Episode 140 – A Podcast About a Presidential Roast

Presidential fatigue is real, similar to the way the world felt about Justin Bieber, Pamela Anderson, or Flava Flav. So, naturally, the way to move past those feelings is to roast the position, the accolades, the ups, and the downs, as well as the man himself. That’s right, Kalvin and Nick are here to Roast the (former) Presidents of the United States. No, not the most recent one (although we still take a few shots), but some of his predecessors who may boast a nose of epic proportions or an attempted BDM that didn’t quite pan out leading to premature death! We round robbin through the 10s, ’20s, ’30s, and ’40s of presidential eras, putting our own unique spin on what four different presidents brought to the table, and the crumbs they may have left behind.

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Full Episode Transcript Below:

Kalvin 0:07
Each week we dive deep into whatever it is we find interesting. I’m your host, Calvin and joining me. I don’t really want to say Washington, Washington DC right now because I could have a bad connotation. I don’t know. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It’s your co host, Nick Richardson.

Nick 0:26
I mean, that’s tie with me, dude. It’s

Kalvin 0:28
the original capital.

Nick 0:30
Right? And it’s, it’s the City of Brotherly Love. But people can be kind of dicks and mildly aggressive. But the food here is,

Kalvin 0:39
it’s always sunny there,

Nick 0:40
too. It’s Always Sunny there. And I mean, it’s been for at least 15 seasons.

Kalvin 0:46
Yeah. At least. We The reason that Nick is in our nation’s capital, and not current capitals, because it’s a little dangerous in the current capital. So we went with the closest one, but we’re gonna attempt to do a roast of some former presidents.

Nick 1:04
Yeah, a little levity in this time of depravity.

Kalvin 1:08
Yeah, we’re gonna we’re gonna try to keep it light. We’ve each chosen two presidents. And we’re going to kind of discuss first who they are. Maybe some of their accomplishments, and then we’ll just proceed to roast the shit out of them as well as we can.

Nick 1:23
And just so you folks are aware, we will not be roasting Donald J. Trump.

Kalvin 1:28
Yes, I will. Try again, not to say his name. But I was getting there.

Nick 1:34
I mean, I think I’ll just say he’s not the Boogey Man. And the orange fella has lost its flavor.

Kalvin 1:43
Perhaps the most Roseville president ever we’re not

Nick 1:48
thinking about these literally every, every time it’s like, Fuck, I backed myself into a corner here. I just oh,

Kalvin 1:55
there may be some sideways jabs at him though. But I in my feeling, there’s just enough controversy surrounding him right now that we’re just gonna steer all the way clear of it. Because more than anything, we’re trying to make this fun. And if we piled it on now, it would just kind of border on sad and angry. And that’s not what we’re here for. By the time this is releases, we will be on the verge of the inauguration. It’s gonna release two days before the inauguration of President Elect Joe Biden. So we wanted to do something fun around that idea and not just sit here for an hour bashing the current incumbent. For that, check out like literally 67% of political podcast.

Nick 2:42
Oh, yeah. No doubt. No doubt. It’s it’s getting a little old. Plus, all these guys are dead, and they can’t wield the long dick of the law to come after you.

Kalvin 2:52
Yeah. And so one person that talked about is not gonna be dead, because we will be doing a slight roast on Joe Biden at the end.

Nick 2:59

Kalvin 3:01
Yeah, gotta include the new incoming president here. He’s the only one that’s alive. You know how alive he is is debatable. But we’ll get to that when we get to.

Nick 3:12
Fucking sleepy Joe. That is one of the best nicknames of all time. I’m sorry. Yeah.

Kalvin 3:20
I mean, it’s it’s solid. And

Nick 3:23
it’s solid. It’s solid, Nick.

Kalvin 3:26
We don’t want to be too harsh on Joe. We I mean, we got a lot to look forward to with him.

Nick 3:31
Calvin, this is a roast. Gonna leave that shit at the door. Just let it let it flow through you. We have two bros these men. Alright.

Kalvin 3:41
So we went with do the voice or tried to pick the president in the zero through 10 range 10 through 2020 through 30 and 30 through 40. And then obviously 46 at the end. So we’re getting all the not really decades but different generation generations presence. There we go. So my first president that I picked is our country’s eighth president Martin Van Buren. He was the president from 1837 to 1841. Among his accomplishments, he founded the Democratic Party, which is interesting,

Nick 4:17
get the fuck out of here, but

Kalvin 4:18
it was kind of like a it was kind of like a break off. He kind of destroyed the democratic republican party and built it into his own image. Right.

Nick 4:29
So come on, I’m gonna crash this car and motorcycle

Kalvin 4:32
and Andrew Jackson together. Yeah, basically, that’s what they did is they took all leftover and we’re like, no, this is a new thing. Now, we’re not that other thing.

Nick 4:39
And you can’t have it. It’s mine. He this I

Kalvin 4:44
don’t know if this is an accomplishment, but it’s definitely something that happened. he presided over the Panic of 1837 which is not a great thing to be tied to.

Nick 4:52
I don’t think as I laugh about it

Kalvin 4:57
in in May of 1836 Seven state banks in New York refused to convert paper money to gold or silver because their hard currency reserves are low. So several financial institutions around the nation did same thing. This led to a five year economic depression in which banks failed and unemployment reached record highs. But luckily for Martin Van Buren, my boy, we’ve now had three much worse depression. So no one ever talks about the Panic of 1837 Congrats,

Nick 5:26
note hansy laughter Yeah, it’s like, oh, you’re cute panic. Get out of town.

Kalvin 5:32
We’ve had a great depression, a great recession. And whatever the hell we’re in the middle of right now. So take my whole life. Yeah. Well, I don’t think you were alive during the Great Depression.

Nick 5:44
Well, yeah. I don’t know. Was I I don’t know.

Kalvin 5:49
He’s mortal whose first language wasn’t English. His first language is Dutch.

Nick 5:55
Shit. Yeah.

It’s interesting. Why was it Dutch?

Kalvin 6:01
Like I read about it, but I don’t fucking remember. His his parents were Dutch immigrants or something like that.

Nick 6:08
It’s probably something like he learned his father.

Kalvin 6:11
Abraham will know his native language was Dutch. Yeah, so he couldn’t have learned that.

Nick 6:16
Well, such a Manimal that he was into chicks and his homeland of America.

Kalvin 6:23
His father Abraham, was a descendant of Cornelius Mason, a native of bermel son Netherlands, who had emigrated to New Netherland in 1631 and purchased a plot of land on Manhattan Island. So there you go. His grandfather was from the Netherlands and the Dutch just got passed down to generations apparently

Nick 6:44
like my story better.

Kalvin 6:45
Yeah. Trying to bone a chick straight out a little.

Nick 6:50
Hey, I said he was five. fuckin early riser.

Kalvin 6:54
Here’s another great thing he did great and heavy quotations here. He attempted to restore the two party system with the Federalists and the democratic Republicans. That was with the help of Andrew Jackson as well. VAN BUREN believe that these national parties helped ensure that elections were decided on national rather than sexual or local issues, as he put it party attachment, in former times furnished a complete antidote for sexual prejudices. And now, we just have a mess. So thank you, Martin. Manveer. Great job. Thanks,

Nick 7:24

Kalvin 7:25
Marty. Marty VB.

Nick 7:29
Marty van butts.

Kalvin 7:32
election of 1836 helped establish the second party system. By the end of the election cycle, almost all political factions have been absorbed by the democratic and the Whig parties. He was pushed into the presidency by Andrew Jackson because he wanted Andrew Jackson basically just wanted to continue controlling things. So he needed a puppet. And here comes the old Sly Fox as they call Martin Van Buren.

Nick 7:54
As one does, too. I mean, that is politics. You know, you have to have your puppets and your fucking do gooders and your fall guys.

Kalvin 8:04
Yeah. Martin Van Buren was a perfect example of that. During the election cycle, the Whig Party attempted to negatively frame Van Buren as an abolitionist to try and sway votes on a bad thing to be an abolitionist.

Nick 8:17
Oh, my God, like it’s bad thing to be anti fascist. Oh, my God.

Kalvin 8:21
Well, I mean, it’s 1837. So So war hadn’t happened yet. I just thought that was interesting. But in actuality, our good friend Marty here. He posed abolitionists and made promises to keep slavery in states where it already existed to secure Southern votes. So he was just like, yeah, whatever you guys want. I’m there for I’m a lying piece of shit.

Nick 8:41
How about that?

Kalvin 8:42
He thought slavery was immoral, but it was sanctioned by the Constitution so that he that’s where he stood is like, yeah, you guys can do this, but you should.

Nick 8:50
But I don’t care. I mean, the Constitution says, guys. I live and die. But

Kalvin 8:56
yeah, he’s got some more low lights here. he presided over the Trail of Tears, which if you remember your American history, that is the Native American relocation in the 1830s. He apparently had reached 19 treaties with Indian tribes in 1838. He ordered the forcible removal of all the tribes who had not yet complied. Move them all to Oklahoma. That’s where you get your trail of tears. Yeah, the Cherokee were herded violently into internment camps when the relocation was stalled by intense heat and drought. And the government was supposed to supply wagons, rations, medical doctors, just nothing. Oh, of course. 1000 people were relocated against their will and many died.

Nick 9:36
That is fucking terrible.

Kalvin 9:39
Yes, Martin Van Buren, great prep. He, he couldn’t quite complete the annexation of Texas or actually sorry. He didn’t try to because he wanted to avoid a war with Mexico and didn’t want to deal with any slavery tensions that would arise by annex in Texas. Would it be in the south would it be non slaveholding all that stuff. He just didn’t want to deal with it. So he just didn’t fucking do it.

Nick 9:58
That’s one option. So

Kalvin 10:00
does Right. Yeah. He opposed the Americans involvement in Canada’s revolution against the British. So he didn’t want anything to do with that either. And anyone he caught helping the Canadians got arrested or, you know, whatever the fuck they did back in the 1830s burned at the stake like they were which.

Nick 10:16
Yeah, I mean, it’s only tight when we do it. Fuck Canada, they can’t do it.

Kalvin 10:21
It so it wasn’t that Canada can’t do it. He just didn’t want to be involved in it. That’s a that’s a Ryan affair with my boy, Marty Bambi is uh, he just didn’t want to do anything. Anything that may have resulted in a war. He’s just like, Nah, fuck it. I’m good. And pretty much in the 1830s. Pretty much anything you said or did would, could potentially result in a war?

Nick 10:42
So what do you think of this Martin?

Kalvin 10:45
Not my man. The Sly Fox. He was not full of anything. He was just there. Good for him.

Nick 10:51
Fuck it, use that. He’s like that one politician from Parks and Rec. It’s like a robot. But the great smile. You know which one I’m talking about? It’s in the fifth season. Yeah,

Kalvin 11:03
I can see Oh, yeah, that Ben goes and works for his campaign. I can see it in my head. But I couldn’t place him in the actual Parks and Rec office. I’m like, Wait, who was that? Like that? It? That’s right. It wasn’t there. It was when Ben went and worked in Washington. I get this fucking Marty. That’s funny. Maybe? Yep. Hello. Yes, I can do that. Is it gonna cause war? No. All right. Yeah, we can do it. Oh, will cause war. Yeah, nevermind. We’re not gonna do that. That’s Martin Van Buren.

Nick 11:29
beautiful day outside no war.

Kalvin 11:32
vanburen viewed abolitionism as the greatest threat to national unity.

Nick 11:37
The fuck is wrong with this guy? Are you serious?

Kalvin 11:41
Yes, he resisted even the slightest interferences with slavery in the US. He also presided over the almost odd case, which there’s a movie called Alma starred with Morgan Freeman, or some other Korean actors, that that this is all based on. But basically, there was a revolt on a Spanish schooner. That’s a type of naval ship named la Amistad, Spain. And the revolt that was a slave ship, slaves revolted, took over the ship, I believe landed somewhere in the United States, Spain, one of their slaves back. They wanted all those guys back, US federal district court ruled that they are now free men and could just return home which I mean, I don’t know that they have How the hell are they going to get back to Africa or wherever they came from? I’m confused there. But you know, that’s fine. I got to watch out apparently,

Nick 12:34
he’s still another schooner.

Kalvin 12:35
Yeah, it’s like two hours and 40 minutes long.

Nick 12:37
Jesus movie.

Kalvin 12:38
Yeah, it’s been on my list for a long time. Just like I can’t. It’s too much to watch like a slave movie for that long live movies. Are

Nick 12:44
they so our man? That’s why they show everyone roots in fucking Middle School.

Kalvin 12:50
They’re like, Yeah, really good to a glory. It’s it’s really good and really interesting. It’s just very hard to watch, because it’s just brutal throughout the 12 years of slave, same thing. It’s

Nick 13:01
just like, never watched it. And I don’t know if I will.

Kalvin 13:06
That’s pretty good.

Nick 13:07
I’ve I’ve heard that, but I’ve just heard some horrible shit that’s done and said in that movie. It’s like, man, I just watch that.

Kalvin 13:15
Yeah, it’s a rough watch. So the federal district court ruled that their Freeman Van Buren steps in he appealed the case all the way to the Supreme Court because he agreed that they should still belong to Spain. He I guess he probably didn’t want to go to war with Spain over the slaves.

Nick 13:28
He’s like, no, no. I mean, he’s people’s sovereignty.

Kalvin 13:32
That’s not important. They’re not people.

Nick 13:33
Yeah, no.

Kalvin 13:35
He loses in the Supreme Court to one john quincy adams comm a retirement to represent the slaves. They were deemed free and allowed to return home. The homicide case drew attention to the personal tragedies of slavery and attracted new support for the growing abolition movement in the north. It also transformed transformed the courts into the principle forum for the national debate on the legal foundations of slavery. So he accomplished something. He got slavery cases escalated, basically to supreme court level just because he’s a dumb ass it thought that these people should be people. Because he thought he was fucking right. And it turns out he’s just a dick. Well, no, he just didn’t want to go to war Spain.

Nick 14:17
Yeah, let’s be real. Yeah, fuck. I mean, I’m,

Kalvin 14:22
I’m telling you, I read through this whole Wikipedia page. Anything that came across is that that there was half a thought that it could lead to war. He was like, Nah, whatever we can do to avoid war. I’m out of it.

Nick 14:33
It’s like, hey, Marty. So Nah. Well, I mean, I just got Nah, I mean, seriously, we listen. We got this off with that. Just

Kalvin 14:44
somebody you’re trying to go to war with us? I don’t know.

Nick 14:47
I don’t declare. To get you fucking lost. I can’t Yeah, I’m sure they didn’t talk like they were. Well, I was gonna say in Old English. Get the fuck out of my office. With that bullshit war stuff, I don’t want any of that. No, I’ve never been in a fight. Why do you ask?

Kalvin 15:08
Boom, roasted. He ran for reelection in 1840 1844 and 1848 lost all three. They weren’t particularly close either

Nick 15:19
students a fucking bomb. Yeah.

He’s a fucking whack. But I wonder how old john quincy adams was to come out of retirement and still wipe the floor with this.

Kalvin 15:30
So here’s our second president right in this guy’s 1980s. So that’s like, 80 years later, he’s

Nick 15:36
doing this he was old as fuck. So I mean, this guy is probably like going through all kinds of gout and renal failure and all this stuff

Kalvin 15:44
with the Adams Jr. or something. And I just missed that. But yeah, it made a specific point of saying, john quincy adams.

Nick 15:51
Yeah, I don’t want to scroll

Kalvin 15:52
through the whole thing to find them again. But

Nick 15:55
I don’t think he had john quincy adams, Jr. I don’t know. I think john adams was the junior

Kalvin 16:02
potential. I didn’t study him for this. I studied Martin Manveer. Jesus, in 1848. in that election, he switched sides by running an anti slavery campaign. Now he’s all for letting people be people. So way to go.

Nick 16:17
He’s like, Oh, this is what they like. Alright,

Kalvin 16:21
so here you go. received no electoral votes in 1848. But 10.1% of the popular vote, which was the largest margin by a third party candidate up to that point, so he was a third party in 1848. And just got no electoral and that’s when they’re, like, 17 electoral votes for real.

Nick 16:39
It’s, everyone’s just like, hey, Marty. No, no, I was like, dang it. You know,

Kalvin 16:44
I don’t want to go to war with you guys about this. But seriously, he was by far the best of all the worst losers, so good job money, man.

Nick 16:54
I wonder what it says on his headstone. It’s like literally lost at fucking everything. Mark Van Buren, Marty Phoebe,

Kalvin 17:00
a lot of times he didn’t even try a lot. That’s why he didn’t you know, if you try to lose,

Nick 17:06
if he doesn’t have like a nerf basketball hoop on the back of his headstone. I don’t even know. You’re right. I don’t even know if I can do this. Oh, wait, wait

Kalvin 17:16
till we get to my next pick. Because he may have been a bigger loser than my boy MVP here.

Nick 17:21
I did. I think I might have you beat.

Kalvin 17:26
Oh, we’re gonna see. But most importantly, for Van Buren was that he had a new york city street gang named after him who secret sign was eight fingers because he was a president Van Buren boys.

Nick 17:38
That is, that is dumb as fuck

Kalvin 17:41
the amount of noise and listeners who haven’t seen Seinfeld, it’s most likely not a real thing. There was an episode of Seinfeld, that Kramer and George both got in some trouble with the Van Buren boys. And Kramer got out of it because he was holding the holding the salt shaker. In one hand, he had eight fingers, so they thought he was a former member, but George couldn’t get out of it. He had some issues with the fanboys.

Nick 18:03
Did they? You know, asked him to fist fight. And then when he was like, okay, they were like, Nah, man, I don’t do that thing.

Kalvin 18:11
I hate it.

Nick 18:12
Alright, I’ll

Kalvin 18:13
explain it. So George was he’s in charge of this foundation, he has to give someone a scholarship. And he meets this kid. And he’s like a regular kid, instead of like one of the smarty pants kids that he’s been interviewing all day. And he’s like, I’m gonna give it to him. Because he claims to want to be an architect, which is something George always pretended to want to be. And then he changed his mind decides he wants to be a city planner. And so George takes a scholarship away from it. And so this kid, Steven corn, he goes and joins the Van Buren boys. And then they try and shake George down, because George took the scholarship away. And they want him to get the scholarship back,

Nick 18:53
in shakey down the beam beer invoice.

Kalvin 18:56
And as George George tried to say it was a forum member, and they don’t believe him. So they asked him for the secret sign and can’t figure it out. And he does like this weird thing. And then they asked him to bug somebody and he can’t bug anybody. It’s a whole thing. Eventually, Jerry’s parents walked by and he tries to like, talk them into pretending to be mugged, and it doesn’t work out.

Nick 19:13
No shit. I kind of got a little

Kalvin 19:16
bit away from us, George. So it all comes back to Seinfeld. That’s why I had to choose Martin Van Buren just so we could go to the Van Buren boys. And more notably, I’m looking at his picture now, he probably should have been called Martin Van sideburns. Like this dude has the baddest ass sideburns I’ve ever seen. They’re just all over the place. And he lost. He lost his reelection to the Whig Party nominee, William Henry Harrison, who we’re going to talk about soon, I think. And I just kind of say how do you lose an election to someone whose entire platform is based on fake hair. These Whig Party guys, that’s all they care about. VAN BUREN is a bald guy standing up tall for his bald justices. And just as his disdain for the Whig Party is so strong that he grows as much hair as possible all over his head, other than on the Top to be like, I don’t need a fucking wig. Look at this shit on

Nick 20:02
the side of my head. See this shit? It’s like a broom. I can fucking clean house

Kalvin 20:07
major wigs

Nick 20:08
will fuck dude. That’s why, you know the next guy, Harry Harrison. He’s just thrown in Van Buren His face is like you like them apples, bitch. There was a I’m looking at a photo of Martin Van Buren as a younger man. And he’s a redhead. And that makes so much sense. He looks like he’s 12 and he’s bald. He’s already got the sideburns. But he’s already bald. He looks fucking tall.

Kalvin 20:35
And very creepy.

Nick 20:38
He literally looks like a fucking Hannibal Lecter.

Kalvin 20:43
He’s like, yeah,

Nick 20:44
I’m fava bean. But don’t try to go to war with me.

Kalvin 20:49
Yeah, no, no, if you’re gonna fight back then just go. Yes, sir. I don’t eat your face that badly.

Nick 20:54
I don’t even I don’t even want it anymore.

Kalvin 20:57
Also nicknamed little van, he just seemed like the biggest wimp ever. Like, that’s what it felt like to me, as I’m reading through this. Like I said anything on the table that may have led to war. He just do nothing or Wait, wait it out, try and figure out a way to work it out that didn’t involve war, which, like, I guess that’s a good thing. You want to use diplomatic relations. But it seemed like every decision he made was just like, well, if we do that, it might cause a war. So I’m not going to do that. yet. No fight even like it definitely will cause war. So I’m not gonna do it’s like, well, that might piss somebody off. So we don’t want to make anything that everyone mad. And the other thing he did a lot to appease the slaveholders who helped elect him in his first election. So he kind of had these blinders on to the growing and progressive movement of abolitionism because he didn’t want to piss them off either. So it doesn’t want to go to war with anyone. He doesn’t want to piss off the slaveholders. It just sounds really, really familiar. Kind of like, you know, might even be recent going on.

Nick 21:59
Yeah, some more legacy stuff.

Kalvin 22:02
Let’s Let’s have some blinders on to anything progressive, because that’s because

Nick 22:08
change is scary. And he felt the same way. And you know, back in the back at that time, if people called you a little van, you fucking had duels over that shit.

Kalvin 22:20
where a woman was five, six, so he was a little

Nick 22:23

Well, I mean, at least he’s harder to shoot. There’s that. That that could have been like his calling card his fucking saving graces. He’s a mad duelist with YuGiOh cards.

Kalvin 22:40
There we go.

Nick 22:41
You want to do all bro? Little Marty VB

Kalvin 22:47
that’s Marty VB in a nutshell,

Nick 22:49

Kalvin 22:51
you would fit in a nutshell.

Little van. Well,

Nick 22:57
this guy I don’t know. I can’t really say much else about this guy, but he’s just kind of a fucking do we eat? Yeah, it’s like your bastard.

Kalvin 23:09
It’s hard to roast somebody. That’s pathetic.

Nick 23:11
Well, fuck, how do you how do you inspire the population as this little five foot six hobbit man who is bald? has the most wicked sideburns. But you know, at the time, I’m gonna say that’s he was starting to get that in vogue. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if Marty Vep actually started sideburns, which fuck him for that? Because sideburns. I’m looking

Kalvin 23:35
at them right now. And he’s got some mad sideburns going on.

Nick 23:39
Maybe? Well, I mean, he got torn to shreds by that dude. In the fucking court.

Kalvin 23:45
He’s like, so that’s why I looked at him. He he would have been 70 ish years old at the time of that. The Amistad case that is old as fuck.

Nick 23:53
Oh my god.

Kalvin 23:56
Especially in the 1800s Jesus Christ.

Nick 24:02
Yeah, I mean, that’s, that’s probably like talking to Ozzy Osborne. And he’s still fucking lost to that guy.

Kalvin 24:07
Yeah, it’s like using a court case to

Nick 24:10
Ozzy Osborne, or losing a court case to sly Stallone after Expendables five. Like, you know what, john quincy, you’re fucking right. My man.

Kalvin 24:26
Who we got next, Nick.

Nick 24:28
We got this fucking punk bastard. William Henry Harrison, who just, you know, not vibing with him. He was the ninth president overall. And he surprisingly, had it had it pretty much laid out for him that he was going to be a president in some regard. He’s the son of a founding father, at the time in the 18, you know, early 1800s are right around the turn of that timeframe. Whatever his claim to fame was mostly as a military commander, and he was part of that to come. So it confederacy Battle of tippy canoe, which kind of got him his nickname of old tippy canoe, which is like one of the shittiest streets in the town I live in, and it sums up this fucking douchebag pretty perfect.

Kalvin 25:20
He’s almost 70 at the time of his press, he’s

Nick 25:21
like, 68 is nice minus one. But, you know, that’s where the old phrase typically new and Tyler to if I learned anything in school, it was that phrase, I still remember that shit. And as a major general in the army of the, during the war of 1812, he led a contingent of infantry and cavalry during the Battle of the teams in Canada. So Canada, once again, being involved in the early, you know, early

Kalvin 25:51
was the president in 1812. Actually let him fight in Canada. That was nice. Yeah, he’s like, you know, my mighty Bambi he didn’t want anything to do with Canada. He’s like, I’m fucking Canadians.

Nick 26:01
It’s cool to shut up there. Listen, man, I’m not doing it. Which, obviously, is that kind of catapulted this douchebag I mean, military service at that time, was absolutely.

Kalvin 26:16
Like every good leadership skills.

Nick 26:18
Yeah. If you could lead men to like that killed, you know, pretty innocent people for the most part and

Kalvin 26:24

Nick 26:24
Yes. Well, I mean, that’s, there’s a lot of Indians there. That’s what really he was known for is, like, I don’t know, just targeting Indian folks being extremely aggressive and terrible. He was actually assigned by the president at the time, john adams, to be the governor of the new Indiana Territory. So this guy is quite similar to a former governor of Indiana.

You’re right.

I mean, I

you knew I meant the fly on the wall that sees everything. And by wall I mean, very stiff hairspray hair. And he proceeded to be elected to the House in 1816. And then the Senate, and he ran for president in 1836. And lost to Marty Vbi. How the bullshit lost Mr. DVB? How do you how fuckin shitty Do you have to be to lose to Marty van side?

Kalvin 27:27
William Henry Harrison have any street gangs named after him? I don’t think so.

Nick 27:31
Well, I mean, he has the sickest phrase in the entirety of the whole world. Tippie canoe and Tyler to and that’s snazzy. At the time that probably get bras thrown at you.

Kalvin 27:42
Yeah, guy. That’s probably what killed him.

Nick 27:47
call these tickets. Oh, my God.

Kalvin 27:49
Somebody just dropped it.

Nick 27:54
That just reminds me of like a family guys get or some shit. Yeah. hits the ground hardest, you know, he died in a way worse way. So he didn’t really accomplish much, like really much at all. The only thing he did was kind of change how people receive their positions in Washington, or, you know, wherever he got them from at the time. He instead of, you know, people who just gave him a shitload of money. And he’d be like, Alright, here’s a cabinet position. They’d have to give him a shitload of money and be his friend.

Kalvin 28:35
Oh, nice. Yeah,

Nick 28:36
I mean, that’s, that’s a tough bar,

Kalvin 28:38
I’ve got coming up the reversal of that reversal. And with my next guy,

Nick 28:44
double reverse the mythological beast. So he kind of changed the game in regards to politicians getting endorsements at the time, but he kind of stuck to, you know, relatively if they were qualified. He kind of got the job. So he had that. Well, I didn’t say that phrase Exactly. That they should burn down the capital. So I’m totally innocent. Yeah, you know, I mean, what this guy’s major mistake, really kind of just undoes even the tiny amount that he did. And he tried to, you know, bring the big dick energy. And he failed. He did not know. I mean, I’m going to tell you all about all that Big Dig.

Kalvin 29:30
All that big energy got that lady to flash him and then he dropped it.

Nick 29:35
Okay, show me your tickets. And she’s like, Alright, cool. And then he fucking died.

Kalvin 29:42
by William Henry Harrison death voice.

Nick 29:44
You get to throw a fart in there. There you go. We’re fucking making history right now. We’re gonna get a letter from someone that’s like you dick. He was my great great uncle and I’m offended.

Kalvin 29:58
So still represent the Whig Party to this day

Nick 30:01
straight up William Henry Harrison life. And then I’m gonna text you and just say, See, I told you you had a gang. So this guy had the bright idea. He kind of developed a like a caricature around him of being a backwoods redneck idiot. So not not too popular. So he wanted to come out and display the he was really something special. He decided that it would be super tight for his inauguration in Washington DC, which is pretty far north if you’ve ever been there, gets cold on a, on a nice rainy day. He wore no coat, no hat, no gloves, gave the longest speech

Kalvin 30:47
about us.

Nick 30:48
I mean, total badass. He’s like, I’m gonna, I’m gonna teach everyone and talk forever, about nothing. And yeah, 90 minutes, it was like, almost 9000 words, which was, you know, people that time are like, Oh my God, this guy’s fuckin genius.

Kalvin 31:05
You know, just as naked, that we’re really showing him.

Nick 31:09
You know, instead, he died. It’s debated. It’s debated whether, you know, it was the weather or the fact that he drank shitty sewage runoff living at the White House, because apparently it was kind of like a thing.

Kalvin 31:26
at the inauguration flashing it.

Nick 31:30
Just, I mean, he’s getting rapid fire titties. And he’s like, Fuck, it’s kind of like Christian just position cannot take this is what we’re saying. I mean, he was what 68 he was.

Kalvin 31:47
When he died. I think it said,

Nick 31:48

He was in office for 33 days. 33 By far, the lowest amount,

Kalvin 31:58
actually, in

Nick 32:01
office, because it took so long to travel. I mean, he fucking died there. So there’s that he probably wants to shut out of it.

Kalvin 32:07
Well, he died at the inauguration.

Nick 32:08
Now he died 33 days after the inauguration.

Kalvin 32:11
Okay, I see. I see. I’m seeing the timeline now. So he spent all of his days as president on

Nick 32:17
basically. So what happened is he gave this speech. And then he developed a you know, cold and flu like symptoms, and then it just, he kind of went into fucking freefall. And on the 33rd day he died. And what’s debated is where they received most of their groundwater and stuff like that for water at the White House was contaminated with feces and urine, and all the other nasty shit that humanity produces. And he was drinking it all up, but he was like, This shit is dynamite. So there’s that. I mean, 33 days that’s it. Fucking either a cold took him or shit water. pick your poison.


Kalvin 33:02
am reading through his Wikipedia a little as you’re going through it. Apparently the Whigs during the election of 1840 had been van bear nicknamed van Baron van ruin,

Nick 33:11
which All right, that’s good. That’s fair. Little van ruin. That’s a sweet metal band.

Kalvin 33:17
That’s pretty good. The Democrats in turn called Harrison granny Harrison. The petticoat? Rich? That’s a sick burn.

Nick 33:25
Yeah, you got to do all right, Harrison. If anyway, like khorasani Harrison

Kalvin 33:29
Van Buren never would have said that because Harrison might have wanted to go to war with him. We can’t have that.

Nick 33:34
Seriously. I mean, Harrison is the sickest dog on the face of the earth, literally, for 33 days. So I gotta say, what what was weird, and I find it interesting after this fucking idiot died because he was trying to be hard. And everyone knows that one kid in school. I won’t wear jacket. Right who I were. His name was Tory. Shoutout Tory. Tory, yeah, you were an idiot. But he would walk around like sub zero temperatures in fucking shorts, and which his legs are blue and you don’t feel it? Fucking great. I feel so good. It’s like, dude.

Kalvin 34:18
So I went to elementary school here in Florida. And we would always kind of challenge each other who could go the longest into winter without wearing shorts or without wearing having to wear pants? Like, excellent. outside? Yeah, when it gets colder, says my daughter doesn’t like she doesn’t ever like to wear long pants. So always go in these little skirts or whatever. But yeah, I get it coming from here. But up there. No, no. Yeah,

Nick 34:43
I mean, there were days where it’s like minus 20. We’re walking home from school and it’s snowing and he’s just like, yeah,

Kalvin 34:49
then how would people know you’re a badass?

Nick 34:52
I don’t know. He wore pink shoes a lot to secure, they’re on sale. For you. Tory’s

Kalvin 34:59
gonna own that

Nick 35:00
Pretty much He’s a fucking goob and his parents were swingers. So yeah.

Kalvin 35:09
You know, we’re gonna let the the short slide now. It seems like he needs some help.

Nick 35:17
No, he’s all right. He’s doing well. I think he works for Apple or some shit.

Kalvin 35:21

Nick 35:22
Yeah. sweatiness decor from California. He’s a guy’s This sucks out here. Sorry for fucking cold pants all the time. This is bullshit. And that he’s like, you know, I I talked to that head honcho, I talked to Mr. Cook You know, he said I could cut off all my my jeans and make them shorts.

Kalvin 35:40
So how did we get to roasting some random dude named boy? Because he’s William Henry Harrison here.

Nick 35:46
We’re roasting a generation. Well, it’s I guess it’s generational of men who just really tried. It doesn’t work. You just hit me with this little dick energy and it sucks. It just sucks so much.

Kalvin 36:00
It works up until the point you fall ill with pneumonia and are on bed on your deathbed for 33 days and eventually die bleeding. President ever because seriously,

Nick 36:10
you couldn’t do anything. You literally could not do anything. And afterwards. There was a there was a constitutional crisis. So it called attention to ambiguity in Article two, section one clause six of the Constitution regarding succession to the presidency. It clearly states provided for the vice president to take over the powers and duties of the presidency in the event of the President’s removal, death by ship water and or pneumonia, resignation or inability because he’s dying. But it was unclear whether the vice president formally became president of the united states are simpler, simply a tow. Well,

Kalvin 36:51
don’t worry, because that never fully got worked out.

Nick 36:53
It did, actually. And here’s how. Because it ties in. No, no, it did. Because typically wait

Kalvin 36:59
till I get to my guy named Well, wait,

Nick 37:01
let me finish the sentence. Fine.

Kalvin 37:03
What is john Tyler have to say? I

Nick 37:05
said everyone else was liars. And he’s like, Yeah, no, I’m super the president. And I’m not that’s one way to do it. Therefore I am.

Kalvin 37:13
And because I’m the president, and I said I’m the president. ipso facto I am the president. Alright, so I get where john Tyler’s coming from but I’m telling you that the trickle down of that did not I guess they didn’t write it down well enough after this fiasco. Because it comes back to haunt you later

Nick 37:32
comes back to haunt you. But you know what haunts me the most Calvin

Kalvin 37:37
this cool like face his

Nick 37:38
guru like face this fucking guy has the skinniest face I’ve ever seen

Kalvin 37:44
a dream about this face tonight? He looks like the guy not a good one. Oh, dude, he

Nick 37:47
looks like the congressman from the first x men who slides through goddamn bars in prison. Hey, I don’t like to typically make fun of people’s noses. And surprisingly, in all these wars

Kalvin 38:00
looks like it’s dripping off his face.

Nick 38:02
It looks like it would have icicles hanging from it in a storm. Like you would hide under it in case of a meteor shower. And it’s been broken at least twice. And at the same time, I feel like it’s just an extension. This gentleman he has short hair that looks like grease slick to the top of his head with Vegeta sighs widow’s peak. It’s basically if you don’t know Vegeta it’s Dragonball Z. And he has the most wicked I

Kalvin 38:31
know that right?

Nick 38:32
You know the most wicked widow’s peak on Earth. This guy is probably what inspired Akira Toriyama to create that. He looks like a fucking idiot. His eyebrows are touching. And it basically just runs into his goddamn nose, which is literally the biggest nose I’ve ever seen on a human being. There’s a side portrait of him. And this shit sticks out farther than his chest. This man had got a little bit

Kalvin 39:00
of Saul Goodman look to him in his younger days.

Nick 39:03
He looks like Napoleon Bonaparte got stretched on the rack.

Kalvin 39:09
But just his face.

Nick 39:10
Honestly. How the fuck did this guy get anyone to marry him? I don’t understand. He’s like Frankenstein’s albino cousin money. Money is a good one.

Kalvin 39:26
Every man got married because they had money back then pretty much.

Nick 39:29
It’s like that kid in college who is you know, gets the chick that’s way out of his league. And then you’re in a, you know, a party with everyone and he busts out the cocaine and you’re like, yep. Now I know why. That’s Martin. That’s not Martin. William Henry Harrison in a nutshell.

Kalvin 39:47
Talking about Tory again here. No,

Nick 39:49
I’m not actually back on him. He was handsome. He

Kalvin 39:56
also had a cocaine problem. Apparently, he’s addicted. I’m sorry now we’re just defaming this Tory fellow for no reason. I don’t know if you have a cocaine problem and I’m sorry you do

Nick 40:08
if you do. So this William Henry Harrison guy, there’s a picture of him and Donald Trump next to each other and like a million check marks on it. Or tally marks. Look at the same time. See, guys if you’re if follow along with this, Google these people and go to Image Search. There’s one of him. This motherfucker had a bun, like a full blown fun.

Kalvin 40:32
I’m good with the man bun.

Nick 40:34
No, it’s not a man bun. It’s like a bun that takes up the entirety of the back of his head. It’s like a dinner he’s Targaryen braid. I bet he had significantly better acting now.

Kalvin 40:47
It would be hard not to.

Nick 40:50
I does

Kalvin 40:52
will kill me This is already dripping with emotion.

Nick 40:55
I love I love that analogy. He’s just it’s dripping.

Kalvin 41:01
just dripping. Yeah. Oh, yeah. See, there’s the bread. Shit. I’m

Nick 41:05

Kalvin 41:06
I might grow one of those. I kind of like it.

Nick 41:08
Don’t you fucking dare. Calvin, don’t you do it? are we

Kalvin 41:13
are we done with Sir William Henry Harris.

Nick 41:16
We’re done. Fuck that Jabari. So we’re moving

Kalvin 41:19
into the 20s we got president number 21 Chester, a Arthur

Nick 41:25
Chester’s or Lester a Arthur.

Kalvin 41:28
Nana molester that we know of just kind of put that out there before we get a defamation lawsuit from the Arthur foundation. his presidency ran from 1881 to 1885. I just kind of randomly chose two single term presidents like I knew it was gonna be Van Buren because the Van Buren boys from Seinfeld. And then I was just looking through the 20s. And I’m like, Chester, he seems like a guy we can make fun of. and turns out we can’t Yeah, don’t worry about

Nick 41:54
easy target, Chester. So to all you listeners, don’t name your kids that

Kalvin 41:59
just a fair warning, Chester. How do we ever elect a guy named Chester?

Nick 42:05
I don’t know we we get a lot of weird fucking idiots.

Kalvin 42:10
So it was a civil war vet, which is nice. He in he enforced the Pendleton civil service Reform Act. So this is what double reverse your reversal from your last guy here where the Pendleton civil service Reform Act mandates that most positions within the federal government should be awarded on the basis of merit instead of political patronage, which again now has been triple reversed and nobody gives a shit.

Unknown Speaker 42:35
It’s just a free for all. Yeah.

Kalvin 42:39
Oh, you tweeted something nice about me. Here you go. Here’s the cabinet position.

Nick 42:42
Yeah, here’s a cabinet. You’re woefully unqualified. But this

Kalvin 42:45
isn’t just like the cabinet and things like that. This is postal workers, you know, any federal employees even on local levels, because apparently there was some corruption going on. The one instance I read up was postal workers, that would be like Star postal routes that people get promoted to based on kissing other people’s asses and not because they were good postal workers. So yeah, there’s a lot of that.

Nick 43:12
What the fuck did they gain from being a good postal.

Kalvin 43:15
And I know new man was trying really hard to be a good postal worker because he wanted to get transferred to Hawaii. Because that’s the mother of all postal routes is Hawaii. But in 1881, that wasn’t going on because Hawaii didn’t exist. I mean, it existed. It just wasn’t American. probably kill you.

Nick 43:33
He showed up there like, Hey, I’m here to deliver a pack.

Kalvin 43:37
Chester also presided over the rebirth of the US Navy.

Nick 43:43
For ships.

Kalvin 43:45
This is post Civil War. So that there they had a lot of these ironclad ships coming on board. There’s there’s a lot of stuff going on in the

Nick 43:50
ships. There was a shitload of stuff going on. I could talk for hours about naval battles in the Civil War. But I digress. Right, he’s like, so let me stop you right there.

Kalvin 44:01
Yeah. He failed to alleviate the federal budget surplus. And just like what the fuck is going on in the 1880s? Like, let’s get a budget surplus going nowadays. Let’s get that money. Go to Burlington Coat Factory. Give us a surplus. Come

Nick 44:15
on, you can get so much. So you’re telling me he failed to eliminate a surplus. We just didn’t spend it. He was like,

Kalvin 44:22
No, they had the surplus leftover from the civil war that nobody since the end of the Civil War had been able to bring down foreigner. So they just kept spending and spending and well, so another one of his problems is they would there was like some river reclamation project that they that was was put over on his desk, right? And he wouldn’t sign it because he thought it was to national base that didn’t include enough local help or whatever. So a lot of things. He was another guy a lot of things came across his desk. He was like, Nah, I’m not gonna do that. See, I’m doing nothing right now. And that seems like I would have to do something. So I’m gonna stick here. Do

Nick 45:07
you see what I’m doing? It’s pretty fucking tight.

Kalvin 45:11
He signed the Chinese Exclusion Act, which put a 10 year ban on Chinese immigration, which I guess that a lot of the issues during Reconstruction from the civil war were blamed on Chinese immigrants. So they want to crack down on Chinese immigration. Anyways, the initial bill was for a 20 year ban on Chinese immigration. he vetoed that one and they came back with a 10 year ban and that’s the one he passed. So it’s like

Nick 45:35
I’ll do half Yeah, hit me with half and I’ll be I want

Kalvin 45:39
to go check

Nick 45:40
that I’ll be Xena. Xena phobic as fuck I don’t even care. I don’t even care just I don’t want to go to war,

Kalvin 45:46
made a super weak effort to secure bid for reelection in 1884 due to his poor health and he just retired at the end of his term. So that was Chester. And like I said, How do we elect to do name Chester The truth is Chester, one of the most cornball last names you could

Nick 46:06
ever have the most widespread and he overcame it somehow.

Kalvin 46:09
Yeah, he overcame it became president but we didn’t elect it. He replaced James A Garfield after Garfield was assassinated four months into his turn.

Nick 46:18
Damn, Garfield was on the heels of William Henry Harrison. Yeah.

Kalvin 46:25
They don’t want any of this this Lincoln shit where they’re in office for two years before they get assassinated. They’re like, I’m in get me now.

Nick 46:31
Just hit me up. Let the club go down. I mean, Chester, let me just say that right now.

Kalvin 46:41
So I Manchester was only the vice president because Garfield wanted a East Coast stalwart is what they’re called, that was like this. As basically, you would compare it to a political action committee or a PAC nowadays. That’s what they were back then. It was like a faction of the Democratic Party. I think they were Democratic Party, maybe Republican. Yeah, Republican Party, sorry. So the East Coast stalwarts or the eastern stalwarts, they were a super powerful faction within the Republican Party. And so the only reason Garfield chose him was so those people would help Garfield out so they would use their sway to get Garfield

Nick 47:24
sounds a little like cheating just saying this cornbread motherfucker

Kalvin 47:33
somewhat and so Garfield was even shot by someone who thought Arthur would then appoint him to a federal position because they had that that same stalwart affiliation. But Arthur did not appoint this guy that shot he’s you know, that

Nick 47:49
was a weird conversation he went on I’ll shoot that motherfucker right now.

Kalvin 47:54
Well, I’m even up to the point of his trial and everything he thought he was going to be pardoned because he claimed to be affiliated with the the eastern stalwarts. Chester’s late now fucking

Nick 48:03
seen him in my life. Yeah, my dude. Oops, sorry. He’s like, Hey, are you gonna kill him? I’ll fucking help you out. I got this sweet pistols.

Kalvin 48:15
Just re Arthur didn’t do a lot. It’s very hard to roast him because he was so nonplussed about everything. But luckily Wikipedia gave me some great rose from his contemporaries. Because other people were more than happy to shoot

Nick 48:33
me with these, you know,

Kalvin 48:35
this is from journalists Andrew Alexander mccluer. No man has ever no man ever entered the presidency so profoundly and widely distrusted as Chester l&r and no one ever retired, more generally generally respected alike by political friend and foe. So everyone hated him when he came in and he’s respected afterwards because he did fucking nothing. He just rolled

Nick 48:58
whatever dude with three first names. I don’t trust it.

Kalvin 49:02
Ricky Bobby, it’s got two first names.

Nick 49:05
I don’t trust that shit.

Kalvin 49:06
Yeah, three first names. Chester,

Nick 49:08
especially Allen Arthur.

Kalvin 49:10
Never trust the guy named Justin.

Nick 49:12
I mean, my Stranger Danger alarms are going off right now.

Kalvin 49:17
So at his death, the New York world which is a newspaper of the time, quoted no duty was neglected in his administration and no adventurous project alarm the nation. He signed papers that were put in front of them but did nothing else Yeah,

Nick 49:31
fuck this guy, is what you’re saying.

Kalvin 49:33
Like no in. In 1935, historian George F. Howe noted that Arthur achieved and obscurity and strange contrast to a significant part in American history.

Nick 49:45
That’s, I mean, that could be conceived as a good thing. I think.

Kalvin 49:50
I think there’s ages nobody fucking remembers it. I didn’t remember him till I read his name on the list of presidents dude. I

Nick 49:54
don’t remember three quarters of the Presidents they just there’s that’s true completely. oblivious to me.

Kalvin 50:03
Also got some some great sideburns going on here too. And I think that is what being a president meant is you had to have the craziest side.

Nick 50:14
You had to have some kind of dope ass facial hair. This dude has

Kalvin 50:18
set you apart from your opponents.

Nick 50:19
Oh, fuck this dude sideburns look like a hippies pubes. Jesus on James

Kalvin 50:25
Corden shit here like that. He is not

Nick 50:29
like dragon shoulders man. The fuck? What do you

Kalvin 50:34
think we need to bring the sideburns back for presidents To be honest, let’s let’s just make that the President presidential thing. And for your four to eight years, you have to try and grow better sideburns than your predecessor. And if at the end of your first four years you haven’t grown better sideburns, you’re out. I don’t care.

Nick 50:48
I mean,

Kalvin 50:51
if you have any more years to set the record on best side, you gotta have a we get

Nick 50:55
to. I mean, I think that definitely helps. That’s why they grew cybers it’s like damn, so my chin is weak as fuck. Let me so what let’s

Kalvin 51:04
say out of our five most recent presidents, who do you think could have grown the best cyber? I think Obama could have had some dope sideburns.

Nick 51:14
I know it’s easy

Kalvin 51:14
to just say Obama’s always gonna be the coolest everything because he’s one of the coolest people ever. Right and Jeff,

Nick 51:20
I think honestly, I think Bill Clinton would have had the dopest sideburns would have

Kalvin 51:26
went on like for if this was a presidential mandate Yeah. Clinton would have went for it Clinton has no shame so like he did just fucking down there with it. He he’d have the Chester A Arthur mixed with the Van Buren sideburns all the way up he’d go like into the the Ron Howard How the Grinch Stole Christmas like the mayor from from that movie. He’d go side by side straight into like the the points up in the middle part. I like that Clinton

Nick 51:56
fucking back then apparently. added all you need is a weak chin and a shit name. In your fucking in like five

Kalvin 52:04
bad names for the presidency.

Nick 52:06
This guy looks like a Bowl champion. He is fucking wack.

Kalvin 52:12
I think we can agree that george w bush would have the worst sideburns.

Nick 52:15
I think they would have been all patchy and should be like, yeah, this is a victory. He

Kalvin 52:19
didn’t say like Hey, girl phobia.

Nick 52:21
No, I just can’t. I can’t I can’t Dude, I’m 27 years old. I still have patches in my fucking facial hair. It’s ridiculous. I can grow great mustache. But you know, no one wants to see a Payless dude with really dark hair. Have a mustache? It just looks weird.

Kalvin 52:39
Shout out Jay from the VCR kids.

Nick 52:41
J my boy. You and me both let’s have a mustache growing contest.

Kalvin 52:47
I mean, he’s already beaten you there cuz he has

Nick 52:49
I can grow a mustache in like three days, like a

Kalvin 52:54
challenge has been laid down

Nick 52:55
has been laid down and I they were part of the butter beer situation too. Right.

Kalvin 53:01
Butter. Okay. That was just no, that was my, my wife sister was the one that confirm that.

Nick 53:08
Okay. Well, I challenge her to a sweet mustache contest. You went? Yes.

Kalvin 53:15
We also had some Chester A Arthur birthers. At the time. His opponents claim that he wasn’t a US citizen and did not live in the US until he was 14. This was disqualified him from being vice president. If it were true. It wasn’t record keeping in the 1800s if he could guess was pretty fucking bad. And his family moved around a lot like within Vermont in New York. So he attended a lot of different schools and just check out last track. Or at least that’s the story The Arthur’s are going

Nick 53:42
well. I mean, he’s the most underwhelming person I’ve ever seen. So then again, he’s very underwhelmed. So don’t you remember me? No, I don’t.

Kalvin 53:51
I think the best thing you could say about Chester A Arthur is that he was efficient at doing his job. He was so great at supplying armies moving through New York during the Civil War, that they just kept promoting him and promoting him higher and higher class, just because he always kept the deliveries on time. Everybody liked working with him. He was just so great at doing that shit. He was an absolute monster when raising campaign funds for his campaign or other party members. Like before he was running for president. He would help out the party and getting people elected and raising funds. He was also so good at his position in the customs office, that he was able to earn a salary higher than the president over $50,000 based on commissions that he got off of imports. So at the time, whoever these customs officials were if they were the one facilitating the import, they got a commission off of that. And he was so good at and everybody liked working with him so much that he rate that he his normal position paid 60 $500 a year he only earned over $50,000 a year doing that job

Nick 54:54
Jesus that does that sound okay? That sounds not good.

Kalvin 55:00
He’s just efficient man. People

Nick 55:02
like working. Yeah, he’s fingers. You know, he’s a fishin. Yeah. And

Kalvin 55:07
the worst thing you could say about Chester A Arthur is also that he was efficient at doing his job. And that seems to be all that there was to him just get the job done adequate

Nick 55:17
and make a load of money. Yeah,

Kalvin 55:20
it’s really great for like your accountant or if you’re supplying the militia in New York, but when you’re president, you gotta have a little bit more gusto. Mostly just a pencil pusher. If he was told to sign something, he’d sign it Damn. And he’d do it quicker than any other president. Unless

Nick 55:33
it was war. He’d be like, No,

Kalvin 55:36
I was Van Buren that would avoid war. Well, I

Nick 55:37
mean, they I mean, they’re all buddies. They have the

Kalvin 55:40
sideburns. That’s true. sideburn Bros

Nick 55:43
for life.

Kalvin 55:45
But if something like really needed to happen, he wasn’t gonna be the one to do it. Like he’s not the guy you call in an emergency.

Nick 55:50
Most of these guys aren’t. Most of them are just fucking weak chin bitches.

Kalvin 55:56
All right, let’s go to your last. Unless you got something else on Manchester. I

Nick 56:00
don’t other than fuck him.

Kalvin 56:03
And fuck jesters all over the world. Yeah. Either Chester and you’re listening this unsubscribe until you change your name.

Nick 56:10
Why would you go through your life introducing yourself as Chester, because my first thought, which is? Yeah, surprisingly, so he had at least political experience. He, he really just grovelled a lot and sucked mad about a dick. And he he made it to the top. He he was a war vet. So this guy. You know, he had a deferment, because he was a birthright Quaker. So religious exemption. But he he volunteered for the Navy and basically just dealt with logistics. He took the easiest route he possibly could like this dude did nothing when he was overseas. But he still went overseas so he can claim war veteran status. He was elected, elected as a congressman in California’s 12th district, after his opponent couldn’t be defeated because of all the infighting within his party. So a group of 100 republicans got together and elected this bitch asked motherfucker, because he was handsome, and a good speaker. That’s pretty much what it came down to. And he fucking hated communism.

Kalvin 57:23
And that’s what you need to know America is

Nick 57:24
awesome. But communism did Oh, he was like the king of, you know, working up the anti communism fervor. He just, he dropped it all the time. So in 49, he begins to consider running for senate as a, you know, against the Democratic incumbent enters the race, and basically just has the shittiest primary Battle of his life. But he sent out this this little thing, and it was called a pink sheet. And it was distributed by his campaign suggesting that the guy who was running against voting record was similar to that of a New York Congressman, who many believe to be communists and

Kalvin 58:07
commie so

Nick 58:10
this commies so sons of bitches. So Nixon, of course, won in a landslide by nearly 20 percentage points, but this is where his stupid fucking nickname comes into play. He was known as tricky dick, which just makes me think of STDs. I don’t know why. It’s a tricky dick.

Kalvin 58:34
Yeah, tricky ticket. It’s not a big ticket.

Nick 58:37
He’s got that. Yeah, tricky Duke Energy. And eventually he became Eisenhower’s Vice President, Vice President, mostly because he was young, like really hated communism. And that was publican, hailing from there. Surprisingly, this dude actually accomplished a decent amount of stuff that we appreciate today. He created the EPA. He signed Title Nine, banning gender based discrimination and education. He only thinks that these are all good things, but I’ll get to the punchline. He he desegregated schools peacefully lowered the age of voting to 18. But he had this one major mistake and it was like a hinge point for this man. You kind of missed

Kalvin 59:21
something here. No, we’re not there yet. presided over the moon land.

Nick 59:26
Well, I wasn’t there yet.

Kalvin 59:27
Oh, well, you were going to his shitty things. I thought you were doing all those good things for Oh, no.

Nick 59:33
This is in the heat of the moment.

Kalvin 59:36
All right, sorry.

Nick 59:36
Anyway, he presided over the moon landing.

Kalvin 59:39
He didn’t. I didn’t say that. Everybody forgot I said that.

Nick 59:42
No, he presided over. He did. He did everyone. But he made a major fucking mistake that really came back to bite them in the ass. So Lyndon Baines Johnson who really did have big dick energy that guy

Kalvin 59:57
saw him is like walk around with a phone opt out to from what i

Nick 1:00:00
mean he literally would insert into every sins like Nixon does with communism, how big his dick is, which is not okay.

Kalvin 1:00:08
He got it, flaunt it, Nick.

Nick 1:00:10
I mean, you got to flaunt it, like fucking hating communism. I hate it, Calvin. So this guy, Johnson was, you know, bringing the Vietnam War to a close, he was bringing peace talks to the forefront. And Nixon basically went to the opposition and said, hold out for a better deal, which never came, because he wanted to be the one that that ended the Vietnam War. And it basically was viewed as such at the time period, but because of this fucking guy, 20,000 Americans died as well as a beat of Vietnamese, a million Vietnamese people, because he stretched out the war. And he also called Kent State, you know, the students there. I’m sure you know of it. Everyone knows that the students at Kent State, he called them bums for protesting the Vietnam War. Call them goddamn communists. And then it really started calling like communists. He literally did. He called his wife communists. He’s like, bitch, this fucking one ply toilet paper is awfully communist, you better give me the good shit, or else. I’ll give you the communist just stop Ooh. But everyone knows. Nixon was involved in the Watergate scandal. He was the first and only president to resign because people from his party broke into the DNC, you know, offices to install wiretapping devices and basically help rig an election. And while he did not order it, he knew all about it and was completely complicit in it. And this man just went off the god damn rails. He went insane with his anti communist and paranoid bullshit.

Kalvin 1:02:00
Fucking decided over the moon landing. Its fate count fell. That’s true. He He helped Stanley Kubrick record the moon landing.

Nick 1:02:10
He did. He’s like Stanley. Are you a commie? And he, you know Stanley was like, Nah, fam. I’m not a fucking commie. And he’s like, Alright, cool. But also I got this job this

Kalvin 1:02:19
that was just Nixon in a spacesuit. We all know what

Nick 1:02:23
it was tricky dick in a spacesuit. There you go. I mean, Illuminati.

Kalvin 1:02:28
Except we probably just started like a real conspiracy theory here.

Nick 1:02:32
Or did we? Probably.

Kalvin 1:02:35
I hope so. weird shit all the time. I really do hope so. If that’s you heard it here first. Buzz Aldrin doesn’t exist. Richard Nixon was actually the one in the spacesuit.

Nick 1:02:45
And he didn’t land on the moon the old tricky dick. And that’s why he got the nickname because they planned it. Way back when?

Kalvin 1:02:53
Because everybody was a communist. I mean,

Nick 1:02:58
how do you call college students who got shot up fucking? Yeah, but you know, fuck them. They were

homies, have you

Kalvin 1:03:07
seen the rhetoric around the Black Lives Matter movement from

Nick 1:03:11

You know,

Kalvin 1:03:17
going on there, do

Nick 1:03:17
you make a super fair point there cows.

Kalvin 1:03:21
It’s more these people are doing something I don’t like so I’m gonna call them a word that other people don’t like. Like Safeway. Yeah. So that way, people who don’t really want to read the full article get scared. That’s what happened.

Nick 1:03:36
Yeah. And if you look at this man’s picture, he when he was a young man, he was actually strikingly handsome. But then he just he hit like a but uh, I mean, the man photographs well, and black and white. What can I say? But, but then he hit he hit like a time period in his late 40s, early 50s where he just began to look like a Chucky doll brought to life. He looks plastic, and his smile.

Kalvin 1:04:10
He could have used some sideburns I think to take away from like his weird hairstyle. It was

Nick 1:04:14
I mean, the high and tight is is a okay with me. But his smile is deeply unnerving. I cannot stand it for the simple fact. His eyes are dead. And his teeth are just like staring at you. I don’t like it. I don’t fucking like it, man. And obviously, I go in on his nose. But everyone knows that Richard Nixon, where he went had a fucking bozos style honker on his shit and jack was like a fucking Bulldog.

I am not a crook.

Kalvin 1:04:49
That’s really why you want to pay into the year just wait in your team that much. I was thinking of the head

Nick 1:04:53
in the jar in Futurama the entire time. spot on when this guy The best liar i think i’ve ever heard of in my entire life. If you watch his concession speech, or his resignation speech, it’s fascinating how well this man is lying to the camera. And just like nodding along the guests, I’m getting away with it. It’s so great.

Kalvin 1:05:20
To be fair,

all the election rigging doesn’t matter if you don’t participate in the election.

Nick 1:05:28
I mean, okay.

Kalvin 1:05:31
In hindsight, you know, there’s that. Yeah. He can get away with anything because all that information is meaningless if he’s not actually gonna

Nick 1:05:42
run for president. I mean, he was president.

Kalvin 1:05:46
Right, but he was spying to help him in the next election, which he never actually he listened

Nick 1:05:51
spy. Let’s be fair. Well, his party and everyone around him

Kalvin 1:05:57
whatever was going on that Forrest Gump saw across the road

Nick 1:06:01
for us.

Kalvin 1:06:06
Let’s not even start fuck that guy.

All right, so let’s real quick

on my man, Joe, my man, Joe. his presidency will run from 2021 until 2074. He’s just going to live forever. I

Nick 1:06:23
mean, he’s still He’s the oldest man ever to be president. It’s fucking saying something.

Kalvin 1:06:30
Yeah, I’m feeling another single termer here for for my man. I mean, absolutely. Which is fine. Because among his accomplishments, most importantly, is he’s not Donald Trump. I’m

Nick 1:06:42
totally okay with that. I would like someone who’s not angry all the time. And is very, like calm and Mr. Rogers esque. I’ll take it. Yeah, he just sometimes. He just strikes me as

Kalvin 1:06:58
he gets us look. Yeah, I

Nick 1:07:00
guess it’s like, it’s all that angry looking for a second when it’s like, he doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on? He’s

like, ah.

Oh, yeah. Humans, you do human things like drink water and

Donald Trump is up.

Kalvin 1:07:20
That’d be awesome. I just, I’m Joe Biden. I’m not all Trump. Donald Trump is a bitch. Like

Nick 1:07:27
they go to fucking he goes to put his hand on the Bible. Or do Catholics use Bibles? Yeah. Okay. So he goes to put his hand on the Bible opens it. There’s a microphone inside. He pulls it out. Donald J. Trump is a bitch. And I bang milania drops the mic fucking walks off stage. launches a walk in

Kalvin 1:07:49
Russian cookie roll with you say a player but I fucked your wife.

Nick 1:07:54
And she ain’t bad. said you will play but a fucked up. I mean, I mean, I’ll give it to Joe. I mean, he’s, he’s not that much older than than Donald J.

Kalvin 1:08:08
I missed that first line of keep thinking Hail Mary. I know it’s not that

Nick 1:08:14
it’s a Tupac song.

Kalvin 1:08:16
I know. It’s the fucking Dessau. I can’t think of what it’s called.

Nick 1:08:20
I don’t know we’ve done like nine diss songs especially with Biggie and pop, but I missed

Kalvin 1:08:26
I missed the line. It’s Fuck you and the click you claim not to click you run with so sorry about all that to the Tupac fans and even more sorry that I can’t think of the name of the song because all that secondly, hit him up and hit him up. Thank you. Oh, I had Hail Mary stuck in my head and then I had who shot you stuck in my head. And it was I knew it was neither of those hit him up.

Tell him you play. That still exists. Let me ask you Joe Biden’s gonna say.

Nick 1:08:53
I would I would be totally okay with that. For a man that’s been in the Senate for 46 years. 46. And he’s done nothing. He’s very sleepy.

Kalvin 1:09:06
senators are known for single handedly doing things.

Nick 1:09:09
Oh, yeah. They just change the entire course of the United States. Not presidents. That’s not their job. They give perfect speeches. And don’t incite anything.

Kalvin 1:09:18
No. And honestly, after what we’ve just been through, it’ll be nice to have a comment. Like he said, calming presence in the White House. So common fact that we’re gonna have to get a new cabinet position in there just to like, check his pulse every hour.

Nick 1:09:30
He’s gonna have a support dog. Oh, that’d

Kalvin 1:09:33
be nice.

Nick 1:09:34
The Cabinet of good boy.

Kalvin 1:09:35
The first pop. Yeah, the first pub.

Nick 1:09:37
I love it. It’s fucking awesome. And it has to be some weird, weird breed. St. Bernard.

Kalvin 1:09:48
Joe Biden can’t walk a St. Bernard.

Nick 1:09:50
I mean, it would. It would probably kill him. You’ve seen Beethoven. I have but you St. Bernards are so great. I had one my My brother in law has St. Bernard and my daughter’s literally read in her job and probably weighs like 65 pounds there’s not much to that man. He could write a St. Bernard alright I can’t even mean that’s all I’m thinking about now think I can’t even roast this man he’s a mythological being

Kalvin 1:10:20
somebody who’s gonna Photoshop and happens to be listening get us a Photoshop of Joe Biden Ryan a St Bernard please

Nick 1:10:26
and giving thumbs up like he really needs to be giving no he’s

Kalvin 1:10:29
got a hold on Nick

Nick 1:10:30
Yeah for dear life because it’s going like four miles an hour

Kalvin 1:10:33
crazy here

Nick 1:10:34
way too fast.

Like mentioned Joe Biden like after every fucking bite of a meal he takes He’s like, Oh, it’s very good.

Kalvin 1:10:46
Here’s the picture I’m thinking of you find a picture of somebody riding one of those like mall or ride along little bumpy things you know? Just go up and down. You find that picture your you replaced a little right you put the quarter in your place there were a little rider with St. Bernard and replace whatever kid is on it with Joe Biden. That’s the picture I want to see. I will come up a big with a big smile on his face. smile smile.

Nick 1:11:09
Yeah. And those aviators. It was god damn aviators.

Kalvin 1:11:14
Shout out Joe Biden. Congratulations. You know you had to steal it. But

Nick 1:11:21
you are literally the oldest person in the world to ever steal anything. So be happy about now

Kalvin 1:11:26
that that’s not true. Old people steal shit all the time. Seinfeld has taught me anything. It’s that old people steal shit.

Nick 1:11:33
As a former Macy’s asset protection detective, I can confirm this. And they always put it in their titties.

For you

Kalvin 1:11:45
for listening to this great episode.

Nick 1:11:47
Let me finish this off. These deserve to know Calvin, of the three older women that I detained. They had all the merchandise in their boobs and we’re like, no, you’re not getting near these floppy things. Fuck yeah,

Kalvin 1:12:01
that’s what I want to do with my day.

Nick 1:12:02
I just said you know what, ma’am, you’re right. Or I just called my manager. I’m like, it’s time for you to handle this, buddy. There you go. I feel like they did it on purpose. Cuz I’m so handsome. That’s it.

Kalvin 1:12:15
I just need to be felt up.

All right, and roll. My

Nick 1:12:17
mom told me so. You have to felt apart. But I’m really handsome.

Kalvin 1:12:24
Thank you for listening to this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. It had some good laughs at some of these presidents, especially Chester every Chester deserves a good Laster. Check us out on Twitter at APA something adult and underscore podcast. We have a YouTube channel out there. So if you’re insane, like Nick and like, listen to podcasts on YouTube, go over there and check us out. We’re there. All the past episodes are there. I even put everything the first 150 are in a playlist in release order because they uploaded in some funky order because they use an application to upload it and they just went however they went. So there’s playlists there that’s in release order for the first 150 after that, they just come out in order so you’ll have to deal with it.

Nick 1:13:07
I mean, and Calvin’s, like the most organized spreadsheet kind of guy,

Kalvin 1:13:11
like three weeks, I’ll go in there and I’ll start making a second playlist of like the release order of the next one.

Nick 1:13:17
You know, it’s gonna be like a curated cheese and red wine pairing. And

Kalvin 1:13:21
there’ll be like a, there’ll be like a Harry Potter playlist. There’ll be a Seinfeld playlist, we’ll have Game of Thrones playlist.

Nick 1:13:29
Of all the good stuff. Don’t

Kalvin 1:13:30
have time for all that somebody else wants to do that go right ahead.

Nick 1:13:33
Not it. Not it

might be down to do it. As long as it doesn’t involve you know.

Kalvin 1:13:44
They would have to do something now that goes against their style.

Nick 1:13:47
Yeah, we don’t fuck with doing things. I’m against all of it.

Kalvin 1:13:52
thank you as always to those cats. You guys

Nick 1:13:54
stay sassy. Stay classy.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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