Cosmo Kramer was never one to shy away from a good caper. Whether he was trying to make money or save time or just felt the need to do something, Kramer was constantly coming up with new and exciting (and often dangerous) schemes. This week Kalvin is joined by fellow Seinfeld super fan, Nick Emel, from the 10ish Podcast to discuss the insane (but sometimes sane and quite clever) machinations of our quintessential hipster doofus. Kalvin and (new) Nick hold a draft as we go back and forth to try determine Kramer’s 10(ish) best schemes throughout Seinfeld’s run. We choose from over 60 schemes, plots, bamboozles, flim-flams, and great ideas while hilarity and Seinfeld quotes ensue! Let us know what your favorite Kramer scheme is on twitter @APASomething, @alone_podcast, and @10ishpodcast
Full list of Kramer’s schemes: Roll up tie dispenser, A pizza place where you make your own pie, Hennigan’s spokesman, The beach perfume, Calvin Klein model, The Kramer portrait, Coffee table book about coffee tables, Periscope for your car, Woody Allen movie: “These pretzels are making me thirsty”, Murphy Brown’s assistant – Steven Snell, Auditions for Kramer in “Jerry” as Martin Van Nostrand, Movie treatment for The Keys, Selling used records (Bleeker Bob’s Records), Soap Opera Stand In, Coleman’s Santa Claus, Police Lineup stand in, Miss America Coach , Ball Man at the US Open, The Executive beltless trenchcoat resale middle-man (Rudy’s), Moviefone 2.0, Handsome Cab Driver, Organized a Jewish singles mixer, Co-inventor of The Bro, Alex Theater Revival, Michigan Bottle deposit scheme, Restaurant that only serves peanut butter and jelly (pb&j’s), Cock fighting, Fireman, Tobacco Billboard Model, Sells his life stories to J Peterman ($750), Peterman reality tour, Imports Cubans (people) to roll cigars, Da Vinci sleep, The Merv Griffin Show, Pretending to have diseases so that medical students could diagnose, Seat filler at the Tony’s, H&H Bagels employee, Tested a banks “Hello” policy, Staying in shower all the time, Brandt-Leland (TCB), Introduced rickshaws to NYC, Kramerica Industries, Oil bladder system, Ketchup and Mustard in the same bottle, Jon Voight bite marks comparison, Dog-napping, Puppet Regime at Del Boca Vista, Airport gambling with Texas tycoon, Blood at-home bank, Highway Adoption, Karate class, Police Tape for Frogger machine, Unlimited Cafe Lattes after suing coffee company for coffee being too hot, Hot Tub & Fake Wood Wallpaper, The pigman escape, The Assman license plate, Butter shave, Meat slicer/Dr. Van Nostrand cancer screening, Apartment Switcheroo with Jerry, High-flow Showerheads, Clothes drying in the oven, The Junk mail, Strongbox, Reverse peephole, Sniffing accountant stakeout
Read the full episode transcript below:
Hello, and welcome to a podcast about something where each week we dive deep into whatever it is we find interesting. I’m your host, Calvin and joining me from the tennis podcast at the pines of Del Mar phase two guest host, Nick Emel. From the 10ish podcast, I think I said that already. Giddy up. And you know, I, you might have a new Nic on the block here.
Yeah, we definitely have a new Nic on the block for the day old Nick is on vacation this week. He doesn’t do Seinfeld. He’s never really seen the show. So whenever I get a guest host and I like to try and go deep into Seinfeld. And you’re that lucky guy today
will tell Nick, I have a problem with him on that. I take it personally that he hasn’t watched Seinfeld, but happy to fill a spot today. I’m joking. Of course, Nick is great. But I’m happy to be here. Thanks for having me.
We’re happy to have you. Why don’t you tell any listeners to a podcast about something they haven’t heard the tennis podcast with? We’ve or I have at least dropped your name several times. So they haven’t gone and listened because I’ve learned so much from the tennis podcast. So they haven’t gone off and listen on their own. They’re missing out. And they need to unsubscribe. Yeah, but why don’t you tell them what they’re missing out on?
You might say you’re listening to the show. Well, thank you. So I am the host of the senate podcast and myself and my sidekick host Brandon every week, we cover a top 10 ish list on anything and everything. And, you know, I we call ourselves a comedy podcast. I’ve heard others refer to us as edutainment. I have mixed feelings about that word, but basically so don’t cover. Yeah, it is a dumb word. I’ll give it to you. But we cover a different list. Every week, I’ll bring a list or Brandon will bring a list and the other person does not know what the list is. So for example, the latest episode we released at the time we’re recording this was the heaviest part of presidents in US history. Brandon brought that list and I tried to guess one through 10 on that list. No spoilers here because I’ve only made it like 20% through so far. Yeah, well, yeah, so no spoilers. But usually nine times out of 10 or nine times out of 10 ish. We our lists are based on you know, something unquantifiable or fact based not opinion. So instead of, you know, some podcasts out there, we’ll do like their favorite movies top 10 favorite movies, whereas we would do the top 10 highest grossing movies for example. So that’s, that’s kind of what we see as setting ourselves apart. And yeah, we have as of today 119 episodes and counting hope you’ll check it out.
There you go. I laugh at it almost every time the rapport between Nick and the lesser sidekick host Brandon is a fantastic we’re still waiting on a on a beautiful rendition of Santa baby from Brandon is coming Patreon exclusive right yeah,
I told Brandon you know quick sidebar I said Brandon, what if we do a thing where we say if we get you know x number of new Patreon members this month you’ll release Santa baby and he still won’t do it. But I’ll break them eventually. It’s coming you gotta get on the on the boat now because it’s coming sometime the sidekick hosts will sing Santa baby maybe while eating hot dog I don’t know absolutely well eating hot dog but we got to hurry and do it before he you know dies of old age or develops you know, dementia or something like that times ticking with him. But I really on the inside of all these inside jokes. Right. I love it. I love it.
So we are talking. We’re going into Seinfeld as you could hear from from where Nick is today. We’re specifically talking about Kramer’s schemes. Cramer over the course of the show had a lot of schemes to make money or to make things easier on himself or to just be Cramer ish. Save time. Yeah, save time, whatever it was. And we were gonna go through every random idea we could think of, but when we listed them out there are about 40 of those 40 ish 40 Yes, you might say yeah 40 and we’re gonna go through them and and kind of go into detail and then I realized that’s probably gonna take us like five hours and we’ve had some long Seinfeld pods in the in the history of a podcast about something. I wasn’t ready for it. So we shifted gears.
For the record, though, I will go five hours on Seinfeld. You know if there’s any topic I could go five hours on in the world. It’s probably Seinfeld
well, so I’ve done two three hour episodes already with the guys from the dunk tank. I did another like almost two hour bracket episode with another guy named Paul. So that’s, that’s what nine hours of or eight hours of Seinfeld already adding more than an hour. Yeah, exactly. So what we are gonna do instead is we’re gonna draft Kramer schemes. We’re gonna drop five each so that way we come up with 10 ish total. And we are going to so I’ll run down all the schemes here. In a minute, but we’re gonna draft five each and then at the end, we’re gonna somehow determine who’s the winner of this. Based on wit, what, five weeks drafted? I don’t know how we’re gonna do that. It’s mostly arbitrary. It’ll come to us. Yeah, we’ll figure it out once once we read through the finalists. Ah, but yeah, so that I’m gonna let I’m gonna be a graceful host and let Nick get the first pick here. Mm hmm. But Kramer had many schemes throughout nine seasons Seinfeld, some of them effort to make money. Most were just ramblings of the eccentric genius that he is. His ga stands at once put, people should plunk down $2,000 live like him for a week do nothing, fall ass backwards in the money mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. That’s a fantasy camp. So we’re here for our own Cosmo Kramer fantasy, cat camp, draft and five of these luxurious schemes each. At the end, we’re going to review our teams. But first, let me go down the third I came up with 39 schemes. So if I missed anything, make sure you correct me here. The first I’ll just go through them. I put them mostly in chronological order that they showed up in the show. Just gonna fly right through here. Go roll up. Roll up tie dispenser, pizza place where you make your own pie. He’s gonna be a Hennigan spokesperson. The beach perfume.
Klein model, the Kramer portrait, coffee table book about coffee tables. A periscope for your car. Does that one count? Because that was like an A Jerry dream sequence. Yeah, I was trying to recall that one. I because is that where he said he had a dream about the periscope
This was when I believe it was the episode so I’ve got it out of order. Definitely. Now I’m thinking I was it was the episode George got engaged or no, it was the the final episode of season seven where Jerry gets engaged. And he’s envisioning right before your car. He’s envisioning his life in the future. How Kramer is going off about the periscope in your car. That’s the one where
Jerry’s like it turns out it’s a nightmare for him by the end right. I mean Kramer’s like doing that, like rocking back and forth thing with a smile while he’s like chewing and nodding. Yes. He’s got like a lollipop in his mouth. Yeah.
Okay, I got it now. I count that. Yeah, I will count that. He’s been an actor on several occasions. And I think actor all gets rolled up into one but he had the woody allen movie. These pretzels are making me thirsty. He was Murphy Brown’s assistant, Steven Snell. And he auditions for Kramer in the Jerry pilot. Yeah. He had his movie treatment for the keys. Mm hmm. sells us records with new use records with new minette Bleecker Bob’s records. He is a soap opera standard with Mickey Coleman Santa Claus with Mickey as a self as a police lineman police lineup stand in Miss America coach ball man at the US Open. He’s the executive resale middleman to Rudy’s with Morty Seinfeld. Yeah. develops a movie phone 2.0 Mm hmm. drives a handsome cab for a while he organized Jewish singles mixer for some reason.
instrumental in developing the bro or the man’s ear, whichever you prefer. Man’s ear I’ve always been a man’s ear guy. I like the man’s ear better to be honest. Yeah, cuz the grow. Like if you just hear the bro without a context. That means nothing to you. But you hear man’s ear and like your brain can do the work. Yeah, yeah, you can be talking about any bro at any moment in any point of time. And but with the man zero, you go straight to zero. I get it. So we agree. Franco stanzas right here. Alex theater revival. He’s got the Michigan Bob Michigan bottle deposit scheme with Newman. The restaurant that only serves peanut butter and jelly that gets involved in some cockfighting. Uh huh. He’s a fireman for one outing. He’s a tobacco billboard model. Why wouldn’t he sorry to cut you off? Yeah, no, he have gone to he would have been arrested for the fire man thing, right. And the cockfighting and most likely everything that went down in the Michigan bottle deposit scheme. Yeah. I have been arrested a lot. Okay. There’s a lot that we just got to overlook that Kramer hasn’t it’s not just in jail for the rest of his life. By the end of the show, he is right and maybe that comes up after that. Now he’s in jail. They start pressing charges all scholarship that he did, yeah, spoiler alert. He sells his life stories to J Peterman and then also develops the peeterman reality tour. He imports Cubans, people to roll cigars
where the Cubans
are talking about people right.
develops. Go ahead.
Well, I’ll save it to the end. I just thought of one that we may have missed. All right. He tries to adopt the da Vinci system. method where you sleep for three hours at a time or sleep for 20 minutes every three hours. which apparently works if if you get past like the first month of doing it,
it says who who says that works?
I’ve read of dimensioning it. Yeah to Vinci. For one I’ve read, I’ve read at least one other person trying it and having success after you get past that first one. What What does what does success look like? In this case, just being more productive. You’re not a zombie. You’re not dying on top of your girlfriends. So she calls her mom, friend buddies and throws in the server. Okay, I guess that’s a clear indicator of success. Yeah. The revival of the Merv Griffin show. Yeah. Pretending to have diseases so that medical students could diagnose him. But see, that’s not a scheme. Isn’t that just the job?
You know, yeah, but
that’s not like a normal job.
Sure. Yeah, cuz I guess we have actors on there too. Right. That’s something I mean, being a model for tobacco billboards not Yeah, either. So these are like, Okay, I’m good. I’m good. I’m just, you know, playing devil’s advocate. We’re good. All right. Yeah. Okay. Sorry to be a stickler about that that’s why we’re going through a while before we actually get to picking we got to make sure we’ve got a solid list to pick from. He’s a seat filler at the Tonys, he works at h&h bagels again, that’s just a job but he bagels in on a bagel. He’s tested the banks Hello policy and try to get some money off of them there. He stays in the shower all the time to save time and therefore money. works at Brandt Leland. We don’t really know what his job is but he tcps nobody knows what his job is including him. He Newman import rickshaws into New York City and try and get the homeless to pull him around. He reinstitute America industries with the the schemes of the oil bladder system for
one of those oil tankers we test that out at play on and then their final idea for crane America industries before Darren goes away for a long time. It’s ketchup and mustard in the same bottle.
Darren’s going away for a long, long time. So those are the 39 I came up with. I’ve thought of seven. Oh my god. Some of these might you know some of these might be on the fence of where whether or not we consider them a scheme. Okay, so the first one is the Jon Voight bytemark because Jon Voight bites Kramer right at the window of the cab. And Kramer then uses that bite to compare it to the bite marks on the pencil found in George’s car. They go to the dentist top. Tim whiteleys party. So a lot of dentists there is that a scheme? It’s definitely a scheme. And I mean, it’s up there with something like Da Vinci sleep, right? Mm hmm. Yeah, cuz Yeah, you’re right. Yeah. Okay. And then the other one I thought of was kidnapping the dog with Newman and Elaine. That’s Yeah, yeah, definitely. That I think that’s gotta be in there. When he runs for condo president and Jerry’s parents condo, how did I miss that? Because that’s a scheme if I’ve ever seen one, right? That’s the one with the wizard calculator.
it does things.
Okay, for more here real quick. When he Gamble’s at the airport on the departures Oh yeah. With that text net rich Texas. The guy that buys the Cubans from him. Yes. Yep, same guy. What’s that guy’s name? Cuz he’s like you know trying to pull a fast one on old URL offered or something like that. Something like that. Yeah. All right. Three more. What do you refrigerates his own blood? Oh, yeah, blood. We’ll call that blood bank. Blood a home bank? Yeah. When he adopts a highway Yeah, and he does the lane. No, to let the lane widens the lanes Yeah, four lane highway becomes a two lane. Pleasure cruise or whatever. You know, I wanted to adopt the highway ever since I’ve seen that episode. cost a lot do that shit. You can. You can’t change lanes. You can’t change the lights though. Again, the Kramer would be absolutely arrested but I’ve always wanted to adopt a high like if I had enough money to be a philanthropist. I would be a kick ass philanthropist by the way. First thing I’d be doing adopting a highway. I just thought of another one while you’re talking so I have two more now. First one is karate class when he when he fights the kids in karate.
I don’t know that that’s a scheme.
I mean I yeah, I told you is on the fence. And this only one I think he does. This other one. I think you may also disqualified because it’s technically Georgia scheme but Kramer is instrumental in it and that is when they move the Frogger machine because doesn’t Kramer find all the guys? Yeah, it gets slippery Pete and he’s got the Tape. Right police tape. We’ll call it we’ll just say that’s the police tape for the Frogger machine. Okay. All right, I’m done. I’m not gonna add any more. So by my count, we have 4747. Yeah. Two, and we each have to pick five.
And we may we’ll put a Twitter poll out there at some point too, and see what the listeners think. Yeah, but damn, we should have done that in advance. Didn’t think
Yeah. Sorry. We’re sorry, listeners. Here’s what we do. We just make up the results now.
Put the Twitter poll tomorrow because yeah, released till Monday. And then we just rigged the election or sorry, rigged the Twitter poll to our liking. Exactly. We just create a bunch of burner accounts and vote for whichever one we pick. Seems like a great use of time.
People are out there doing stuff like that, man. Yeah. Okay, well, should we get started? Yeah, you get the first pick. Let’s Oh, that’s right. Okay. So so you make your pick? Explain what explain the scheme and a little bit more detail because we just kind of ran through them. And then why you picked it and would you go through it like if you were Kramer or if you knew Kramer, would you go through it with it? Or would you help him with it? Those will be the things we try and hit on each one.
And I’m going to reveal mine in reverse order from like, I’m going to save my absolute favorite for last of my five What if I What if I take it before you though? draft if I take Oh, it’s a draft I you know, okay, you’re right. You’re right. For the podcast about something listeners that don’t know Tennyson. Nick is not a sports guy. might not know how drafts work. You know what? He’s right. He’s right. Guilty. You know, do you watch Breaking Bad? I know you do.
Right? Oh, yeah.
When when one Walter White, puts his hands up and says got me. That’s me right now about not liking me. All right, well, then my Okay, so then I’m not. So now I’m not gonna do what I said. And I’m actually gonna go You’re my favorite. My my number one scheme. And I felt bad choosing it as number one because we don’t ever actually see it. It’s just an idea. He says, but he never does it. And that is the restaurant that only serves peanut butter and jelly. Because any any. He’s gonna call it PB and J’s. I think that is such an amazing idea. So here’s what it is. When the we don’t know much about it. Actually, what I just said is pretty much all it’s in the episode, I believe the DaVinci sleep episode. Because, yeah, it’s percolating. Yeah, he’s perfectly I think pinky and percolating. Jerry, this is one of this is how he’s proving that his mind is so much more free to come up with amazing ideas that he wouldn’t have otherwise. And he brings up the peanut butter and jelly restaurant. And Jerry says, Yeah, what are you gonna call it? He says pb&j just says it. So, so matter of factly. And then I think that’s the end of the scene. But I love the idea because it could work. Because there’s all kinds of first thing I thought of was mac and cheese restaurants are like a big thing now. And they’re, they’re becoming more and more popular. I would totally go to a pb&j restaurant because you can have it like it sounds like a silly idea at first. But when you think about it, you can have a million different kinds of Pb S and J, PB and J’s can have one that comes with banana cream, and another one Nutella, strawberries, like all kinds of stuff, different kinds of different
Mm hmm. Yeah. So I and also like, no one’s done this that I know of in the world. But if you come up with PB and J’s, and you can somehow get Kramer’s likeness involved in it. This is seriously an amazing idea. And I’m all in investing in it. PB ends you’ve heard it here first, tennis podcasts and a podcast about something joint venture. We’re going to open the first ever PB and J’s restaurant halfway between Florida and Oklahoma.
I’m in Nashville.
They’ve got they’ve got grilled cheese restaurants. Like he said they got the mac and cheese. Cheese. That’s a better exam. Absolutely no reason that there can’t be a PB and J’s. Why hasn’t there been do you think?
I don’t know.
Do you think it’s because Kramer mentioned it like now it’s too much of a joke. I mean, I don’t know. I’m a kid. You got the kids? You got the built in kids demographic already.
You can be vegan. You can be vegetarian. Yeah, you can do all kinds of stuff with PB n J’s. If anyone out there makes PB and J’s after listening to this, you fucking owe me
to at least get a finder’s fee. Exactly. That’s it’s a write off for you. Yeah. Or at least sign up for my fucking Patreon or something.
what’s yours? Oh, go ahead. I did not. I did not prioritize any of these in advance, and I probably should have, but I was like, I know enough about Seinfeld. I’ll figure it out. I’m gonna go with my first pick off the board is the beach perfume. No. Oh, that was a line. That’s a good idea.
The beach smells pretty good.
I’m kind of neutral on the beach smell itself personally, but I know people would like it. And I know that well. I’m stealing your thunder you go ahead and explain why.
Yeah, so so the beach perfume is a perfume that makes you smell like you just came from the beach. Jerry doesn’t like the idea he doesn’t think people want to smell or not Jerry, the Calvin Klein sales rep that he meets with doesn’t like he doesn’t think people want to smell like dead fish. But there’s a lot more smells going on at the beach. Oh, yeah. You got all these beach bars that you’re mixing with the ocean waves and beach sense are very big. No, here in Florida beach center everywhere. Everybody’s trying to get you on that beach. Then you go into a store. It smells like the beach. Kramer was just ahead of the time. He’s living with the polar bear club guys. He knows what’s going on. Yeah. And I like the idea i i wouldn’t wear because I don’t really wear any cologne. But I wouldn’t mind. Somebody I was dating or my wife or so. Like, I wouldn’t mind being around somebody wearing the beach perfume. There’s a lot of perfume smells. I can’t stand
hopefully you’re not dating while you’re gone. Yeah. But uh, just to clarify, but I you know, I remember when I first watched Seinfeld, when we you know, I’m fucking like nine years old or something. And I get to the desert to this episode with with Kramer’s idea. And I was thinking, well, surely that’s already a cologne. Like I was like, that has to be a clone already. Like I yeah, I’m still surprised that no one’s really ran with that. It’s a good idea.
So you started watching Seinfeld when you were actually a kid? I did. Yeah. Because I think from what I’ve gathered from just listening to you, I think we’re about the same age. Mm hmm. And I started at like 14 or 15. I want to say the reruns on TBS was when I picked it up.
Yeah. Do you remember how you were you just like flipping channels and you just like what made you even try it out?
My parents watched it. Like it during the original run. And then yeah, pretty much we just in the afternoons we just leave the TV on TBS, and whatever. Like it was that friend’s Seinfeld block that would play and we just watch all that.
Yeah, I started when I was nine. My mom watched it. And because I think so the show ended when I was eight going on nine. And so I didn’t watch it like right then. But I remember that I, I my mom taped the finale on VHS, and I taped over it on accident. And she was really upset about it. And that’s what made me first start asking about Seinfeld. And then she would watch it at the reruns overnight. I started so yeah, I’ve. And it’s interesting, because Seinfeld teaches a kid a lot about the world doesn’t really does. Yeah. It’s an interesting place to learn about the world. And it’s definitely affected my personality and how I interact with people. Of course, yeah, they’re the worst. There’s people, they’re the worst. But that but Seinfeld is the best show in the history of television. And it’s one of many reasons is because there’s a Seinfeld scenario, or quote, or something that fits every part of daily life.
Oh, absolutely. Like I had to. When I was in college, I tried to do like one of those Tumblr blogs where like, I would just, I’d find something that happened in life and compare it to what happened in Seinfeld, and just be like, this is exactly. I didn’t put any time and effort into it, though. So it didn’t actually happen. But like, that was my thought. And now it would exist as a Twitter account, it would be great as a Twitter account, and I’m sure something like that exists.
We’re giving people so many good ideas on this episode today. I mean, they should be paying less to listen to this. They really should be. But yeah, so yeah, Seinfeld that that’s, it’s the most relatable show there is. And it just 20 times a day, something will happen in my life. And I’m like, oh, there’s a Seinfeld episode about that or something. So it’s great. relatability
hasn’t gone away, even though it’s almost 30 years, like it’s over 30 years that it was first on the relatability hasn’t really gone away. Because the everyday situation is sure like something like the phone message episode where George’s got to switch out the tape. That’s not going to happen. But there are still situations where you leave a bad message on somebody’s phone or you send a text to the wrong person. You gotta like try and get it back or make sure they don’t look at their fault. Like,
the technology has changed. But the scenarios or the scenario is still the same. You still fuck up in generally the same ways? Yeah, yeah. I’m with you, man. It’s gonna be okay. So, did you have anything else on the beach perfume?
Would you like it? Oh, yeah. If
I was in a position to invest in perfume, I if I was the Calvin Klein sales rep, I’d be like, you know what, we’re gonna give you a shot. Somebody mark this red. I was gonna pick it. Yeah, I’d invest in it, too. It’s a good idea. I still think it’s a good idea. And that’s kind of got to exist at this point. Yeah, yeah. There may have been like a novelty one. But I don’t know if it’s like a regular like, you could go to the store now and find it, but maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. I’m not a big cologne guy. Would you visit PB and J’s with Kramer’s face on it before after you put on the Cologne with Kramer’s face on it? You got to do it after because if you do it, because if you do it before the smells all good. To be, you know, overcome and overwhelmed by all the peanut butter and jelly smells in the store. That’s fair. Yeah.
I just thought of another one. Let’s get to an even 50 by the end of this. cafe lattes, cafe lattes that all the world cafe lattes, you can. Yeah. Because he chose that instead of the money.
I guess. Yeah,
it’s an option.
It’s an option. Yeah. Um, that 250 by the end of this? Yeah, we’re 48 right now. So I have a book. The Seinfeld reference, the complete encyclopedia that I looked up, there’s a page specifically it’s page 126 of all Kramer schemes, and that was only about 30 out of the original 39 I hadn’t the others I had to kind of think of, and then we’re still coming up with more so. Yeah. Well, and there’s a reason they didn’t know as much as we do.
Know. There’s very few in the world that do. But you know, there’s even stuff that is kind of like, because think about it like hot tub in the apartment. That could be considered kind of a scheme or a list or when he has the Japanese tourists sleeping in his dresser in the dresser drawers.
I’m putting the the hot tub and fake wood wallpaper. Oh, the fake one. Yeah, one thing. Okay, let me get my next pick. Yeah, so I’m, I’m doing my pics based on like what I think are actual legit good ideas, not what I think are like the funniest. That’s another way to do it. But I’m going with I think I’m gonna get a good mix of both. Yeah, that’s what I’m going for. Well, naturally. Okay, so my next one. This is maybe one of the more famous ones. So I hate to be that guy. But I’m gonna choose it. The coffee table book about coffee tables? Yeah, gotta have it. That probably should have been a first round pick. Yeah. And, you know, on the surface, and in the show. It sounds so stupid. Right. Elaine doesn’t even want to pitch it to her boss. And Kramer ends at Pitt. So here’s the idea. Kramer it’s the episode where George lives with his parents. Well, there’s lots of those episodes, but it’s it’s in that season. I think I want to say like season five, maybe six? Five. Okay, thank you Mr. know it all. At the end of season five. George starts doing the opposite. And he gets an apartment and a good job. Yes, yeah. See, I was close though. Yeah, no, you said five or six, clarifying for the listeners. Okay, and so George. Sorry. Let me start over. Jerry puts a drink on George’s parents coffee table. And that becomes a coffee table stain on it. That leads to all this stuff with George and his storyline. But at that moment, Kramer says, What about a coffee table book about coffee tables? And then he gets on the subway with Elaine and they’re driving and he’s telling Elaine all the ideas and Elaine’s just like Sure, sure and he’s like you’re gonna tell your boss about it. Right? She’s like, sure. And she never does because it’s stupid. And then Kramer runs into her boss with the cigar store Indian. There you go. Yep. And then that’s when the that’s when you pitch the idea to becomes a real book. Kramer goes on the Regis and Kathie show. What throws up or spits up the coffee? I don’t think it was. So I think improper drinks on those shows sometimes. So I think that’s probably what it was is he got a proper drink and wasn’t aware of it. That’s it all over Regis and Kathie he didn’t get to go on Sonia live. I you know, I never made that connection that it was a
that’s what I think it I might be wrong. On that
note, I thought it was hot. Gotta make sense, because that’s what Cramer would do. Anyway. I love that part where it’s just like so out of left field. And if you don’t have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table. Yeah, it has little legs on it. And the crowd the crowd in the live studio audience of the readers of Capitol Hill love that. It’s a great little thing. And you know, at first thought you’re thinking that is such a dumb book Who would ever buy that but the reason I think it’s a good idea is something Kramer said on the subway to Elaine, he said that you can have celebrities and their coffee tables. And that made me think this is just kind of a mini MTV Cribs type thing, right? There’s so many dumb coffee table books or like, you know, Us Weekly or whatever, where there’s just random crap about celebrities in it. Why not a coffee table book? I think people would it’s just an excuse to see into celebrities homes. And then you can have the history of coffee tables, like the first coffee table. There’s all kinds of good stuff. So anyway, long story shorter. Yep. I’m picking coffee table book and I would invest in it.
Absolutely. I agree with you. It did exist. The coffee table book about coffee tables when they first released so this was in mid 2000s. I want to say like, oh 607 ish. They released the whole series on DVD. Yeah, our first like going big into like, Let’s release full series. on DVD box sets, they included a coffee table with the little legs. It was a smaller version of it. But they included that in with the box set. I don’t know if it remember that was actually a book or not or if it was just like kind of a prop book for the sake of having it.
I wasn’t. I could be misremembering, but was it may be that the box set itself was the, you know, quote, coffee table book. Like it had the legs on it? Yeah, it Yeah, that’s something something had legs. Unlike this fucking show, right? Just kidding. All right, well, I’m done. So what’s your second pick? My second pick is the
was out before I know you’re gonna end up picking one of mine because you were thinking we’re, we’re on the same wavelength here. I think I want to go with the Miss America coach. Okay. I wouldn’t have chose that one. He did a good job of coaching Miss America. He did. And he took it very seriously. should be commended for that.
Yeah. And I think he could have had a career had this contestant pigeons not died, or does not died. I think he could have had a career in coaching these Miss America women once he leaves with the final, you know? Yeah. And I had a theory at one point. I espouse This is one of our previous episodes, maybe the festivus episode, where I’m not sure that Kramer didn’t kill the ducks himself.
Remind me when I wasn’t
actually Jerry because so Jerry dumps the water because the the dough hose downstairs, they’re down lying all around making all kinds of noise and Jerry’s dump. Jerry dumps the water down. Yeah. Now, have you ever stayed in a hotel with a balcony? Yeah, probably. Have you ever gone out on that balcony and been able to dump water onto something on a floor below? You know? So that’s where this stands. Right? is there’s no way that Jerry dumped that water on those dogs and even if he had dogs can get wet. Their flowers in the rain all the time? Yeah. How do these dogs getting wet kill them?
Well, so was it ice water? Yeah. And maybe it like spooked them and they bumped their head into the side of the cage maybe. So my theory is that Kramer actually killed the doves and blamed it on Jerry. So one to get her to her focus off of Jerry now that she hates him for killing the dogs. And also, they’re in Atlantic City. Kramer’s got a bit of gambling problem. He very he knew she was gonna win with those doves. He bet against her bet big against her and made sure she didn’t win without the dose.
So he goes and kills him in the middle of the night. You you. Okay, you’re stretching a little bit? I mean, stretching for them and Jerry killing the dose. The logic is all there. But are we not supposed to? I mean, I don’t know. It’s not like a Scorsese film or something. You know? I think it’s like no, but it is. Yeah, maybe I’m maybe I’m underselling it. That’s fair.
Yeah, I never thought of that.
I think Kramer killed the Duff’s. Do you know what my favorite thing? This is kind of off topic, but you reminded me of it. My favorite aspect of Kramer. My favorite underrated aspect of Kramer is how he is such a friend. Like he’s a loyal sidekick, right? Yes. I’m much more loyal than my sidekick coast. Am I right? But basically, and I by that, I mean, like, there’s all kinds of scenes and examples where, like, I want to sit. Where is Jerry going? He says something like, I’m going to go pick up George’s car. Yeah, you want to come? Yeah, exactly. Like Yeah, yeah, exactly. that’s a that’s a good example. There’s lots of those were Kramer’s just in or when a lame whatever he wants to learn, wants to buy the armoire on the street. And she asked Kramer to watch it for so he does. He goes and he he goes into Jerry’s apartments look at the pillow and say, yeah, and then Lee helps
kidnap a dog. Yeah, exactly. Human with the bottle deposit scheme like that. Yeah, it’s time and time again. He’s pretty even early on, when George and Kramer aren’t very good friends yet. And you know, George gets the busboy fired Kramer’s right. They’re going over there with him help and look for the cat when he gets out all that good stuff.
But at the same time, so we’ve established he’s a loyal sidekick friend. At the same time, though, he will sell you down the river. Before you know it, he will. Like what’s an example of that? Like Jerry asked him if he killed somebody would. Yeah, Cramer tournament. He says he absolutely would. Yeah. And there’s other examples, too. I’ll probably think of them as we keep going. But he sells out Darren in the oil bladder scheme, right. Yeah. And he will. There’s something with Bob Sacramento. Anyway, this is bad radio, so I’ll move on. But he he has both sides of them to that. Like he’s loyal. But he’s also like out for himself at all times. But he’s a survivor. He is survivor. He’s always getting stuff done. I thought of five more schemes. The pig man.
so that, but he steals the pig man. He does steal the pig man who’s just a ugly man. Huh? We’ll add it to the list.
Don’t want you to be mad at me.
We’re just gonna, we’re gonna have a scheme for every episode. By the end of this. There’s the ass man license plate, which is not a scheme, but he does use it to pretend he’s a proctologist. Yeah, but that wasn’t his scheme, but the scheme was thrust upon him and he took it upon himself. There’s the wheelchair, doesn’t he by its early on, when he gets that wheelchair. It’s effective. Yeah, I just watched that one last night when they parked in a handicapped spot. And then he gets the wheelchair for the lady. Cougar 9000. There’s the butter shave. Yeah, that’s definitely a scheme. And my last one is the meat slicer. Because he pretends to be Dr. Von Nester. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So he the meat slicer slash Dr. van no strand because he’s wearing a jacket. It’s all he needed. Yeah. We got to do ga schemes next because like that, that’s all part of ga scheme. Yeah, George has had some schemes to George’s are a lot. George’s are a little more evil. Yeah. And like potentially hurting other people and doesn’t give a shit. Yeah.
But Alright, so let’s go
with your third pick. Okay, so my third pick, I hate to do another food one. But I’m going to, and that is a pizza place where you make your own pie. Yeah, I was holding out for that one. That’s a good one. Because like PB and J’s. I like when you first hear it, you think, oh, that’s stupid. And Jerry thinks it’s stupid. But when you start thinking about it more, it’s a good idea. There’s make your own style at the faze sub shops. We all customize our own pizza Anyway, when you order it. And it could be a fun like I pictured like, you know, kids having birthday parties there and shit like that. So I’m not as into it as I am pb&j pB and J’s is like 10 out of 1010 out of 10 ish idea. But the but I still like the pizza place where you make your own pie. Yeah, I like that, too. When we were kids, when the whole bucket thing was going on with Pizza Hut. Yeah, we had
a Pizza Hut near our school. And we we like walked up there for a field trip one day, and we got to make our own pies like the little personal pans. And it was fun, like you said, Good for kids birthdays, things like that. It was a fun thing to do. I don’t think it’s a good COVID business idea. Well,
you’re right. Can’t have people touching all the ingredients during COVID. But you know, but they do anyway. How is that? I mean, I’m not disagreeing. But I’m to play devil’s advocate. How is it that much different than, you know, the 17 year old snot nosed teenager in Pizza Hut? You know, not washing his hands between? Because it’s a 17 year old rather than 117 year olds? Yeah. I guess you’re right. Right. But I think you’d have to wear gloves. Yeah, absolutely. So so. So that’s where he lose people though. Just like these people won’t wear masks. They’re going in there and they’re saying I’m not wearing you can’t make me wear gloves while I touch everybody’s ingredients. God bless America. Well, this one actually worked for him for a minute. No, he went in with Poppy and then Elaine ruined poppies with her abortion talk but it never got off the ground did it like he would not be had like they had like a verbal understanding they were gonna do it and he was testing the concept that poppies restaurant. Oh, that’s right. And then they had the whole abortion allegory argument about when the pizza is a pizza. And that’s so fucking funny though. That’s so brilliant. Like it
really is. That was one I never picked up so the guys that have done other Seinfeld episodes with me over at the dunk tank. They’ve done a couple Seinfeld’s on their podcast. And they they were the first one that pointed that out that made it dawned on me that like that’s the same conversation as well. It’s not a pizza until you put it in the oven. Oh, it’s a pizza The minute you put your fingers in the dough, and I’m like, so they pointed out I’m like, No shit. Of course it is.
Yeah, no, I didn’t care about abortion. Yeah, cuz that’s the same one where Elaine’s dating the mover. Right that moves the couch and poppy peas on the couch. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think Kramer Kramer thought it was Pizza. Not a pizza until you put it in. Take it out of the oven right out of the oven. Yeah. Okay. Right. So he would be pro choice. Correct? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Poppy was very pro life that’s got Elena Jerry kicked out of the restaurant. Yeah. All right. Well, there you go. That’s my What am I in our own pies? That and pb&j is like can be like side by side restaurants. If they were side by side. Which one would you go to first? If you could only let’s say you could only go to one. I’d go to the pizza place because I like pizza better than pb&j. Hmm. I would I would go to the pizza place while my kids went and got a pb&j over a pb&j. Yeah,
but the kids would like to make their own pizza too. Well, so I got one kid that likes peanut butter and jelly and one kid that doesn’t.
So your kid doesn’t like peanut butter and jelly. She just hasn’t had she’s four. She hasn’t had it yet. Okay, well, that hesitant to try different foods. Yeah, because it’s a it’s like that in Big Daddy, the Adam Sandler movie when the homeless guy is in the courtroom. And he says, I mean, this is America. If you don’t like spaghetti and meatballs, just get the hell out. And that’s that’s how I feel about peanut butter and jelly. Yeah. That’s fair. No offense to your for your daughter, but she hasn’t tried. She hasn’t tried it. So she’s excused. And if you’re allergic, I get that too, obviously. Right. All right. So what’s your next choice? It’s not the periscope for your car.
gonna go with the Kramer portrait. Oh, yeah, I thought about that. Yeah, I’m curious. Yeah. What’s your reasoning for that? I just like the idea. I like the idea that someone not only painted this, not only thought Cramer is interesting enough to just paint like a presidential portrait of him. But then also this couple this swanky couple comes in and buys it. Yeah. Because loads some offensive yet I can’t completely didn’t see eye to eye on him either. And then they invite him over and they go through his life story and all that’s great. But the second reason is because I owned a Kramer and Yes, I got it was like $1 99 poster or whatever, my wife got it for me. And I had to, I had it in a shitty frame for a while and then the frame broken, I never put it back up. But when we were selling our first house, and it was up in my office, our realtor told us like when they’re doing an open house or showing or something like people would go in there and like take pictures next to the Kramer so like it’s a thing. And it’s a thing that has transcended the show in many ways that you know, people have seen the cry that T shirt with the Kramer on that I got from Old Navy one time. So like it’s, it’s out there in the world. So I think that’s why I like this idea so much is because it’s such a stupid thing that he does that makes no sense whatsoever. And the woman who painted it is stupid for painting it
and completely irrelevant to the show to the left of the woman. Right. But at the same time, it’s it still exists. Like it’s still a thing out there today. So it worked. Right? Yeah. It’s incredible. That’s why I think the Kramer is a good pick here. That is a good pick. No, I’m, I’m with you on all that it’s iconic. You know that that’s what I was looking for. There’s a question that comes to mind for me. You know, we’re sitting here in 2021. We’re recording this in February 2021. year of our Lord. And there’s
do you think?
let me figure out how to phrase this question.
Do you think more do you think?
Sorry, I’m struggling to articulate this. Do you think more or less than 50% of people over the age of 18 have seen one or more episodes of Seinfeld. In the world over the age 18? Yeah, more. I guess that’s true, because there’s a lot more people that were around 18 to 30. Yeah, that’s when you’re looking at the 5050 split because that’s
the regular host guest host or regular co host Nick lesson is Yes, yeah, but the lesser neck for for today’s purposes. He is seven years younger than I am. And he has seen a couple episodes in passing. He’s never sat down and watched it he we did a we called it a cultural impact episode where I just asked him all these random questions from Seinfeld to kind of see what’s permeated throughout the world of people who haven’t seen it. I kind of was he was like, wait, yeah, it Yeah, it’s like Episode 114 ish. I want to say it wasn’t too long ago. Okay. But yeah, because we did a Dragonball Z one first, cuz he’s a big Dragonball Z fan. I’ve never seen it, or read it, or have anything to do with it. And so then we did Seinfeld. And he had a hard time getting some of the answers, which I thought were easy questions. And maybe they weren’t, maybe they weren’t. I don’t know. I’m too engrained in Seinfeld in my everyday life. So I don’t I think the generation just below us like probably three years younger than us is like the cutoff of where that block of Seinfeld wasn’t on TBS. In the afternoon for those people and they just didn’t watch it,
or Well, not even that man, it’s like what you said is true. But in addition, the generation app the younger than us, they didn’t, they didn’t watch like afternoon TV. You know what I mean? They didn’t have the TV on like we did watching reruns of shit, everything they watch. And same with you and I today, but everything they watched growing up was on demand. Right? They could they could find anything they wanted whenever they want. And so why are they going to go back and watch this show? That’s 20 years old. Right? And yeah, and because so much of the shows I discovered as a child was from flipping through the channels. Yeah, it’s just on, you got your 30 channels or whatever. And you just pick what’s on? Yeah. And that’s why you know, interests are so much more fragmented segmented today, because everything’s on demand. No, there’s not any Well, there is still but there’s fewer things that everybody’s seen, or, yeah, you have
no reason to go experience something. If you don’t feel like it’s something you’re not gonna like, there’s no point, right? Whereas when when we were teenagers, because I think that’s when a lot of people get into the things that they kind of latch on to is when they’re teenagers, when they start forming their own opinions, their will, when we were teenagers, you had what was on TV, and you had to watch that or you had whatever video game system was in your house. And that’s what you had to play. Now you everybody has a phone or a tablet, you can download literally any game you want. Same with TV, you can go on demand, look at whatever you want. Once you’re done with the cartoon phase, you’re just gonna go look at the things you already like, at that point, or what your friends like you’re not you’re not gonna stumble upon Seinfeld, randomly.
No. And our generation, you know, your early 30s. Right. 3031 32. Yeah, somewhere in there. Yeah. That is, I think we have to be the last generation to have experienced that. Because of just randomly stumbling upon. Yeah. Because every generation after us, like, like you said, maybe went three to five years younger than us. That and younger, those people. Yeah, so we like barely missed that cutoff. But I’m glad we did. Because it I feel like, yeah, it’s almost. Yeah, I feel like and because of that, I’m willing to experience other things that may not be in my wheelhouse still, like, I’ll
go watch something that is not and i and i still, I think a lot of people younger than us, and even our age are going away from the network sitcoms, and they’re not very good for the most part. But I still give those a try still sometimes, because something like The Good Place comes up, and it’s really good. And then there’s a million shows that are bad. Yeah, and I just don’t think people younger than us are trying those things. Unless it becomes this phenomenon, like Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad where everybody has seen it,
right? And those things are usually on premium channels or premium subscription services. And but you’re right, it’s it’s, people aren’t going to give those things a chance until the day become a life of their own, like Game of Thrones, or Breaking Bad even cause Breaking Bad. That came around. You know, I was in my early 20s when that started. And or even before that, maybe, anyway, that that started on, you know, a cable network AMC. And it wasn’t even that popular until the final season. Right. And then I mean, we’re way off track here. But that’s but that’s last season is like I remember it being the hugest thing ever. I was 2012 2013 ish. And I think it started an Oaten ended 13 I think you’re right, because I was looking not too long ago, because I’m a fucking nerd, and I do this shit. It’s what led me to create the tennis podcast, but I was looking at like the TV viewership for breaking bad. Like on live cable television, how many people were actually sitting down watching it as it aired? It was like, you know, two or 3 million at most, maybe even less than two. But now, like, if you add in like Netflix and shit, I’ll bet I don’t know. 100 million or more. I mean, I’m just ballparking it but like, it got this whole second life from Well, yeah,
you see with that, and you see it with something like the office, right? That office, everybody. Everybody’s crying because the office went off Netflix. It’s like, Okay, well, I’ve had the DVDs forever. And so that was anything with the kids younger than us is. If if it wasn’t on demand, you could go get the DVDs very easily, but they didn’t. When we were kids. They didn’t have box sets of like, I couldn’t just go buy a VHS set or even a DVD set of Seinfeld. That didn’t start coming out till I was in college. I started scooping them up once I was in college, obviously by season. Yeah, and but now it’s everything you get literally anytime you want. Dude,
what are we doing? We’re talking? Yeah, we’re sitting here talking like a couple of Brandon’s kids these days you pick and you just keep going off on other ships do I? Oh shit. Is it my turn? Okay. Well, hmm. This was not going to be one of my top picks, but since you’ve took one or two of mine, I’m gonna I mention it. I was saving this one as an honorable mention, but I’ll mention it. Staying in the shower all the time.
That’s when you have
a pure humor pick right there. Yes, that is not a practical pick. This is the one where it’s late. It’s got a mining bee season nine. It’s at least season eight if not nine. I think it’s a I have it in.
No, I haven’t a nine.
Okay. Nine is the best season by the way. Seven, but okay.
six or seven. I’m of the opinion that each season gets better. So like, to me the best seasons nine. The second best is eight. The third best is seven. But anyway. We’re in agreement at the early seasons while good, like can’t touch the later seasons, right? Yeah. So I think six is the most quintessentially Seinfeld season. Yeah, no, I could. I could agree with that. So when we did that cultural impact episode, Nick asked, Okay, I’m gonna watch for season Seinfeld. What should I do? I said six. First. I said six then seven, four, and either five or eight. Mm hmm. But in that order, I think you get I think if you go in at six, you get the best idea of who the characters are the fastest. That’s that’s a great way to put it. I agree with that too. But you also reminded me of another scheme we missed. Which is season nine, when Kramer and Jerry switch apartments and Kramer tries to get the the chicken roaster Yeah, canceled. But I’m not going to go on a side point on that because I’m mid point making my deck which is the shower. And that is where it’s the germaphobe episode. So Elaine’s having a germaphobe kind of rivalry with Tegan, Peggy Thank you at her office. And dirt, you know, to the side of that Cramer storyline in that episode is that he starts spending all of his time in the shower. He takes his phone calls in the shower. He cooks food in the shower. I think he gets a shower. Yeah, that’s it. As I go, that’s a garbage disposal. Yeah. Anyway, I picked this one not because it’s like a money making idea like PB and J’s. But because I fucking love the shower. If I could stay in the shower all the time. I would the shower. You tell me if this is anything like oh, no, I’m I’m right with you here. Okay. Because you know, you and I both have small kids. I have two kids. And you know, and I work from home too, even before COVID Yeah, and Same here. The only time I’m really alone in my life is when I’m in the shower. And the showers like where I go to and I you know because I work from home this is maybe TMI whatever but because I work from home I never shower in the morning no shower. Yeah, I shower either like midday or at the end of the day. And so that’s kind of my way to decompress from the day in any way I take long showers and so yeah, just the idea of being in a hot steamy shower for all day sounds great.
Yeah, no I’m right there with you. I I’m in the same boat I was working from home before I got to be alone locks I was the only one here during the day my kids were in school. My wife was at work and now my kids are back in school now. But my wife’s still here all day so like for a while the walls were closing it Yeah, it’s just like had the run of the house for all day every day and that’s gone now. But yeah, those showers like I’d go for a bike ride or something come back at that mid afternoon shower just right before bed It is very it’s just nice to be alone with your thoughts and every like you just like you said you get to decompress. And Kramer’s got it right. I don’t know about cooking in the shower, but everything else I’m there for it.
Yeah. with you. By the way, another scheme, the showerheads. Oh yeah, I use it for elephants. We’re not gonna pick any of these ones that are way down here. No, I just feel like yeah, as a completionist. I have to mention. Yeah, no, I agree. When I’m ready for next pick. My next pick is the selling his life stories to J Peterman for $750 and then starting the peeterman reality tour. Can I can I include those together? Yes. Okay.
They’re there. Yeah,
I love the pants story. The Fairy pants I was returning.
yeah. Elaine is hired to go straight her boss’s j Peter mins memoirs, and Jerry wants somebody goes read it for him when it comes out. But j pyramids life is very boring because he tells all this good stories in the J Peterman catalog, which is a thing that exists in real life, not just in Seinfeld. And so she realizes this is all boring. And then for some reason, Peterson meats Kramer. Oh no, that’s right. Yes, Van Buren boys episode and Kramer had just told her the story about the Van Buren boys and he wanted to order pizza from the VB boys, wherever it was that Lorenzo’s Van Zandt? Yeah. And so she tells Peterman the story of Kramer running into the VB boys that Lorenzo’s and that’s when he says that’s a good story put it in the book so then they have to go buy all of Kramer stories from Kramer because they’re much more interesting than Peter mins actual stories.
Ah, yeah, that sounds right. Yeah, cuz he’d never met Kramer before that. Oh, yeah. Yeah,
he pays him $750 for the rights to Cramer’s life stories. Cramer is no longer allowed to tell these stories in passing, which I think he’d still be able to tell them as long as not making money off them. He could still tell them.
Yeah, it depends on the terms of the contract, but you’re missing you skipped over one of the best parts. What’s that? Let’s see if I can get the quote. So So Peterman and Kramer meet in Peterson’s office, and can’t remember the exact wording of the quote, but you know, Peterson says something like you know, what is what are your life stories worth to you? And Kramer says something like, you know, there won’t make me me or something like that, you know, basically implying there’s no price high enough to get me to sell the right words. And then Peterman says I have a $750 sound and Kramer just jumps up and says, john Kramer is always quick to make a deal. Yeah. So yeah, so currently can’t tell the stories by some stories from New men about Newman’s Bunyan’s are not very good. So really only nets $742 out of this whole thing. He bought some Bunyan stories from Newman. I think he only bought that category to Bunyan stories.
So, uh, Elaine starts she she Elaine doesn’t like Cramer stories because they’re stupid. Like he tells the pants story where he’s on the phone Bob Sacramento, and then he realizes he needs to return his pants and he steps in a muddy puddles show like that is too boring right so she livens it up with some extravagant you know, tail and Peterman doesn’t like that either. He makes her go back to the original story so Peterman thinks that Elaine’s coming up with all these original stories which are actually Kramer stories, so Peterman calls Kramer and tells him he can have his stories back even though he is actually using Kramer stories. So in the book finally comes out later and Kramer LA and tells Kramer that they actually had to use Kramer stories. And so now Kramer wants to capitalize on this. So he starts the peeterman reality bus tour, drives around New York City and shows people the real places that his real escapades happen, that are Peterson’s fake escapades
that people think are Peterson’s real escapades. And the beauty of the bus tour, the reality bus tour, is that coincides with another scheme from Elaine to get rid of the muffin tops tops. Yes, that’s man, you know, that’s got to be a top 10 episode for me. And it’s got a double scheme from Jerry and George, because that’s the episode where they’re going to the tone. No, that’s not the one where they’re going to the Tonys.
No. That’s the one where
I caught it was where he was dating the girl Jerry shaves his chest. Oh, that’s right. Yeah. And he turns into a werewolf at the end. Yeah. That’s a good one. There’s a lot going on. That’s a great episode. It’s a good pick.
And it’s based on so Kenny Kramer, the basis for Cosmo Kramer did the same thing. He created a Kramer reality tour in New York City where he took people through his real life that Kramer played upon in the show.
Yeah. I remember being in New York for the first time when I was a teenager and seeing because, you know, I would mean my family would go to like the famous Seinfeld sites, right? Like you go to the restaurant. And I think we went to the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building. We need Tom’s restaurant. Right, exactly. And anyway, when you go to those places, there were like, flyers nearby for the real Cramer. You know, I don’t remember what he called it, but basically the equivalent of the reality bus tour. So I never did it though. I don’t know that it’d be that much fun. I mean, you’d get a pizza bagel and a mini Three Musketeers. And I love the little cheery music he plays. Between stops. Fuck. And I thought two more schemes. Oh, boy. You’re getting sick of my schemes. But I love it when he puts his clothes in the oven. Yep. Clothes drying in the oven. Gotta mention that. And this is the same episode. How does this go? Because he has all the coins member? Yeah. What does he he just he just empties out his his coin like cuz he’s. Well,
he started out doing it in the dryer. So he changes all his bills to coins so he can go to the dryer or he just scratches up all his coins but then always left with his pennies, because he can’t use those in the dryer. And that’s when he starts using the oven because he’s out of quarters and then he goes to the kill zone place to dine with the pennies. Yeah.
Alright, so that’s that I’m not gonna choose either of those. Oh, you didn’t say the other one was that the the coins was the other one. Oh, I was saying the coins is a separate same episode but separate scheme, but I could understand not including that. Yeah.
I don’t think that’s a full scheme. So I’m gonna take that off. All right, I’m gonna I’ll have to publish this whole list like in the show notes or something. That’s a Yeah, that’s a good idea. So it’s my turn, right? Yeah, this is your final pick my final pick shit.
I almost don’t want to pick this one. Because it’s too like, Oh, this is what everyone would pick. But it is a good idea. It’s the bro it’s the man’s ear. I think I got to pick that. It’s a good if for nothing else. For nothing else. It gives us the scene of you know the like polka Music Playing or whatever. Well, cha cha. Cha Cha music while Kramer is putting the bro. Frank and I still walks in and goes that alone makes it up. But the bro man’s you I actually think it’s a good idea. And it’s because I the way I think about it is it’s like adult diapers. No one wants to admit they need one. No one wants to admit they’re wearing one. But there’s a market for it. There’s a need for adult diapers sell. And I think the bro would sell. There are some hefty fellas out there. But yeah, it’s a little extra support.
Yeah, that’s it. The man’s ear. Man. I would go with man’s ear. Yeah, well, Kramer called it the bro. So for the sake of this, we have to go with the bro.
You’re right. You’re right. Shame on and I agree that man’s ear is the better name. So for my final pick. This is a personal favorite one of my favorite episodes. It’s the recreation of the Merv Griffin show.
Yeah. Yeah, I didn’t go I do love that one. I didn’t go with it just because I felt like there’s no like scheme to it. Right? He’s not trying to get rich. He’s not trying to he’s just doing it for his own personal enjoyment. Is that any different than us starting podcasts? Hey, hey, now listen. Getting a little aggressive on me. There’s no money in it. There’s no scheme to it. It’s just getting up there talking about as long as you don’t replace them with a guest host in new minutes. Fine. You know, we’ve all tried the random one off episode scandals and animals the reformatting.
And we go to break and then drink a Diet Coke. He goes to break it Lane’s sitting right there. He turns on music eats like two chips takes a drink. Bar. We’re
So stupid. I like that. And I like a lane like Kramer. What the hell are you doing? You’re reading cue cards for a while. He just like loses it and goes. So one character that he asks. He asked a lane. Or he asked GEORGE Well, so you and Jerry used to data here after he gets up and leaves. Cuz he’s in the wrong seat. Wrong. Cue car. Oh, gosh, sorry. I love what he has the guest animal guy on. Yeah. And he’s like, Where’s the cameras? Yeah. It’s just it’s one of my favorites just to watch because there’s so much fun stuff. Jerry dates The Girl with the toy collection as as myself of someone who has a massive toy collection. And that’s really fun to watch. Yeah, I did. George runs over the squirrel the squirrel with the tiny instruments. Yeah, that classic George Episode Two of just like he can’t do anything. Right. And he has to deal with the pigeons. We have a deal. Man, there’s a lot of good stuff in that episode. What is Elaine doing in there? Oh, that’s the Elio Seidler
right the Tic Tac right?
Correct. Yeah, and the wrestling shoes and guy keeps taking credit for work, which is blue fireman Rob Schneider. Know Rob Schneider is the guy at the hearing aid. You’re right who okay all the saddlers The guy with like the big smile, and he likes the Mickey Mouse gum. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And they start making those years ago. Think I can help you stinky. Man, you’re right. I mean, as far as like, notable quality shit for every character, all the main four characters and even got Newman in there. too. Yep. Got some good stuff that’s got to be. Yeah. sidekick, his Andy Richter, if you will.
Yeah. Where’s Brandon? The sidekick host, whichever. Yeah. Brian is not quite as charismatic though, Newman. Yeah, I think as far as like, as far as overall opposites go Merv Griffin has got to be in the top few.
It’s definitely one of my favorites. Season nine, which you couldn’t stop talking earlier season. Talking? I’m perfectly fine with season nine. The problem with season nine is it gets a little too far outside of reality sometimes. Right? Kind of like the parks and rec to the office. Yeah. Yeah,
there’s always the feeling and Seinfeld were like, okay, people wouldn’t really act this way. But then, like, you see some of these things with Larry David and how George personified him. And it’s like, no, he, these were things that happen. But I feel like season nine is even further removed from that. It’s still funny. Yeah, tonic. You.
You make it. I agree with you. I agree with you. I think it’s on season eight and nine. are a little more out there. But I think the reason they’re my favorites is I probably had more laugh out loud moments in those seasons. I agree with that. Yeah. Like when Kramer cooks himself on the roof and butter. And he looks up at Jerry and says put a fork in me Jerry. I’ve done
fucking kills me every time. Yeah, so along that same like season six kind of sticks in my mind, because that was the first DVD I bought, or like the DVD set I bought with season six. So freshman year of college, it was the only thing I watched, like falling asleep or whatever. And then since then I bought all the other DVD sets. And you know, now I have them digitally. And it’s still what I watch to fall asleep every night. I’ve conditioned myself over the past 15 years to fall asleep to Seinfeld.
Yeah. I mean, I don’t do it every night, but often. Yeah. And there was a time in my life where I did do it every night.
There There are times when or probably not anymore because I don’t just sit flipping through the channels but like in college if I would sit and flip through the channels and Seinfeld would be on and I’d stop on it. I wouldn’t be tired, but I would fall asleep. Because I was just like I had conditioned myself. You have logged dog herself into a Seinfeld and didn’t.
Yeah, boom, I’m out. Man.
Let’s talk some honorable mentions. What? What do we need to go a little deeper into that we didn’t get to pick. Huh? I already kind of talked about the butter shave just a second ago. Yep. I think that’s a good one. I think the chicken roaster is probably one of my favorites because it does turn into a scheme doesn’t start as a scheme but Jerry and George. There’s a new chicken restaurant right across the street from Kramer’s apartment window. And they it has a big huge red light, like on the sign and and it permeates into Kramer’s apartment Can’t he can’t sleep and all that. So, Jerry I don’t even remember why Jerry offers to trade him
apart. He meets his friend Seth on the street who works at like some big bank. Yeah. And he talks him into going having lunch with him right? He gets fired and he gets fired and he has to take job as the assistant manager at Kenny Rogers chicken roaster. So Jerry like Kramer’s trying to get the chicken restaurant shut down. And Jerry doesn’t want to let him do it until his friend Seth finds a new job.
Oh, that’s right. And so in order to get Kramer to chill, he switches him apartments temporarily. And then they both start taking the others characteristics which is amazing. Yeah, and really funny. Yeah. Kramer there’s also a part in that episode where What is it? It is this one I think where Jerry is I think it’s before they trade apartments maybe. And Kramer says Kramer’s and Jerry’s apartment. He says okay, Newman come on in and Newman scampers in with huge buckets of chicken and he tries to run past Jerry to get into Jerry’s bed with a chicken. Just amazing. So I don’t know. I guess I’m just like raving about the episode as a whole. But
that’s a good episode. Yeah. What about you? Is there any others? The Michigan bottle deposit scheme. Okay, good. We’re so in New York. If you drink a plastic or glass bottle, or a can of soda, anything like that, you can turn into a recycling center for five cents. So you get a five cent refund on every drink you drink. Basically, if you’re willing to keep all those cans and take them to the redemption center and let them turn in all that. But in Michigan, you get 10 cents back so you can double your profits there. Except it’s not a profit because you’re still drinking all the stuff we want. So, Kramer crunches the numbers and you know, Newman’s tried it 100 times. Wait, no, it’s backwards. Kramer’s tried the permutations 100 times he can never figure it out. The Newman who never knew recycling was the thing he thought you had to pay for recycling. Instead of getting refunded. He decides he’s gonna crunch the numbers and realize that on Mother’s Day, they send an extra truck from New York to Michigan. Then not full with letters, it’s just got a few so they can use the rest of that space for all their cans and bottles. And he can drive that truck.
Yep. And that’s what makes it. Yeah, that’s what makes it financially viable. Correct. And then they steal a bunch of bottles and cans from homeless people. They drink tons of Mellow Yellow for some reason. Yeah, the worst drink. Yeah, okay. It’s not the worst. But yeah, it’s not my top choice.
There’s a lot better ones that if I had to drink that much, I would choose differently. Yeah. And then they got it. They ended up chasing down Jerry’s car who his mechanic stole it from him and it’s got jfks golf clubs in the back long story. I just really like I like kind of the the buddy road trip they’ve got going on. I like the crunching the numbers and Newman going deep into it. And like coming up with this plan. And Newman just gets whatever he wants with the Postal Service. I don’t get how that happens. You know this? What What do you mean by that real quick? Well, like he was on the verge of getting a transfer to Hawaii. All he had to do is deliver mail for like a week. Oh, you got the the Son of Sam mailbag. From to to put up as collateral for Kramer’s bets at the airport. He got to take this truck to Michigan. He got to use his truck to run flounder for China palace.
Well, it’s funny because I think I think Newman gets away with all that, because the way the Postal Service is portrayed in the show is they’re all too lazy. That’s stupid. No one gives a shit. There’s a part there’s a scene where I think Kramer goes into the post office to talk to Newman. And you know, they all one of his co worker says postal servicemen, Newman or whatever. And a new man walks up and says, Okay, please enjoy your four hour break to the other guy. So just like there’s all kinds of little hints. Yeah, that’s that’s from the junk mail, which is another scheme that we left out. Yeah, junk mail, where Cramer doesn’t want to get any mail anymore. So he boycotts the postal service.
While I was talking through that Michigan bottle deposit, I had another scheme that I just thought of that I thought of one. It’s when Kramer hides his key in in the strongbox. Yeah. Shows frayed Oh, and then they catch Jerry and Kramer digging up. Yeah, I found another one reverse people. Oh, I had that what I must have deleted that somehow. It definitely have the reverse people. That’s for sure. A scheme. That’s when the super can see him through the reverse people. We’re not ashamed of whatever we’re doing. Let him enjoy the show or whatever. Yeah. There’s just some I mean, look at this. We’re probably missing a few and we already have almost 60 schemes. So I’m at 60 on my list, and we’re definitely missing a few. Oh, there’s one where he he tries to trick the accountant into admitting he has a drug addiction. With the it’s the famous one with the Yeah, with the sniffing Yeah. Who’s here’s the mohair sweater. What’s he say? Here’s the feeling good all the time. Time. Yeah, that’s a scheme. So yeah, we could go on and on. And maybe we should do a part two. But yeah, after the second draft. Yeah, there’s so many.
Let’s see if we’re missing any other ones. Are you surprised that he didn’t get picked? Cuz I think that’s the next place to go. I think his act these pretzels are making me thirsty. Yeah. Really? Yeah. an acting career for him. Yeah, that’s a good one. I think. I almost picked the ball man at the US Open because he could really move. Mm hmm. He’s Spry. Moviefone. 2.0 is a good one. Yeah. I like that one. Because that that’s again, just as nonsense thing that he’s like, well, they’re called me anyways. I might as well help him out. But he isn’t just like, hey, I’ve got the paper. Let me look it up for you. He tries to he can’t understand the touchstone so why don’t you just tell me what movie you want to see. And then at the end, the real movie phone comes to his door. It gives him options for if he comes in and whoops his ads or whatever he says. If you’d like me to break down the store, please press one. I’m just kind of skimming through The meat slicer is good because there’s that line when he tells. So he has a meat slicer that he’s using in his home to like cut meat. And he. It’s like an industrial meat slicer. And he tells you like, I’ll go there. Yeah, right. I tell he tells Elaine, I cut meat sometimes so thin, I can’t even see it. And then Elaine says, Well, how do you know you really cut it? He just like looks off and says, Well, I guess I just assumed
there’s so many like, Great little things to each one of these key words. So we’re almost doing a disservice by not talking in depth about each one. But again, it has been credibly long. And as we’ve come up with at least 20 extras since we’ve been sitting here,
yeah, but man has there ever. You know, it’s the little things you mentioned. Has there ever. I mean, maybe if we really thought about it, but off the top of my head has I can’t think of a better like actor. That is so like, married to the roll. You know what I mean? Like michael richards was born for that role. And yeah,
yeah, I think maybe Dwight in the office. Yeah. Is a close second. But I’ve seen Rainn Wilson other things and he can do other things. You know, when you see Michael Richards and other things other than his stand up act where he’s just a blatant racist. Yeah.
Oh, crap. Like you still feel Kramer and a lot of his performances. Yeah, but it’s just like the little mannerisms and facials and like the way he’d fucking like, move his body. Like, I have to assume that’s most of that’s ad libbed. Yeah, especially the physical stuff. Yeah. The physical way you could script that. I did. I almost picked the Brant Leland. So TCP take, yeah, business. Yeah, that’s another great one where there’s a lot of little things in that where he’s just fixing the copier. And all sudden he’s in this meeting. It just keeps showing up and a guy tries to fire him and he’s like, how do you work here? But my favorite part of that episode is when he opens up the briefcase that he takes to work every day and it’s just full of crackers.
Well, Jerry asked what’s in there crackers?
crackers, and then he just walks off Yeah, it does like the the montage later he’s just sitting there eating the crackers on his desk.
Yeah, but correct but michael richards man he just like just the subtle things he does with the Kramer characters just so perfect. So spot on. Just the way he talks the way he answered Jerry right there. Oh, crackers. Like it’s just so Kramer so? I don’t know, man. He nailed it to shame that I fuckin you know, I What are your thoughts on a Seinfeld reunion, because a part of me is like, leave it alone. And I’m kind of upset now. Because like, if they’re gonna do it, now you don’t have Morty, you don’t have Frank sanza.
And, you know, Michael Richards is in his 70s. I’m against reunions in general for the most part. Just because it’s never the same, right? Everybody else has gone on to their careers. And you look at some like Arrested Development that tried to come back for those last two seasons. And they look so weird, because of the actors all have these other lives now going on, they couldn’t be in the same room most of the time. And like, I feel like we’re unions are that it’s this very forced thing. And we have to get as many jokes as we can in here so that people who love this show 30 years ago, will laugh and it’s like, well, you’re just retreading what you’ve already done. Like I’ve gone to see Jerry Seinfeld do stand up a couple times. Me too. And a lot of it or I’ve seen him once live and then I’ve watched like his stand up specials on HBO or Netflix or whatever. And a lot of it is retread of the material you see in those opening clips of Seinfeld episodes. I’m just like, This isn’t funny because I’ve seen it 1000 times. And it’s not. It’s that the jokes are still funny in the idea of them are funny.
it doesn’t hit you that same way as the first time you heard it in the show. And so I think reunion specials often feel like that. Did you ever see the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where they? Yeah, they did a mock
reunion? I did. And that was fine. And there was also fine. There was a superbowl commercial that was like two minutes long with Jerry and George and Newman, which was also good. They extended that a little bit in comedians in cars getting coffee.
Yeah, I mean,
there’s a full there’s like a full 10 minute on it of that extended version of that superbowl commercial which again like I’m fine with those little short things or like as part of curb it being part of this bigger thing that is what they’re doing and they kind of poke fun at the idea of doing it throughout the thing as well on curb so I yeah, I don’t know that I would want to see it I don’t know that they could get the magic back.
I don’t you know, I don’t know that I need a reunion with everyone in character. But I would love to see just like a sit down with like, the main four plus a few others where they just like reminisce about the show, you know, because yeah, I would love to get them all in the same room in character. or out of character just to I don’t know, cuz like, I just feel like, time is getting away from us here. You know? I don’t know. Yeah. Like Did you? Do you ever watch the inside the Actor’s Studio maybe it’s not ringing a bell. It’s so it’s,
don’t remember the guy’s name I have very little I’ve seen a couple episodes of it but he’s the actor studio is like a famous acting school that a lot of people have gone to so he’ll bring these people back and talk to them about their career like Bradley Cooper has been on it and all these other people. And so he’ll talk to them about their career and ask them about different characters and why they chose to do what they do and how far they’ve come and all that blah, blah, blah. So they did one episode with the entire cast of Arrested Development, which was a lot of fun because he he talked to them in character. Sometimes they talk to the actor sometimes and and they all got to play off it just like what you’re saying. It’s them all in the same room, reminiscing about the show, and also kind of getting into character and doing things like that. And I think that would be a really good forum for something like that, especially with how big Julia Louie Dreyfus has gotten since then. But she was big then. And then she fell off a little and then with Veep, and everything else now she’s she’s kind of back on top.
Yeah. I think happy for her. And I, I agree with you. And I think another thing that would be fun with that is if you played a couple episodes for them that they probably have not watched since it aired if even then, right. Yeah. And if I remember the Arrested Development, they I think they did that they would play some clips and be like, what was going on here? Yeah. Yeah, it’d be a lot of fun. I hope we get that someday. Because Larry David, we know you’re listening. listener the show. Yeah. You mentioned Julia Louis Dreyfus. You know, she, she was big and Seinfeld fell off a cliff. She tried a bunch of shows. I remember watching some of them. Like, I think watching Ellie was what it was called. Maybe. Steve Carell wasn’t that there’s some others, too, that they never went anywhere. And then she finds his whole, Christine. Yeah, there was that too, which I think that one did pretty well find that one. Yeah, what, like six or seven seasons? Yeah, it was I saw a couple episodes. It was always pretty funny. But even those were like, what? mid to late 2000s at the soonest. So there was a good like, 10 year gap there where she didn’t really do much notable, but michael richards never did anything notable again. I mean, he tried, there was one or two things he tried, but never. And then Jason Alexander.
He’s been out of things.
He’s been an added things. I always get the sense that he doesn’t try and like he doesn’t know care. Yeah. Well, he comes from a stage background. He was a stage actor before he was on Seinfeld and that they they almost like didn’t even audition or he didn’t want to audition because of that because it was so far removed from what he does. So I think he went back to that a lot. I think he he tried to have his own sitcom that he tried to lead. That didn’t work out in the early 2000s. I
watched one of them if I don’t know if he did more than one I watched at least it was called. Listen up, I think right? It had it had the guy from the actor that played What’s his name? Bill Cosby son in The Cosby Show. Oh, Malcolm Jamal Warner. Yes. Yep. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, it didn’t work out. But and Jason, you know, he’s appeared here and there in different movies and stuff. Like he was in shadow. Hell, yeah. He’s another stuff got us. First thing we will think of? Yeah. Well, I have to think that’s the most prominent role he’s had since then. Really? He was the rapey guy and pretty woman. But that was that was worse. Seinfeld actually. Wasn’t it during Seinfeld. I think I think pretty woman was raped before. Yeah, either way. He was in Dunston checks in with the monkey. That’s true. But that was definitely during Seinfeld. Pretty Pretty Woman came out in 1990. So it probably filmed about a year before that. So it would have been right, as Seinfeld was starting. Yeah, but hadn’t made it big yet. Yeah, he was. He wasn’t George yet. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah. Jason Alexander. of all of them. I think he’s the most talented of the four. But uh, yeah, kind of just bummed. He didn’t do more. But I kind of feel like he didn’t
want to do things. Now. I’ve seen a lot cuz I think I follow him on Twitter. So I’ve seen a lot of recent things that he’s done. And I think they’re more reality based. Like he did something something like road trip kind of show with his son a couple years ago. Things like that. Yeah. But yeah, he’s out there. All right.
Do we have anything else on Kramer? And I mean, the answer’s yes. But we for the sake of time, because yeah, I’m good. All right, thank you to Nick ml from the tennis podcast for joining me to go deep into Kramer schemes. And we may have to come back for part two because there’s a lot more we didn’t touch on. Yeah, or ga schemes. Even you know, there’s a lot to go into. Do you want to just plug tennis one more time? Let everybody know where they can find you on social media and all that. I mean, if you’re gonna twist my arm, I guess I will. Yeah, sure. So again tennis podcast that’s spelled one zero sh comedy podcast we do top 10 lists every week, few examples, edutainment, edutainment, yes. We’re coining that word. You know, we do top 10 lists in every genre. So we’ve done True Crime like the most prolific serial killers, the most deadliest Colts. We’ve done we do a bunch of movie stuff like the highest grossing films. We do like actor deep dives, like the most critically acclaimed Adam Sandler films. We’ve done food like the highest calorie menu items at restaurants, and largest restaurant chains, the most popular Halloween candy history, like the most viewed historical pages on Wikipedia. I’m just kind of scratching the surface here. Yeah, fast. heaviest presidents excuse you fat shopping. The best presidents the worst presidents, the smartest presidents. Yeah, so I could go on and on. We got over on a Seinfeld list. Yeah. Episode 32 was Seinfeld. Yeah, I’m looking at a list.
we have an episode for you if you’re listening to this and so yeah, I hope you’ll check us out. We have tennis you can find us at tennis pod.com or just search tennis podcast on literally any podcast app and you can also follow us on twitter instagram, at at tennis pod.
There you go. Yeah, boom. Follow them there. Good follow. And they’re good. Listen, if you haven’t listened to tennis pod What are you doing with your life? You need to go listen to it. You can follow me on twitter at APA something you can always follow. Regular host co host Nick alone. Regular regular lesser co host Nick at alone underscore podcast and all the music for podcasts about something is provided by those cats. Do you want it like a sign off or anything here?
Thanks for having me, man. Stay classy.
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