Episode 147 – A Podcast About Beach Games (The Office)

You’ve pushed yourself through a rough work week and are surprised with the unexpected, a Beach Day. Of course, with a beach day comes Beach Games, and the caveat to this trip is that those beach games could land you a new job! Sound awful? We agree, but luckily you won’t have to live through something like that, because the members of one of the greatest shows on earth did it for you already. The Office, Season 3, Episode 23 finds our characters subjected to yet another scheme by the world’s best boss (self proclaimed), Michael Scott, and now they must fight for their lives (figuratively) in the new Regional Manager sweepstakes. Who finds themselves paired together during the egg on a spoon contest? Who shoves the most hot dogs down their gullet? A sumo suit anyone? If that sounded insane, it’s because it is! Would you tolerate or enjoy a beach day with your work colleagues? Would you walk across a pit of hot coals to prove a point before confessing your love in front of everyone? And for god sakes, look at what we’re doing, and go tell someone it!

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Full episode transcript available below

Kalvin 0:06
To podcast about something each week we dive deep into whatever it is we find interesting. I’m your host Calvin and joining me from Lake Scranton co host Nick Richardson,

Nick 0:16
the third, large or eighth largest indigenous body of water in the United States.

Kalvin 0:24
I feel like that’s not true.

Nick 0:26
I don’t know.

Kalvin 0:27
I mean, okay, you got great lakes. So we know that those are the five largest obviously, you got Lake Champlain in New York. That was once considered to be a great lake but didn’t make the cut. Sorry, Lake Champlain. Even though you have a sea monster champion. Lake Okeechobee here in Florida, it’s pretty big. Feel like Lake Tahoe has got to be big.

Nick 0:50
I mean, there’s probably a ship. I’d like to disqualify a couple of lakes because they stink. So I’m looking at you. Fucking Lake Michigan. stank ass leg.

Kalvin 1:02
List of largest lakes in the United States. All right, one Lake Superior to Lake Huron. Three Lake Michigan for Lake Erie. Five Lake Ontario. Six Great Salt Lake. Seven. Lake of the Woods in Minnesota. iliamna Lake and Alaska. Oh ahi in North Dakota. Or even even even we take out Alaska. I mean, lakes Grand Lake Okeechobee in Florida. Man Champlain is number 13. I always grew up I because I used to live on Lake Champlain thinking it was this huge lake and it’s not

Nick 1:40
close. These fucking peasants not even living near a lake.

Kalvin 1:43
I also don’t Lake Scranton is a real place.

Nick 1:46
Probably I’m sure it is when it probably stinks like should probably like like Springfield dirty. They find seven or eight dead bodies in there every year and you don’t want to go there.

Kalvin 1:57
So is this like Springfield, Illinois, or is this like Springfield from the Simpsons?

Unknown Speaker 2:03
Both.

Kalvin 2:07
So anyway, we’re here to talk about the beach games in the office, not what the largest lakes in the United States are. But I think we all learn something here today, didn’t we?

Nick 2:19
I think we did. I sure did. Did that is it? You are correct. It is not in fact, true.

Kalvin 2:25
But like Scranton is a real place. So thank God for that. So the office is one of the best sitcoms ever and unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 16 years, you probably know what it is. But if you have been living under a rock and where your first stop on the internet, the office is thanks for stopping by, by the way, great to have you been listening. Probably a lot of places you should gone first Pornhub for instance, you know, give a lot of catching up to you got a lot of catching up to do on the internet. But anyway, the office is a show that was set up as a documentary following the lives of people who worked in an office together at a mid level paper supply company, Dunder Mifflin in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Nick 3:10
Before we continue, I have something to confess.

Kalvin 3:13
Okay, you’ve never seen the office?

Nick 3:15
No, I work with a gentleman the the guy that works below me because he’s a loser. He claims to be he’s a self claimed cinephile never seen the office. Not one episode. Not one minute. Never seen Parks and Rec. Never seen the good place. Well, so it just sounds like

Kalvin 3:35
this guy’s not your friend anymore.

Nick 3:36
I mean, he walks around claiming he’s a cinephile. I didn’t really like him in the first place. I mean, full consumer file, bro. I know.

Kalvin 3:46
Yeah, we call yourself a cinephile as pretentious as hell. I like movies. I watched as many movies as I possibly can. I have never claimed myself to be a cinephile just because like, it’s such a douchey thing to say.

Nick 4:00
It really Fuck it. And then when he said, because I was dropping office references all the time. And he was not getting them. I was like, dude, have you ever fucking seen him? I was. No, I got that

Kalvin 4:12
once in college, right? I dropped random Seinfeld references or quotes all the time, right? One of my friends. Like, we’re sitting there and it’s on in the afternoon and and he saw something that I had said before he goes, Oh, that’s from this. And I’m like, Yeah, he’s like, you’d probably be a lot less funny if I watch more of the show. And

Nick 4:35
you’re like, so don’t

Kalvin 4:36
Yeah, so let’s turn this off now please.

Nick 4:39
Well, have you heard of Power Rangers?

Kalvin 4:42
Yeah, let’s watch the Power Rangers dude.

Nick 4:45
Now hit the shit and get some power rangers

Kalvin 4:49
definitely would need to be listened subsistence if you’re watching Power Rangers in college.

Nick 4:53
I bet that’d be lit as

Kalvin 4:55
I learned the other day that so it rains here in Florida often in the afternoon. And when it rains during PE time my daughter does indoor PE and you know what they do for indoor PE? And watch the fucking Power Rangers.

Nick 5:08
They watch TV for indoor PE yeah

Kalvin 5:11
cuz then they like do the karate that Power Rangers do Oh

Nick 5:14
yeah, that is gangster as fuck whoever came up with that regimen. baller,

Kalvin 5:18
she got through like three episodes before she finally told me that that’s what they do during indoor PE. And I’m like,

Nick 5:25
What the hell? grab her by her shirt. Like what?

Kalvin 5:28
You look like you’ve been watching that school this whole time. And I think she said they did parts of the movie first, which is super inappropriate to watch at school for six year olds.

Unknown Speaker 5:40
Yeah,

Kalvin 5:41
I mean, just that lady. Really? The rest of it’s fine. Yeah, she’s a ninja lady.

Nick 5:47
You know, she’s hot.

Kalvin 5:47
Yeah, she is. And then they will watch. I don’t remember what the bad guy like she tells me and she’ll tell me who the bad guy who the monster is. And I’m like, Oh, yeah, I remember that one.

Nick 5:58
Yeah, I watched that when I was your age.

Kalvin 6:01
And again, a few months ago, because we were doing a podcast about Power Rangers three part episode almost three and a half hours long. Go back and listen to that. If you love Power Ranger talk.

Nick 6:12
It’s actually a really good series. I enjoyed re listening. Yeah.

Kalvin 6:15
But we’re not here to talk about that yet. Again, we’re here to talk about beach games, which takes place in season three. It’s Episode 23. They’re going to Lake Scranton, where Nick is currently at. And they take a coach bus there between the office and the lake. Which How far do you think the office was from the lake?

Nick 6:37
17 minutes. Yeah,

Kalvin 6:39
Scranton is not that big. But the big bus that they ride on, like, it feels like they’re going like two hours or something. Right? It’s one of the coast buses got a bathroom on it and everything like, right, why didn’t they just drive their cars there?

Nick 6:52
That’s a good question. Probably because people didn’t want to ride with Meredith.

Kalvin 6:57
That’s fine. But why did they go to the office to go to the beach, right? Everybody just mean at the beach at 10? If it’s in this, they all live in Scranton. Like it’s not that big of a town.

Nick 7:06
That is a very fucking good point. And is that the same bus they rode later in the series? The work bus? Yes. I would say no, no, when they wouldn’t get high.

Kalvin 7:17
Yeah, that was the work bus that Dwight set up as a temporary Right, right.

Nick 7:21
Yeah, you’re correct.

Kalvin 7:22
And there were like desks and shit. There’s a lot more space. It seemed like that was I think that was Leslie Noakes campaign bus. To be honest, the work bus was.

Nick 7:30
The one surprised me a bit.

Kalvin 7:33
Yeah, so they take the coach bus there. Which Michael calls a party bus. It’s very decidedly not a party bus. Yeah, I look forward to as fuck. I mean, there’s singing show tunes the whole time. And I can I love a worse experience than being stuck on a bus for anywhere between 17 minutes and two hours with my co workers singing the Flintstone song.

Nick 7:57
No, I’d be the guy like chain smoking out of the small crack in the window. Like,

Unknown Speaker 8:02
I fucking hate you all.

Kalvin 8:04
I would pretend to be asleep. So sunglasses on hat pulled down. Wake me up when we get there.

Nick 8:12
I probably cut a few farts too. So I get some space. Yeah, for sure. So Oops, sorry.

Unknown Speaker 8:20
Man, I’m assuming.

Kalvin 8:22
So the the office gang the the people who work at Dunder Mifflin. 99% of them are going to the beach to have one of these co worker outings that companies love to have.

Nick 8:34
Yeah, for some fucking reason.

Kalvin 8:37
So that moves us into our five fundamentals some things about the beach games with the first being Why is the seemingly normal group of office drones going to the beach? What do you think, Nick?

Nick 8:48
I mean, he’s trying to sell well son as a simple day of fun, but uh, he’s got a few ulterior motives.

Kalvin 8:57
Absolutely not nice ulterior motives out the ass. Yeah, like a bunch of them just asked load. Back to the assets. This is better than S S. S. S S

Nick 9:12
I feel like we have trends we

Kalvin 9:15
are lucky you’re the Dix one. You are.

Nick 9:21
I rip off your dicks, bro.

Kalvin 9:25
Everyone thinks they’re getting a nice day outside of office life to some fun in the sun. That’s what Michael sells it as but again, ulterior motives, as you said, because Michael has been offered a chance to interview for a position at corporate and he’s got a bunch of team building exercises or fun activities planned for the the team there. And some diligent note taking for Pam, and there’s a special prize for the winner.

Nick 9:53
Well, one thing I also thought of when I was watching this episode again is it almost feels like a going away party. For Michael, when he’s watching a kid’s birthday party.

Kalvin 10:04
Yeah, because he he thinks he’s going away. And he set it up that way for himself

Nick 10:10
is very, you know, stupid of him. But a blast out there do fuck Sumo suits. Yeah,

Kalvin 10:19
we’re gonna get to that we’re gonna talk about what we would think about it but let’s let’s focus on Michael here for a minute because he’s he’s really the the the catalyst Yeah, the catalyst thank you the straw that stirs the drink of this episode, which I found myself pausing a lot more while than I expected while I was watching it. Usually when we do an office episode, like I know it off top my head, I can stop and take notes and and let it keep going. But I, I was just it wasn’t that I didn’t remember anything. And I think there was just more to every little thing than I thought, I thought these little things were just kind of one offset, but then it would be this joke that kept compounding on itself. So it was a lot of fun to rewatch and to kind of really pay attention to because I probably haven’t paid attention to it since the first time. I watched it back in 2009.

Nick 11:07
Absolutely. And I mean, I kept going into the episode thinking it’s like, I know what happens in this episode. And as I’m watching it, it’s just like, I don’t know how they’re gonna fit everything in this, how the it’s just packed. It’s packed with a lot of stuff. It really is. And and

Kalvin 11:23
well, that that was the other thing that, like you said, you as you’re going. Like, I remember these jokes, were here. And there are these different things. And I’m like, where do these come up like this? Only 22 minutes, they can’t fit all of this stuff in still, and you know,

Unknown Speaker 11:38
they did a good job. They should have poker dude.

Kalvin 11:41
So what does Michael hope to accomplish at the beach games?

Nick 11:47
I mean, he’s got to find the replacement. You gotta have someone to fill that role because he is pretentious. And thinks he has that choice. Yeah, I don’t think I don’t think any, you know, large corporation of that caliber would be like, yeah, regional manager guy pick your own replacement. That is I just don’t see that happening.

Kalvin 12:08
I think they would they would take his recommendation. Right? They would. Being Michael they would take it with a grain of salt. But I think that they would accept it and and put some stock in it. Like if if they’re choosing and they have these four people lined up. And it’s let’s just say it’s the four people that Michael chose Stanley, Jim and Dwight. If Michaels leaning towards two white, I think they would take a little bit harder consideration at to white because Michael trusts him. Right.

Nick 12:40
Yeah, I suppose. Or at least David Wallace wood.

Kalvin 12:43
Yeah. Well, David walls would picture.

Nick 12:46
Yeah, probably.

Kalvin 12:48
At all. Exactly. And I mean, I think Jim, probably, if he had not removed himself from contention from the corporate job, which we’ll get to more on that in a minute. I think he probably would have got that job over Ryan. But Michael thinks he’s a shoo in for the job at corporate. So he’s out there trying to determine who has the best leadership skills to take over for Him and who he’s going to recommend to David Wallace. When he eventually gets the job, which he doesn’t.

Unknown Speaker 13:18
Spoiler, spoiler,

Nick 13:21
I going back to your point of having to pause the episode a lot. I really fucking did a lot. My my wife was like, reading shit out for me as I’m trying to type it. Yeah, she’s like, you get that you fucking get that.

Kalvin 13:37
I was doing it on my phone. And for some, like my keyboard must have resized or something. Or I just can’t find the key because I got a new phone a couple months ago. And it’s one of the bigger screen ones. And I can’t get the spacebar, right. I keep hitting a period in there. And so I’ll have all these like weird round sentences with 15 periods and stuff spaces. And I have to go back and change. So like I make all these weird grammatical errors when I’m typing on my phone and doing notes. So I try and catch those as I’m writing the notes. As I’m watching and yeah, I’ve just kept getting lost and be like, okay, pause, rewind, pause, rewind fine.

Nick 14:11
We’ll quit being a sucker and get an iPhone man. No, False. False.

Kalvin 14:18
So who is in contention for the job? I already said it. It’s Annie, Jim Dwight and Stanley. Andy, he’s classy gets Michael he went to Cornell. Michael trust Tim cons for Andy though. He doesn’t really trust him.

Unknown Speaker 14:33
I don’t really trust it.

Kalvin 14:35
That’s a really great setup by Michael of like, I trust him. You know, I trust him do the right job. Cons don’t really trust him. Because all of these were perfect. Yeah, Michael sets himself up Really? Well. Quite a few times in this episode. Michael was was firing all cylinders in beach games for sure.

Nick 14:54
It really felt like a masterclass in improv by you know It was fantastic. Michael scarn was on full display the acting chops of that beast.

Kalvin 15:07
So give me some pros and cons about Jim.

Nick 15:10
I mean, he’s smart.

Unknown Speaker 15:11
He’s cool.

Nick 15:12
He’s good looking.

Unknown Speaker 15:14
He’s handsome, that remind you of anyone, you know?

Unknown Speaker 15:20
I’m no.

Nick 15:25
And, but he doesn’t really work hard at his job. He spends a lot of time at reception. And you know, it’s just, it’s just not good.

Kalvin 15:36
That that not a hard worker is another great Michael set himself up to just jam a punch line home when he’s like, you know, sometimes he’ll finish a project in half an hour, that would take me a full day to finish. And I could

Nick 15:49
spend hours on a project and he’s done in a few minutes.

Kalvin 15:53
So obviously, he’s not a hard worker there.

Nick 15:58
He’s so exasperated by it, too. And

Kalvin 16:01
he’s like, I don’t understand how he how he does that. He’s obviously nailing this and he’s not just like, smarter and understands that or, like, doesn’t waste his time with all this banal shit that Michael does.

Nick 16:13
My 20 trips to the cooler and my 20 cups of water and 20 scans of the office that takes time.

Kalvin 16:19
So for the way he’s got the best sales record in the office, he loves the work. However, he is an idiot. He’s an idiot. And that’s, you know, that’s a fair point on Dwight. All of those points are very good.

Nick 16:37
accurate, very accurate.

Kalvin 16:39
Tell us tell us why Stanley should be considered.

Nick 16:42
Do not knock it. You said not really paying attention to the episode since like 2009. It doesn’t age that well with Stanley because he’s just all the good black people have done in America and he sounds like he’s in pain while you say he frowns emphatically he had

Kalvin 17:02
no reason it was 100% the Rooney Rule interview right? Oh, NFL you have to interview so many minority candidates for however many white candidates you interview. That’s an NFL rule. And that was like clearly what Michael is doing by choosing Stanley. He’s like, we got one black guy. He’s my guy to put up for a

Nick 17:26
while. I mean, shit, dude, he had a Judge Dredd level frown. Like That thing was stretching down his face. He had no

Kalvin 17:35
better reason to hire Stanley as the boss. Like he’s the most senior employee. I guess creed is the most senior employee, so that doesn’t count.

Nick 17:43
No one told me we’re having hot dogs.

Kalvin 17:46
Creed’s great episode,

Nick 17:47
I fucking love greed. They’re all pretty awesome in this episode.

Kalvin 17:50
Yeah, everyone is really good. Kelly, I wish Kelly would have done a little more. I feel like she could have done more at the beach.

Nick 17:56
She was really absent that since she had one line. I think the whole episode.

Kalvin 18:01
She dropped the egg, which we’ll get to in a minute. And I think she said something. Oh, she when they’re doing the hot dogs. Angela asked for the turkey burger. And Michael said he gets the turkey burger. And Kelly went in on like how healthy of a meat Turkey is or something like that? Oh, yeah. Then you have two lines.

Nick 18:19
To that’s very minimal for Kelly. Oh,

Kalvin 18:23
yeah, I agree with you there. I think though. So I think that still holds up because of who Michael is. Like that. It

Nick 18:30
makes sense. That’s part of Michael’s

Kalvin 18:32
character is that he doesn’t get that saying those things in those ways. are inappropriate. And he does constantly throughout this series, and like that’s part of my character is that like, he just doesn’t get where that line is. And that like by him saying that he’s saying, well, this is just a diversity thing. Like I don’t really give a shit. And he’s not really in contention.

Nick 19:00
I’m not taking it seriously. Yeah. And it’s the fact that he’s just having all these. I mean, he has like 15 synonyms for you know, just cool and great for Jim. And because Stanley is black.

Kalvin 19:16
Because Stanley is black. It’s because some black people have done good in America.

Nick 19:23
There you go.

Kalvin 19:24
So let’s talk about the the makeup of these teams.

Nick 19:28
Let’s go some wicked tight teams. Yeah, so

Kalvin 19:30
let’s go with Andy’s team first. What’s the team name here?

Nick 19:33
motherfucking. Team USA.

Unknown Speaker 19:36
Why did he choose that?

Nick 19:38
Cuz he sucks polls.

Kalvin 19:41
It’s such a kid size but he’s Patreon he’s a patriotic is that

Nick 19:44
these are? Those are the worst gods, the worse.

Kalvin 19:48
They are now but I think in in what was the 2007 when this episode would have first aired. I think there was a there’s a different connotation of being patriotic in 2007 than there is In 2021

Nick 20:01
Oh, yeah, I mean, at the time that was like the surgeon know, that was a bomb and they did the search. I know bush did a search to Yeah, after 911

Kalvin 20:09
there was a big patriotism surge. And I think the the remnants of that were still around in 2007. And then 2008 Obama gets elected. And there’s this new pride from kind of the other side of the aisle now in well, America’s for us to

Nick 20:26
right. Fuck Ms. Obama.

Kalvin 20:28
Yeah. Listen to Obama’s podcast with Bruce Springsteen. Oh, no, thanks.

Nick 20:35
That sounds awful.

Unknown Speaker 20:37
No,

Kalvin 20:38
did you catch who was on so they didn’t do a very good job of explaining who was on each team. They show like one pic for each team. But I had the hardest time trying to get a roster going. There was one scene right before they do the egg race where everybody’s kind of segregated into their teams. And if you pause it there, you could see So did you get who’s on Andy’s team?

Nick 20:56
I believe I did with my wife’s help. bless her heart. She was like Leo DiCaprio. And you know, the Hollywood movie. I don’t know which one, but you’ve seen

Kalvin 21:04
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah,

Unknown Speaker 21:06
she’s like Ritter,

Nick 21:08
Andy, Meredith, Kelly and Angela.

Kalvin 21:11
I do not have Meredith on Andy’s team. I don’t think she’s on Andy’s team. Well,

Nick 21:16
did my wife lie to me?

Kalvin 21:18
I had Andy Angela and Kelly I had Meredith somewhere else.

Nick 21:21
See, I couldn’t figure out technically work. Meredith was a tough was supposed to be.

Kalvin 21:26
Chris was way off to the side and creed was crucial onto White’s team, because the white was the farthest over and creed was closest to the lake in that scene. So like he had to be on Dwight’s team if he’s with the rest of his team, but being creed, who knows.

Nick 21:43
You’re out here being all scientific. And I was just like, I don’t know. I can’t tell.

Kalvin 21:48
What do you think Team USA strengths are as a team? You know,

Nick 21:51
I think they can hold their liquor. really well.

Kalvin 21:57
If Meredith?

Nick 21:59
Meredith is there, yeah.

Kalvin 22:00
If not, then that makes it negate that. I think Andy and Kelly are probably second and third to Meredith and being able to hold their liquor.

Nick 22:08
Yeah, I mean, they called me They call him. Yeah, he

Kalvin 22:13
called me homie. I love it when he gives himself nine nicknames. And once he called me,

Unknown Speaker 22:23
yeah, barf,

Nick 22:25
call me Ace, Ace, um, I got straight C’s.

Kalvin 22:32
So this is what I have. We’ve done a few office episodes before we’ve done one on the dinner party. We did one on the branch merger, go back and check those out. But this happens often, when we talk to offices, we kind of get derailed into other things that happen on the office. That’s it.

Nick 22:46
That’s the beauty of the office. And if you’re listening, you’ll get it. Strength, though. And this is a tactic by Andy as a manager candidate, and that’s picking a well rounded team because you know, including

Unknown Speaker 22:57
him,

Nick 22:58
too as a member of sales. Kelly is a member of what human resources customer

Kalvin 23:03
relations.

Nick 23:04
There you go customer relations and Angela, the head of accounting. So yeah, all three facets of of the office in there and he’s out here looking out.

Kalvin 23:16
That’s that’s a very good point. I didn’t think about that. But he’s got around a team.

Nick 23:25
LinkedIn clicked in my mind like a fucking idiot. I Excuse me. Let’s

Kalvin 23:28
leave it in. Don’t worry. I got it. I’ve got a strength of hot dog eating as well.

Nick 23:36
They do pound some hot dogs.

Kalvin 23:37
anyone’s a hot dog eating contest.

Nick 23:39
Except one came up.

Kalvin 23:41
But he still won though. Oh, he’s What did you have for weaknesses for Team USA?

Nick 23:47
They have a mole inside in Angela. A trader, if you will. He’s also hamstrung by Kelly who does not care at all. She’s surrounded by sand. right dude, she’s surrounded by sand Kelly would definitely be one of those. She’d be like anniken like, hits so close. To not be having a good time and Andy would just be freaking out the whole time like

Unknown Speaker 24:15
fuck, you’re at a beach idiot.

Kalvin 24:19
She just didn’t want to run to the big rock. I get it. You know everybody’s afraid of big rock sometimes.

Nick 24:24
Ed Helms does such a good like he’s a good guy to explode. He really is.

Kalvin 24:30
Good. Good yellers in TV history at Helm’s and Paul Bettany.

Nick 24:36
pub n is a fantastic killer.

Kalvin 24:41
long division.

Nick 24:43
Yeah, yeah, he’s a pretty good yeller.

Kalvin 24:46
And he also gets stuck in a sumo suit in the lake is a weakness for me.

Nick 24:50
That’s I mean, because of the mole, the mole factor, it’s a double, double, double. You

Kalvin 24:55
see what I’m doing? Go tell someone.

Nick 24:58
Look at what I am. Doing and go tell did that. What? That was so perfect.

Kalvin 25:06
Let’s talk about the blue team chosen because this is Stanley’s team and Michael tried to name them the red team because Stanley was wearing a red shirt. But Stanley can’t agree with Michael on anything. It goes against his very nature. So he chooses the blue team as his tiny act of defiance against Michael.

Nick 25:25
I like blue.

Kalvin 25:28
That’s a pretty good Stanley. It’s no john Stanley, but it’s a solid Stanley.

Nick 25:33
I don’t watch him Stanley. Like it’s a stereotype, man.

Kalvin 25:37
Who else did you have on Stanley’s team?

Nick 25:40
I had Oscar and Phyllis. Yeah, so not the I think it’s not many strengths.

Kalvin 25:50
No, two very, very low strengths. The the biggest strength they have is that Stanley is highly motivated to work for himself rather than anyone else in the office. He’d rather work for a broom with a bucket on its head. And he gets the eye of the tiger during the sumo matches.

Nick 26:04
Yeah, he really does. I mean, makes Jim’s life flashed before his eyes.

Unknown Speaker 26:09
Sight beach.

Kalvin 26:10
I couldn’t think of three people who would care less than Stanley, Oscar and Phyllis in the office.

Nick 26:16
I feel like Oscar would give a shit. No, no, he was giving a shit.

Kalvin 26:21
Oscars too pretentious to give a shit.

Nick 26:24
Yeah, right. He’s

Kalvin 26:25
too like high class or he thinks he is.

Nick 26:29
Oh, like Scranton. I found seven dead bodies there just this year.

Kalvin 26:35
Actually, it was eight dead bodies.

Nick 26:38
Actually, it was eight dead bodies.

Kalvin 26:40
Yeah, that that was my main weakness for this team is just the general team management. No one on this team is good at anything.

Nick 26:47
Well, no. And Fern Stanley.

Kalvin 26:52
Like Oscar is good at being an accountant. And loving Gil which actually he’s not good at because he’s gonna he’s thinking back to girls. Yeah. Or who does these ads Angela thinks he can cross over.

Nick 27:06
Right? That seems like a weird thing Angela would say but I’m just gonna go ahead and say Stanley and Phyllis are very large. They would have a hard time doing shit in sand. Like a pound hotdogs potentially. You better fucking believe it as a former very large person saying was my mortal enemy. Because very clumsy no balance. It’s do a whole lot of falling around.

Kalvin 27:29
It’s and it’s gonna be I usually put it off with the like the new episode tweet. I’m gonna put the hates and gift just for you.

Nick 27:37
You should

Kalvin 27:39
has nothing to do with the office. But that’s fine.

Nick 27:41
I mean, I hit send. So close and irritating.

Kalvin 27:47
So Griffin is the whites team.

Nick 27:51
Why really surprised by the way?

Unknown Speaker 27:52
He likes Harry Potter.

Nick 27:54
He fucking loves Harry Potter.

Kalvin 27:57
What Why do you think Dwight chose Griffin door?

Nick 28:01
Cuz he loves the prototypical horror, horror, Hero story complete opposite words. My brain is ridiculous. Sometimes.

Kalvin 28:10
Well and slow. They’re not the bad guys.

Nick 28:12
Well slow there and are the bad guys. And, you know, I think he also chose Harry Potter because he wants to be the boy who lived. And by lived. I mean,

Kalvin 28:26
was that survives the firewalk

Nick 28:29
he doesn’t know that yet. But that I mean, that would kind of come into play. It’s like a legend of prophecy coming to fruition. He has chosen to walk on fire he is he’s got glasses, and terrible hair and

Kalvin 28:42
wouldn’t be hard to get a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.

Nick 28:44
naku clothes he’d given himself. Yeah, like most bread me.

Kalvin 28:50
So the team members here I had bird to white, Ryan, creed and Meredith. So Meredith must have been standing right on the edge of the whites team and Andy’s team where he couldn’t really tell which team she was on. But I think there must have been something later that I noticed she was with the white instead of Andy.

Nick 29:09
I mean, that would make sense. Just because I feel like Dwight wants to pick people he can bully. Yeah. Or, you know, he can outwit which I think he could do that to anyone on that team. And you see evidence of it later.

Kalvin 29:25
Yeah, you see evidence of it, but but Ryan doesn’t put up with that shit. I love that and Ryan’s a little bit right you know, like that’s not always a great motivating factors is he yelling at somebody until they do it right that you have to listen and be compassionate towards people and Dwight doesn’t

Nick 29:40
get that. Fucking I wish my dad watch the office.

Kalvin 29:45
There are a lot of coaches from the 90s and early 2000s. That should have watched the office and learned the lesson that Ryan was trying to teach.

Nick 29:52
Dude, I could count on both hands how many code hands on me, Coach dude fucking scream in your face. Put hands on you and show It’s like, oh my god. All right. Well, with you.

Unknown Speaker 30:03
Yeah.

Nick 30:05
Yeah, I wish if you quit you’re like you fucking pussy.

Kalvin 30:08
Yeah, quitting was you can’t take it quitting got yelled at even more somehow. So the strength of this team

Nick 30:17
I’m honestly, survivability. I feel like Meredith is a goddamn cockroach and can survive anything fair. Dwight is a. I give it to Dwight. He’d probably be able to kill a few things out in the wild. Oh, yeah. And one of them might be Ryan. Ryan’s got enough meat on his bones. I

Kalvin 30:35
would definitely be eaten first.

Unknown Speaker 30:37
Oh, yeah, definitely.

Nick 30:38
I mean, do I might even be able to convince him to give himself up?

Kalvin 30:43
I could see a creed would just kill him so quickly. It’s not dude. He would Yeah. Like Ryan would start bitching about how dirty it is outside and created. Knife the shit out of him.

Nick 30:53
rip his fucking throw it up.

Unknown Speaker 30:55
Yeah, I

Kalvin 30:56
like that. They have the extra team member. They have the 14 member every other team has three. And they also have team pride. There are some Gryffindor chants that go on throughout the episode.

Nick 31:07
I mean, how can you not chant for Gryffindor? If you don’t, you’re a jerk.

Kalvin 31:11
And Dwight is insane and an idiot and I think that’s a strength for this team.

Nick 31:16
He is passionate. Calvin. very passionate.

Kalvin 31:19
I said what I said.

Nick 31:22
I don’t take that shit back.

Kalvin 31:24
He’s insane. And an idiot is another great word for passionate.

Nick 31:29
I’m an insane idiot.

Kalvin 31:31
That’s so insane. Idiots on their resume would say I’m very passionate about my work.

Nick 31:37
There you go. I’m super passionate about my work. And I’m a go getter.

Kalvin 31:43
Yes. So what do you have for the weaknesses for Team Gryffindor?

Nick 31:50
Really, it’s the most dysfunctional team you can possibly put together. Meredith is one of the few people that doesn’t take white shirt. She’s 100%

Kalvin 31:58
hammered immediately when they get to the beach, too. Oh, She’s good. She’s

Nick 32:01
got the fucking 44 ounce styrofoam cup ready to roll sipping on it. The second she stepped foot on that she probably slept on it the whole way there pregame pregame for 18 minutes to two hours. There’s

Kalvin 32:14
apparently a deleted scene. I didn’t go watch the deleted scenes I probably should have but I read that there’s a deleted scene where there’s like a no alcohol on the bus sign on the bus. So she like takes off real quick and goes and like pounds once before she intervene before she gets on the bus. She like dumps it in a cup. It’s something like that so she can sneak more alcohol.

Nick 32:33
I mean, that sounds about right. Yeah, that’s and Ryan is just a kind of a baby. Do I mean polar opposite of what Dwight needs?

Kalvin 32:44
door stands for?

Nick 32:45
Yes.

Kalvin 32:46
I had poor leadership skills in the white. You know, we already talked about him just yelling to motivate his team members not good. And also Creed’s just off, noodling, catch some fish over there with his arm.

Nick 32:55
I see. I would have fucked off immediately from this and I would have been hanging out with creed.

Kalvin 33:02
Fish, like,

Nick 33:04
I don’t eat any fish again. But the man caught a fish with his bare hands. Like dude, do that again.

Kalvin 33:10
Now we get to the final team. Jim’s team

Nick 33:13
Voldemort. Love that dude. He was so great. Looks twice shooting him like you motherfucker. It’s

Kalvin 33:23
better later on. Michael says 13 name to whites like Hold on.

Nick 33:32
I gotta give it to Jim for that because I assumed

Unknown Speaker 33:36
a lot of

Nick 33:37
this the details I forgotten. I immediately assumed he was gonna say slither in and then he said Voldemort? It’s like Yes, yeah, he really knows how to just stick a knife anyway. Yes.

Kalvin 33:45
100% difficult. The white. Love it. It’s perfect. And this team is made up of Jim, Karen and Kevin. What do you have for strength rating? Yeah, great that that’s the fun team. That’s the team I want to be on because they’re just they don’t give a shit. If they’re winning anything. They’re just there to have fun.

Nick 34:02
Well, I mean, you got a hell of an eater. And Kevin, actually, one would say it maybe the best eater and Kevin. He cooks a hell of a chili. And also you have I can totally see like the whole lovey dovey bullshit that Jim and Karen are going through. And Kevin just sitting back and being like, Oh, that’s so great. Yeah, I wish I could do that.

Kalvin 34:27
That that was mine, too, is just synergy. Right? So nice. Office Li buzzword thrown out there. Good synergy. You got Jim and Karen, who are great at working together and are a solid couple.

Nick 34:38
And they’re okay. I mean, I think any team with Jim on it, though, would have good synergy.

Kalvin 34:45
And the same thing with Kevin Kevin’s the glue guy that every team needs. He’s a Robert already out there. I don’t know who that is. He has won seven NBA championships. Nick. How do you not know who Robert Horry is he’s just like a roll. He’s like JJ Reddick let’s say that she’s a good role player,

Nick 35:03
JJ Reddick Jesus, I’m just kidding. I’m just fucking kidding.

Kalvin 35:10
Not getting back to the NBA episodes,

Nick 35:12
strongly worded text message.

Kalvin 35:16
Yeah, just you know, just he’s a synergy guy. He’s there. He’s gonna make everyone on the team happy.

Nick 35:23
Well, it’s like Jim knew a food competition was coming.

Kalvin 35:25
Yeah, he probably saw 100 hotdogs in the cooler and was like, Oh, I know a guy who can eat those. You know, we’re

Unknown Speaker 35:31
just all in a bag. Fucking nasty.

Kalvin 35:35
What do you have for weaknesses for Voldemort?

Nick 35:38
Not taking it serious soul is split

Kalvin 35:40
into eight pieces. It’s a weakness for sure.

Nick 35:42
That mean there you go. I yeah, I just see them fucking around too much. And Michael beat a little bit.

Kalvin 35:53
Yeah, they prefer to goof around as to actually actively winning. And you know, two members decide that they’re going to interview for the corporate job. So they really have no dog in this fight after that happens.

Nick 36:05
I suppose you could call that a weakness

Kalvin 36:08
that they don’t give a shit. They started out giving very few shifts. And then they decided that they were also going to interview for the job. So now they’re giving giving even less shifts. They’re reverse shifting. Yeah, so they’re in the negative shifts right now. Going back into the buts

Nick 36:27
just have a weird sound effect in the background.

Kalvin 36:32
Suck it sound right.

Unknown Speaker 36:35
Did you suck it in? You suck it through your show.

Kalvin 36:43
Alright, so let’s move as far away from that as we can

Unknown Speaker 36:47
just suck it. Suck.

Kalvin 36:56
That’s the sound the thing makes. David also so good in that episode.

Nick 37:04
He really was.

Kalvin 37:06
Okay, so let’s talk about scoring at the beach games. Let’s start with how is Pam been keeping score and how is she tasked to keep score?

Nick 37:17
with a pen and paper, a pencil and paper? Yes, very diligent note taking. But Michael does not have a uniform system of awarding points not

Kalvin 37:26
their hotness, per se, but their charisma and their humor and their undefinable qualities which leads to just a great exchange of Pam saying you want me to write down everyone’s definable qualities. And Michael just goes I want you to write down everything about everything and then type it up in a way that is helpful. And that basically sums up how I take my notes for each episode of this podcast is I just write down everything about everything and type it up in a way that’s helpful.

Nick 37:53
And try to remember the rest. I’m gonna have the reference.

Kalvin 37:57
No, there’s no remembering like, I literally script out almost everything I’m gonna say. Set that sentence because I didn’t know this would come up. And, and don’t set an hour just down the rabbit hole of me being off track and we

Nick 38:09
see where this goes. So I have to plan I’m gonna tell I’m a mighty big rapper.

Kalvin 38:14
Now there’s a good amount of riffing, but I do have a like I, I when I think of something, I have to write it down because like, I know I want to make this point in my brain is so scattered. Sometimes I’m like, I’ll never get back to this point. If I don’t write it down.

Nick 38:28
I always think of things like four and five days after the episode releases, right

Kalvin 38:32
fuck. I’ll be going through editing and I’ll think of a better joke than like the one I sat or a better comment on something you said it was like, What the fuck? We were professionals at this, we could go back and re record back in the studio.

Nick 38:46
Back in the studio bitches.

Kalvin 38:48
And she keeps track of them all the scores in her notebook that has no conversion chart.

Nick 38:55
Why doesn’t have a conversion

Kalvin 38:56
get to that. First. Let’s talk about what Michael thinks the scoring system is and how he has scored different things. As you said chaotically throughout the episode, what what did you get down for all the different scores throughout the episode?

Nick 39:13
At one point, Jim got 10 points. Yep. Stanley got a thumbs up. And Dwight got a gold star.

Kalvin 39:20
Yes. I think there’s some additional points going out here. And he’s patriotic. He made sure Pam wrote that down. So I think he’s counting something for that. Griffin door wins the egg on the spoon race. Technically, they made it the farthest the closest back to the original starting point. Because Karen just walked off into the lake because Jim was fucking around with her. Kelly stopped immediately because she was afraid of the big rock. And Phyllis just dropped hers after like three steps. Yeah, yeah. So you know Ryan made it quite a good ways. Team USA wins the hot dog eating contest led by Andy. I think The blue team wins the sumo wrestling like there was no way. So Dwight won his match and Stanley won his match. So you would think there’d be a championship between the way and Stanley and I just don’t think there’s any way Stanley loses to the white after what he did to Jim.

Nick 40:14
Well, I think they they probably planned on it but why it was just bowing Andy repeatedly. Oh, yeah,

Kalvin 40:19
well, yeah, they never got that suit back either.

Nick 40:21
No, probably lost this deposit. Poor guys.

Kalvin 40:25
Pam wins the firewalk but she’s not in contention. Michaels looking for someone with a sales background. So with no boobs, deadweight loss the firewalk because he looks so pitiful with his feet burning and Michael deducted 60 points for that. And to white one, the Amanda Bynes sudden death tribal council round because he was the only one that participated. Stanley had given up and walked away right before the firewalk. And he had disappeared after sumo wrestling, as we’ve mentioned several times, just floating around the lake. And Jim removed himself from contention so he could interview for the corporate position so to white technically gets a win there as well.

Nick 41:03
So I think do I won?

Kalvin 41:04
Well, let’s talk about let’s Why isn’t there a conversion chart in Pam’s notebook? This has always been this was honestly the reason I wanted to do this episode was to talk about the conversion chart. Because it’s such a funny Michael moment. And it’s so on brand for Michael.

Nick 41:21
Oh, it is perfect. I want to know if that was an improv moment. I yeah, she just seems so naturally bewildered. Yeah, the fuck did you just say, but she does such

Kalvin 41:30
a good job of responding to it too. cuz she’s just like, I don’t think that really makes sense. Michael, he’s like, well, just just check him.

Unknown Speaker 41:38
Okay.

Nick 41:42
I can’t. So many bosses and dumb shit like this to me. Yeah, it’s like, that was the perfect way to sum up the useless bullshit errands your bosses make you do. There’s so

Kalvin 41:52
many times at work, like doing data analytics, and you know, finding things from one source and trying to compare them to another source and finding good way to match these things up. And you know, I put an hours of work behind something and I get it as close as I can. And then you show it to somebody and they’re like, oh, but can’t you just like, Can you just convert it? And you just want to go convert? What? What the fuck are you talking about?

Unknown Speaker 42:17
Oh,

Kalvin 42:19
I spent several hours on this. I explained to you for 15 minutes what I had to do over those several hours. And your solution is just converted? You know, and that’s Michael, it’s exactly what you said is it’s somebody who completely doesn’t understand what’s going on, and decides that they have the solution. Right? There’s gotta be a conversion chart. You just do it. But he’s had a joke, right?

Nick 42:48
I don’t think so.

Kalvin 42:50
None of the things make because that’s where the conversion chart comes out. Because Pam says Jim got 2010 points. Do I got a gold star and Stanley got a thumbs up. And she she kind of said, I don’t know how those things fit together. And Michael’s like, we’ll see if there’s a conversion chart. And

Unknown Speaker 43:08
I just

Kalvin 43:11
none of those things make sense to you. And Michael knows they don’t make sense together. That’s why he’s asking for a conversion chart. But he’s just so damn ignorant, that things don’t work the way he thinks they should work. That he’s he just is adamant that Pam must check.

Nick 43:26
Well, I for some reason, I assumed that back in the day when he was in elementary school, and he had a notebook with a conversion chart in it. It’s very simple one, you know,

Kalvin 43:36
centimeters and all that. Yeah.

Nick 43:38
Right. And then he drew many penises from centimeters to inches big and tons of boobs. And they were like, no more notebooks for you guys. So he just he has that deficit in conversion chart knowledge. And I think it’s just fair as eGrants.

Kalvin 43:54
org. So there’s obviously no conversion chart, because why would there be right? But I want to take this moment. And this is something that I just thought of last night when I was putting the notes together. This isn’t something I had in mind when I first put this outline together. But it dawned on me that we need to take this moment to build the conversion chart. We can do this. So I went ahead and did it tell me if you agree or disagree. points are going to be the base for for all the conversions. Everything’s gonna be converted back to points because I think it’s the most universal thing. And the easiest to convert to.

Nick 44:28
Yes, it’s universal.

Kalvin 44:29
Okay. 10 points, obviously. 10 points simple. I think a gold star is worth 20 points.

Nick 44:38
That’s a gold stars. More like five points.

Kalvin 44:43
I think I think gold star is the highest accolade you could get here. It’s it’s gold, and it’s a star which are two great things so you get 10 points for Golden 10 points for Star Jim got just 10 points for something. I think a gold star is better than 10 points.

Nick 44:57
So you got to go up because he was golden face.

Kalvin 45:00
Well, Jim didn’t get the gold star to wake up gold star. Yeah, but

Nick 45:03
he got 10 points and you said gold is 10 and stars 10.

Unknown Speaker 45:09
Exactly.

Kalvin 45:10
So do you agree with me like,

Nick 45:11
What the fuck are you talking about? No, I get you. For the sake of argument.

Unknown Speaker 45:16
No,

Nick 45:17
I mean, yes. I think that’s fair.

Kalvin 45:20
All right, and then I got a thumbs up as one point.

Nick 45:23
See, that’s got to be at least like five took a lot for Michaels give Stanley a thumbs.

Kalvin 45:28
I’m willing to go to five. But it has to be the lowest a thumbs up is literally the most effortless thing you could do to tell someone they did a good job. So that’s why I think it should be the lowest here like just doing this. That’s nothing. And obviously this is a podcast so you didn’t see me put up? Well, I’m saying where

Nick 45:48
I was like, where

Kalvin 45:50
Nick and I aren’t even on camera. So like he can’t see it. I mean, I did a thumbs up. And it was super, I think

Nick 45:58
it’s got to be more than than one point because he knows the thumbs up won’t insult him. But you know, Michael, we spoke about this earlier would be like, hey, my man, good job. Keep it up.

Kalvin 46:09
He definitely went in for a fist bump and didn’t get it. So then he’s like, ages like he moved the fist bump into a thumbs up and then yelled back at Pam. Pam. Stanley gets a thumbs up.

Nick 46:23
I tripped sorry. I didn’t mean to Yeah, I just my face was coming at you. I could see him definitely saying being like Black Power brother.

Kalvin 46:32
It’s like the Tom Brady gift where he’s he’s holding up his hand and nobody gives him a high five and you just kind of rocks it into a fist pump. Yeah, that’s Michael here. Yeah, goes for a fist bump turns into a thumbs up. Then tells Pam to write that down.

Nick 46:48
This has happened to me several times. And it’s Yeah, it was horribly embarrassing.

Kalvin 46:53
I’m doing so many thumbs up right now that the listeners can’t see it’s not even funny.

Nick 46:57
You should just make the episode picture you with your thumbs up.

Kalvin 47:03
So who do you think is winning according to Michael scoring system?

Nick 47:07
I’m gonna go with Stanley real or Dwight actually because the gold star?

Kalvin 47:13
Yeah, we already determined that’s 20 points. But the way he also wins the race. And he walks on fire. He wins his match in Sumo but I’m assuming he lost it again in the championship to Stanley there. He wins the Amanda Bynes sudden death tribal council round. I couldn’t I acronyms. I made an acronym out of it in this note so I couldn’t figure out what the R stood for. Abs DTC are the Amanda Bynes sudden death tribal council round. That’s what it is.

Nick 47:41
Dang, that’s the last person I would want in a tribal council.

Kalvin 47:45
Amanda Bynes?

Nick 47:47
Yeah, so do you really fucked up?

Kalvin 47:50
He gets 20 points for his gold stars we discussed. I think he’s way ahead of the other teams at this point, even with the brutal loss of 60 points for the firewalk remember, he tried the firewalk But Michael deducted 60 points for it.

Unknown Speaker 48:02
What a dick.

Kalvin 48:03
Because he looks so pitiful.

Nick 48:05
He’s such an asshole.

Unknown Speaker 48:07
I can’t. I can’t

Nick 48:07
do it. I already burnt my foot on George Foreman Grill.

Kalvin 48:12
So in your opinion, who wins this if we’re only considering beach games and what happened at the beach games? Who won?

Nick 48:22
I mean, I gotta say, Dwight. is Andy literally won none. Jim would participate. Hot Dog contest. Anyone? I mean, I guess that counts. But he lost like a little bee word. He did pupil. Little buster. Yeah. Right. So he’s out. I think Stanley came in second for sure. Because he tried in came close. But you know, little Kid Icarus action and has his wings melted away. He can crashing back down. And so yeah, Dwight is left at number one.

Kalvin 49:01
Yeah, it’s got to be the white. Like he said, Jim didn’t take it seriously. And he wouldn’t take being regional manager seriously, if he were recommended, as we kind of saw when he was co manager.

Nick 49:14
I mean, he tried for a little while.

Kalvin 49:16
He tried but there’s still kind of the goofiness to.

Nick 49:19
It’s staying in the same office, if he would have went to a different office.

Kalvin 49:23
If he would have if he would have gone on to be the Albany branch manager. I think he would have been fine.

Nick 49:29
Yeah, I agree. Stanley,

Kalvin 49:31
he was a little too selfish about everything. He was only there. So he didn’t have to work for someone else. But I agree. I think he’s second in points here. He tried. And then Andy disappeared for most of the games. So

Nick 49:44
I mean, Stanley literally looked like he would kill for that job. But for selfish reasons, not

Kalvin 49:49
because he wants to make the branch the best. It could be because he doesn’t want to work for anyone else. Yeah, that’s fair. And then Andy disappeared and as we later See, that’s exactly what he Do as regional managers he disappears.

Nick 50:02
Dang. That’s a good point. I didn’t even think about that for foreshadows.

dumped into

Kalvin 50:11
Greg Daniels note all along, or make sure whoever was writing these episodes

Nick 50:14
probably did. wouldn’t be surprised.

Kalvin 50:17
So I think Dwight, he’s got the most points he cares most about the job to do it well, and to keep the branch running strong. I think I think Dwight earned his spot here.

Nick 50:29
I mean, and he already has the experience of assistant to the regional manager. So it’s very true. Manager. That’s correct.

Kalvin 50:38
So let’s talk about Toby. This is our fifth, something Toby got left behind. Toby was not in the beach games, in case anybody didn’t notice when we were running through our team names. Our team lists and hasn’t seen this episode in a while. Toby did not attend.

Nick 50:55
So they just left him behind, right?

Kalvin 50:58
Yeah, they left him at the office. I read something that because I can’t think of his real name, but the actor that plays Toby, because he was a writer. Oh, yeah. There you go. Riverside. Yes. Because he’s a writer on the show, they would sometimes leave them out of these bigger things, so they could focus more on writing, so they wouldn’t appear on camera as much. And maybe that’s why we didn’t see Kelly as much in this episode either. And we really didn’t see a lot of Ryan, because those are three of the the big writers in this writers room for the office where Toby Kelly and Ryan

Nick 51:34
That’s true. I also read that episodes that don’t feature Toby or very, very little, most episodes where he’s not in them at all. Paulie Burstein actually wrote Yes. So I wouldn’t be surprised he’s looking right this episode.

Kalvin 51:47
I also I don’t remember if I read this, or I like I inferred it. But they would keep them off camera as much as they could. So they could keep paying them as a writer instead of an actor or something like that. I don’t know if wonder if it’s cheap. I just made that up in my head or not, though. I have no substantiation behind that. I think it would probably be cheaper to pay someone as a writer than an actor.

Nick 52:10
It’d probably be more like a block payment, whereas actor would probably I would not be surprised if it was contractual.

Kalvin 52:17
Right. So that Yeah, they might have only been allowed a certain amount of screen time or whatever. But so Michael tells Toby, he’s not allowed to come to the beach, even though he’s got SPF 30 sunscreen with him. Because someone needs to be at the office.

Nick 52:32
can have somebody why not Toby?

Kalvin 52:33
I don’t know why, though. Like they have an answering machine.

Unknown Speaker 52:38
What is Toby?

Kalvin 52:39
Yeah, well, Michael wants his day to go perfectly and that can’t happen with Toby around. Toby would ruin everything for Michael. You know, Michael wants Michael wants this to be his last hurrah. He wants everyone to send him off lovingly at the end of the day.

Nick 52:53
It’s it’s a stroke. Is he? Yeah,

Kalvin 52:55
Toby. Toby’s there. He’s not gonna feel that.

Unknown Speaker 52:59
Why are you the way that you are?

Kalvin 53:01
So what is Toby doing the whole time at the office now we don’t see him at all. We see him put like one piece of paper in the thing though, like mailbox on reception, but that’s all we see. So what are you thinking he’s doing?

Nick 53:14
Fucking smelling Pam stuff. He’s all up in that chair. Dude.

Kalvin 53:22
Yeah, he’s

Nick 53:24
sniffing that chair. Hardcore. Is it Oh my god. I’m

Kalvin 53:27
sorry. Who are you calling for? I was rubbing my face. farts.

Nick 53:34
And my first thought honestly is like Toby. Probably jerk it off somewhere in that office. line to think it’s probably a Pam’s desk. I

Kalvin 53:46
I don’t think that’s Toby. I think. I think he’s probably working, which is complete bullshit. I think he’s answering the phone. He’s filing paperwork. He’s responding to emails like he’s doing his job. Which

Nick 53:57
the hardest Toby’s ever worked.

Kalvin 53:59
What the hell are you doing, Toby?

Nick 54:00
Yeah, fuck that I’d set up my last day at Macy’s. If so, this was where everyone was gone. or? Yeah, it was my last day. I brought my PlayStation two and yeah, and just fucking set up a TV and sat there for seven and a half hours and play Grand Theft Auto nice. take my shoes off.

Kalvin 54:18
I made through like three missions on Grand Theft Auto three. I haven’t gone back to it for a while.

Nick 54:23
You son of a bitch. Oh, yeah. That’s if I was Toby, I would have something like that. on lock in my desk. Yeah, I mean, we have phones now. So I mean, what would matter? Why

Kalvin 54:33
is he even staying at the office like I would be setting up that voicemail message so fast and I just be fucking gone. And I figured out how to for the phones to my cell phone or set up the voicemail, whatever it needs to be done. Or if I felt obligated to actually stay there. I’d been kicking back watching movies as much as possible. Like you said, we’ve got our phones, the Internet of thing I guess in 2007 You know, there’s no Netflix streaming or anything like that, but I feel like he Could have found something better to do with his time. Michael’s got Varsity Blues in the office somewhere. sit back and watch that.

Nick 55:07
I mean, he’s got all the YouTube links you could ever need.

Kalvin 55:10
Yeah, everyone else doesn’t get to go to the beach and expect me to sit there and work diligently. That’s not happening. Fuck no, I’d

Nick 55:16
be pranking all of them. I’d be doing something to fuck with all those people.

Kalvin 55:21
I wouldn’t that’s too much effort. A gala gone. Fuck it. not putting any hard on, everybody’s gone.

Nick 55:27
You’re gonna come back to the smell of turds, or something horrendous. All right, I’m very immature. I see that. I’m a 2028 year old man. And I think farts can be very funny.

Kalvin 55:44
My wife would get along very well.

Nick 55:46
Dude, no, no lie. There’s this cat on the addendum here to the episode so we can afford something. There’s this cat that rolled out to me on his forklift the other day and he says, Please forgive me. And then he wrote off. And I swear to God, it was like a fucking shit bomb. What was the word? I mean, every time he went by it was like he should his pants.

Kalvin 56:14
So now over the part of the episode where we talk about what we would do in so many situations. So Nick, what would you do? What is your take on outings like this? Do you like them just like them as a, like, within an office environment or with a work environment?

Nick 56:32
I fucking hate them. They are stupid. They are a waste of time. And let’s just be real. Everyone that goes to these functions wants to be drunk. They want to be because it’s like, Fuck, I’m working around all these assholes all the time. Right? But you can’t get shit faced? Because you’ll fucking get chicken.

Kalvin 56:53
Yeah, you have to you have to find that that good. Like, where you feel okay, and you’re loose. You’re a little loosey goosey. But you can’t go full drunk because you’re definitely going to do something that’s going to get yourself fired. And they’ll say, you know, like, oh, you’re fine. We’re outside the office, you know, let let loose a little bit. But now there’s definitely like Meredith would definitely be getting fired from beach games. If this were a real office setting.

Unknown Speaker 57:16
Oh, hell yeah.

Nick 57:17
100%.

Kalvin 57:19
I’m not a fan of it either. But like, if I have to do something like this, I would rather it be something like Michael did rather than some generic ass dinner and drinks outing, you know, I’ve done those. I’ve done both of those things where it’s just let’s go have dinner and some beers. And they’re super boring. You realize you have nothing in common with any of these co workers beyond work. So you end up talking about work all night. And that sucks. Because I would rather just be at home watching movies or something. And

Nick 57:49
I’d be you’d rather stare at a blank wall than talking about what

Kalvin 57:53
to talk about work after hours. Yeah, I agree. Right. And I’ve done some others where there is like an activity plan. And those are infinitely better. We went to Top Golf one time is one of these outings, and it’s one of the better ones that had you know, Top Golf is? Nope, it is a driving range. But it’s like three stories of a driving. Oh, and you hit like into targets. Yeah. And so like you’re hitting, you’re trying to hit the ball into targets and shit. And it’s a lot of fun. And there wasn’t a lot of commingling going on during that. Because everyone’s taking their turns hitting balls. You’re getting your drink. You know, there’s there’s a lot to do. And you’re kind of talking more about the activity that is going on. You’re talking about Oh, how’d that last guy shoot? What’s going on here? How what’s your score all that stuff, then you’re talking about work. But again, also, I still probably would have rather been back at the hotel watching a movie. And you know, that’s probably just the main thing. But yeah, like, I don’t need to hang out with people from work. Like, ask me for what you need. I’ll do it. I don’t need to get to know you personally, I don’t care.

Nick 59:01
No, not at all. And Fun fact, I made that mistake when I was a young man working in the restaurant, and hey,

Kalvin 59:10
guess what? They don’t care either.

Nick 59:12
Yeah,

Kalvin 59:14
they don’t. It’s just more shit they can hold against you if they want to.

Nick 59:17
Oh, they did? Because I was 18. And I got a little too drunk.

Kalvin 59:25
Come on, Meredith. Let’s hear the story.

Nick 59:27
Oh, I just don’t really remember what happened all that much. I remember. Me and my buddy went. And we had fake IDs. So we showed up with beer. And I remember my general manager looked right at me and he’s like, you’re 18 How did you get that?

Kalvin 59:46
But that’s not really your

Nick 59:48
business. It’s not alcoholic. Why don’t you mind your shit. And then I continued to drink too much in the hot sun. I didn’t eat anything beforehand and puked everywhere, like right in front. I was. I just remember. I was standing there talking to a couple friends of mine. Yeah, that’s right. And just go right back to conversation. And then they cooked a bunch of food. And at this point I was starving and I just remember pounding like three cheeseburgers. Just go into town. Oh, I was getting I was.

Kalvin 1:00:18
It ain’t easy to

Nick 1:00:20
be cheesy. And just I remember my boss at the time was, wow, you’re in a lot. Are you? Hi. And I looked, I looked him right in the face with my super red eyes that were barely opened. I was like, Nah, dude. No, I didn’t go behind the pool garage. Whatever the fuck it is. But that was my younger restaurant days. And it’s so so on top of that. All my managers knew I smoked weed at the time. So every time I came in, I could feel them like oh, we would have been doing today. Nick. Small like fantastic cologne. Ralph Lauren blue. No weed here guy covered it up.

Unknown Speaker 1:01:07
Well,

Unknown Speaker 1:01:08
good. Yeah, it was.

Nick 1:01:08
It was the worst thing I can possibly fuckin do is go to a company event. And act a fool.

Kalvin 1:01:15
Yeah, that’s a bad idea. That’s a bad idea. Don’t do that.

Nick 1:01:18
Don’t Don’t do that shit, dude. Don’t.

Kalvin 1:01:21
So let’s, let’s move a little forward here. If it’s mandatory to attend, you have to do this. Your company is storing a beach games. It’s exactly what happens in this episode. But it’s your company all the people you work with currently, you go to the beach for the day. At which level which characters level? Are you participating in your own company’s version of this?

Nick 1:01:45
Honestly, probably Andy’s I’m gonna give it a go for the first two two things and then I’m gonna disappear.

Kalvin 1:01:51
Okay, I like that. I thought you’re like, I’m gonna be super intense. I’m gonna make sure everyone knows I’m here to win.

Unknown Speaker 1:01:58
No, way through that.

Nick 1:02:00
I’m gonna start that way and then I’m just gonna fade into the back.

Kalvin 1:02:03
Everybody remembers that you’re in it, because nobody’s gonna remember that, like two weeks down the road. Nobody’s gonna remember you disappeared though. Remember how intense you were at the beginning, though?

Nick 1:02:10
Right? They’ll be like, Man, that Nick guy, he really his team was Team USA. He’s fucking patriotic his shit. And I trust him. But he disappeared. Sometimes

Kalvin 1:02:19
I’d probably land somewhere between Jim and Kevin, I’d participate. But I would try to participate with as little effort as possible, because it’s always more fun to be doing something than to be doing nothing. And that’s why we’re about something, obviously. But I’d also be trying to find ways to make it more fun for myself which Jim looks like he’s trying to do with like messing with Karen and things like that. I wouldn’t just I I feel like standing off to the sidelines of this being a like a Stanley type person an observer. Yeah, just you’re just Phyllis Phyllis prize just like sitting behind watching what’s going on? that would that would be super boring. Because I’d rather have something to do then just sit on the beach with my co workers. Like I don’t want to just sit there and talk to you. Oh, fuck that you

Nick 1:03:05
don’t even have any booze to to enjoy. While you’re on a hot beach. You have chili hot dogs to eat? Like I’m doing something just to make the time pass.

Kalvin 1:03:16
Right? Exactly. I have to be there anyways, I’m going to participate in the things that have participation. least a little bit. Why do you think companies do dumb shit like this?

Nick 1:03:27
Because they think it’s team building. And if they really wanted to do team building, they just be like, Alright, we rented out a laser tag center. We will not be there. The beer is paid for the food is paid for

Kalvin 1:03:39
anytime the boss is there, it automatically changes the vibe. Well, it’s

Nick 1:03:45
a work dynamic. Exactly.

Kalvin 1:03:46
It’s a while I still have to listen to this person.

Nick 1:03:49
Right? And he’s, he’s trying to imply it’s company time if he’s here, so he’s trying to impart some bullshit, you know, bullshit upon me and every company I’ve worked at has done shit like this. Even the company I work at now, they canceled the past two events because COVID obviously, but I just don’t get it. It’s dumb.

Kalvin 1:04:13
Yeah, it just feels like a waste of time. Like people would rather be at home with their families than doing some dumb bullshit like this. Like just send everybody home early if you want to boost their energy level.

Nick 1:04:25
Yeah, give them a half day and pay him for a full there you go easy peasy. Or how about this instead of throwing a fucking party? Raise give me a fucking race. Give me 25 cents. I don’t care.

Kalvin 1:04:37
I think companies think it helps coworkers bond but it really from management’s point of view means a way for them to kind of force productivity on people in a way that doesn’t feel like they are. So because you’re at these things, you’re usually still discussing work, but it doesn’t feel like work. So more ideas are flying around. People are more open To taking on new things, when you know you’re discussing it in this environment, because you’re a little looser, you’re more laid back. And you don’t expect someone to hold an agreement made at an outing like this over your head, if you say it’s something you can do. So like, for instance, I’ve been at these things where we’re like, with like salespeople, and they’ll be talking about Oh, yeah, like, we need to track this. And this, I’m like, yeah, that’s probably something we can do. And then all of a sudden, a week later, they’re like, Hey, did you did you ever get this done? I’m like, we were talking about it at eight o’clock at night, three beers deep, like, No, I have other things on my schedule. I didn’t think that you needed in the next three days, you know,

Nick 1:05:39
that’s how I thought about it literally, for zero seconds is that

Kalvin 1:05:43
it’s something I can do, do, we need to have a deeper discussion about what can actually happen and how long it’s gonna take to put something like that together.

Nick 1:05:51
It’s like, I’ll do it for a second.

Kalvin 1:05:54
And so when these things happen, after hours, people get the quote, unquote, opportunity to be productive and discuss work while they don’t feel like they’re working, which is good for management. Because for all the reasons I just pointed out, if it happens during the work day, you now have to work twice as hard the next day to catch up on all the shit you missed, because you’re out doing this bullshit. And you’re still out there, kind of with a work mindset. So it’s like, it’s, it’s, it’s good, because you’re not sitting in the office all day. And that’s nice. But at the same time, like there are ulterior motives, because if it was just like, we want to get you guys out of the office, it would be like, just take a Friday off, take a half day, whatever, go go to the beach with your family, go do something that you enjoy. But forcing us all to be together and keeping this work dynamic makes it feel like something different. It’s work.

Nick 1:06:44
Yeah, it’s work. It’s basically work. You’re basically making me participate in this bullshit, you’re dictating what I can eat. Like, fuck all that. Yeah.

Kalvin 1:06:54
Yeah, that’s strong. Agree. They’re like, just let me go home. Yeah, I don’t care about any of these people. I will not be friends with them. I don’t want to be friends with them. Like, just

Nick 1:07:02
let me go home. Send me keep them as a work place associate. I’m cool with that.

Kalvin 1:07:09
What is wrong? What is wrong? Call them

Nick 1:07:12
a workplace proximity especially

Kalvin 1:07:14
Yeah, I knew there was another word in there. Your experts. So while I’m, while I’m watching this episode last night, my wife kind of doing her own thing walking around. And she’s mentioned that was one of her favorite episodes. So that brings me to a new point that I didn’t add on the outline. But I figured we’ll be able to do it off top of your head. And this is one of my favorites as well. She said she likes it because Pam stood up for herself and it happens outside the office. So you do get a different feel, which is great. In watching a TV show about the about office life is you do get a different dynamic with the show being somewhere else. But it’s not as fun to actually do in person. So what are your top three office episodes?

Nick 1:07:54
Ooh, top three,

Kalvin 1:07:56
three to five dinner party.

Nick 1:07:57
Yeah. I that’s definitely my my favorite episode. This is my third favorite episode. Mostly because I agree with your wife to a certain degree in regards to pay him standing up for herself. But you also see Ryan stand up for himself, Angela stand up for herself to a certain degree. You know, she’s taking a position and who else stands up for themselves

Unknown Speaker 1:08:26
as firewall white

Nick 1:08:27
students or for you know, to a certain degree, but you see a lot of background characters. In Stanley Stanley kind of stands up for himself too. He actually goes for something so it’s it’s interesting in that regard. My second favorite episode, the one with the cold open where there’s Asian Jim.

Unknown Speaker 1:08:51
That’s great.

Nick 1:08:53
For that cold. Yeah. All right.

Kalvin 1:08:56
I like all the memes that go around with Randall Park now like anything Randall parks in it’s everybody’s like, oh, john Krasinski is really great in this show are really great in this movie. It’s it’s always funny.

Nick 1:09:07
He’s very lovely.

Kalvin 1:09:08
Yeah. Randall parks Great. So mine our basketball number one. I think the first episode I ever saw and just like I fell in love with it when I saw the dynamic that was playing out on the basketball because playing pickup basketball most of my life, you see all that stuff happen and it just hit it perfectly. The dinner party is probably number two. And it’s a tie for number three between happy hour with date Mike and BGS. And, and third honorable mention here is Casino Night. I really like Casino Night too.

Nick 1:09:47
That’s a great night. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there’s a lot of really good episodes. There are a Odwalla Odwalla. Diwali. That’s pretty good. I feel like I feel like a I tried to samosa the other day. Fantastic. They are so good. My wife she went to a bachelorette party for he. She’s from Yemen.

Kalvin 1:10:12
And is there any salmon fishing going on there?

Nick 1:10:16
Yeah, I mean, even McGregor did a wicked hook shot if you know what I mean. But I also taught I also tried some falafel

Unknown Speaker 1:10:26
hooks that guy.

Nick 1:10:27
Oh dude from like, 40 yards away hooks him right in the cheek doesn’t even care.

Kalvin 1:10:33
Most of the stuff happening in that movie, but that just like that scene just flashed into my head. It’s awesome.

Nick 1:10:39
Oh my God, my cat fart and

Kalvin 1:10:40
check out our Patreon bonus episode about salmon fishing in Yemen. That is in the main feed now I am just ignoring your fart your cat fart for too long. Well, Stan, it

Unknown Speaker 1:11:11
stinks.

Kalvin 1:11:14
You said your one for a fart joke

Unknown Speaker 1:11:17
it’s not funny.

Kalvin 1:11:19
I think it’s hilarious

Nick 1:11:20
if you just fucking love to the best just came in here fucking shit on me. He didn’t literally shit on me but he

Kalvin 1:11:27
say had some some losses from the batch Smurfs ism falafel from the bachelorette party.

Nick 1:11:32
Yes, the falafel was absolutely stunningly terrible. tasted like shit.

Kalvin 1:11:38
That did not go where I thought it was going.

Nick 1:11:40
But yeah, Diwali, I would totally go to the good. Would

Kalvin 1:11:44
you bring your wife dressed as a cheerleader?

Unknown Speaker 1:11:49
Uh,

Unknown Speaker 1:11:52
no,

Nick 1:11:53
I I think it would be funny, but I’d love her too much to embarrass her like that.

Kalvin 1:12:00
Did you have anything else on the beach games?

Nick 1:12:03
I did not.

Kalvin 1:12:06
How does everyone forget sunscreen other than Toby?

Nick 1:12:10
Hey, Toby, because most people don’t think about that. Except for pasty ass foods like Toby and myself.

Kalvin 1:12:16
I think about it.

Nick 1:12:18
Are you pasty? Yeah. Do you tan?

Kalvin 1:12:20
Sometimes? I just I’ve had enough sunburns in my life that I just even the thought of being summer is like too much effort. I’m like, no, it’s it’s easy. Just spray the shit on me and move on with my life.

Nick 1:12:33
Right? I mean, I’m so pale. I worked outside for three years. And I did not get a tan.

Kalvin 1:12:40
That’s rough.

Nick 1:12:42
Yeah, I’m just read. I’m like white and red. I’m very Irish.

Kalvin 1:12:48
Understandable. So that is it for beach games. If you enjoyed this episode, we have other office episodes out there Episode 118. From August of 2020 on the Dunder Mifflin management structure, a lot of fun there. Episode 65, from June of 2019, was on the Dunder Mifflin branch merger when Stamford and Scranton branch is merged. I like a three episode arc there that we covered. And that, you know, leads right into beach games because we got all these people from Stanford in the beach games. And then we did Episode 45 was on from January of 2019, was on the dinner party. Nick’s favorite episode. My second favorite episode.

Nick 1:13:31
Wasn’t last week, Episode 145.

Kalvin 1:13:33
No, last week was 146. This week is 147. Oh, we’re

Nick 1:13:38
quite close to the old 100 episodes ago. Yes, nevermind. Sorry, I digress.

Kalvin 1:13:46
Yeah, dinner party would have been 100 episodes ago, two episodes ago.

Nick 1:13:53
100 episodes?

Kalvin 1:13:55
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ve done a lot of episodes and there’s a lot out there to enjoy. If you enjoyed this. You can also follow us on twitter where we talk about stuff all the time. That’s at APA something in at alone underscore podcast. You can sign up for our newsletter that may or may not last very long. There’s a link in the comments if you want check that out.

Nick 1:14:17
It’s good news. Yeah.

Kalvin 1:14:18
Send us a question. We’ll answer it. Send us a question on Twitter. We’ll answer it in the next newsletter if you feel inclined. And thank you always to those cats for providing the music for a podcast about something

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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