because he knows they won’t fight back because they’re since I told him not to. And it’s just really shitty. It’s not to take care of man. No, he’s Smith. His only redeeming quality is his ability to flirt with Johnny Lawrence, his ex girlfriend. He’s actually like really good with her.

Nick 34:08
Yeah, they got good chemistry. He’s macking on her heart.

Kalvin 34:11
And I’m not I’m not on this whole like Johnny Lawrence is the real hero of the movie. Like that whole thing. He’s kind of equally shitty and definitely a bully, but I just want to give Danny his credit for sucking. Also, it’s possible that everyone in the movie just sucks and that’s what happens here.

Nick 34:27
Hey, man, Mr. Miyagi is fucking dope.

Kalvin 34:31
Okay, now he’s good. And the girlfriend’s okay. She doesn’t do very much. They just don’t give her much to do. Acceptable acceptable. Yeah. And so I just want to address this before we move on the in recent years Daniel Russo has gotten shit because he cheated in the finals against Johnny Lawrence with his crane kick. I don’t think that’s true. He, he didn’t cheat.

Nick 34:55
I was I watched it, huh? I wasn’t cheating.

Kalvin 34:58
Well, people say that So the argument is that the kid that he was matched up with in the semifinals got ejected for an illegal kick to the face or something like that. So then Danny goes into the next round and kicks Johnny Lawrence in the face. And that’s just not true. Like what he did, but so when they first get there, the only rules his girlfriend says the only rules are anything above the waist, you get a point, you can hit the head, you can hit the chest, you can hit the kidneys, etc. So kicking head completely legal. That’s not why the other kid got disqualified. So the next complaint is that the flying part of the crane kick was illegal, because that’s what the other kid in the semifinal got disqualified for to is that he was flying or whatever, but or like he left both his feet to do it. And that’s not true either. So all these people arguing that he did something only illegal to win the fight. You’re You’re just wrong. And you don’t remember the movie correctly, because I watched it. And then I rewound and watch it again to make sure I can make this point. The kid in the semifinals was disqualified for excessive and deliberate contact. Because more or less he tried to injure Daniel. He did everything he could to actually inflict pain and injury on Daniel. He wasn’t doing like a real karate move. So from what I can tell Daniel one fair and square, and we’ve just been been being fed this Billy’s aapko propaganda for the past 10 or so years.

Nick 36:26
phenos bullshit. Yeah, Hillary, her emails.

Kalvin 36:30
The whole premise of like, Cobra, Kyle got started because Johnny Lawrence was cheated out of the victory or whatever. But I’m here to say Daniel Russo won the all Valley karate championship. He’s a whiny bitch, but the win is still legit.

Nick 36:45
The win is the win.

Kalvin 36:46
Yeah. You can’t take it away from him. Never. Now, the first time I saw karate kid, I was I’ve never watched all the way through. I’m not super happy with it like it’s fine, but he’s just unbearable.

Nick 37:02
Have you seen the new karate kid?

Kalvin 37:04
With Jaden Smith now?

Nick 37:07
I’ve also seen bits of that is terrible.

Kalvin 37:10
Yeah, I heard that one was bad. At least this one has like the 30 years of No, no, it’s The Karate Kid. You gotta watch it. He’s the best there is. Yeah, okay. Alright, so let’s move to the Best Choreography slash stunt. I go first here I went with Romeo must die. With gently kung fu in his way out of the jail cell while he’s suspended by his foot. They’ve just got him in there hanging by foot. And then he breaks out. He starts throwing chains at the guards he starts like choking them out and gets a kick on one of them gets himself out of the chain and then just sneaks out of the prison. They add in some of those, like late PS two Xbox 360 Mortal Kombat X ray effects which are always really cool. Nice when you break bones and shit. Yeah.

Nick 38:03
Slow motion.

Kalvin 38:05
Yeah, so that was just a really cool use of jet Li’s abilities. I thought

Nick 38:10
jet we had a run there of just awesome shit. Yeah, and everything.

Kalvin 38:15
When he started doing the Americanized kung fu movies like he really in the early 2000s was like, No, I’m here. I’m gonna make some of these movies.

Nick 38:24
He was it? Yeah.

Kalvin 38:26
So on a side note here. I don’t know how I missed this in 2000. It’s DMX. Aaliyah Anthony Anderson. jetley like that 12 year old me should have been all over this movie. I wasn’t though, for whatever reason. So I just watched it. And Alea was surprisingly great in this movie. And it’s not really an easy movie to be great in. It’s it’s not like the script and the the plot of the movie is not great like the they’re trying better. Yeah, they’re they’re trying to kill off people because they’re trying to buy up all the waterfront property so the Oakland Raiders can move into town or something like whatever. Romeo must die. Yeah. And I never when Aliyah died I never fully understood kind of the allure of Aaliyah, because I was too young to get it at the time. When she died, I had only heard like a very limited amount of her music. And I don’t think I’d seen her in any movies. She was only in two movies before she died, but like I hadn’t seen anything of her. But like after watching this movie, I kind of start to get it a little bit more. I because it always seemed like losing Aliyah was this tragic loss and yes, it was because she was young and all of that and she had her whole career in front of her but like people put her up there on like Notorious BIG Tupac Michael Jackson level of how tragic it was that she was lost and I was just like, her musics fine, but it’s high. Yeah, like it’s okay. It’s I don’t think it’s on the level of any of those But then when I’m watching this movie, it made more and more sense like every time she’s on screen, she’s just extremely captivating. You get lost in whatever she’s saying, because she has this poise and grace. And it even happens when the dialogue is bad. And this is all her first acting role and she is really amazing at being captivating. That she is. And side side note, she was offered the role of Juliet in Romeo plus Juliet, the one with Leonardo DiCaprio. That movie is crazy, but absolutely bonkers. And I couldn’t imagine how much greater that movie would have been with Aaliyah instead of Claire Danes as Juliet. I could honestly I could see it. I could see it. It’d be great. Can we get like one of those holograms like they did of Carrie Fisher and just throw her in there anyways? That would be super What did you have for the Best Choreography or stunt

Nick 41:05
Best Choreography? I chose two movies actually in the same series, the raid and the raid two or the raid

Kalvin 41:14
think of those until way too late. I was like oh yeah, the raid everybody says those are really good.

Nick 41:18
Who taught me buddy I would have picked the last fight scene and Flashpoint obviously already picked it. But the raid and the raid two are both just on real man. It’s it’s amateurish. It doesn’t have the big budget that a lot of these other I mean a lot of these other movies don’t even really have big budgets, but they have even less so so it’s it’s pretty much all people like genuinely fighting it looks like it’s just it’s so good. There’s a two on one vide in the raid two. There’s a lot of weapons fighting it’s you know, a police officer trying to escape from a building. I have a raid going bad and so good. I can’t really give it justice but the way it’s written and performed it’s it’s how you kind of kind of see to believe like I would just look it up on YouTube and see what you think. But it’s it’s so clean. It’s so fast paced. It’s kind of got the allure of those one shot hallway fights like in Daredevil or old boy was still got a few cuts in there and stuff like that. They’re just experts do that. Now.

Kalvin 42:34
It’s not all with Paul Walker. Is it? That was attack the block, isn’t it? Yes. I think 2011 john boyega.

Unknown Speaker 42:49
No, no, Paul Walker.

Kalvin 42:54
This is why we need audience reactions. I know he was in one of these movies because it was in furious seven. He goes against I don’t remember the actor’s name but they have a match up there. And it’s like a rematch whatever that other movie was. Was it the raid two?

Nick 43:09
Yeah. I don’t remember him in the raid two.

Kalvin 43:13
I don’t see him.

Nick 43:15
It’s not necessary. I mean, it’s borderline kung fu movie, but it’s it’s fucking dope. In follow up for that ours a runner up Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Kalvin 43:27
Nice. Yeah, I never saw that one.

Nick 43:30
I’ve never seen the whole thing through but I’ve watched that sword fight scene 2000 times. By 2000. I mean

Kalvin 43:40
it’s not the raid two is not in the raid two

Nick 43:42
um, that I’ve just found the right tune it says Paul Walker and the credit.

Kalvin 43:46
Well, I’m looking at Paul Walker and I don’t see him in there. 2009 Fast and Furious 2000 takers the last nine hours. It was brick man’s person to be he’s not in there. I’m telling you. Look up the right tool, Google. I looked it up on IMDB. Just Google it. It just says Paul Walker. He’s not in he was dead by 2014

Nick 44:18
doesn’t mean it was filmed in 2014. That’s a two and a half hour movie I never realized is two and a half hours.

Kalvin 44:25
All the way down this rabbit hole now.

Nick 44:27
Now are we gonna get out of this rabbit hole.

Kalvin 44:30
Alright, so let’s go to the worst choreography instant. And that goes to the man with the Iron Fists. Nice. Obviously,

Nick 44:38
you gave it a worst of something. I did

Unknown Speaker 44:40
shit.

Kalvin 44:42
And I went with the opening scene here. Everyone is just like Moo it’s when they’re killing the gold lion. I think everyone moves around so slowly and Reza like shoots the scene in a way that it’s supposed to look like it’s slow motion, but it’s really not slow motion. It’s just that these guys clearly Can’t do anything impressive. So they’re just moving slowly to make sure they hit their marks and hit get the choreography, right? The stuff they’re doing is not cool in any way, even if it wasn’t like super slow down and they like step on each other’s feet and then they kind of grapple each other and walk in step. And then one guy just rips in other guy’s arms off at the elbow with the slowest weakest grapple poll I’ve ever seen.

Nick 45:25
Yeah, it’s not it’s not good. It’s not. There was no choreography director, like, HBO shows have better shit.

Kalvin 45:33
Yeah, it was that it’s bad. It’s bad.

Nick 45:38
You guys should watch it just to see how terrible I like to watch it when I was shit faced or something.

Kalvin 45:43
I mean, that was a little bit why I went into it. I was like, I’ve heard it so bad. I’ve got to check it out for myself. Then it was. Tony john is the guy that Paul Walker fights and furious seven. Oh, yeah.

Nick 45:55
Okay, that’s what Tony john is like big time,

Kalvin 45:57
worst choreography and stunt. The RZA, man of the iron fist, obviously. And what did you have?

Nick 46:05
I just want to leave one thing with the Riza. Dude, you suck. Movies are not good. If you’re listening, Reza,

Kalvin 46:13
yeah, go make another Wu Tang out and let everybody by.

Nick 46:17
And just yeah, just don’t let your shitty kung fu movie writing carry over to your dope rap lyrics. Also, I’m

Kalvin 46:25
sorry Paul Walker was not dead in 2014. Well, yes, he was. He was dead in 2013. But furious seven came out in 2015. So that speaks to your point of he could have obviously filmed scenes before that. It took a while. That the raid two. That’s big budget, bro. He’s not in the raid two. It’s not on his IMDB page. Tom says what is your worst choreography?

Nick 46:56
So I went with a movie where the majority of combat is hand hand. There’s just not much of it. So it’s not necessarily a kung fu movie, but I stumbled upon it in my research, and I had to nominate it for something. And that was Dave Franco and Mark Ruffalo fighting and now you see me so bad. Oh my god. It’s fucking

Kalvin 47:25
does not qualify as a kung fu movie. There’s no way.

Nick 47:28
So you remember Alex Ryder were how terrible that movie was like, yeah, how heavy it was. It is exactly this way. Franco is supposed to look like an action star and Mark Ruffalo is supposed to look like a badass. And he’s a bumbling tit. And it does not work in the slightest. The only cool thing about it is Dave Franco kind of throws some fireballs at him. But there’s a point where Mark Ruffalo is wrestling with a CGI sheet. And it’s not good. And then like the dialogue is absolutely terrible. And they can’t neither of them can fight. You can tell neither of him. Neither of them have taken a second of like choreography training have been in a fistfight in their entire life. And of course not. I mean, this is probably like the third take and they’re like, Fuck, it’s good enough. No one’s gonna watch this shit as movie anyways, so let’s go. It’s terrible. I just ran across it and I had I watched it three or four times because

Kalvin 48:22
it’s a good movie. I enjoyed the movie.

Nick 48:24
What the fuck is this? They could have left that out completely. Fine. That was it is terrible. You know what I’m talking about? Right? Yeah.

Kalvin 48:34
I like that movie. Solid good. fight scene. Now you see me or is bad. Part Two. Not good at all.

Nick 48:43
You see me or Yeah,

Kalvin 48:45
it’s okay to just have one movie. It’d be good and move on with your lives.

Nick 48:50
Yeah, pretty much but Hollywood can’t do that count.

Kalvin 48:53
Shout out Logan lucky.

Nick 48:56
Do you think they’re gonna make a Logan lucky to?

Kalvin 48:58
I hope not. I think there were talks on it though.

Nick 49:01
I really hope not. I think they shouldn’t make a second knives out. Now already in production.

Kalvin 49:07
Yeah, that’s a bad idea to know because it’s just following like Daniel Craig and like Keith Stanfield? Which I’m all for I like those guys. But like knives out doesn’t make any sense in that context, because that was about that family that they were investigating. So it’s not about the detective so why not just like spin it off as Detective Caruso or whatever the fuck His name is. It’s says movie now we’re not it’s not knives out anymore.

Nick 49:34
We’re not but that’s what all the knives that’s what they’re they’re following his he’s that. Yeah. revere detective. But let’s be honest. Chris Evans was the tour de force in that movie.

Kalvin 49:45
His sweater game definitely was huh. Oh, saw Keith Stanfield. More to do on the second one.

Nick 49:52
Adding to his like, calm bewilderment and stuff was great. He’s I love it these days. Yeah, he’s fantastic. He is awesome.

Kalvin 50:03
So now we’re on to the biggest stakes aka Why are they kung fu and Nick, what do you got?

Nick 50:08
I got kiss of the dragon. One of the many dragon kung fu movies. This is a Jet Li movie 2001 kind of flew under the radar for a lot of people but basically he’s a cop in a new countries from I want to say he’s from Hong Kong. And he goes to Paris to help solve like this prostitution and drug ring problem. Then he gets blamed for the drug ring. And also he has to protect like a family friends store who he’s kind of staying with and save a prostitute and her daughter who is being sold in a slice sex slavery, very funny and

Kalvin 50:48
they’re trying to move the Raiders to Oakland and they’re buying up all the waterfront properties

Nick 50:52
although there’s there is several waterfront property scenes won’t even takes place on a boat. Ronnie he

Kalvin 50:58
has a relationship with Alia and there’s like 15 things here come on

Nick 51:02
and and and the prostitute pees in the street. I remember that because she tries to go on his store and he’s like, Nah, big fucking stink. You out here. All right, well, I’m just gonna pee outside and Okay, well come use this restroom, and gives her like a bunch of fucking popcorn chips. It’s very weird, but I used to watch like 10 my little brother was seven we’re like oh my god coolest fucking movie in the world.

Kalvin 51:31
Your description of the plot of this movie and why the stakes are so high reminded me of like how you go to Taco Bell and you order and you say Taco Bell is the only place where you can say and like 12 times and still get your meal for $7

Nick 51:45
in 2006 right bean burritos $1.29 shit.

Kalvin 51:52
Yeah, a bean burrito and tacos and case tacos and cheese and a drink and like you just keep saying and and then you get to the end of the year specter you’re going to spend $25 and it’s like not nine bucks. Sweet. was last time we want to talk about not too long ago. I don’t order as much food now though, as I used to.

Nick 52:15
Yeah. Give me four beefy five layer burrito.

Kalvin 52:19
Now I say layer on

Nick 52:20
our menu. Again. They just have so much good shit to like chickens, Poli. frappe. flatbreads. Anyway, also, uh, this was my runner up for finishing move because he uses chopsticks to kill someone he like puts in between his knuckles and shoves him through his neck like Wolverine. So and final move to because the kiss of the dragon where it gets its whole title. He wears like wristbands throughout the movie with Neil’s acupuncture needles, and then, and he uses those in combat, which is really dope to like paralyze people. And that’s how it kills the big bad in the end is he hits him in like the brainstem and it gives them an aneurism.

Unknown Speaker 53:02
It’s fucking sick, bro.

Kalvin 53:05
It sounds like it. So I went with the matrix. That’s a big one. Yeah, a lot of steaks there. They’re gonna save the entire world from the machines and wake up humanity. Whoa, whoa, whoa, kung fu

Nick 53:25
was talking to my buddy. I was like, yeah, we’re doing kung fu movies. You get to talk about the matrix. Cat, bro. I know kung fu.

Kalvin 53:35
There’s not much more to say about the matrix. And the stakes of the matrix. Like everyone gets it at this point, Neo has to become the one and save the world. And I love the matrix. But I don’t know that the moral of the story comes across as a shoe. I think he’s confused over the years. Well, so Neo is at the end of the matrix. He’s officially the one and he’s on a mission to wake up as many people as possible to save them. But why is he doing that? So they can live in this hellscape that Xi’an has become and tried to fight these evil robots?

Unknown Speaker 54:07
Isn’t he

Nick 54:07
just gunky? Just soup? Oh, yeah, three meals a day.

Kalvin 54:11
Isn’t it good enough for people to be living in the best time ever will you know according to the machine overlords, the best time ever blissfully unaware that there’s something more that they’re missing out on. Like they’re being taken care of by the machines, the machines are keeping everyone alive. They’re keeping them happy in this world. How does waking them up have a better chance or waking them up has a better chance of killing them than just letting them be out in the world? Hashtag cipher did nothing wrong?

Nick 54:38
Well, I also think this this Neo character, he might be a communist icon Calvin it I for one is a red blooded American don’t like that. Because all the people you see they have jobs. They’re providing energy, clean energy AOC so you don’t get on my case here for the machines which you know Da like that’s well, that’s the best part about it. They have jobs, good working Americans. Why gotta fuck that up? Neo.

Kalvin 55:09
All their needs are met they have food, shelter, clean living space. I don’t know if it’s clean, but it looks

Nick 55:14
clean. It’s cleaner than the shithole they’re living. In fact, there were raggedy ass holy shirts and beanies everywhere. You know, there’s no heat. it’s wintertime, and they’re like, shits, you know, wish Morpheus would crank that heat up. You know? His energy is precious, you know? Our people had to do for this shit. We believe it. Let’s keep

Kalvin 55:35
everybody underground in the city where there’s literally no space to move and attacked by octopus robots.

Nick 55:43
Lead parties. Yeah.

Kalvin 55:47
Good. Yeah. Good orgies. What did you have for the low stakes?

Nick 55:52
We get sweet plugs.

Kalvin 55:53
It’s true.

Nick 55:56
I got 1970 Oh,

Kalvin 55:58
hold on. Hold on. Oh. Speaking of the flux. How often do you think people try to have sex in the plugs? Like stick her dick in those metal

Nick 56:07
objects?

Kalvin 56:08
Yeah, you know what’s happened?

Nick 56:10
0% of the time, dude. Oh, I don’t think anyone’s that small or has that anybody if

Kalvin 56:14
there is a hole on somebody’s body, people are trying to stick their dicks in it. You don’t think during that orgy? Nobody tried to stick their dick in one of those body holes.

Nick 56:25
Probably they’re like, I want to feel I want to fuck your brain. I want to feel you. Does that sound? Oh,

Kalvin 56:34
alright. get onto your low stakes.

Nick 56:37
1978 brain fucking matrix. No, a Drunken Master Jackie Chan. He’s literally just a dick. He’s

Kalvin 56:51
Whoa, Jackie Chan movie starring.

Nick 56:52
Oh, man, brother.

Kalvin 56:54
This is what a rush hour two and three. So

Nick 56:57
this is where he kind of got his start. And he’s literally just a hooligan. He just causes a lot of shit. So his dad’s like, Hey, you got to go to this martial arts master, and work really hard to redeem yourself. And then his dad, who’s a business owner has an assassination attempt done upon it. And he’s injured. He’s not killed. He’s injured. And Wong who is Jackie Chan has to fight him who tried to assassinate his dad that has like this, you know, righteous, special deadly move. It’s a kicking style in a secret technique called the devil’s hand. See, mentioning that technique. And Jackie Chan gets to utilize his drunken you know, kung fu that he learned from his master who he had to go to to be punished in the first place. Stupid. He’s a hooligan. And he got to get taught how to fight like a mother for he’s kind of a bully. And then he taught him this like unbeatable kung fu technique. And there you go. It’s a complete story of revenge and therefore it

Kalvin 58:04
nice, yeah. But like you said, Good, good revenge story, no stakes other than him getting what he wants. Pretty much his dad geyser.

Nick 58:12
His dad got beat up. And so he’s like, yeah, I’m gonna get to utilize this kung fu that I didn’t know I’d need because I didn’t know my dad would be beaten up. I just had to do this because of my dick.

Kalvin 58:23
Yeah, I gotcha. I was running low on options here. And I went with Mortal Kombat, the 2021 version. They’re fighting for supremacy in the tournament that no one even knows about outside of like, 15 people. And even if they win, it doesn’t mean anything. And if the bad guys win, they’re just champions. They had like very small plans to take over the world, but like, weren’t even concerned with that. They just wanted to be the winners. They just wanted to cheat so they could be crowned the winners there. They didn’t have very, you know, any good plans to do anything after they want. They just wanted to be claimed. Hey, we are Mortal Kombat ‘s winners.

Nick 59:03
Do you think so I looked into like this. Even if they had ambitions of taking over our world. I feel like they would just be a sloth and paradise. It’s like oh my God, my world’s not on fire and slowly falling apart. And everyone’s got ripped open jaws and four fucking arms and crazy shit.

Kalvin 59:24
There’s yeah Goro is gonna run himself a nice massage parlor and just like sink in. If they take over the we

Nick 59:29
already know. And get a hot

Kalvin 59:31
tub.

Nick 59:32
I don’t even care about taking over the world. I’m cool with this province.

Kalvin 59:36
Yeah,

Nick 59:37
it’s sick. I’ll be the Overlord here and we’ll call it a day. I like plans to just fall apart.

Kalvin 59:43
It’s great that they can beat Sonya blade and fucking right in but they’re not going to stand a chance against the world’s militaries. So they would just bomb you. He didn’t he Yeah, he didn’t have like a whole army around him. He What is it Shang song Is that who it is? Sure, yeah. He didn’t have any army or anything. He had his like seven people that he was gonna come and be like, yeah, hey, we won the Mortal Kombat tournament. So now we’re taking over your world and everybody just be like the fuck

Nick 1:00:10
yeah, no, no, dude, this is America. No, dodge this nice matrix call back there like that.

Kalvin 1:00:20
And I had an honorable mention to Romeo must die of the aforementioned clear out the waterfront space for the Oakland Raiders stadium.

Nick 1:00:28
I could totally see what’s his name al Davis, I totally see him hiring a, you know, ring of gangs to clear out space so his Rangers can have any stadium.

Kalvin 1:00:39
And I think there also needs to be mentioned that there should be about 100 more honorable mentions here. All of these classic kung fu movies have basically no plot or steaks from what I could tell they’re just like a thin list of reasons or complaints why the protagonist had to fight people. And Kip

Nick 1:00:56
percent of them are defend honor of someone myself or the or my home studio, my hometown Joe. Or just my

Kalvin 1:01:08
style world ending shit. They’re like the matrona

Nick 1:01:10
You insulted wink Chong, we need to fight to the death. It’s not like that anymore. Alright, so

Kalvin 1:01:17
on to the final category, the best finishing move. I go first here, I went back to the Kill Bill franchise with Kill Bill, Volume Two in the five point palm exploding heart. It’s Savage. Yeah. Well, and then first she comes in and she kind of uses it she like half use it. It uses it to snatch ELS eyes out of her face. Or like the one eye she has remaining in just this super brutal scene. Yeah, it’s gross. And she’s just so like, quick and smooth with it, you barely see that it’s coming. And then it happens. And it’s done. And I’m not a big Huma Thurmond fan. But I really liked her take on this, I thought she did a really great job of being the bride and putting everything that needed to go into that. And the other thing that I like about this move is that you get that delayed reaction from it. And like Bill knows he’s fucked. And he’s just got to sit there and die. But he has enough time to get out his last words, take a few steps away, you know, he really gets to fully explore himself in his last minutes. And in such a violent movie. It’s kind of cool that the way the big antagonists dies, is he just slumps into a pile on the ground? It’s kind of like in in the Harry Potter books how Voldemort dies like any other human it’s kind of a parallel there?

Nick 1:02:36
Well, he he got more than she ever did. Which was you know, he tried to kill her and labor in this church. While he’s getting married to her man. It’s so fucking terrible.

Kalvin 1:02:49
He wasn’t getting married to her lead the she ran away from him. I don’t remember those movies. Oh, yeah, she she ran away she found out she was pregnant. So she ran away and started a tried to start like a different life in Little Rock and was Marian some other random dude. And that like the assassins all chased her down and killed everyone.

Nick 1:03:08
Little Rock, man, look out. Yeah. This is mean.

Kalvin 1:03:13
So what was your best finishing move?

Nick 1:03:16
Uh, I went with the matrix. And that’s very in Neo farts before watching through the four agent Smith’s chest and making him explode in a large spectacle of lights and pieces of his face. But that was pretty cool, man. Is I remember first watching that and just being like, Did he just shut his pants? And what is he doing? It’s even still I it’s like what I remember reading what that was about. And it made sense, but I will always think like this dude. Just read a massive fart after getting getting fucking shot nine times. You know, he’s dead on the floor. They just wakes up, rips ass jumps through someone’s fucking chest and they explode.

Kalvin 1:03:59
I haven’t seen the matrix in a while. But now I know. Anytime I watch it in the future. I’m not going to be able to not think about that. So thank you.

Nick 1:04:06
You’ve never thought about that. No. He’s just like farting and bending. It looks like he’s firing like he’s shitting his pants and then

Kalvin 1:04:17
and this is this is your idea of a good finishing move. shit your pants and projectile into another dude’s chest.

Nick 1:04:24
Yeah. And then he explodes very efficient. There’s no blood on him. Very efficient. Calvin

Kalvin 1:04:29
just shit is a computer program. Why would he have blood? Why would he have shit? there? Yeah. But it’s he still does. Yeah, everything about the matrix is great. You could have you ever in the same way that you can pick the man with the Iron Fist for every Socrative you could have picked the matrix for probably every superlative in this as well. I mean, you genuinely could have. Yeah, but we’re not allowed to so we didn’t. So now we’re on to the final award, the final final award, which is the worst finishing move, and I went to The classic Kung Fu Panda, and the wushi finger hold wushi finger hold. This is a damn near impossible move to pull off, you somehow have to catch your fingers your opponent’s finger perfectly. And then I guess just hope that they don’t move while you’re only holding their finger. And then the move itself is just more or less an atom bomb of Cheeto dust that somehow destroys your opponent. And I’ve never seen this. I’ve never seen the sequels to Kung Fu Panda, but I assume this Tiger guy comes back. I don’t think the Cheeto dust killed him for what?

Nick 1:05:36
Apparently that’s the kryptonite for Tigers is just loads of Cheeto dust.

Kalvin 1:05:41
And now the whole city is also covered in Cheeto dust. So, like, What the hell are you supposed to do with that? I’d be pissed if I lived in that city.

Nick 1:05:48
I’d be thrilled. Like slap me some Cheeto dust on this and this and this.

Kalvin 1:05:53
We have a place around here. I haven’t tried it that puts Cheeto dust on like chicken wings. chicken fingers like cod fried chicken. Hot. They do Hot Cheeto and regular Cheeto dust on those chicken fingers.

Nick 1:06:08
Get you some Hot Cheeto chicken fingers?

Kalvin 1:06:10
I don’t think I could do it. Oh man. It’s it doesn’t look appetizing. Do you like ranch at all? Yeah,

Nick 1:06:15
it’s great to dip with like some some legit buttermilk rides like main mainstream Hidden Valley brand type buttermilk Ranch, none of the hyvee versions or Walmart versions. Gotcha. Gotta get the real stuff and it’s fine or sour cream. Surprisingly, most people wouldn’t think of that, but very good.

Kalvin 1:06:35
Alright, well, so back to the wushi finger hold here. The biggest problem is is po already had Thai long. That’s the Tigers name. I apparently wrote it down here. He had him down and out with a giant belly bump that like shot him into space and cratered and back into the earth, which was a much better finishing move. And had it been the actual furnishing move would have been my pick for best. But now on top of that, he has to cover the whole city and Cheeto dust, which is just whack. Like why are you Why are you going this extra step? You’ve got him down and out with your belly bump. The belly bumps a better mood.

Nick 1:07:09
Probably because he’s fat.

Kalvin 1:07:10
He’s a Dragon Warrior,

Nick 1:07:12
fatty. Get your Cheeto dust on out here.

Kalvin 1:07:16
Not a fan of the Cheeto. So what was your worst finishing move?

Nick 1:07:20
I chose Chong Lee’s from Bloodsport. His two major finishing moves is a knee to the chin, which we’ve all watched some UFC. That’s your name, you know? Occasionally we’ll knock someone out or kill them. And then the fucking chin slap or the slap to the back of the head. He like waves to the crowd and he’s like, Oh yeah, watch this shit. And it was just like, oh, fucking you know, he’s dead. It’s done. I don’t it’s wack. Worst finishing moves have no flair.

Kalvin 1:07:53
Yeah, Chung Conley can suck it.

Unknown Speaker 1:07:57
Suck it then you suck. Then you suck it.

Nick 1:08:06
Like I told you know already.

Unknown Speaker 1:08:10
Quit saying that. You suck. You suck. Alright, so

Kalvin 1:08:16
we have covered a lot. We gave out a lot of awards. We gave out the best and worst fight sequence the best and worst protagonists Best and Worst choreography or stunt the best and works steaks are Why are there come fooling? Why they are kung fu ing and the best and worst finishing move. So if you’ve got any of them, just rewind, listen to the whole thing. Again, we don’t mind. But now it’s time for what would you do? And the first question has to be Who is your ad of all these kung fu words that we’ve watched? Who’s your favorite? And why? Jackie Chan? Oh, yes. Not to do that Jackie Chan.

Nick 1:08:52
Apparently not. He’s kind of a hooligan. I personally, I think Donnie Yen is like a better martial artist in a straight fight. But the way Jackie Chan seems to always use the environment and his movies and just his crazy styles.

Kalvin 1:09:11
Yeah, he does some really cool thing even like I’ve only seen the rush hour movies with him in it and he does some really cool things of us. Like you said, using the environment around him to gain gain an edge. He doesn’t like he doesn’t necessarily hit people with things but he did. I think it’s rush hour to when they’re in a casino. He like slides through the little casino cashier window. Yeah, the bars. Yeah, that’s that’s an impossible thing to do. And it was he really did it. And

Nick 1:09:39
yeah, I watched those outtakes too. He’s

Kalvin 1:09:42
He’s crazy that he can pull some of that stuff off and try some of that stuff.

Nick 1:09:46
I can’t believe he’s not dead. Like legitimately I cannot believe this man is not that

Kalvin 1:09:50
he’s had a lot of big injuries. I’ve I think

Nick 1:09:53
yes. I just I think Jackie Chan is great. He’s hilarious for one and very Get a martial art. So that’s my favorite Kung Fu. Donnie is a close second.

Kalvin 1:10:04
I like Donnie Yen. I This was hard for me because like I’m not by nature a kung fu movie fan. And so and I didn’t get to watch as many of these as I would have liked to, to prepare for this. So I’ll just kind of like compare some arrows here of like Bruce Lee appears to be incredibly effortless in all of his Kung Fu, ng, and like all the stunts he does. And that makes those movies feel more real. And that’s probably do a lot to the limitations of the time. Because his movies, when they were created, you didn’t have any effects. You couldn’t do wire stunts or anything like that. So everything had to be real, you couldn’t fake most of the stuff that they’re doing. Like you can now so I think that’s why it looks a little cooler and a little bit more lived in. It’s like comparing, you know, Star Wars to rise of the Skywalker rise of Skywalker, right, that the practical effects often look more realistic or more like a more of lived in world

Nick 1:11:01
Absolutely. 100%. Like it’s his, it’s also had the benefit of being new and kind of unique at the time, like what he was doing was very different than anything else that have been produced. But you’re practical versus CGI. 100% agree with you on that?

Kalvin 1:11:19
Well, it’s not even CGI, it’s I think it’s more like elaborate stunts. So when you watch Jet Li or you watch the wire, Tim shit, yeah, you watch gently or Jackie Chan later in his career, in these more modern movies, they seem to be taking a lot more chances with the stunts, you know, they’re not afraid to use wires and props to get the point across of what they’re trying to do. And so they have, you know, they have these much more elaborate stunts, like I said, and those end up looking really cool. Because they’re doing things that aren’t physically possible. Right, right. And they’re not afraid to play around with that they’re not afraid to get hurt in that. And when you compare that to like Donnie Yen’s movies, he’s doing more of the straightforward martial arts then kind of this flying around stuff.

Nick 1:12:03
That absolutely makes more sense. It’s very centered on the martial arts itself, instead of the extravagance or, you know, neatness of it. Right?

Kalvin 1:12:13
So, in my mind, and I think a lot of people in the world’s mind kung fu movies have this history of being very similar. And you don’t get much depth from them. So to you, what makes them so enjoyable that you keep watching different ones.

Nick 1:12:31
Honestly, it’s just like a, you know, a corny action flick. Sometimes I just want to turn my brain off and watch a movie. A lot of times, they’re goofy. And they they all have like a very, very similar in, you know, makeup, but their identities are all different. They’re, they all have their unique little spectacle, their unique little claim to fame, their unique little spice. It requires watching them to discover what that is, but often it’s endearing innocence. Yeah, just, it’s outrageous. And that’s what I enjoy about it. And sometimes I just like turn my shirt off. and not have it be part of like a greater anthology that I give a shit about or stuff of that right. You

Kalvin 1:13:17
don’t have to worry about the depth. It’s a good kind of mindless. Not filler. Yeah, his weapon is something to look at, right. So as I’m watching through a lot of these, I realized I liked the ones where they mixed in different genres, your kill bills, your matrix is even like Romeo must die where that’s kung fu mixed with a romantic comedy in a way. Same thing with like the rush hours. I like those because of the comedy mixed with a little bit of kung fu in there. They those all feel like more complete movies. But then when I’m watching the more classic kung fu movies or even some of the modern ones that focus on the kung fu in the martial arts moreso than storytelling. I’m looking right at you Flashpoint with this. It’s hard to watch several of those in a row because they’re not there’s no plot right there. It’s all very thin plot, and there’s almost no stakes and that’s just not interesting to me. I watch movies for the most part for the Stover storytelling over cool stunts. And having one without the other doesn’t really work for me. And I’m well aware that you’re gonna point this out to me of the irony of saying all this while also being fully invested in the Fast and Furious franchise to the point where it’s one of my favorite franchises I get that I’d rather watch that dumb action than this dumb action because his personal kung fu dumb action all just kind of blends together in my head and like I said, I zone out during it.

Nick 1:14:41
So that’s how I was Russia or Russia. Fast and Furious.

Kalvin 1:14:45
No man that shifting gears, ramping up family Corona. bigass foreheads ludicrous and Tyrese are making jokes. Yeah, good stuff in there. Alright, so the last and final question probably the most important one. Could you kung fu your way out of a tight spot?

Nick 1:15:11
No, I can or

Kalvin 1:15:14
how tight of a spot could you realistically see yourself kind of pulling your way out

Nick 1:15:18
of requiring any form of technique? Zero situations because I have a wild animal. I can fish by fairly well. It’s been a few years. But I can I can handle my own. Definitely not in any graceful or structured way. It’s

Kalvin 1:15:36
it’s very wonky. You would not be the all Valley karate tournament champion.

Nick 1:15:41
No. I would have you know if it came down to it kicked his knees in to get away.

Kalvin 1:15:51
Yeah, I’m with you. There’s not a chance in hell that like if karate is my way out of something, it’s not happening.

Nick 1:15:57
Now. I’m just gonna boxers and call it a day. I can’t kick my legs very hard. Just

Kalvin 1:16:02
like give you the money that I have on me and be like, Yeah, fine. Yeah, but this is what you want. You got it.

Nick 1:16:08
I grew up with a buddy who was like obsessed with with Taekwondo. And in high school. He got fucking destroyed. He was like a sixth degree black belt. And he ended up breaking this kid’s wrist. Just for cuz he could like he’s an asshole about it. And then his older brother came a year older naughty, like not any bigger not any stronger. No martial arts training. And just dog walk the fuck out of him. His Taekwondo was useless. Yeah, fucking priceless.

Kalvin 1:16:44
Oh, right. You got anything else on kung fu movies?

Nick 1:16:47
No, I’ve talked my heart out about it. And I am so happy that I did.

Kalvin 1:16:51
All right. Thank you to everyone who listened to this if you listened? If not, I understand like, kung fu movies. Who wants it? Just Nick.

Nick 1:17:01
Apparently a fucking loser.

Kalvin 1:17:05
Now, a hard time but there there are definitely some redeeming qualities here. It was mostly enjoyable to watch most of these movies. I don’t think I was ever like fully bored during any of them. Even the man with the iron fist. There was like some stuff. I was like what’s going on there? Okay.

Nick 1:17:21
It’s I mean, the spectacle of it is kind of unreal.

Kalvin 1:17:25
Bloodsport was probably the one that I liked the least.

Nick 1:17:29
I tried. Like I said, Every watch that. That was like a way for my parents to go to bed and then we’re gonna watch Bloodsport on VHS.

Kalvin 1:17:39
Yeah, I could, I could see that the allure of that

Nick 1:17:42
part that was that was I thought it was the coolest shit on earth back then. And then I grew up it was like,

Kalvin 1:17:48
it’s kind of stupid. very stupid. Sorry to all you Bloodsport heads. Anyway, hit us on Twitter with your favorite kung fu movies or your favorite kung fu ORS. That’s at APA something and at alone underscore podcast. Next month, we’re actually next week will be the last episode. This is an episode recorded all the way back in 2018. That never got released because it wasn’t good. And finally, right before finale month, we’re releasing it to the world so everyone can hear just how not good it was. I’m sorry to the guests. But you guys know what it is. We’ve talked about it. The guest was born Meets World, we talked about some stuff from Boy Meets World. And all sides were just not very good. I was sick, very sleepy. Just trying to do my best to get through it. It didn’t turn out good. So have fun. Listen to that next week. It’s already all produced. it’ll, it’ll be up on time. So really excited to release that finally. And then after that the month of July will be finale month, we’ve got a lot of great shows, kind of covering some of our favorites from the past, which is going to be super cool to do. And like putting a bow on the show in, you know, going out on top kind of is what we want to do. We’re like the good place or Parks and Rec, we’re not going to stick around until nobody’s listening anymore. Because you know what? nobody’s been listening the whole time. Except you listener. So for more from Nick Checkout, URL, loan, podcast, and alone podcast calm. And for my next venture, check out the magic number is three when it comes to TV. You can find us at on twitter at magic three TV pod, and there’s going to be a lot more coming up on that feed very soon. So we’re really excited to move on with that. And keep this going for another month. And I’m sure next excited about you are all alone to keep going. I don’t know. He doesn’t ever talk about it. You don’t ever ask. Are you excited, Nick?

Nick 1:19:53
I’m thrilled.

Kalvin 1:19:54
Are you not entertained?

Nick 1:19:56
I have some super dope shit. planned out. We’re building Probably 12 to 13 episodes of a little bit of world building action and then it’s gonna come with a massive payoff. Nice to me dope.

Kalvin 1:20:12
Pay that so close off.

Nick 1:20:14
Honestly what I’ve been writing to the entire time because it’s been I’m getting to my favorite point in my entire story.

Kalvin 1:20:21
He dies I get it. Nope. Spoiler alert.

Nick 1:20:26
I’ll let you guys know right now. But someone that’s good,

Kalvin 1:20:29
I like it. He shouldn’t die. So check out all that cool stuff and all the music for podcasts about something is provided by those cats. You got to stay sassy. Stay classy.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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