The year is 2011. You stand around the water cooler talking about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Pt. 2 and naturally, the conversation stretches back to the Harry Potter catalogue. You argue with your colleague, what’s the best use of magic? What’s the best evil plan in the series? Best use of magic or Best (or worst) Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher? Now bring yourself back to the present because we’re here to hit you right in the nostalgia part of your brain as we hand out our patented made-up awards to the Harry Potter franchise! We even include The Fantastic Beasts franchise in our pool of choices as we award the best in a series full of highs as well as the worst, which, come on, there is some of that in here too. Would you reboot the franchise and how would you go about it?
Full Episode Transcript Available Below:
To podcast about something each week we dive deep into whatever it is we find interesting. I’m your host Calvin and joining me from weasleys wizard wheezes down on Diagon Alley. It’s your co host Nick Richardson.
It’s actually pronounced Diagon Alley to get to know
that’s how you end up in knockturn Alley don’t don’t do diagonally
did not turn out he’s fucking dope. You put some respect on that name.
So look when we went to Harry Potter World in Orlando, in Orlando, is way cooler than like the hogsmeade setup. Like they got the Morgan and Burks there. There’s a lot of cool shit there you can get Lucius Malfoy is snake walking stick with the wand in it. Which like Lucius Malfoy is an asshole but that’s a badass prop.
That’s a sweet pumpkin.
Yeah. I haven’t gotten it yet. But maybe next time
comes I got four. Once
I got a bunch of other stuff. Nice spent my money elsewhere. I got a sweet Horcrux ring. Got a got a wand. All that good stuff.
I got these sweet wizard drugs.
Now I think it was I can’t do like I don’t dress up. I’m sorry. Like the people that do that’s fine. Do it. I can’t do it. First of all, it’s fucking hot. And I’m not wearing these big ass robes around everywhere. Oh, second of all, like I just I just want to wear a T shirt and shorts. I don’t want to wear anything else ever.
Well, you’re in Florida. Yeah, dressing up. Give me fun, just not in Florida.
I don’t even like Halloween. I don’t dress up. It’s just not my thing.
That’s all right.
So today, we’re not talking about everything. I bought a Harry Potter World we are actually talking about what we’re giving out. Harry Potter movie superlatives? Finally, this is yes, it’s been three years, it’s finally time to do Harry Potter. Once a month, we set out to give some made up awards to movies that fall into some specific category. And this month, it’s Harry Potter and the overall wizarding world. So we’ve got 10 movies to choose from there. What we do is we give out the best and worst versions of five different awards as our own kind of personal dundies. Here. It’s a done thing. Yeah, we should come up with like a name for these trophies.
I mean, everybody gets one. It’s all participation based.
bitches. That’s true. Just make a movie that falls in one of these categories. And you get a you get a something. What word are trophy be? Something just a pile
of like, random bits of action figures.
Yeah, that was pretty much it. The fucking melted together.
like I said, we’ve been doing this for about three years since August of 2018. So there are about 33 other moves furlough episodes, you can go back and listen to if you like this one, you’re just gonna have to search through our feed. There’s one every month, see which ones you like, don’t like pick those. And what we do is we can’t give out more than one award to a single movie. And we can’t give multiple movies the same award I finally figured out how to say that I was actually typing it out for the first time today. And I think in the last 30 or so episodes, I’ve never said it completely or correctly. So I got
more than one award. But can we not pick the same movie for Worst? No. Just want to clarify we got
10 movies to choose from some of the
we usually get moody Yes, fucking movies.
We try not to pick the same movie for the socratis as we call the worst versions of these things. But we look the other way also on getting out Socrative but I used all 10 movies for separate awards. So I’m better than you apparently, we’ll just go with that. We’re better than you and we know it. So, like I said, given these out to Harry Potter and the wizarding world the wizarding world is the world from Harry Potter created by JK Rowling first appearing in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone and just kind of been growing in popularity and in scope ever since. Was that 1997 Yeah, yeah, I don’t know what it is like that’s on you at this point. And I don’t know why you’re listening to this.
I might even call you a bit of a bump. Yeah, no, I mean, everybody knows Harry Potter. I remember waiting in line at the fucking bookstore to get like the fifth or seventh books.
I never went that far like I enjoyed them. I there was a grid or so
that was very Yeah, that helps. I was like hey,
because the first one I was laid on because like a bunch of people were reading it and then I was like, Alright, I’ll give it a try. And I did and then I read like the next through five as they came out, but I was never like I never pre ordered. I never waited outside the store. I just waited till I could get it. Probably usually got it for my birthday because I think they came would come out in like July or August and my birthday is in October. So it was like I would just wait till that And then I didn’t read the sixth and seventh until the movies were about to come out. It’s too bad. I’m glad I did. Well, I’m glad I read them before the movies came out. Well, maybe not. Maybe I would have liked the movies better if I did.
Yeah, I don’t know the books. I always read them first and they were just really good.
Yeah, they’re, they’re very good. We enjoy the wizarding world here. And as for who Harry Potter is, he is the chosen one of the wizarding world. He’s the boy who lived been prophesied to bring it into the Dark Lord Voldemort. He starts out living with an abusive aunt and uncle until his 11th birthday when he receives his letter from Hogwarts and the opportunity to embark on his journey into the wizarding world by attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. If you need more than that, I think you’re in the wrong place. That’s not what we’re here for. We’re not here to teach you about Harry Potter. today. We’re here to give out some awards to the movies. So if you don’t know who Harry Potter is, go read the books, then watch the movies, then then come right back here. Yeah, just
come on back.
Yeah, that should only take you like, a day or two to read all seven books, watch all 10 movies. Be back.
I mean, if you’re fucking cool, it will only take you a day. At least at least minimum.
So we have had for previous Harry Potter episodes, we’ve done podcasts about the Philosopher’s Stone as a magical and real world artifact that was back in October of 2018. That’s Episode 29. With the VCR kids we did a podcast about horcruxes that was in December of 2018, Episode 39. Again with the VCR kids is all before Nick came on board. So then we did a podcast about Argus Filch, which was July of 2019. Yeah, it was a lot of fun looking in films. I’ve got some more films thoughts as we go through these movies today. That was Episode 70. And then we did not too long ago, a podcast about the pensive again as a magical artifact. As of September 2020, Episode 123. So if you want more Harry Potter, we’ve got it. It’s back there. Go listen to it. Boom, boom. All eight Harry Potter movies qualify and the two Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Movies qualify that way we got to earn even 10 and we could technically give out an award to each movie without repeating
and try. Well, I did Don’t worry. I had some I had some trouble because I I have thoughts about a lot of these.
Oh, well. That’s the whole point. Yeah, it’s supposed to be troubling. If it was easy, then we would just do fucking time travel movies again. Yeah, that’s for I don’t think you’re here for time travel movies either. comes before your time, before your time, idiot. So we will be giving out for the awards. Today we’re giving out best and worst Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Every book slash movie has a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher because the position is cursed. And they have to have a new one every year. So a lot of they vary in ability to teach and learn sanity as well. There we go. There’s that bitchiness Snape by far the bitchiest
I yeah, he’s so good. He’s better or worse.
Fucking traitor. Yeah, he was a really what? Are we giving out the best and worst use of magic by wizard or witch that’s just like, single spell or thing that they did with magic that one person did throughout? You know all these movies that was just like, oh, that’s fucking cool. That’s what we want to do. They’re the best and worst magical artifacts slash magical creature. So it could be either an artifact or creature there. Yeah, I
went ahead and I picked both but there’s some overlap in movies.
Yeah, so I was I was going through and like through the first three. I’m like, yeah, there’s some good stuff. But like, we don’t get to talk about the Crete. Like I didn’t include anything for the Fantastic Beasts of this world. So I was like, let me throw that in there. into kind of a double category. Here we can we can discuss creatures and artifacts there because they kind of fall hand in hand.
The best and worst evil plan either by Voldemort or grid evolved in the fantastic beast movies. Just anybody who’s out there trying to do Harry harm, or any good people harm, I guess, the jacks. And then we’ve got the best and worst win for Harry Potter. Now that doesn’t really include the fantastic beast movie because he’s not in those. Yeah, not yet. Show up by the fifth one. Yeah,
but Dumbledore is there and he knows how long so?
Yeah, true. So everything yongle door does is technically a win to get to Harry.
He knows the future bro. It’s fucking yankel door. And he’s so handsome.
He is. Jude Law. He could get it
Unknown Speaker 10:02
sir. Ready to give out some awards?
Do Fuck Yeah.
All right. Let’s start with the best defense against the dark arts teacher. I go first here, with a Prisoner of Azkaban and Remus. J. Lubin. That dude. Oh, yeah, that is pretty tough decision.
Ne Ne sir,
there’s like two good ones and five bad ones. So the worst was actually harder here. But Lupin he teaches students a lot even though he’s got these frequent breaks where he goes a visa where and is a werewolf from time to time, he teaches them how to defeat baguettes and dementors. Both of those things are going to come incredibly handy later in the series. He’s a werewolf, but he’s also a great teacher. And you know, you can be both things. You know, it’s
the duality of man, literally. He’s just such a soft spoken guy too. And he helps everyone with their confidence. he’s a he’s like a genuinely good teacher.
Yes, exactly. And that that’s something that a lot of these other ones even like somebody like barty crouch Jr. as mad eye moody. Like he’s a good teacher. He teaches them how to fight the Dark Arts. It teaches them how to use some of the dark arts as well. He’s not there as a mentor at all. Really? No, he’s
there as a piece of shit. Yeah, a whole different story there.
Yeah, so that I mean, lupini helps everybody to defend themselves, but he seemed to actually care for the kids and tried to keep them safe at all costs. And also, I just want to point out the scene where they’re in the whopping Willow serious is finally there. Snape comes in the chemistry between Gary Oldman David duelists, I believe is how you pronounce it. And Alan Rickman is just absolutely phenomenal. It’s they feel like with Poulos and Gary Oldman, they feel like they’re these old high school buddies, and that they have this adversarial relationship with Alan Rickman that that’s actually been there in the actor’s lives for their whole lives. It that that seemed like because I watched most of these movies. I’ve seen them before many times. So I watched them while I was working and doing other things. But like when that happened, I just kind of stopped everything. I was like, I gotta I gotta watch these three just be absolutely captivating for five minutes.
Well, to be fair, Gary Oldman has a chemistry with like, nearly everyone. I’ve never seen a movie that he doesn’t have like wicked good chemistry with everybody.
Oh, what movie that I watched the other day with him in it. My wife and I watched something. You know, it was um, it’s a Netflix movie. It’s called the lady and the woman in the window. It’s got Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, some other people it’s not good. He didn’t have very good chemistry with anyone in that, but he was barely in it. And yeah, it was a very strange movie.
I mean, he had chemistry with Batman. So that’s true. that’s saying something. But yeah, I agree. That is one of the in a good movie overall. That is probably the best series of events that like 15 minutes as it goes through and that’s like you know, the cross your T’s and dot your I have that 1510 minutes.
I understood you. Who did you have for what did you have loop into?
I did have Lupin as well. Mostly because I think he for everything he said he’s a fantastic character, played by fantastic actor, I almost said author and an author. You know, reading the books prior to the movies, it was something that it was so neat to see him basically, like lifted from the goddamn page and put into a movie. That’s that’s really a rare thing. And he just, you know, he’s a hinge point, he said, all all points in this fucking movie that in this book that really matter. Like he said, he taught him how to defeat boggers and summon patrol buses. But I think the best thing he did was for, you know, his little talk on the bridge with Harry, when they’re, I don’t know, he’s basically talking about his mom and dad in a good way. Whereas pretty much everyone else has just been shit talking his parents as like, not the greatest of people. And well, yeah,
the only other recollections he has of them are from Petunia and not Dudley, Vernon. And, you know, Dumbledore gets a little bit in there, but Snape gets a lot more so here’s a lot more shit about them than good stuff. And so it was like he said to have Lupin there to kind of teach Harry about how good his parents actually were. to contrast what Snape has been kind of feeding him for the last three years is is really helpful, I think to Harry’s growth and probably a big reason why Dumbledore brought him in anyways.
Yeah, I think it kind of set him down a path to be more of an individual because he’s always been told he looks. He’s got his eyes like his mom and he looks just like his dad. And most people are telling him How much of a piece of shit they are, they’re just like, not the greatest of people, more so his dad than his mom. And I think that that helped, you know, kind of shake the mold. You know, I’ve seen that with someone I know where they’re, they look just like their dad and they got shit on because their dad did a bad thing or was known for a bad thing. And, you know, hearing a couple of good things about him really helps shake him out of them all. And that was cool to see.
Yeah, they framed Lupin very well, in the Prisoner of Azkaban movie, the only thing I didn’t like is when they’re doing the boggart it they, when he steps in front of Harry because he thought Herod was gonna see Voldemort. It did too good of a job of like showing that it’s the moon. And I guess they didn’t really give too many hints that he’s a werewolf and all that so they had to be a little more heavy handed but in the book it’s it’s more it. Ron thinks it’s a crystal ball that he’s afraid of. And that was right when they start divination also, so their crystal balls are kind of heavy in their head. But like in the movie, it’s very much a moon with clouds around it and you’re like, Okay, there’s something going on with this guy right away. Whereas in the book, you You really don’t get that it gets laid out much more slowly, I think which is better in a book but maybe you can’t do that in the movie.
It was a lot more ambiguous like it just wasn’t so defined. If that makes sense. Yeah, it
in the movie is like boom, this Yeah, here’s we’re gonna tell you. Yeah, super bright. The very next scene Snape is going to be in here talking about we’re gonna skip all your lessons go right right to werewolves. 390. So, last night, I have on Prisoner of Azkaban and I gotta say here because I don’t know where else I’m going to talk about it. Because the Prisoner of Azkaban discussion in at least in the movie, I don’t remember the book well enough, because I haven’t read it in a few years. filt is asked to search all the paintings in Hogwarts to find the fat lady when serious black scared her off. So again, don’t remember if, if that actually happened in the books or if that’s just something that movie but this kind of further lends credence to the theory that we discussed back in August filter episode that filters kept around Hogwarts because he at the very least understands how magical paintings work and can repair them. Like why just ask filters to go search? Why isn’t Why are all the teachers going out there to search? You know, why is it just filled? Because I know he’s the castle bitch, but other people can help. Look
now there’s like serious blacks here. photofiltre kineme. Get out there. We don’t care if you put and get sliced your pitch. But I think Yeah, he has that. He knows where everybody’s at. And that was just not a great one. Oh, she’s right there. Like, oh, fucking how nifty. She’s conspicuously quiet this whole time.
Yeah. And they completely excluded like the night painting guy that takes over form is just a complete doofus. Which I always thought that was really fun in the book, but you know, whatever. That’s fine. I’m not too worried that he didn’t make the cut. Really?
I gotta say Prisoner of Azkaban was one of the best iterations of the Harry Potter universe on on film, I think like it did really well. Moving the story along with like a bunch of just magical shit. The stairs moving all the time. And I don’t know. It’s just cool.
I might disagree. But we’re gonna have a conversation later. We don’t ever disagree with me. Let’s move to the worst Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Again, I go first year Chamber of Secrets guild early Gilda re Lockhart. Gilderoy Alok Gilda Roy. Kenneth Branagh is fantastic. So good. I hate. It’s such a fun. He’s like the smallest bit of danger. He freaks out and runs away. And I just think you need more out of someone that you entrust to teach kids literally how to defend themselves Against the Dark Arts. And when he’s not running away from danger. He’s actively putting the entire school in danger with every single decision he makes. So he’s so dumb. Fuck Gilderoy Lockhart. Do I know you? I feel him. He is so good. Yeah, kind of Brian was great. But it’s not about the actor. It’s about the character. And yeah, it sucks. He’s not a good teacher. He is not a good person. He is not a good wizard except with memory charms.
So fucking he literally no, he’s a fraud. He’s like, I mean, he’s a grifter. He’s got tiny fucking hands. And I think he might have a comb over.
Yeah, I mean, the parallels are endless. I
think his hair is shit. But anyway, yeah, I just I I hate that stuck up. fucking bullshit. how he’s like, making Harry sign his fan mail and stuff. Like Isn’t this great? Like, no, it fucking sucks. Asshole.
Did you have somebody else for Worst Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?
I did. I think originally had Gilderoy Lockhart. Because of every literally everything you said, but I decided to go with Dolores Umbridge
Yeah, that I mean, that’s the obvious pick here, right?
She must not tell lies. Now she sucks. I wonder how I wish someone would like bewitched her. You know that she couldn’t lie or she had a fucking pin and was just like, are you seaward? It’s just like scratches in her hand like, Oh son of a bird,
or like her mining poles the so that’s the one in the book. When they all do Dumbledore’s Army she whoever squeals on them she’d like makes pimples breakout in their head that say squealer or towel or something right. Hermione should have done some shit like that to Umbridge I guess getting raped by centers is kind of the same but you know whatever. port that yes, she says does
dark man as fucking dark. I can’t believe she put that in that.
She’s carried off by centers and centers are I guess mythologically known for the raping the shape Yeah, raping the shit out of people. So yeah, if you put two and two together you get four there.
I’m pretty sure she like heavily implied that she got
shagged but she’s definitely shaken up when we see her again and definitely hollows. It takes a lot to shake up that old bag. And she she’s bad. But I don’t think she’s a terrible teacher. She’s a bad person. But she does. I mean, she takes them through the book. She doesn’t do any practical testing, which is you know, that’s one thing I think Defense Against the Dark Arts you actually need. But it’s all book learning. She actually prepares them for the test. She’s not the worst teacher. You know, she’s the worst person ever. But as far as the teacher goes, she’s she’s getting through the material. That’s why I couldn’t pick her over Lockhart who like is not getting them through the material and making them learn less and putting them in danger.
I know you’ve killed several people, but God dammit that I aced this test.
And that’s like so you prof
they got good grades on there. Oh, wl that’s all that matters.
I always thought that was a great acronym. Yeah, that’s good. All right. So let’s
move to the best use of magic by Witcher wizard You go first year.
This one I had a little tougher time going with and then it hit me like a freight train because it was the only moment i thought you know that’s actually solid was in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them when a newt releases his Thunderbird and dispenses disperses a potion as rainfall over the city. Hear me out though. corny as fuck. But it makes sense. It makes any sense. Dude, that is so I mean, that’s
how do you control it? Like, how do you control what people are forgetting?
Hey, now that how long does the rain rest is? You’re asking too many questions. What if people are inside? Exactly what I just looked at, and I was like, you know, that’s at least a really solid way of getting mass. Like, I forget what the spell is called. oblivion movie. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 23:17
Basically, they’re just a race a bunch of people’s minds and totally fucking nuclear brains. It’s, I think it’s a solid way.
So me but the obliviate spell is much more precise. You have to like you’re searching for specific memories, or you’re doing at a specific time where they forget a specific thing. And this is like, we’re just gonna rain on you for a week and whatever you remember, you remember, whatever you forget.
not our problem. You can forget all of it. But you can’t go to every person and just obliviated them in fucking London. There’s shitload of people there.
It was in New York, but yeah, no, I agree with you there. Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know that there’s a better way to do it.
I think it’s the most cost effective.
Well, definitely. I’m saying you guys just forget the last week. Nothing happened. Don’t worry about that.
You just gonna walk into a movie theater like, Hey, everyone, up here. Look at me.
Yeah, where’s the men in black neuralyzer at least there they got to give them new memories. This is just like you guys just gonna forget for an undetermined amount of time. Man, that’d be super weird.
Well, every person I’m gonna
go on my Kowalski rant right now because I don’t have a good place for it. Then how does that work? Because it comes back in the next movie. And now he remembers things because apparently, new told him that he only forgets the bad things and he didn’t have any bad memories. But that’s bullshit because I didn’t tell him that I went back and double check triple checked that new ever says anything like that, that you only forget the bad things doesn’t happen. And then all of a sudden he’s just like, Oh, no, I’m here. And I didn’t forget anything because I didn’t think anything was bad. And so why can’t that be applied to literally everyone else in New York City. You don’t think anybody else didn’t think what was going on was bad. They just thought it was cool as shit. So now those people didn’t forget anything. All of a sudden they broke their rules in like the first 20 minutes of the next movie that they set in the last five minutes of the previous movie.
That movie was literally written for controversy. I think there’s so much stupid bullshit.
But that’s that’s the stupidest of the stupidest in my mind. And because they had so many other avenues to go with Kowalski, they could have a they know he’s gonna be in more movies. So just don’t abbreviate him at all right?
So one guy inside. Yeah, New York, dude, everybody’s miserable. He
was inside during the battle and everything and they made him walk outside at the end. And it’s just like, Don’t make him do it. Queenie is a skill the gentleman’s she could have like, fed him back his memories or some bullshit, they could have made it up. Like there’s a million things you can make up with magic that that don’t break the rules that you just said that he’s walking out in the rain literally to forget and instead you’re just like, nafdac that we didn’t say that.
Get that fatty out there.
I got big problems with specifically that ceiling. I like a lot of things in crime. turinabol not that. Yeah, I know a lot of people don’t like that movie, but I’ll talk more about why I like it when we actually get to that movie. But this fit here because you said that was a good use of magic and I strongly disagree. Strongly tried a screw bro. But I also don’t have a better answer of how you wipe the minds of a whole fucking so
there you go. So that’s what I’m saying. That’s like the most a lot of
magic. So magic. I’ll say that. Yeah,
there you go best. If that’s so
if the world exists where this Thunderbird can make it rain and make everybody forget that. Yeah, why not use it?
Do I mean you got to make people forget somehow and it’s 1920 everybody’s going outside the rain. If half the people are like fuck, I haven’t showered in six days think. Yeah, and they’re just they forget everything after the fact screen smells
like Arizona. What’s going on here?
Fuck yeah, this is dope. Smells dry and not damp and fucking moist.
So I went a different route here. You just stick with me?
I went Half Blood Prince. The protections in the cave around the Horcrux the super evil All right, super evil. I’m gonna I’m gonna put that out on Front Street, but it’s also super effective and super powerful. You got to give a blood sacrifice to get in. Then you got to find the invisible boat get across the lake of ferry. And then you’ve got to drink that thirst memory potion where it makes you thirsty and you’re seeing your worst memories at the same time just to get to the locket that’s not actually there. Like Voldemort. Did his fucking work on this thing. And not to mention the islands the cave is out in the middle of fucking nowhere.
That is one of the cooler scenes in the entire series.
Yeah. And and you also have in that same scene, Dumbledore using his fire to like defeat all the inferior which is really badass looking.
Yeah, I mean, they talk about how badass he is and outside of his like duel with Voldemort. In order to Phoenix. Yeah, you really don’t see a whole shitload of badass Dumbledore moments?
No. And so the the duel with Dumbledore or with Voldemort was an odd like not like a close runner up here. I had to use order Phoenix for something else. But that that was pretty close to the top of my list, because that was just both of them flexing all their abilities. So it was that whole duel that would have made it and that was that was really cool to watch.
Yeah, I remember watching that in theaters, it was just like, Oh, this is dough.
And then I do have an honorable mention here and it’s actually for best non use of magic and it’s when her mind he punches Malfoy in the face during prisoner mask ban because he’s an asshole.
That is pretty, pretty great. She is sick, right hook.
Shout out her mighty.
She could punch me in the face any day later in the series a little younger.
Alright, so what’s your worst use of magic by Witcher wizard?
Okay, I can tell you. This one makes me mad every time I even think about it. And that’s all the time and effort. Arthur Weasley put into bewitching a fucking car. What’s
that high on my list for the worst magical artifacts the the flying? Ford angler.
I wouldn’t even call it I call it a flying piece of shit. It is a beater. And it’s so conspicuously Oh my god, man.
It’s got an invisibility drive.
That barely fucking works. It’s wack so it’s it’s a dumb use of magic when you can literally fly on a broom Morty. Yeah, that’s why wak Chamber of Secrets. The wax secrets wax chamber. Anyway, we’re
wax secrets I
think let’s Chamber of Wackness and secrets of secret wack.
wack ruins their placards,
JK Rowling I think you need to hear what we’re saying. Idiot. But anyway, do what the fuck man like come on. Now. You can dis operate, operate. You can do I’m sure there’s like 50 other Other things you could do to get from point A to point B. But instead you have a whack ass car. That sucks. Well, I
don’t think it was ever actually to get from point A to point from point A to point B. He was just a tinkerer. He just liked Mughal technology so much so we just started mucking around with it. And try to make it fly. And look at works to get them to Harry’s house to break him out. It just doesn’t work to get them all the way to Hogwarts. But I agree it’s it’s stupid and shitty. Yeah, it’s
then it gets destroyed. Was it like a centon car basically?
Well, yeah, cuz it gets destroyed by the whomping Willow and then it later attacks them when they walk into the Forbidden Forest.
Yeah, it drives off into the woods. Like the fuck is this?
lover? That’s what’s going on. man that’s a deep cut clubbers a bad movie, everyone don’t watch flubber
I love that movie when I was a kid.
Don’t don’t watch it. Don’t you just keep keep your memories. Tried to watch with my kids a few years ago. It is very bad.
burned my eyes.
My worst use of magic by Witcher wizard is from Goblet of Fire. And this is very nitpicky, but it is the explanation and the I guess use of priority in contato. And so I guess this is super nitpicky and it’s it’s one of those who they got the books wrong kind of things, but it’s stupid how they did it. So I have to pick on here it’s just too stupid for me not to call out because they got they go so far beyond what the actual spell is. And they get it completely wrong to the point where they should have just not said anything so priority and contain them is a spell that is supposed to review what spells were released recently cast by a given one. In the books they use it to at the Quidditch World Cup to see who cast the dark Mark when I think it was Winky the hell self cast the dark mark for barty crouch Jr. And so they got a hold of her and did the prior and contain them and saw that it came from that one. None of that’s important in the movie and it’s it’s left out which is fine. So then when Harry and Voldemort swans meet in the graveyard, this in the books dispel somehow malfunctions, and it causes Harry to see everyone that Voldemort had killed because that’s all his wanted ever, ever done was kill people. Well, that was like the last few things, as one had done was kill people. So he sees Cedric and he sees his parents and he sees the guy from the Vietnam Goblet of Fire. And all of these people who have died due to Voldemort. He sees that because Harry somehow triggered prayer and can’t take them when they’re, they’re locked in this battle. And, but that but that’s not what happens in the movie, they their spells, just click and or like there was just click, and he’s still sees everyone and to help them get back. So then he goes back and Dumbledore makes it seem like the spell is just when when Harry is talking to download are about it. And he’s explaining Dumbledore kind of gives the explanation. And he could just kind of mumbles on his buffalo prairie and can take them where it sounds like that spell is just one of the ones connect it and that’s all it is, is the prior and contain them was the act of the ones connecting not the reflection of all the spells that have been cast. And so like, in my mind, at that point, you might as well not even include it like don’t even have Dumbledore say that under his breath. just blame it on the twin cores of the ones or whatever. Because I think that comes up in the book too, is that the twin cores is really what causes the there wants to clash. So why? Why are you throwing that term out there? That doesn’t fit what you actually showed us in the movie. So sorry, I had to nitpick on that, but it was fucking stupid.
I mean, you that was that was a fair point fair nitpick? I have a lot about that movie. Specifically when they’re coming down from the sky, and they’re like kicking the air like their fucking dog paddling in the air. That’s so dumb.
Like in that scene where their wants Connect, and they’re both kind of like floating.
No, at the very beginning of the movie where Arthur Cedric and his dad are like, Oh, yeah, floating down from the sky. And it’s just how they’re just fucking, like, dog paddling in the earth. What is going on you guys? If you had a fire, it’s kind of rough. Well, I mean, yeah,
yeah, I was upset and Goblet of Fire that they didn’t include all the cool stuff that the two Quidditch World Cup teams did like as their intros is in the books, that’s one of my favorite scenes is when those two teams are coming out. And they just kind of skimmed over all the Quidditch World Cup stuff, which I get like they don’t. That’s a hard, really hard scene to make, but I kind of want to see it, too.
I think everybody did.
Yeah. And then I’ve got another honorable mention here, but this doesn’t really, really count. Because it’s not magic within the movie, but the quote unquote movie magic of ageing the cast up and definitely how it was part two is absolutely dreadful and I think we need to point that out whenever possible.
It’s fucking horrendous dude.
So worst magic is the filmmakers have definitely helped us to.
That shit was whack 41. Yeah. Listen, Albus Severus part of
let’s give everybody a little bit of a beer gut and just a little facial hair and Melek older.
I know I’m 24 but back in my day Yeah, they look ridiculous Jenny looked terrible. They did her dirty as fuck. They’re like, Oh, man, we’re going to a trip 50 years.
I mean, really, throughout the whole run of the movies. They did her terribly. At every chance they got every thing they tried to do with Jenny was just like, completely missed the mark. Except chamber secrets. I think they hit a pretty good they’re
three lines in that movie.
I mean, she got possessed by Voldemort for half the movie.
Nice, like this kid’s a shitty actor, let’s fucking just make.
So the best magical artifact slash creature. I chose Sorcerer’s Stone. And I chose all of the Sorcerer’s Stone, because we get introduced to so many new artifacts because it’s Harry’s and our introduction to the world, that there’s just a ton of cool stuff. And after that, we just kind of get one or two new things every movie. So I just want to pick the whole movie, if I can do that here and I’ll just list some of the cool things we get introduced to. We got the de loominator super cool Diagon Alley as a place is awesome. Hogwarts as a magical artifact is one of the coolest magical artifacts out there. You got moving staircases, the great hall where the roof adapts to whatever the weather is outside or whatever you want it to be. The Forbidden Forest is a cool place. Lots of cool creatures. You got the magical paintings, the sorting hands, so ghosts, Quidditch, lots of cool stuff with Quidditch and the bludgers and all that. All the challenges that they built to get to the Philosopher’s Stone is really cool. The Philosopher’s Stone itself is really cool. You got the mirror of era said and the invisibility cloak all get introduced in the Sorcerer’s Stone and I think you just got to give it up for the whole movie at that point.
The world building is intense.
Yeah, like they they introduce a lot of stuff.
Literally in that
bucket. We don’t need any more stuff in the next eight movies.
You know what a Howler is let’s do it.
Yeah, we got a Howler. We get the remember all the Nimbus 2000. Yeah, remember, I was kind of wack.
Remember? I was fucking dumb.
Here’s the thing that’ll help you remember something? But you don’t actually remember what you forgot.
Where do you fucking put that? I never see anyone pick like take anything out of their pockets. They have fucking pockets.
Yeah, they got pockets in a row.
What are they? I mean, why would he not just keep that in his goddamn pocket?
He did. And then Malfoy stole it from him.
Because he took it out. I’m fucking stupid.
No, it fell out. Give me because they’re doing the they’re doing the That’s right. Lesson and yeah, flipped upside down and it dropped. I mean, Neville is not a great wizard. So
he take that back.
Oh, he eventually becomes one but that’s lympstone. His best use of magic
ever in Harry Potter is fixing that dude’s teeth
that will blow up What do you got for Bessie? some magic besides the Neverland bottom blow up
the best magical artifact?
Oh yeah, sorry sorry creature.
I chose like I said I chose a creature and an artifact it but but here’s the kicker. I said fuck the rules. And I went with what I love. Oh, you always been my favorite. I’ve lost every one of these. So I chose the night bus from Prisoner of Azkaban
Yeah, I have that on my list.
fucking love the night bus man. That is so cool. A bus it shows up. If for any strain it wizard all over the main like mostly in London. Yeah, it’s just I don’t know if it would be able to go anywhere else but the capability to slow down time change there. I mean, basically change their mass. If you think about it. Now you wouldn’t be able to change your mass cannot do that. But they can pick and Shin it at will. Yes. It also is a triple decker bus with a chandelier. That’s fucking pimpin beds, you got fucking food and drink service. Really great accommodations. But the fact that I mean I would just be that one wizard that’s like, shed faced leaving the bar and just like, Oh, no, yeah, I’m stranded. They just show up and it’s cheap. Very cheap. And you know, I agree, I just think it’s a really, really, really neat thing like really convenient. And I think it’s kind of universal. For most older wizards or witches and wizards, kind of like how you know the Leaky Cauldron is like everybody has what the leak culture is
the neighbors so when I was going through these, for these two categories other than watching the movies, I pretty much just laid out every movie, and picked the best and worst thing of like use of magic and magical artifacts. I just picked out the best and worst from each movie and then whittled it down afterwards. I knew there’s gonna be cool stuff in every movie. So I was like, I’ll just, instead of trying to make the decision in real time, I’ll just choose every one from every movie and then figure it out at the end. And the night bus was definitely one of the top ones from prisoner basket, man.
I mean, I was thinking about it, and I was going to pick something else, but the night post has always been like, my stick. It really makes everything if that makes any sense. And I got a runner up for best magical artifact. That’s the Marauders Map. Yep, hell convenient. No one could raid Hogwarts. Kinda. And then
I swear you’re up to no good they can’t.
I mean, that’s. I made well my wife made a little fuckin onesy for my daughter when she was super little. She had the whole Harry Potter fit the cutest thing ever. And best magical creature. I’m going to get some shit for this. I think it’s a blast. Send
it screw. How did you know that? No, it show up in the movies. The bass lisk the basketballs was pretty cool.
The bass losc is fucking super dope. It’s overly intelligent. It can turn shut the stone so you got a lethal and non lethal method of dealing with your your enemies. Imagine like throwing that at, you know, a phalanx or something? But I don’t know. I
don’t know that the baskets was trying to petrify everyone. He was trying to kill and eat those people. And he just fucked up and looked at him through mirrors and puddles and shit like that. cameras. I don’t think he was ever like he didn’t know what he was doing.
Maybe he did. He would have to if you I mean he just said he was trying to eat people. I mean, if that’s it,
yeah, but he knows a lift in their eyes. He kills them. So why are you not just looking straight in their eyes and eating?
I don’t know. I’m not about to ask the bachelors but I just always thought they were fucking rad. There’s a lot of cool stuff in Harry Potter. But the bachelors was dope. I hate snakes. But I think outside of just plot armor. That thing is damn near unbeatable.
Well, and the venom of basketballs can destroy horcruxes which is important.
That’s very also convenient. Yes, and their teeth they have terrible dental hygiene so their teeth just fall right the
fuck out just rip them right out. Yeah, easy peasy buddy. scraggly redhead can walk right up and just rip it out of your mouth. Give me that. So let’s move to the worst magical artifact or creature this one. This was hard. This was pretty much the last thing on my list to choose. And I had to give something here and at the same time I had to give an award to the movie that I’m gonna pick which is kind of the downside of having exactly 10 movies as you have to give something for everything. So at the end of the day, I think I’m okay with it because most of this movie was more or less just treading water anyways, so it definitely Hallows Part one and the the Horcrux locket which is you know evil incarnate makes everyone around assholes tries to drown Harry tries to make Ron feel bad just not not a good dude that locket
not a good dude that inanimate object that yeah piece of shit. But what’s funny I picked the same thing Yeah, that’s that’s really all I can fuckin pick from that movie.
Definitely hellos doesn’t do like the first step. The house doesn’t do a whole lot of anything it like let’s run around in the fucking woods for an hour.
But I don’t really get it’s like, just don’t wear it. You know,
put his foot in her mouth in his bag, right?
Put it in a bag in a bag in a bag and you’ll be fine. Still safe?
I didn’t get it either. I guess I guess the thought is you could lose a bag where you’re not gonna lose a person even though they did lose Ron, but you know, whatever.
They lose people all the time in this series.
That’s true. There’s just fucking got taken down to the fucking Chamber of Secrets. No one even knew for an hour.
I mean, Harry went to a graveyard and then just showed up with a body
with a dead body. Yeah. That’s okay. They’re in the maze. They’ll be fine. No, I want to hold them barred. I moody designed the whole thing they’ll be fine.
I’m really glad they didn’t bring the life all the creatures in the maze because the Sphinx type thing. I don’t think I would have been able to handle that. Yeah, I don’t know it’s
I know that had to like move through it because you got to get to the graveyard. You got to get as much graveyard in as you can. But like the maze was pretty cool in the books too, and they missed a lot of chances there. But it’s also not cinematic like it’s not very cinematic. I don’t think like the Sphinx sitting there trying to figure out the riddle of the Sphinx is not cinematic in any way. No, it’s
So what do you got for the best evil plan?
Best evil plan? I got Draco being a thug finally being like, I don’t know, shifty. He came into his own for this, I think sneaking in a bunch of Death Eaters into Hogwarts covertly in Half Blood Prince. If he did not give the monologue I think things would have gone a lot different. You wouldn’t have had, I don’t think Snape would have really had to break his cover in front of Harry. If Draco would have just fucking killed Dumbledore and been done with it.
Well, Draco couldn’t do it. And Dumbledore didn’t want like Dumbledore in the books he doesn’t monologue right? Because we we see all that stuff happen in real time and that’s one of my biggest problems with Half Blood Prince is we don’t see Draco actually bring anybody in through the the vanishing cabinet. We don’t see him using the hand of Laurie we don’t see like Ginny Hermione nevel, Ron and Luna drinking the rest of the Felix policies and fighting against all the the Death Eaters that are in there stalling until Harry and Dumbledore can get back. We don’t see any of that. So now we get to the the astronomy tower and the only way to find out what’s going on is for Draco to monologue. But in the books it’s Dumbledore basically telling Draco, he can’t do it and telling him that it’s okay and telling him that he’s lost, but it hasn’t gone all the way and if he does kill Dumbledore then he’s gone all the way over to the other side. And you know, Dumbledore sets up Snape to to do it. Like Dumbledore wants snake to do it. So Draco doesn’t cross the line. And I agree that like that’s where dracos plan falls short as he doesn’t finish the job, but at the same time, he can’t finish the job and still come out as somewhat redeemable.
He doesn’t have to. That’s the beauty of it. Like this dude has been a slimy little turd ball. The entire series. He’s not good. He is.
Unknown Speaker 47:28
I mean, he
looks down on people. He treats others like shit. He actively hurts people, attacks people, bullies, people, students, a garbage human being. But I still think it’s a great evil plan. Oh, it is.
I mean, he’s fantastically snazzy parent cabinet and are the vanishing cabinet and brings everybody in is fantastic.
That is legitimately I personally, I think I have a relatively strategic Mind if I have, you know, an end goal. And I have time to kind of think about what I would do. If I didn’t know about the vanishing cabinet. And kudos to him for discovering it and remembering it. I don’t think I would have been able to think of that I would have probably fixated on some kind of frontward assault, secret passageways,
something like that, something
like that, that would have been defeated or would have taken a tremendous amount of work. That would have just tired You know, I
mean, he hadn’t plans on the way there to he had the the necklace that he gave to Katie bell that was supposed to get to Dumbledore never did. And he had the wine that he gave the Slughorn that was supposed to get to Dumbledore that never did and ended up poisoning Ron so like he had some bad plans too, don’t
worry. But in the in the end, if you think about it, those plans achieved really great things in the greater scheme of things if you’re looking at from his perspective, because he created so much fear when that one girl got possessed. And then again when raw got poisoned. Yeah, you broke those Love Spell.
The whole The only other thing I wanted to point out is Draco had to be redeemed because kind of the whole point of the story is that nobody’s gonna eat now beyond redemption. And even at simple the more Hmm. The reason Draco had to be redeemed is because the whole point of the story is that no one is beyond redemption. And Voldemort. Even in his last moments, Harry gives him the chance to reconcile and redeem himself at least in the books in the movies. He doesn’t he just fucking blows them to a million pieces. Because that’s, that’s the only way to repair your soul. That’s the whole part point of like the Horcrux hunt and everything is you can repair your soul if you show remorse and like actual remorse, and you can become whole again. And so Harry gives him that chance it gives them that last chance to repair a soul and Voldemort doesn’t take it in the end he dies like any other person. So that’s why it was important for Dumbledore to try to Keep Draco from crossing the line. Because if Draco crosses that line and kills somebody, it’s much harder to show remorse and to rebuild your soul at that point. And so that that’s why it was important for Dumbledore to keep Draco talking until snake could get there. And you know, Draco doesn’t understand that but the whole overarching premise of the story is that no one’s beyond redemption. So that’s why it needs to happen.
I don’t think she thought that far into it. Honestly.
She did. It’s all there.
Well, I mean, I get that but with Harry in the end, trying to still redeem Voldemort by giving him that sense of you know, an avenue to remorse when you just said yourself like if he kills people that’s crossing that line. That’s that’s losing a piece of you. Voldemort lost too many pieces. You know, there ain’t nothing left of to redeem. I guess. This is just me being nitpicky. But yeah, I felt I’ve noticed. This is what we do on these. Yeah, Harry Potter. I deserve to be nitpicky.
You can’t be and and so it’s, it’s not that they’re beyond redemption. It’s that redemption becomes much more challenging. It’s more challenging to repair your soul than to just be like, No, I’m cool. I’m not gonna kill people.
Yeah, you know, once you lose a piece of you, I think you just don’t get it back. Like he could fill that that hole with other things.
Dick’s to the soul. new band name Dixville soul. new band called soul dick. Alright, so my best evil
I’m going out left field here and I’m going to crimes fantastic beast crimes of Grindelwald. The plan here is to just basically mirror Hitler’s rise. Right? He blames muggles for the ongoing wars, shows them visions of world war two coming on the horizon right after World War, World War one’s pretty much over. He tells skilled wizards the things they want to hear to kind of gain their trust and get them on his side. He does that most notably with Queenie and like telling her that in his world, she can be with Kowalski which 100% isn’t true, but it doesn’t matter. He’s telling her what do you need to hear to get her legitimate skills, I guess captivating speeches with stunning visuals really important there. He makes sure to pick up powerful wizards with very specific strengths to aid him like Queeny, like credence and some of his other followers is they are very good at one specific thing. So none of them can overpower him, but they have these things that he doesn’t necessarily have to help him out. And again, it’s it’s horrific, and it’s an evil plan. But it’s also effective. As far as evil plans go. He walks out of crimes are involved pretty much at the top of his game, and I think we’re only gonna see him go downhill after that.
I wonder they’re gonna get to playground.
A man’s Mickelson Oh,
yeah, that’s gonna be way better than Johnny Depp. I see. I watched that. Coronavirus. I mean, I fucking hated that movie is so boring. Then he escaped was wasn’t his escape in the first like, 10 minutes.
Yeah, he got. It’s the best scene in the movie. And it happens. It’s the very first scene.
Yeah, I mean, that’s a pretty solid plan. It’s
rough. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that getting out of there is a very good plan. But I don’t think that’s his full evil plan. I had that on best use of magic of him. Getting out of all that because he switches places with some guy uses a creature to attack one of the guards. And he just he’s just firing out 1000 in that, which is it’s a really cool scene.
But he’s got that all worked out. I can’t believe it.
And so I think this is a good time before we go on to your answer to get out my thoughts on the geaney before we go too far, because I think they’re important. And this is this is where we’re talking about crimes criminal law, so I got to put them out here. A lot of people had issues with the reveal about gagne being a malpractice and basically later becoming this woman who later becomes Voldemort’s slave, more or less. And I don’t, I don’t think that’s what happens with her. You know, we haven’t seen that story play out, but I’m pretty sure that I don’t think she becomes a slave. I think she is, I think Voldemort seems to truly care about the gagne the snake slash person, and it’s my theory that the guinea is kind of the closest thing he has to an actual confidant. At some point between crimes are involved and Goblet of Fire, she fully transforms into a snake and can’t turn back into a person and she is Voldemort. In the Albanian wilderness, that’s something that said somewhere that that’s where he finds her. So he spent a lot of time in the Albanian wilderness. First when he first like leaves borgin and Burkes, when he’s still Tom Riddle, he hasn’t quite risen to power. But he’s just out there trying to learn some dark magic and he goes out there. And then he eventually comes back to interview for the Defense Against the Dark Arts job. But all that time in between, he’s in Albania just wandering around. And then after he dies and turns into like the ghost spirit thing, he goes back out to the Albanian wilderness, and that’s where he meets up with coral. And like, convinces him to join in this bond or overtakes him or however he gets coral to go along with that plan for Sorcerer’s Stone says, Hey, man, I’ll suck your blood up in here. It’s shade. So sometime in that time, he’s spending all this time in Albania. So I think at some point, he runs into the snake that he can talk to, and whether he’s I think he’s probably ghosts, Voldemort at that time, and she’s snake person. And I think this girl snake is out there. She’s no longer a human trying to make it on her own as a snake and, but she’s not really a snake. So she doesn’t know how to do that. Maybe she can’t communicate with the snakes. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to survive as only a snake. And then she just happens upon this one person or ghost thing that can still talk to snakes, Voldemort’s The only person that can do that at the time that can talk to snakes. So now they they both have somebody that they can converse with. And in Voldemort’s eyes, that somebody he can tell secrets to he can kind of bounce things off of without, like, she’s trustworthy, because she literally can’t tell anybody else. Yeah, as for her, it’s the one person she can talk to, because it’s literally the one person she can talk to, and like can’t reflect on what it was like for her to be a human. So I think they actually build somewhat of a relationship and a bond of being these outsiders and the only ones who understand each other and so by the time you know Voldemort back in his full power after Goblet of Fire, and he keeps her by her side constantly, she’s not there as a slave she’s there as a friend. You know, she’s there as someone he trusts more than anyone else. She sends him off to attack Harry in godrich hollow by herself trusting that she’ll get the job done. You know, and I so I think it’s more of a friendship rather than this thing that he found that he can easily control and manipulate he had the Death Eaters for that he already had. He was set on people to control manipulate I think maggini is more of an actual friend, actual confidant there.
I think Nick gagne is like his spirit animal. If that makes any sense like his I mean, he has snake like qualities. I think honestly, he would be a snake if he could he’s a furry he’s a scaly
Yeah, he gets a phrase a slimy he’s like Hey Bo.
You want sexy ass snake and the snake like the
fuck is this guy? Yeah, what can you feed me though? He’s on the same page. He definitely fucked me Heaney
like positive lately shared some you know steamy dinners over a nice chicken. game that
good snake don’t
bite me and she’s like alright fam.
Well wormtail is over there milking her venom. Oh What do you got for the worst evil play?
his fucking metal hand like worse even playing? So I think let me just say it worked out so I don’t know how worst it could be. But it always struck me as really silly. And that’s attacking the Quidditch World Cup. As a bad play the Goblet of Fire there are so many How did okay let me just say this if that happened in America, that ship wouldn’t fly.
Well also all of the plans in dollar all the evil plans Goblet of Fire are bad
how many Death Eaters are even there 5060 and you’re telling me they Well yeah, I can see it with all these people fucking arm they all have their wants.
Yeah, I think it’s more of an element of surprise. Then you start setting off explosions and people just start running like crazy. I mean, that’s
that’s just what drives me. absolutely insane. I think that’s a terrible, terrible plan. Like it just it’s great. All Yeah, I don’t know. I think it’s too much ground. There’s too many variables. You want to make a statement and just kind of pop in and kill a bunch of people. But that is a good way to lose most of numbers. Yeah, like if if this is a big gathering of Death Eaters, then I’ll be able to kind of work right
because barty crouch Jr. is at that point.
It did work out and I mean, like I said it ended up working out in the end I think it was sheer dumb luck. And but also at the same time if your goal is to kill like high profile people you fucking missed Harry Potter there on the ground.
I don’t think that was their goal. I think their goal was just to sow
to just create terror it was security. There isn’t any
Unknown Speaker 1:00:22
fuck bro like
that is the only reason that should it would have worked if you see all these fucking Death Eaters operate within you know the Quidditch World Cup at night I
think they’re all there I think they all just had their kkk robes in their tents and just started putting them on
where the registry? Yeah let’s follow the follow the paper trail here. See? I agree. I’m a no match piece of shit
the plan to get Harry to the graveyard is also very bad is alright let’s
like what if he doesn’t win? Let’s just leave it at that What if he doesn’t get
that that’s the easiest part. But let’s let’s start at let’s install barty crouch jr using polyjuice potion as Matt I one of the most skilled ores ever. So let’s start there. Then we’re going to gain Harry Potter’s trust, we’re going to enter him in the triwizard tournament for whatever reason, we’re going to almost kill him with Dragons. We’re going to almost kill him underwater, which those weren’t part of their plans. But that’s those are just things that almost happened on the way and we’re gonna throw them in the maze again, where he almost dies and very well might not win any any way you shake it like he was starting in last place, I think for the maze. So he’s got the least chance of making it. So what happens if chrome gets there first. And I know Barney’s in there like making sure nobody else makes it any imperialist chrome and all that. But what what happens if Harry doesn’t get there? For what if Harry just like gives up? He’s like, fuck it.
I don’t want to win this damn. many variables.
Yeah, way too many variables way too many moving parts. And then when like, Alright, you got already there already. He’s already gained Harry’s trust. Just turn something in your office into a port key and be like, Hey, hey, grab me that cup over there. Let’s have some wine, bro. Boom. Hey, he’s by himself.
They are Yeah, I mean, that is why I said it’s like, Barney. Hey, my apologies potion. They’re grabbing my flask.
Yeah, he grabbed him like 100 times throughout the movie. Why not just grab them in app rate and boom, you’re there.
I mean, literally slip land anything into his pocket when you grab him? And he’s like reaching in there like Oh fuck, what is this? $100 bills there. And then it’s just a Porky he would definitely grab $100 bill, you already know.
steal it from him first. Ron would like smell that shit through the road.
Hey, bro, you got a for you, Cali
Unknown Speaker 1:02:59
Not my worst. That’s a bad plan. But it’s not my worst evil plan my worst evil plan from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find that. I see this movie probably three times now. And I saw
could you do that to yourself? I
don’t fully understand his plan. I understood. Now he’s trying to track down the obscurus using credence because he’s had this vision of credence. And then he wants to harness the power of the obscurus which not possible or kidnap the source of it. But for some reason, first, he has to not only impersonate but fully disguise himself as a MacUser agent, so he can play both sides of it. And that’s where it loses me like why is he going through all that he knows it’s Creedence. Why don’t you just staking out credence and waiting for attacks to happen? And then me like boom, okay, I’m here. Instead, he’s like doing this whole thing with MacUser and he’s wasting a ton of time because now he’s hearing about the attacks when they report instead of just watching credence at all times, which is what he ends up doing crimes are involved he just starts watching greetings and luring him in but like I don’t get I don’t get why he needs to do the whole graves bit it I think it’s only there. So the movie can eventually pull the rug out from the audience. It has nothing to do with Grindle being a great wizard or anything else. Because if it can last two and a half hours well Yeah, that’s true if he’s in person came in personally and MacUser agent to gain intel on the attacks. I don’t know where he needs that anywhere. He has the vision of Koreans he knows the attacks are somehow linked to him. What is he learning from MacUser at that point? And and how does he do all that without acids apologies potion as we saw like Barney had to be continuously drinking out of the flask the entire time. He was mad eye moody. It just it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. So it’s a bad get to go hang out with Creedence.
He’s gonna spy he said he Getting off on a two felony.
Yeah and fantastic BS. It’s it’s not a great movie. It it did however make the world feel magical and expansive again, because I think by like the last three or four Harry Potter movies the world felt very tight, it felt small, it felt intertwined. Everything only happened to like six people. There’s only like five spells that are using but Fantastic Beasts come in and re expands the world. It made it feel like anything can be done with magic. And I think that’s how the first two books and the first two movies really felt is like
I said what I said, you can’t do anything with magic and magic is cool and fun. And this world is huge. And there’s a million things going on in it fucking magic. And oh, you know, I also thought it was cool and fantastic piece in both those movies that were watching fully trained adult wizards do the magic. Just because for the same reason. They’re like they know what they’re doing. They’re not kids learning anymore. It’s not. Well, here’s a school lesson that most of you are gonna fuck up some way. It’s we already learned all this shit. We know what we’re doing. We’re just gonna use spells and be badasses. And that’s really cool to watch. That’s fair. That’s okay. The world building within the Fantastic Beasts movie is a lot better than any of the plot lines in either movie. Which is all I’m really interested in Harry Potter anyways, it’s like I just want to see what can be done in this world.
I mean, yeah, I agree with that.
Which brings us to our final award the best win for Harry Potter. This is pretty easy. It comes in definitely Hallows Part Two. he defeats Voldemort.
II don’t think that’s his best one. No. Okay. Well, let me let me lay it out for you. Maybe you’ll agree with me. Otherwise, you know?
I mean, you’re right, but you’re wrong. Okay.
Well, so does he defeat him here, but he explodes him into a million pieces, right? And I don’t want to forget all the steps it takes to actually get there. And these are all things that we see in this movie. He’s got to infiltrate green guts and Bellatrix his balls to get hufflepuffs cop. He’s then got to break into the school. He’s got to find the diatom and escape the dumb ass slither and scene fire that they set off in the room over requirement. He’s got to figure out that he’s the true owner of the Elder Wand and trust that it actually means something. He has to learn about his destiny from all snakes, memories, and build up the courage to go confront Voldemort. He uses the resurrection stone, he confronts Voldemort, he dies. He’s got a nice discussion with ghost Dumbledore ghost ghost door, is that what we’ll call ghost, double ghost, there we go, returns from the dead, waits until the geaney is actually dead and then actually kills Voldemort. And all the while not knowing how or what any of the horcruxes actually are? Because the movie did such a terrible job setting up how they should have discovered them. That’s a lot for her to do in that one movie. Yeah, it’s
a lot to do. But I just don’t find it to be the best big
when the Dark Lord is dead. For real big one.
It is a big win. And he you know, there’s some major detractions from it, though. That’s that’s all that’s my kind of whole. I think there’s too much taken away from there’s a
Yeah, there’s a lot taken
best when I got defeating kworld in the Sorcerer’s Stone, mostly because he didn’t have to do too much. Obviously, he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing quite yet. Just kind of fell into it. But that was I mean, I think that was a major eye opener for what the fuck he was going to experience. Like, that would have been so incredibly frightening. So you have this terrible upbringing, you find out you’re a fucking super special wizard, you go to this awesome school. These teachers are basically parents, you were the closest things you’ve had to, to to people that care about you and try to teach you things like parents would in your entire life. And then you find out this dude who no one will even really talk about his, like, half baby head attached to one of your teachers. While at the same time he falls to pieces because of just the strength of love your mother had so I mean, he’s grown up his entire life. Like I mentioned prior, everyone’s ragging on his mom, everyone’s ragging on his family, especially Petunia, her being her sister and fucking hated her guts she should probably shut
her out for a second these parents that name their kids Petunia and Lily like come the fuck you can’t think of better outcomes flower child’s Yeah,
get out of here you hippies. But that I think is is pretty, pretty cool for Harry. It’s It’s It’s the cat To list for absolutely everything, and at the same time learning that the Sorcerer’s Stone exists, so he’s simultaneously forced to grow up dramatically, while he’s getting the best Crash Course of magic use and the range and potential of magic that anyone in the history of fucking magic has gotten. When you see a stone that makes you live forever, in the Sorcerer’s Stone, the basic resurrection of the Dark Lord, so you’re privy to very critical information as well. So I think he wins on multiple fronts. He said, fuckin Voldemort back fuckin is gonna be a big word this episode. He fucking he learned the range of of life to a certain extent. And he also learned more of his past he just, this is his great leap forward.
Because this call to action and that makes sense. And I agree with you on a lot of the points you made. I had chamber secrets as my runner up for a lot of the same reasons. I think getting into the Chamber of Secrets and defeating ghosts, Tom Riddle was a little bit more challenging because he was all he was doing it all by himself. He had her mind and Ron to kind of help him through all the challenges to get to the Sorcerer’s Stone. And again, just kind of staring into the mirror of hair said got the stone from him complete luck and touching coral slash Voldemort started burning his skin again, that’s just complete luck. He didn’t know any of that was gonna happen. But he has a lot more agency over the things that happen in Chamber of Secrets. And he’s like in the middle of dying because the basketball is Vassilis bites him at one point. So he’s in the middle of dying and he still brings the courage to fight back and fight on and stop ghost rental from fully coming back and and taking over Jenny’s life force. But but it’s it’s a lot of the same thing is his This is his. He has these calls to action, which most 1112 year olds would just be like, Ah, fuck it. I’m out. Let Lockhart take credit for it, right?
Yeah. Fuck this, go get my YuGiOh cards.
And so that’s something that happened this last time that I read, because when I read them the first time I’m a kid, pretty much the same age as Harry. And so like, it all made sense. But when I’m reading it as an adult, and I look back and I’m like, when I was 13 I was a fucking dumb ass. I’m not doing any of this shit. This this is a kid pulling all this stuff up. And it really in the first three books is where that really rears its head is like he’s 11 1213 years old. Going through this and doing it with just absolute gusto. That really, that’s really cool.
It’s it. Yeah, it’s pretty solid. He’s the luckiest kid in the fucking world ever.
And he’s The Boy Who Lived ya know? So the worst win for Harry is in Order of the Phoenix library, he doesn’t really went. I think it’s safe to say in order to the Phoenix and Goblet of Fire, he doesn’t really win at the end of either of those movies slash books. Voldemort loser lures them into the department administrators on false pretense. He goes that causes a serious to die. They lose the prophecy while they’re there. Voldemort goes toe to toe with Dumbledore. And I mean a great scene but like I think it’s severely hindered Dumbledore there. He possesses Harry for a little bit and he gets away so I don’t know how at the end of order the finish is gone. Yeah, Harry. Here’s the dude and this one. I mean, the perseverance Well, yeah, here was coming back but that was a rough one. That was a ruffle.
I agree. But I went with something different obviously. I think it was rough. But it was a great way to Sorry, I heard that I heard cried. It was a great way to to culminate a lot of things without it being the finale, the finale, you know, a lot of open ended, but really progressive things happen in that that movie which most of it was kind of not that great.
No, it’s one No, it’s like they really took a lot out of that one and I think it’s but I think at the end of it it’s it’s Harry Potter’s version of Empire Strikes Back where the bad guys are at the height of their powers now they have the biggest when the bad guys have the biggest one in Order of the Phoenix I think I guess it could be argued that Half Blood Prince killing Dumbledore you know kind of cementing that Snape is on the bad the evil side at this point. Now, no They take over Hogwarts
rising to power again. Yeah, like they’re there. They’re bad. And I the only thing, the only reason I picked this other one is because of the tremendous loss of life, especially to all those people that are super close to Harry. And that was definitely Hallows Part Two defeating Voldemort because so many of his close people died. And everyone there everyone else has PTSD. Hogwarts will never be trusted again. At love. That’s not true because Harry sends his fucking kids they’re still pretty busy.
No safer place.
Shoot. Yeah, definitely not. There’s nothing wrong here. They definitely haven’t put them in tremendous danger for seven years. Yeah, I thought that that suffer Harry because it really kind of boiled down to the relationships he made along the way. You know, all those people are his family and he lost very close. Lubin talks, was it Fred they got killed.
And George I think Fred lose his ear and George gets killed.
There is there’s a video out of people that that die.
Yep. I get how your site. I get where that’s coming from.
That’s a rough one.
Yeah, that’s a hard win. On the other side of it right is the win is good. But the cost of the win is the historic victory. Yes. And then I just want to point out because this is my order, the Phoenix entry that again, filters the one going around, removing all the magical paintings when Umbridge is kind of on her montage of shittiness filters, the one taking all the paintings down. So again, he gets interested with dealing with magical painting. So I really think we’re onto something with this filter knows this shit with magical paintings.
I think anything that’s framed because he also is a he’s the one. Yeah, yes. He’s very good at hanging rules and do’s and do nots. That’s true. very nifty.
All right, those are all our awards we gave out. Just to recap here we gave the best and worst Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher the best and worst use of magic by a wizard or witch, the best and worst magical artifacts slash creature, the best and worst evil plan and the best and worst win for Harry Potter. So go back and listen. All those of you forgot already. Yeah. So now we’re moving on to what would you do, Nick? And the question is, what is the best adaptation which movie do you not not? What’s the best movie but What movie do you think best adapted the source material?
That one’s really really tough. I’m torn between i think it’s it’s a Prisoner of Azkaban that did a really great job.
I have a really hard time a Prisoner of Azkaban because I don’t like how the werewolf looks. I think it looks pretty great,
isn’t it? I think the animation is not the CGI is not very good. But like today that would be higher. But I think chambers secret not chamber secrets. I’m sorry, the Sorcerer’s Stone. That was probably the best adaptation.
Yeah, I think with Sorcerer’s Stone. It’s the easiest to make because nothing in Sorcerer’s Stone really had stakes beyond Sorcerer’s Stone. It was more of a self contained novel. Like there were there were some easter eggs here that would come up later in the movies and things like that. illuminator and McGonagall is transfiguration and things like that, but they weren’t. They weren’t necessary to make the rest of the movies and I think Sorcerer’s Stone also best captures the magic of the world, which is a super fun thing to experience. And I think once they got to Prisoner of Azkaban and this is where I kind of disagree with you. Everything really led into future movies, and it became more detrimental to leave things out of the adaptations where if you left parts out in Prisoner of Azkaban, a Goblet of Fire or the Phoenix, those things often would come back in the books for Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows. So when you leave out of those early movies, you’re going to have to play catch up in the later movies to explain them away. Or you just have to leave them out and figure out a new way to do things. And I think Prisoner of Azkaban is where the movies start losing sight of the important details from the books. And they try and focus more on instead of including details, we’re going to look at how to make this the most cinematic. I think the first two movies do a decent job of keeping all the important details while trimming some of the stuff and condensing what’s needed. But in Prisoner of Azkaban we learned nothing about who the Marauders were before we meet serious and Pettigrew and see that stag patrols for the first time so Harry has no reason to believe that the stag PETRONAS was from his father because no one told him That Moony? wormtail padfoot and prongs were James serious Lubin and Pettigrew so when he’s sitting there going it was my dad It was my dad that doesn’t make any sense because it was never laid out that those people were were animal guy and could could do that. I think in the books Lupin explains all that to him. When he gets the the Marauders Map taken away from him. I have to read them. Yeah. And everything. We had no context on werewolves before Lupin changes for the first time you know, we see the moon and Snape well as the defense against the dark art stand in with the super heavy handed turn to the werewolf page kind of thing. So we don’t really get any background for like, we’re gonna see a werewolf and then just boom, all of a sudden we see one.
I mean, if you’re going into the movie cold, you’ve never read Harry Potter.
What a lot of people hadn’t though, right? Like a lot of people just watch the movies
would disagree with you there.
I think there’s a lot more people who hadn’t watched the movies and you never get a stab. I don’t think they established heavily enough why Sirius was important to Harry and how important Harry was to Sirius. Before Sirius gets recaptured. He has to fly away on the weekend whatever. I just they have this very brief conversation in the movie. And but but it was all these conversations was serious that helped Harry go full chub on his PETRONAS when the dementors were attacking now, but we don’t really get that we don’t get that he was so looking forward to being able to spend time with serious and to be at his house and have family real Yeah, we don’t we don’t get that in the movie. And then it’s just all sudden Okay, I can do my full paternalist now because what Yeah, and I also just don’t think they explained the time turn well enough which leads to hundreds of hot takes about how terrible it is at time travel. And it’s not as terrible as people make it out but people have only seen the movies think it’s terrible but like it’s explained much better how it works and why only certain things work in the books and and like so you get all this these terrible theories of or terrible heartaches of will time Turner’s are stupid because you could just do this this Why couldn’t they just go back and stop Voldemort and bla bla bla bla, but that’s not how it works. So
the old conundrum of book to movie adaptation.
Yeah. So that’s why I have a problem. I think Sorcerer’s Stone the best. I have a lot of problems a Prisoner of Azkaban I have a lot of problems with pretty much every movie after that. I’ve noticed. Yeah. So what’s the worst? It’s not? I don’t think prisoner masked man’s the worst.
Probably Goblet of Fire. Oh, that’s a good first one that comes to mind. For me, it’s
Half Blood Prince. I think they just cut out too much of riddles, memories, and that that would have helped them on the Horcrux on and that leads to them really, really screwing up the Horcrux on indefinitely hallows. Because in the books, they work much more like detectives and actively thinking through puzzles and figuring out what horcruxes are, why Voldemort chose certain things and where they would be hidden. But in the movie, it’s just like, now Harry just sincerely knows because Voldemort thinks about it. And lets Harry breed his mind.
So we got it. Come on, man. And check it out. Smoke a few blondes.
And again, I’ll never forgive the movie for not including that battle that’s going on while Harry and Dumbledore are gone. Like that is such a great scene in the books. And we just don’t get it at all. We just get mountain boy going. Boy let him in through the vanishing cabinet.
It’s one of the few moments that other people get to shine, like, you know that these other wizards are truly capable. And it’s really because of Harry.
Yeah, well, and they use the I guess Harry does drink the Felix policies to when it goes and gets slug horns memory. So I was gonna say he never got to use it, but he did there. Alright, so last and final thing. Do you think we’re ever going to see another Harry Potter adaptation? And what do you think that would look like?
kinda hope so. I hope they do it again. I know a lot of people would really hate that. Like Personally, I would hate to see them redo Lord of the Rings.
Yeah, but Lord of the Rings got a lot of stuff right? As far as I know, I’ve never read Lord of the Rings. But
I think it’s an improvement over the books.
Yeah, from what I’ve heard is everybody who loves the Lord of the Rings books also loves the Lord of the Rings movies with Harry Potter. It’s very hit or miss and people love the movies. Because they exist not because they tell the story that they want to see if that makes sense.
Absolutely. And I think it would be a fantastic like mini series like a band of brothers 10 hour 11 hours
I think you could buy want to say have, you know seven seasons?
Yeah, I mean, in my mind, that is the right way eight episodes, eight to 10 episodes per book. Yeah,
I just think that that would be too much like it would be a completionist way to do things like a lot of people wouldn’t enjoy that. You and me both bro. I think that would be if you’re gonna do it, that would be the way to do it and you lead but you still make it or and construct it in a way that people can skip like an episode or two and you can
kind of tell stories, right? You can tell it let’s see chamber secrets you get you can tell you can have an episode of like nevel and the herbology perfect Professor sprout working on the Mandrake potions, right? That’s gonna save everybody from being petrified. You can really you can kind of flesh out some of the side characters like nevel, who doesn’t really do anything until the fifth movie except fuck things up. Were really the whole time he showed a proclivity for herbology that we don’t ever really get to see in the books. You can you can expand on Dobby and how cells you can expand on what’s going on in the Forbidden Forest. There’s a lot, there’s a lot of space to use up that eight to 10 hours if there’s not enough going on with Harry. Right, right.
I mean, well, you could just do it from different perspective, like the old show skins used to do that pretty well. Or they would switch between different characters, POV ease. And I think that’d be really neat.
And I don’t know that it’s important for the first two books because like we said that the movie, the two hour movies did a pretty good job of including what’s necessary there. But once you start getting into, like Prisoner of Azkaban, where you’ve got to explain who they are, you can do a whole episode on what the Marauders were doing and how they developed the map, you can, you can do a whole episode on her mind a time traveling back and forth getting to all her classes kind of things. So I think there’s a
lot there, there’ll be a lot, the payoff would be much richer, because it would I mean, you obviously wouldn’t be able to tell things linearly. If you did it that way, it would be a lot of bouncing in between. But I mean, you can easily do that in a way that you can’t really tell what time that exactly goes down. And then it ties together at the end, right? That’d be cool.
And like if you compare it to Game of Thrones, which Game of Thrones did a mostly good job of adapting the books when they had source material. And they took it to TV pretty well for those first four seasons where they had good source material for. And I think Harry Potter is a lot more linear and adaptable The Game of Thrones ever was there’s not as many point of views, there’s not as many things going on. So I think it can be done. Excuse me, it can be done. And we’ve seen the blueprint for it now. And I agree that it’s it’s different than Lord of the Rings. I think a lot of people want a true adaptation because the last three or four movies were really, really missed the mark. They didn’t hit the plot points that needed to be hit because they were making the movies before the books were out and didn’t know what was important. And that was a problem.
Oh, yeah. And I think I hate to say the advancement in CGI. That would be a tremendous factor and the purely the budgets. Yeah, I think if HBO pick that up.
Well, I don’t think they can really peacock owns all the movies right now. Okay. But I think I think HBO Yeah, I think Warner I think Warner owns it all anyways. It’s all very confusing with who’s strange what, what goes where now, but I think if it happens, they’ll definitely wait till Fantastic Beasts the movies are over. Before they try and do anything else. I think JK Rowling wants to finish that, which I hope they do. Because I know no one else cares. But I’m still pretty interested to see what happens to the rest of the fantastic beast movies. I don’t think it’s good. That the last thing that we see is here’s a new hidden Dumbledore and we’re just never gonna cover that again. That would be really shitty if we never got back to that point and resolve that. So like, I’m interested to see that and I really want to see out of them how a Horcrux is actually made. That’s one of the things that’s always interested me is like, what is that actual process that goes into that? And I think we’ll probably see grinda ball try it at some point in those movies. Um, therefore, I mean, I I hold Harry Potter near and dear. But yeah, it’ll be interesting to see what happens I think most people’s hesitancy with getting a new adaptation is the the actors that were in the original were so perfect. It would be very hard to replace any of them and
they were all the actors. The child actors are now are fucking awesome. Think like the Stranger Things kids. Actually good actors. Daniel wrestling would be a great James Potter. Yeah, just have Ron be, you know, fun looper grin is just Ronald Weasley is dead
are easily can be Dumbledore that was always the theory is that Dumbledore is a time traveling Ronald Weasley or some shit like that. That’s a dumb thing. That was an early theory. Yeah.
Kevin’s like Fuck you man. I wrote that shit. No. But yeah, I
just think I think those those three especially have embodied who the the golden trio is so well like Emma Watson’s fantastic and I like Daniel Radcliffe and pretty much everything he’s done Rupert Grint hasn’t done much else but like those three are if you look at them they’re Harry Ron and her mining and like the guys who played the twins were very good the the all the adults were very good. Gary Oldman is serious. Dumbledore is probably the exception. Richard Harris was really good, but then Michael Gambon wasn’t as good. Maggie Smith as McGonigal was so good data to list as Lupin was so good Peter Pettigrew as scout or whoever plays Peter pedigree was perfect as rat guy. refinance rate as Voldemort like those things that are gonna be hard to replace that people will have a hard time overlooking. If the casting isn’t perfect for the new ones.
I think they’d be able to do it but yes, you make very good points.
And a lot of these actors just bring them back anyways. Right? They’re still out bringing back in some capacity or just like David Thewlis could still be looping like bringing it Who cares?
Just do it like Power Rangers did have 40 year olds playing 1112 1314 year
olds refresher in high school.
Like 40 All right,
you got any more thoughts on the Harry Potter movies?
I do not man this pleasure.
Yeah, always great talking Harry Potter. This will be our last Harry Potter episode. Unfortunately, we might get a little more Harry Potter talk in in finale month if it comes up naturally in one of those conversations. But a lot of fun as always to talk Harry Potter. You can follow us on twitter if you’ve got your own Harry Potter hot takes or want to tell us what you do or don’t like about the movies that’s at APA something or at alone underscore podcast. We’re always there listening. You can check out our firstname.lastname@example.org just search a podcast about something. As we said this is our last Harry Potter episode because the show is coming to an end at the end of July. And I will be moving on to a new podcast about season three various TV shows called the magic number two, three. And you can follow that on twitter at magic three TV pod. And you can always listen to Nick on the URL alone podcast. You want to give a update on that.
Yeah, check us out on a loan podcast.com There we go. Or any podcast catcher out there.
All right. And thank you always to those cats for providing the music for a podcast about something.
You guys stay sassy. Stay classy
Transcribed by https://otter.ai