Presidential fatigue is real, similar to the way the world felt about Justin Bieber, Pamela Anderson, or Flava Flav. So, naturally, the way to move past those feelings is to roast the position, the accolades, the ups, and the downs, as well as the man himself. That’s right, Kalvin and Nick are here to Roast the (former) Presidents of the United States. No, not the most recent one (although we still take a few shots), but some of his predecessors who may boast a nose of epic proportions or an attempted BDM that didn’t quite pan out leading to premature death! We round robbin through the 10s, ’20s, ’30s, and ’40s of presidential eras, putting our own unique spin on what four different presidents brought to the table, and the crumbs they may have left behind.
Full Episode Transcript Below:
Each week we dive deep into whatever it is we find interesting. I’m your host, Calvin and joining me. I don’t really want to say Washington, Washington DC right now because I could have a bad connotation. I don’t know. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It’s your co host, Nick Richardson.
I mean, that’s tie with me, dude. It’s
the original capital.
Right? And it’s, it’s the City of Brotherly Love. But people can be kind of dicks and mildly aggressive. But the food here is,
it’s always sunny there,
too. It’s Always Sunny there. And I mean, it’s been for at least 15 seasons.
Yeah. At least. We The reason that Nick is in our nation’s capital, and not current capitals, because it’s a little dangerous in the current capital. So we went with the closest one, but we’re gonna attempt to do a roast of some former presidents.
Yeah, a little levity in this time of depravity.
Yeah, we’re gonna we’re gonna try to keep it light. We’ve each chosen two presidents. And we’re going to kind of discuss first who they are. Maybe some of their accomplishments, and then we’ll just proceed to roast the shit out of them as well as we can.
And just so you folks are aware, we will not be roasting Donald J. Trump.
Yes, I will. Try again, not to say his name. But I was getting there.
I mean, I think I’ll just say he’s not the Boogey Man. And the orange fella has lost its flavor.
Perhaps the most Roseville president ever we’re not
thinking about these literally every, every time it’s like, Fuck, I backed myself into a corner here. I just oh,
there may be some sideways jabs at him though. But I in my feeling, there’s just enough controversy surrounding him right now that we’re just gonna steer all the way clear of it. Because more than anything, we’re trying to make this fun. And if we piled it on now, it would just kind of border on sad and angry. And that’s not what we’re here for. By the time this is releases, we will be on the verge of the inauguration. It’s gonna release two days before the inauguration of President Elect Joe Biden. So we wanted to do something fun around that idea and not just sit here for an hour bashing the current incumbent. For that, check out like literally 67% of political podcast.
Oh, yeah. No doubt. No doubt. It’s it’s getting a little old. Plus, all these guys are dead, and they can’t wield the long dick of the law to come after you.
Yeah. And so one person that talked about is not gonna be dead, because we will be doing a slight roast on Joe Biden at the end.
Yeah, gotta include the new incoming president here. He’s the only one that’s alive. You know how alive he is is debatable. But we’ll get to that when we get to.
Fucking sleepy Joe. That is one of the best nicknames of all time. I’m sorry. Yeah.
I mean, it’s it’s solid. And
it’s solid. It’s solid, Nick.
We don’t want to be too harsh on Joe. We I mean, we got a lot to look forward to with him.
Calvin, this is a roast. Gonna leave that shit at the door. Just let it let it flow through you. We have two bros these men. Alright.
So we went with do the voice or tried to pick the president in the zero through 10 range 10 through 2020 through 30 and 30 through 40. And then obviously 46 at the end. So we’re getting all the not really decades but different generation generations presence. There we go. So my first president that I picked is our country’s eighth president Martin Van Buren. He was the president from 1837 to 1841. Among his accomplishments, he founded the Democratic Party, which is interesting,
get the fuck out of here, but
it was kind of like a it was kind of like a break off. He kind of destroyed the democratic republican party and built it into his own image. Right.
So come on, I’m gonna crash this car and motorcycle
and Andrew Jackson together. Yeah, basically, that’s what they did is they took all leftover and we’re like, no, this is a new thing. Now, we’re not that other thing.
And you can’t have it. It’s mine. He this I
don’t know if this is an accomplishment, but it’s definitely something that happened. he presided over the Panic of 1837 which is not a great thing to be tied to.
I don’t think as I laugh about it
in in May of 1836 Seven state banks in New York refused to convert paper money to gold or silver because their hard currency reserves are low. So several financial institutions around the nation did same thing. This led to a five year economic depression in which banks failed and unemployment reached record highs. But luckily for Martin Van Buren, my boy, we’ve now had three much worse depression. So no one ever talks about the Panic of 1837 Congrats,
note hansy laughter Yeah, it’s like, oh, you’re cute panic. Get out of town.
We’ve had a great depression, a great recession. And whatever the hell we’re in the middle of right now. So take my whole life. Yeah. Well, I don’t think you were alive during the Great Depression.
Well, yeah. I don’t know. Was I I don’t know.
He’s mortal whose first language wasn’t English. His first language is Dutch.
It’s interesting. Why was it Dutch?
Like I read about it, but I don’t fucking remember. His his parents were Dutch immigrants or something like that.
It’s probably something like he learned his father.
Abraham will know his native language was Dutch. Yeah, so he couldn’t have learned that.
Well, such a Manimal that he was into chicks and his homeland of America.
His father Abraham, was a descendant of Cornelius Mason, a native of bermel son Netherlands, who had emigrated to New Netherland in 1631 and purchased a plot of land on Manhattan Island. So there you go. His grandfather was from the Netherlands and the Dutch just got passed down to generations apparently
like my story better.
Yeah. Trying to bone a chick straight out a little.
Hey, I said he was five. fuckin early riser.
Here’s another great thing he did great and heavy quotations here. He attempted to restore the two party system with the Federalists and the democratic Republicans. That was with the help of Andrew Jackson as well. VAN BUREN believe that these national parties helped ensure that elections were decided on national rather than sexual or local issues, as he put it party attachment, in former times furnished a complete antidote for sexual prejudices. And now, we just have a mess. So thank you, Martin. Manveer. Great job. Thanks,
Marty. Marty VB.
Marty van butts.
election of 1836 helped establish the second party system. By the end of the election cycle, almost all political factions have been absorbed by the democratic and the Whig parties. He was pushed into the presidency by Andrew Jackson because he wanted Andrew Jackson basically just wanted to continue controlling things. So he needed a puppet. And here comes the old Sly Fox as they call Martin Van Buren.
As one does, too. I mean, that is politics. You know, you have to have your puppets and your fucking do gooders and your fall guys.
Yeah. Martin Van Buren was a perfect example of that. During the election cycle, the Whig Party attempted to negatively frame Van Buren as an abolitionist to try and sway votes on a bad thing to be an abolitionist.
Oh, my God, like it’s bad thing to be anti fascist. Oh, my God.
Well, I mean, it’s 1837. So So war hadn’t happened yet. I just thought that was interesting. But in actuality, our good friend Marty here. He posed abolitionists and made promises to keep slavery in states where it already existed to secure Southern votes. So he was just like, yeah, whatever you guys want. I’m there for I’m a lying piece of shit.
How about that?
He thought slavery was immoral, but it was sanctioned by the Constitution so that he that’s where he stood is like, yeah, you guys can do this, but you should.
But I don’t care. I mean, the Constitution says, guys. I live and die. But
yeah, he’s got some more low lights here. he presided over the Trail of Tears, which if you remember your American history, that is the Native American relocation in the 1830s. He apparently had reached 19 treaties with Indian tribes in 1838. He ordered the forcible removal of all the tribes who had not yet complied. Move them all to Oklahoma. That’s where you get your trail of tears. Yeah, the Cherokee were herded violently into internment camps when the relocation was stalled by intense heat and drought. And the government was supposed to supply wagons, rations, medical doctors, just nothing. Oh, of course. 1000 people were relocated against their will and many died.
That is fucking terrible.
Yes, Martin Van Buren, great prep. He, he couldn’t quite complete the annexation of Texas or actually sorry. He didn’t try to because he wanted to avoid a war with Mexico and didn’t want to deal with any slavery tensions that would arise by annex in Texas. Would it be in the south would it be non slaveholding all that stuff. He just didn’t want to deal with it. So he just didn’t fucking do it.
That’s one option. So
does Right. Yeah. He opposed the Americans involvement in Canada’s revolution against the British. So he didn’t want anything to do with that either. And anyone he caught helping the Canadians got arrested or, you know, whatever the fuck they did back in the 1830s burned at the stake like they were which.
Yeah, I mean, it’s only tight when we do it. Fuck Canada, they can’t do it.
It so it wasn’t that Canada can’t do it. He just didn’t want to be involved in it. That’s a that’s a Ryan affair with my boy, Marty Bambi is uh, he just didn’t want to do anything. Anything that may have resulted in a war. He’s just like, Nah, fuck it. I’m good. And pretty much in the 1830s. Pretty much anything you said or did would, could potentially result in a war?
So what do you think of this Martin?
Not my man. The Sly Fox. He was not full of anything. He was just there. Good for him.
Fuck it, use that. He’s like that one politician from Parks and Rec. It’s like a robot. But the great smile. You know which one I’m talking about? It’s in the fifth season. Yeah,
I can see Oh, yeah, that Ben goes and works for his campaign. I can see it in my head. But I couldn’t place him in the actual Parks and Rec office. I’m like, Wait, who was that? Like that? It? That’s right. It wasn’t there. It was when Ben went and worked in Washington. I get this fucking Marty. That’s funny. Maybe? Yep. Hello. Yes, I can do that. Is it gonna cause war? No. All right. Yeah, we can do it. Oh, will cause war. Yeah, nevermind. We’re not gonna do that. That’s Martin Van Buren.
beautiful day outside no war.
vanburen viewed abolitionism as the greatest threat to national unity.
The fuck is wrong with this guy? Are you serious?
Yes, he resisted even the slightest interferences with slavery in the US. He also presided over the almost odd case, which there’s a movie called Alma starred with Morgan Freeman, or some other Korean actors, that that this is all based on. But basically, there was a revolt on a Spanish schooner. That’s a type of naval ship named la Amistad, Spain. And the revolt that was a slave ship, slaves revolted, took over the ship, I believe landed somewhere in the United States, Spain, one of their slaves back. They wanted all those guys back, US federal district court ruled that they are now free men and could just return home which I mean, I don’t know that they have How the hell are they going to get back to Africa or wherever they came from? I’m confused there. But you know, that’s fine. I got to watch out apparently,
he’s still another schooner.
Yeah, it’s like two hours and 40 minutes long.
Yeah, it’s been on my list for a long time. Just like I can’t. It’s too much to watch like a slave movie for that long live movies. Are
they so our man? That’s why they show everyone roots in fucking Middle School.
They’re like, Yeah, really good to a glory. It’s it’s really good and really interesting. It’s just very hard to watch, because it’s just brutal throughout the 12 years of slave, same thing. It’s
just like, never watched it. And I don’t know if I will.
That’s pretty good.
I’ve I’ve heard that, but I’ve just heard some horrible shit that’s done and said in that movie. It’s like, man, I just watch that.
Yeah, it’s a rough watch. So the federal district court ruled that their Freeman Van Buren steps in he appealed the case all the way to the Supreme Court because he agreed that they should still belong to Spain. He I guess he probably didn’t want to go to war with Spain over the slaves.
He’s like, no, no. I mean, he’s people’s sovereignty.
That’s not important. They’re not people.
He loses in the Supreme Court to one john quincy adams comm a retirement to represent the slaves. They were deemed free and allowed to return home. The homicide case drew attention to the personal tragedies of slavery and attracted new support for the growing abolition movement in the north. It also transformed transformed the courts into the principle forum for the national debate on the legal foundations of slavery. So he accomplished something. He got slavery cases escalated, basically to supreme court level just because he’s a dumb ass it thought that these people should be people. Because he thought he was fucking right. And it turns out he’s just a dick. Well, no, he just didn’t want to go to war Spain.
Yeah, let’s be real. Yeah, fuck. I mean, I’m,
I’m telling you, I read through this whole Wikipedia page. Anything that came across is that that there was half a thought that it could lead to war. He was like, Nah, whatever we can do to avoid war. I’m out of it.
It’s like, hey, Marty. So Nah. Well, I mean, I just got Nah, I mean, seriously, we listen. We got this off with that. Just
somebody you’re trying to go to war with us? I don’t know.
I don’t declare. To get you fucking lost. I can’t Yeah, I’m sure they didn’t talk like they were. Well, I was gonna say in Old English. Get the fuck out of my office. With that bullshit war stuff, I don’t want any of that. No, I’ve never been in a fight. Why do you ask?
Boom, roasted. He ran for reelection in 1840 1844 and 1848 lost all three. They weren’t particularly close either
students a fucking bomb. Yeah.
He’s a fucking whack. But I wonder how old john quincy adams was to come out of retirement and still wipe the floor with this.
So here’s our second president right in this guy’s 1980s. So that’s like, 80 years later, he’s
doing this he was old as fuck. So I mean, this guy is probably like going through all kinds of gout and renal failure and all this stuff
with the Adams Jr. or something. And I just missed that. But yeah, it made a specific point of saying, john quincy adams.
Yeah, I don’t want to scroll
through the whole thing to find them again. But
I don’t think he had john quincy adams, Jr. I don’t know. I think john adams was the junior
potential. I didn’t study him for this. I studied Martin Manveer. Jesus, in 1848. in that election, he switched sides by running an anti slavery campaign. Now he’s all for letting people be people. So way to go.
He’s like, Oh, this is what they like. Alright,
so here you go. received no electoral votes in 1848. But 10.1% of the popular vote, which was the largest margin by a third party candidate up to that point, so he was a third party in 1848. And just got no electoral and that’s when they’re, like, 17 electoral votes for real.
It’s, everyone’s just like, hey, Marty. No, no, I was like, dang it. You know,
I don’t want to go to war with you guys about this. But seriously, he was by far the best of all the worst losers, so good job money, man.
I wonder what it says on his headstone. It’s like literally lost at fucking everything. Mark Van Buren, Marty Phoebe,
a lot of times he didn’t even try a lot. That’s why he didn’t you know, if you try to lose,
if he doesn’t have like a nerf basketball hoop on the back of his headstone. I don’t even know. You’re right. I don’t even know if I can do this. Oh, wait, wait
till we get to my next pick. Because he may have been a bigger loser than my boy MVP here.
I did. I think I might have you beat.
Oh, we’re gonna see. But most importantly, for Van Buren was that he had a new york city street gang named after him who secret sign was eight fingers because he was a president Van Buren boys.
That is, that is dumb as fuck
the amount of noise and listeners who haven’t seen Seinfeld, it’s most likely not a real thing. There was an episode of Seinfeld, that Kramer and George both got in some trouble with the Van Buren boys. And Kramer got out of it because he was holding the holding the salt shaker. In one hand, he had eight fingers, so they thought he was a former member, but George couldn’t get out of it. He had some issues with the fanboys.
Did they? You know, asked him to fist fight. And then when he was like, okay, they were like, Nah, man, I don’t do that thing.
I hate it.
explain it. So George was he’s in charge of this foundation, he has to give someone a scholarship. And he meets this kid. And he’s like a regular kid, instead of like one of the smarty pants kids that he’s been interviewing all day. And he’s like, I’m gonna give it to him. Because he claims to want to be an architect, which is something George always pretended to want to be. And then he changed his mind decides he wants to be a city planner. And so George takes a scholarship away from it. And so this kid, Steven corn, he goes and joins the Van Buren boys. And then they try and shake George down, because George took the scholarship away. And they want him to get the scholarship back,
in shakey down the beam beer invoice.
And as George George tried to say it was a forum member, and they don’t believe him. So they asked him for the secret sign and can’t figure it out. And he does like this weird thing. And then they asked him to bug somebody and he can’t bug anybody. It’s a whole thing. Eventually, Jerry’s parents walked by and he tries to like, talk them into pretending to be mugged, and it doesn’t work out.
No shit. I kind of got a little
bit away from us, George. So it all comes back to Seinfeld. That’s why I had to choose Martin Van Buren just so we could go to the Van Buren boys. And more notably, I’m looking at his picture now, he probably should have been called Martin Van sideburns. Like this dude has the baddest ass sideburns I’ve ever seen. They’re just all over the place. And he lost. He lost his reelection to the Whig Party nominee, William Henry Harrison, who we’re going to talk about soon, I think. And I just kind of say how do you lose an election to someone whose entire platform is based on fake hair. These Whig Party guys, that’s all they care about. VAN BUREN is a bald guy standing up tall for his bald justices. And just as his disdain for the Whig Party is so strong that he grows as much hair as possible all over his head, other than on the Top to be like, I don’t need a fucking wig. Look at this shit on
the side of my head. See this shit? It’s like a broom. I can fucking clean house
will fuck dude. That’s why, you know the next guy, Harry Harrison. He’s just thrown in Van Buren His face is like you like them apples, bitch. There was a I’m looking at a photo of Martin Van Buren as a younger man. And he’s a redhead. And that makes so much sense. He looks like he’s 12 and he’s bald. He’s already got the sideburns. But he’s already bald. He looks fucking tall.
And very creepy.
He literally looks like a fucking Hannibal Lecter.
He’s like, yeah,
I’m fava bean. But don’t try to go to war with me.
Yeah, no, no, if you’re gonna fight back then just go. Yes, sir. I don’t eat your face that badly.
I don’t even I don’t even want it anymore.
Also nicknamed little van, he just seemed like the biggest wimp ever. Like, that’s what it felt like to me, as I’m reading through this. Like I said anything on the table that may have led to war. He just do nothing or Wait, wait it out, try and figure out a way to work it out that didn’t involve war, which, like, I guess that’s a good thing. You want to use diplomatic relations. But it seemed like every decision he made was just like, well, if we do that, it might cause a war. So I’m not going to do that. yet. No fight even like it definitely will cause war. So I’m not gonna do it’s like, well, that might piss somebody off. So we don’t want to make anything that everyone mad. And the other thing he did a lot to appease the slaveholders who helped elect him in his first election. So he kind of had these blinders on to the growing and progressive movement of abolitionism because he didn’t want to piss them off either. So it doesn’t want to go to war with anyone. He doesn’t want to piss off the slaveholders. It just sounds really, really familiar. Kind of like, you know, might even be recent going on.
Yeah, some more legacy stuff.
Let’s Let’s have some blinders on to anything progressive, because that’s because
change is scary. And he felt the same way. And you know, back in the back at that time, if people called you a little van, you fucking had duels over that shit.
where a woman was five, six, so he was a little
Well, I mean, at least he’s harder to shoot. There’s that. That that could have been like his calling card his fucking saving graces. He’s a mad duelist with YuGiOh cards.
There we go.
You want to do all bro? Little Marty VB
that’s Marty VB in a nutshell,
you would fit in a nutshell.
Little van. Well,
this guy I don’t know. I can’t really say much else about this guy, but he’s just kind of a fucking do we eat? Yeah, it’s like your bastard.
It’s hard to roast somebody. That’s pathetic.
Well, fuck, how do you how do you inspire the population as this little five foot six hobbit man who is bald? has the most wicked sideburns. But you know, at the time, I’m gonna say that’s he was starting to get that in vogue. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if Marty Vep actually started sideburns, which fuck him for that? Because sideburns. I’m looking
at them right now. And he’s got some mad sideburns going on.
Maybe? Well, I mean, he got torn to shreds by that dude. In the fucking court.
He’s like, so that’s why I looked at him. He he would have been 70 ish years old at the time of that. The Amistad case that is old as fuck.
Oh my god.
Especially in the 1800s Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I mean, that’s, that’s probably like talking to Ozzy Osborne. And he’s still fucking lost to that guy.
Yeah, it’s like using a court case to
Ozzy Osborne, or losing a court case to sly Stallone after Expendables five. Like, you know what, john quincy, you’re fucking right. My man.
Who we got next, Nick.
We got this fucking punk bastard. William Henry Harrison, who just, you know, not vibing with him. He was the ninth president overall. And he surprisingly, had it had it pretty much laid out for him that he was going to be a president in some regard. He’s the son of a founding father, at the time in the 18, you know, early 1800s are right around the turn of that timeframe. Whatever his claim to fame was mostly as a military commander, and he was part of that to come. So it confederacy Battle of tippy canoe, which kind of got him his nickname of old tippy canoe, which is like one of the shittiest streets in the town I live in, and it sums up this fucking douchebag pretty perfect.
He’s almost 70 at the time of his press, he’s
like, 68 is nice minus one. But, you know, that’s where the old phrase typically new and Tyler to if I learned anything in school, it was that phrase, I still remember that shit. And as a major general in the army of the, during the war of 1812, he led a contingent of infantry and cavalry during the Battle of the teams in Canada. So Canada, once again, being involved in the early, you know, early
was the president in 1812. Actually let him fight in Canada. That was nice. Yeah, he’s like, you know, my mighty Bambi he didn’t want anything to do with Canada. He’s like, I’m fucking Canadians.
It’s cool to shut up there. Listen, man, I’m not doing it. Which, obviously, is that kind of catapulted this douchebag I mean, military service at that time, was absolutely.
Like every good leadership skills.
Yeah. If you could lead men to like that killed, you know, pretty innocent people for the most part and
Yes. Well, I mean, that’s, there’s a lot of Indians there. That’s what really he was known for is, like, I don’t know, just targeting Indian folks being extremely aggressive and terrible. He was actually assigned by the president at the time, john adams, to be the governor of the new Indiana Territory. So this guy is quite similar to a former governor of Indiana.
I mean, I
you knew I meant the fly on the wall that sees everything. And by wall I mean, very stiff hairspray hair. And he proceeded to be elected to the House in 1816. And then the Senate, and he ran for president in 1836. And lost to Marty Vbi. How the bullshit lost Mr. DVB? How do you how fuckin shitty Do you have to be to lose to Marty van side?
William Henry Harrison have any street gangs named after him? I don’t think so.
Well, I mean, he has the sickest phrase in the entirety of the whole world. Tippie canoe and Tyler to and that’s snazzy. At the time that probably get bras thrown at you.
Yeah, guy. That’s probably what killed him.
call these tickets. Oh, my God.
Somebody just dropped it.
That just reminds me of like a family guys get or some shit. Yeah. hits the ground hardest, you know, he died in a way worse way. So he didn’t really accomplish much, like really much at all. The only thing he did was kind of change how people receive their positions in Washington, or, you know, wherever he got them from at the time. He instead of, you know, people who just gave him a shitload of money. And he’d be like, Alright, here’s a cabinet position. They’d have to give him a shitload of money and be his friend.
Oh, nice. Yeah,
I mean, that’s, that’s a tough bar,
I’ve got coming up the reversal of that reversal. And with my next guy,
double reverse the mythological beast. So he kind of changed the game in regards to politicians getting endorsements at the time, but he kind of stuck to, you know, relatively if they were qualified. He kind of got the job. So he had that. Well, I didn’t say that phrase Exactly. That they should burn down the capital. So I’m totally innocent. Yeah, you know, I mean, what this guy’s major mistake, really kind of just undoes even the tiny amount that he did. And he tried to, you know, bring the big dick energy. And he failed. He did not know. I mean, I’m going to tell you all about all that Big Dig.
All that big energy got that lady to flash him and then he dropped it.
Okay, show me your tickets. And she’s like, Alright, cool. And then he fucking died.
by William Henry Harrison death voice.
You get to throw a fart in there. There you go. We’re fucking making history right now. We’re gonna get a letter from someone that’s like you dick. He was my great great uncle and I’m offended.
So still represent the Whig Party to this day
straight up William Henry Harrison life. And then I’m gonna text you and just say, See, I told you you had a gang. So this guy had the bright idea. He kind of developed a like a caricature around him of being a backwoods redneck idiot. So not not too popular. So he wanted to come out and display the he was really something special. He decided that it would be super tight for his inauguration in Washington DC, which is pretty far north if you’ve ever been there, gets cold on a, on a nice rainy day. He wore no coat, no hat, no gloves, gave the longest speech
I mean, total badass. He’s like, I’m gonna, I’m gonna teach everyone and talk forever, about nothing. And yeah, 90 minutes, it was like, almost 9000 words, which was, you know, people that time are like, Oh my God, this guy’s fuckin genius.
You know, just as naked, that we’re really showing him.
You know, instead, he died. It’s debated. It’s debated whether, you know, it was the weather or the fact that he drank shitty sewage runoff living at the White House, because apparently it was kind of like a thing.
at the inauguration flashing it.
Just, I mean, he’s getting rapid fire titties. And he’s like, Fuck, it’s kind of like Christian just position cannot take this is what we’re saying. I mean, he was what 68 he was.
When he died. I think it said,
He was in office for 33 days. 33 By far, the lowest amount,
office, because it took so long to travel. I mean, he fucking died there. So there’s that he probably wants to shut out of it.
Well, he died at the inauguration.
Now he died 33 days after the inauguration.
Okay, I see. I see. I’m seeing the timeline now. So he spent all of his days as president on
basically. So what happened is he gave this speech. And then he developed a you know, cold and flu like symptoms, and then it just, he kind of went into fucking freefall. And on the 33rd day he died. And what’s debated is where they received most of their groundwater and stuff like that for water at the White House was contaminated with feces and urine, and all the other nasty shit that humanity produces. And he was drinking it all up, but he was like, This shit is dynamite. So there’s that. I mean, 33 days that’s it. Fucking either a cold took him or shit water. pick your poison.
am reading through his Wikipedia a little as you’re going through it. Apparently the Whigs during the election of 1840 had been van bear nicknamed van Baron van ruin,
which All right, that’s good. That’s fair. Little van ruin. That’s a sweet metal band.
That’s pretty good. The Democrats in turn called Harrison granny Harrison. The petticoat? Rich? That’s a sick burn.
Yeah, you got to do all right, Harrison. If anyway, like khorasani Harrison
Van Buren never would have said that because Harrison might have wanted to go to war with him. We can’t have that.
Seriously. I mean, Harrison is the sickest dog on the face of the earth, literally, for 33 days. So I gotta say, what what was weird, and I find it interesting after this fucking idiot died because he was trying to be hard. And everyone knows that one kid in school. I won’t wear jacket. Right who I were. His name was Tory. Shoutout Tory. Tory, yeah, you were an idiot. But he would walk around like sub zero temperatures in fucking shorts, and which his legs are blue and you don’t feel it? Fucking great. I feel so good. It’s like, dude.
So I went to elementary school here in Florida. And we would always kind of challenge each other who could go the longest into winter without wearing shorts or without wearing having to wear pants? Like, excellent. outside? Yeah, when it gets colder, says my daughter doesn’t like she doesn’t ever like to wear long pants. So always go in these little skirts or whatever. But yeah, I get it coming from here. But up there. No, no. Yeah,
I mean, there were days where it’s like minus 20. We’re walking home from school and it’s snowing and he’s just like, yeah,
then how would people know you’re a badass?
I don’t know. He wore pink shoes a lot to secure, they’re on sale. For you. Tory’s
gonna own that
Pretty much He’s a fucking goob and his parents were swingers. So yeah.
You know, we’re gonna let the the short slide now. It seems like he needs some help.
No, he’s all right. He’s doing well. I think he works for Apple or some shit.
Yeah. sweatiness decor from California. He’s a guy’s This sucks out here. Sorry for fucking cold pants all the time. This is bullshit. And that he’s like, you know, I I talked to that head honcho, I talked to Mr. Cook You know, he said I could cut off all my my jeans and make them shorts.
So how did we get to roasting some random dude named boy? Because he’s William Henry Harrison here.
We’re roasting a generation. Well, it’s I guess it’s generational of men who just really tried. It doesn’t work. You just hit me with this little dick energy and it sucks. It just sucks so much.
It works up until the point you fall ill with pneumonia and are on bed on your deathbed for 33 days and eventually die bleeding. President ever because seriously,
you couldn’t do anything. You literally could not do anything. And afterwards. There was a there was a constitutional crisis. So it called attention to ambiguity in Article two, section one clause six of the Constitution regarding succession to the presidency. It clearly states provided for the vice president to take over the powers and duties of the presidency in the event of the President’s removal, death by ship water and or pneumonia, resignation or inability because he’s dying. But it was unclear whether the vice president formally became president of the united states are simpler, simply a tow. Well,
don’t worry, because that never fully got worked out.
It did, actually. And here’s how. Because it ties in. No, no, it did. Because typically wait
till I get to my guy named Well, wait,
let me finish the sentence. Fine.
What is john Tyler have to say? I
said everyone else was liars. And he’s like, Yeah, no, I’m super the president. And I’m not that’s one way to do it. Therefore I am.
And because I’m the president, and I said I’m the president. ipso facto I am the president. Alright, so I get where john Tyler’s coming from but I’m telling you that the trickle down of that did not I guess they didn’t write it down well enough after this fiasco. Because it comes back to haunt you later
comes back to haunt you. But you know what haunts me the most Calvin
this cool like face his
guru like face this fucking guy has the skinniest face I’ve ever seen
a dream about this face tonight? He looks like the guy not a good one. Oh, dude, he
looks like the congressman from the first x men who slides through goddamn bars in prison. Hey, I don’t like to typically make fun of people’s noses. And surprisingly, in all these wars
looks like it’s dripping off his face.
It looks like it would have icicles hanging from it in a storm. Like you would hide under it in case of a meteor shower. And it’s been broken at least twice. And at the same time, I feel like it’s just an extension. This gentleman he has short hair that looks like grease slick to the top of his head with Vegeta sighs widow’s peak. It’s basically if you don’t know Vegeta it’s Dragonball Z. And he has the most wicked I
know that right?
You know the most wicked widow’s peak on Earth. This guy is probably what inspired Akira Toriyama to create that. He looks like a fucking idiot. His eyebrows are touching. And it basically just runs into his goddamn nose, which is literally the biggest nose I’ve ever seen on a human being. There’s a side portrait of him. And this shit sticks out farther than his chest. This man had got a little bit
of Saul Goodman look to him in his younger days.
He looks like Napoleon Bonaparte got stretched on the rack.
But just his face.
Honestly. How the fuck did this guy get anyone to marry him? I don’t understand. He’s like Frankenstein’s albino cousin money. Money is a good one.
Every man got married because they had money back then pretty much.
It’s like that kid in college who is you know, gets the chick that’s way out of his league. And then you’re in a, you know, a party with everyone and he busts out the cocaine and you’re like, yep. Now I know why. That’s Martin. That’s not Martin. William Henry Harrison in a nutshell.
Talking about Tory again here. No,
I’m not actually back on him. He was handsome. He
also had a cocaine problem. Apparently, he’s addicted. I’m sorry now we’re just defaming this Tory fellow for no reason. I don’t know if you have a cocaine problem and I’m sorry you do
if you do. So this William Henry Harrison guy, there’s a picture of him and Donald Trump next to each other and like a million check marks on it. Or tally marks. Look at the same time. See, guys if you’re if follow along with this, Google these people and go to Image Search. There’s one of him. This motherfucker had a bun, like a full blown fun.
I’m good with the man bun.
No, it’s not a man bun. It’s like a bun that takes up the entirety of the back of his head. It’s like a dinner he’s Targaryen braid. I bet he had significantly better acting now.
It would be hard not to.
will kill me This is already dripping with emotion.
I love I love that analogy. He’s just it’s dripping.
just dripping. Yeah. Oh, yeah. See, there’s the bread. Shit. I’m
I might grow one of those. I kind of like it.
Don’t you fucking dare. Calvin, don’t you do it? are we
are we done with Sir William Henry Harris.
We’re done. Fuck that Jabari. So we’re moving
into the 20s we got president number 21 Chester, a Arthur
Chester’s or Lester a Arthur.
Nana molester that we know of just kind of put that out there before we get a defamation lawsuit from the Arthur foundation. his presidency ran from 1881 to 1885. I just kind of randomly chose two single term presidents like I knew it was gonna be Van Buren because the Van Buren boys from Seinfeld. And then I was just looking through the 20s. And I’m like, Chester, he seems like a guy we can make fun of. and turns out we can’t Yeah, don’t worry about
easy target, Chester. So to all you listeners, don’t name your kids that
just a fair warning, Chester. How do we ever elect a guy named Chester?
I don’t know we we get a lot of weird fucking idiots.
So it was a civil war vet, which is nice. He in he enforced the Pendleton civil service Reform Act. So this is what double reverse your reversal from your last guy here where the Pendleton civil service Reform Act mandates that most positions within the federal government should be awarded on the basis of merit instead of political patronage, which again now has been triple reversed and nobody gives a shit.
Unknown Speaker 42:35
It’s just a free for all. Yeah.
Oh, you tweeted something nice about me. Here you go. Here’s the cabinet position.
Yeah, here’s a cabinet. You’re woefully unqualified. But this
isn’t just like the cabinet and things like that. This is postal workers, you know, any federal employees even on local levels, because apparently there was some corruption going on. The one instance I read up was postal workers, that would be like Star postal routes that people get promoted to based on kissing other people’s asses and not because they were good postal workers. So yeah, there’s a lot of that.
What the fuck did they gain from being a good postal.
And I know new man was trying really hard to be a good postal worker because he wanted to get transferred to Hawaii. Because that’s the mother of all postal routes is Hawaii. But in 1881, that wasn’t going on because Hawaii didn’t exist. I mean, it existed. It just wasn’t American. probably kill you.
He showed up there like, Hey, I’m here to deliver a pack.
Chester also presided over the rebirth of the US Navy.
This is post Civil War. So that there they had a lot of these ironclad ships coming on board. There’s there’s a lot of stuff going on in the
ships. There was a shitload of stuff going on. I could talk for hours about naval battles in the Civil War. But I digress. Right, he’s like, so let me stop you right there.
Yeah. He failed to alleviate the federal budget surplus. And just like what the fuck is going on in the 1880s? Like, let’s get a budget surplus going nowadays. Let’s get that money. Go to Burlington Coat Factory. Give us a surplus. Come
on, you can get so much. So you’re telling me he failed to eliminate a surplus. We just didn’t spend it. He was like,
No, they had the surplus leftover from the civil war that nobody since the end of the Civil War had been able to bring down foreigner. So they just kept spending and spending and well, so another one of his problems is they would there was like some river reclamation project that they that was was put over on his desk, right? And he wouldn’t sign it because he thought it was to national base that didn’t include enough local help or whatever. So a lot of things. He was another guy a lot of things came across his desk. He was like, Nah, I’m not gonna do that. See, I’m doing nothing right now. And that seems like I would have to do something. So I’m gonna stick here. Do
you see what I’m doing? It’s pretty fucking tight.
He signed the Chinese Exclusion Act, which put a 10 year ban on Chinese immigration, which I guess that a lot of the issues during Reconstruction from the civil war were blamed on Chinese immigrants. So they want to crack down on Chinese immigration. Anyways, the initial bill was for a 20 year ban on Chinese immigration. he vetoed that one and they came back with a 10 year ban and that’s the one he passed. So it’s like
I’ll do half Yeah, hit me with half and I’ll be I want
to go check
that I’ll be Xena. Xena phobic as fuck I don’t even care. I don’t even care just I don’t want to go to war,
made a super weak effort to secure bid for reelection in 1884 due to his poor health and he just retired at the end of his term. So that was Chester. And like I said, How do we elect to do name Chester The truth is Chester, one of the most cornball last names you could
ever have the most widespread and he overcame it somehow.
Yeah, he overcame it became president but we didn’t elect it. He replaced James A Garfield after Garfield was assassinated four months into his turn.
Damn, Garfield was on the heels of William Henry Harrison. Yeah.
They don’t want any of this this Lincoln shit where they’re in office for two years before they get assassinated. They’re like, I’m in get me now.
Just hit me up. Let the club go down. I mean, Chester, let me just say that right now.
So I Manchester was only the vice president because Garfield wanted a East Coast stalwart is what they’re called, that was like this. As basically, you would compare it to a political action committee or a PAC nowadays. That’s what they were back then. It was like a faction of the Democratic Party. I think they were Democratic Party, maybe Republican. Yeah, Republican Party, sorry. So the East Coast stalwarts or the eastern stalwarts, they were a super powerful faction within the Republican Party. And so the only reason Garfield chose him was so those people would help Garfield out so they would use their sway to get Garfield
sounds a little like cheating just saying this cornbread motherfucker
somewhat and so Garfield was even shot by someone who thought Arthur would then appoint him to a federal position because they had that that same stalwart affiliation. But Arthur did not appoint this guy that shot he’s you know, that
was a weird conversation he went on I’ll shoot that motherfucker right now.
Well, I’m even up to the point of his trial and everything he thought he was going to be pardoned because he claimed to be affiliated with the the eastern stalwarts. Chester’s late now fucking
seen him in my life. Yeah, my dude. Oops, sorry. He’s like, Hey, are you gonna kill him? I’ll fucking help you out. I got this sweet pistols.
Just re Arthur didn’t do a lot. It’s very hard to roast him because he was so nonplussed about everything. But luckily Wikipedia gave me some great rose from his contemporaries. Because other people were more than happy to shoot
me with these, you know,
this is from journalists Andrew Alexander mccluer. No man has ever no man ever entered the presidency so profoundly and widely distrusted as Chester l&r and no one ever retired, more generally generally respected alike by political friend and foe. So everyone hated him when he came in and he’s respected afterwards because he did fucking nothing. He just rolled
whatever dude with three first names. I don’t trust it.
Ricky Bobby, it’s got two first names.
I don’t trust that shit.
Yeah, three first names. Chester,
especially Allen Arthur.
Never trust the guy named Justin.
I mean, my Stranger Danger alarms are going off right now.
So at his death, the New York world which is a newspaper of the time, quoted no duty was neglected in his administration and no adventurous project alarm the nation. He signed papers that were put in front of them but did nothing else Yeah,
fuck this guy, is what you’re saying.
Like no in. In 1935, historian George F. Howe noted that Arthur achieved and obscurity and strange contrast to a significant part in American history.
That’s, I mean, that could be conceived as a good thing. I think.
I think there’s ages nobody fucking remembers it. I didn’t remember him till I read his name on the list of presidents dude. I
don’t remember three quarters of the Presidents they just there’s that’s true completely. oblivious to me.
Also got some some great sideburns going on here too. And I think that is what being a president meant is you had to have the craziest side.
You had to have some kind of dope ass facial hair. This dude has
set you apart from your opponents.
Oh, fuck this dude sideburns look like a hippies pubes. Jesus on James
Corden shit here like that. He is not
like dragon shoulders man. The fuck? What do you
think we need to bring the sideburns back for presidents To be honest, let’s let’s just make that the President presidential thing. And for your four to eight years, you have to try and grow better sideburns than your predecessor. And if at the end of your first four years you haven’t grown better sideburns, you’re out. I don’t care.
if you have any more years to set the record on best side, you gotta have a we get
to. I mean, I think that definitely helps. That’s why they grew cybers it’s like damn, so my chin is weak as fuck. Let me so what let’s
say out of our five most recent presidents, who do you think could have grown the best cyber? I think Obama could have had some dope sideburns.
I know it’s easy
to just say Obama’s always gonna be the coolest everything because he’s one of the coolest people ever. Right and Jeff,
I think honestly, I think Bill Clinton would have had the dopest sideburns would have
went on like for if this was a presidential mandate Yeah. Clinton would have went for it Clinton has no shame so like he did just fucking down there with it. He he’d have the Chester A Arthur mixed with the Van Buren sideburns all the way up he’d go like into the the Ron Howard How the Grinch Stole Christmas like the mayor from from that movie. He’d go side by side straight into like the the points up in the middle part. I like that Clinton
fucking back then apparently. added all you need is a weak chin and a shit name. In your fucking in like five
bad names for the presidency.
This guy looks like a Bowl champion. He is fucking wack.
I think we can agree that george w bush would have the worst sideburns.
I think they would have been all patchy and should be like, yeah, this is a victory. He
didn’t say like Hey, girl phobia.
No, I just can’t. I can’t I can’t Dude, I’m 27 years old. I still have patches in my fucking facial hair. It’s ridiculous. I can grow great mustache. But you know, no one wants to see a Payless dude with really dark hair. Have a mustache? It just looks weird.
Shout out Jay from the VCR kids.
J my boy. You and me both let’s have a mustache growing contest.
I mean, he’s already beaten you there cuz he has
I can grow a mustache in like three days, like a
challenge has been laid down
has been laid down and I they were part of the butter beer situation too. Right.
Butter. Okay. That was just no, that was my, my wife sister was the one that confirm that.
Okay. Well, I challenge her to a sweet mustache contest. You went? Yes.
We also had some Chester A Arthur birthers. At the time. His opponents claim that he wasn’t a US citizen and did not live in the US until he was 14. This was disqualified him from being vice president. If it were true. It wasn’t record keeping in the 1800s if he could guess was pretty fucking bad. And his family moved around a lot like within Vermont in New York. So he attended a lot of different schools and just check out last track. Or at least that’s the story The Arthur’s are going
well. I mean, he’s the most underwhelming person I’ve ever seen. So then again, he’s very underwhelmed. So don’t you remember me? No, I don’t.
I think the best thing you could say about Chester A Arthur is that he was efficient at doing his job. He was so great at supplying armies moving through New York during the Civil War, that they just kept promoting him and promoting him higher and higher class, just because he always kept the deliveries on time. Everybody liked working with him. He was just so great at doing that shit. He was an absolute monster when raising campaign funds for his campaign or other party members. Like before he was running for president. He would help out the party and getting people elected and raising funds. He was also so good at his position in the customs office, that he was able to earn a salary higher than the president over $50,000 based on commissions that he got off of imports. So at the time, whoever these customs officials were if they were the one facilitating the import, they got a commission off of that. And he was so good at and everybody liked working with him so much that he rate that he his normal position paid 60 $500 a year he only earned over $50,000 a year doing that job
Jesus that does that sound okay? That sounds not good.
He’s just efficient man. People
like working. Yeah, he’s fingers. You know, he’s a fishin. Yeah. And
the worst thing you could say about Chester A Arthur is also that he was efficient at doing his job. And that seems to be all that there was to him just get the job done adequate
and make a load of money. Yeah,
it’s really great for like your accountant or if you’re supplying the militia in New York, but when you’re president, you gotta have a little bit more gusto. Mostly just a pencil pusher. If he was told to sign something, he’d sign it Damn. And he’d do it quicker than any other president. Unless
it was war. He’d be like, No,
I was Van Buren that would avoid war. Well, I
mean, they I mean, they’re all buddies. They have the
sideburns. That’s true. sideburn Bros
But if something like really needed to happen, he wasn’t gonna be the one to do it. Like he’s not the guy you call in an emergency.
Most of these guys aren’t. Most of them are just fucking weak chin bitches.
All right, let’s go to your last. Unless you got something else on Manchester. I
don’t other than fuck him.
And fuck jesters all over the world. Yeah. Either Chester and you’re listening this unsubscribe until you change your name.
Why would you go through your life introducing yourself as Chester, because my first thought, which is? Yeah, surprisingly, so he had at least political experience. He, he really just grovelled a lot and sucked mad about a dick. And he he made it to the top. He he was a war vet. So this guy. You know, he had a deferment, because he was a birthright Quaker. So religious exemption. But he he volunteered for the Navy and basically just dealt with logistics. He took the easiest route he possibly could like this dude did nothing when he was overseas. But he still went overseas so he can claim war veteran status. He was elected, elected as a congressman in California’s 12th district, after his opponent couldn’t be defeated because of all the infighting within his party. So a group of 100 republicans got together and elected this bitch asked motherfucker, because he was handsome, and a good speaker. That’s pretty much what it came down to. And he fucking hated communism.
And that’s what you need to know America is
awesome. But communism did Oh, he was like the king of, you know, working up the anti communism fervor. He just, he dropped it all the time. So in 49, he begins to consider running for senate as a, you know, against the Democratic incumbent enters the race, and basically just has the shittiest primary Battle of his life. But he sent out this this little thing, and it was called a pink sheet. And it was distributed by his campaign suggesting that the guy who was running against voting record was similar to that of a New York Congressman, who many believe to be communists and
this commies so sons of bitches. So Nixon, of course, won in a landslide by nearly 20 percentage points, but this is where his stupid fucking nickname comes into play. He was known as tricky dick, which just makes me think of STDs. I don’t know why. It’s a tricky dick.
Yeah, tricky ticket. It’s not a big ticket.
He’s got that. Yeah, tricky Duke Energy. And eventually he became Eisenhower’s Vice President, Vice President, mostly because he was young, like really hated communism. And that was publican, hailing from there. Surprisingly, this dude actually accomplished a decent amount of stuff that we appreciate today. He created the EPA. He signed Title Nine, banning gender based discrimination and education. He only thinks that these are all good things, but I’ll get to the punchline. He he desegregated schools peacefully lowered the age of voting to 18. But he had this one major mistake and it was like a hinge point for this man. You kind of missed
something here. No, we’re not there yet. presided over the moon land.
Well, I wasn’t there yet.
Oh, well, you were going to his shitty things. I thought you were doing all those good things for Oh, no.
This is in the heat of the moment.
All right, sorry.
Anyway, he presided over the moon landing.
He didn’t. I didn’t say that. Everybody forgot I said that.
No, he presided over. He did. He did everyone. But he made a major fucking mistake that really came back to bite them in the ass. So Lyndon Baines Johnson who really did have big dick energy that guy
saw him is like walk around with a phone opt out to from what i
mean he literally would insert into every sins like Nixon does with communism, how big his dick is, which is not okay.
He got it, flaunt it, Nick.
I mean, you got to flaunt it, like fucking hating communism. I hate it, Calvin. So this guy, Johnson was, you know, bringing the Vietnam War to a close, he was bringing peace talks to the forefront. And Nixon basically went to the opposition and said, hold out for a better deal, which never came, because he wanted to be the one that that ended the Vietnam War. And it basically was viewed as such at the time period, but because of this fucking guy, 20,000 Americans died as well as a beat of Vietnamese, a million Vietnamese people, because he stretched out the war. And he also called Kent State, you know, the students there. I’m sure you know of it. Everyone knows that the students at Kent State, he called them bums for protesting the Vietnam War. Call them goddamn communists. And then it really started calling like communists. He literally did. He called his wife communists. He’s like, bitch, this fucking one ply toilet paper is awfully communist, you better give me the good shit, or else. I’ll give you the communist just stop Ooh. But everyone knows. Nixon was involved in the Watergate scandal. He was the first and only president to resign because people from his party broke into the DNC, you know, offices to install wiretapping devices and basically help rig an election. And while he did not order it, he knew all about it and was completely complicit in it. And this man just went off the god damn rails. He went insane with his anti communist and paranoid bullshit.
Fucking decided over the moon landing. Its fate count fell. That’s true. He He helped Stanley Kubrick record the moon landing.
He did. He’s like Stanley. Are you a commie? And he, you know Stanley was like, Nah, fam. I’m not a fucking commie. And he’s like, Alright, cool. But also I got this job this
that was just Nixon in a spacesuit. We all know what
it was tricky dick in a spacesuit. There you go. I mean, Illuminati.
Except we probably just started like a real conspiracy theory here.
Or did we? Probably.
I hope so. weird shit all the time. I really do hope so. If that’s you heard it here first. Buzz Aldrin doesn’t exist. Richard Nixon was actually the one in the spacesuit.
And he didn’t land on the moon the old tricky dick. And that’s why he got the nickname because they planned it. Way back when?
Because everybody was a communist. I mean,
how do you call college students who got shot up fucking? Yeah, but you know, fuck them. They were
homies, have you
seen the rhetoric around the Black Lives Matter movement from
going on there, do
you make a super fair point there cows.
It’s more these people are doing something I don’t like so I’m gonna call them a word that other people don’t like. Like Safeway. Yeah. So that way, people who don’t really want to read the full article get scared. That’s what happened.
Yeah. And if you look at this man’s picture, he when he was a young man, he was actually strikingly handsome. But then he just he hit like a but uh, I mean, the man photographs well, and black and white. What can I say? But, but then he hit he hit like a time period in his late 40s, early 50s where he just began to look like a Chucky doll brought to life. He looks plastic, and his smile.
He could have used some sideburns I think to take away from like his weird hairstyle. It was
I mean, the high and tight is is a okay with me. But his smile is deeply unnerving. I cannot stand it for the simple fact. His eyes are dead. And his teeth are just like staring at you. I don’t like it. I don’t fucking like it, man. And obviously, I go in on his nose. But everyone knows that Richard Nixon, where he went had a fucking bozos style honker on his shit and jack was like a fucking Bulldog.
I am not a crook.
That’s really why you want to pay into the year just wait in your team that much. I was thinking of the head
in the jar in Futurama the entire time. spot on when this guy The best liar i think i’ve ever heard of in my entire life. If you watch his concession speech, or his resignation speech, it’s fascinating how well this man is lying to the camera. And just like nodding along the guests, I’m getting away with it. It’s so great.
To be fair,
all the election rigging doesn’t matter if you don’t participate in the election.
I mean, okay.
In hindsight, you know, there’s that. Yeah. He can get away with anything because all that information is meaningless if he’s not actually gonna
run for president. I mean, he was president.
Right, but he was spying to help him in the next election, which he never actually he listened
spy. Let’s be fair. Well, his party and everyone around him
whatever was going on that Forrest Gump saw across the road
Let’s not even start fuck that guy.
All right, so let’s real quick
on my man, Joe, my man, Joe. his presidency will run from 2021 until 2074. He’s just going to live forever. I
mean, he’s still He’s the oldest man ever to be president. It’s fucking saying something.
Yeah, I’m feeling another single termer here for for my man. I mean, absolutely. Which is fine. Because among his accomplishments, most importantly, is he’s not Donald Trump. I’m
totally okay with that. I would like someone who’s not angry all the time. And is very, like calm and Mr. Rogers esque. I’ll take it. Yeah, he just sometimes. He just strikes me as
he gets us look. Yeah, I
guess it’s like, it’s all that angry looking for a second when it’s like, he doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on? He’s
Oh, yeah. Humans, you do human things like drink water and
Donald Trump is up.
That’d be awesome. I just, I’m Joe Biden. I’m not all Trump. Donald Trump is a bitch. Like
they go to fucking he goes to put his hand on the Bible. Or do Catholics use Bibles? Yeah. Okay. So he goes to put his hand on the Bible opens it. There’s a microphone inside. He pulls it out. Donald J. Trump is a bitch. And I bang milania drops the mic fucking walks off stage. launches a walk in
Russian cookie roll with you say a player but I fucked your wife.
And she ain’t bad. said you will play but a fucked up. I mean, I mean, I’ll give it to Joe. I mean, he’s, he’s not that much older than than Donald J.
I missed that first line of keep thinking Hail Mary. I know it’s not that
it’s a Tupac song.
I know. It’s the fucking Dessau. I can’t think of what it’s called.
I don’t know we’ve done like nine diss songs especially with Biggie and pop, but I missed
I missed the line. It’s Fuck you and the click you claim not to click you run with so sorry about all that to the Tupac fans and even more sorry that I can’t think of the name of the song because all that secondly, hit him up and hit him up. Thank you. Oh, I had Hail Mary stuck in my head and then I had who shot you stuck in my head. And it was I knew it was neither of those hit him up.
Tell him you play. That still exists. Let me ask you Joe Biden’s gonna say.
I would I would be totally okay with that. For a man that’s been in the Senate for 46 years. 46. And he’s done nothing. He’s very sleepy.
senators are known for single handedly doing things.
Oh, yeah. They just change the entire course of the United States. Not presidents. That’s not their job. They give perfect speeches. And don’t incite anything.
No. And honestly, after what we’ve just been through, it’ll be nice to have a comment. Like he said, calming presence in the White House. So common fact that we’re gonna have to get a new cabinet position in there just to like, check his pulse every hour.
He’s gonna have a support dog. Oh, that’d
The Cabinet of good boy.
The first pop. Yeah, the first pub.
I love it. It’s fucking awesome. And it has to be some weird, weird breed. St. Bernard.
Joe Biden can’t walk a St. Bernard.
I mean, it would. It would probably kill him. You’ve seen Beethoven. I have but you St. Bernards are so great. I had one my My brother in law has St. Bernard and my daughter’s literally read in her job and probably weighs like 65 pounds there’s not much to that man. He could write a St. Bernard alright I can’t even mean that’s all I’m thinking about now think I can’t even roast this man he’s a mythological being
somebody who’s gonna Photoshop and happens to be listening get us a Photoshop of Joe Biden Ryan a St Bernard please
and giving thumbs up like he really needs to be giving no he’s
got a hold on Nick
Yeah for dear life because it’s going like four miles an hour
way too fast.
Like mentioned Joe Biden like after every fucking bite of a meal he takes He’s like, Oh, it’s very good.
Here’s the picture I’m thinking of you find a picture of somebody riding one of those like mall or ride along little bumpy things you know? Just go up and down. You find that picture your you replaced a little right you put the quarter in your place there were a little rider with St. Bernard and replace whatever kid is on it with Joe Biden. That’s the picture I want to see. I will come up a big with a big smile on his face. smile smile.
Yeah. And those aviators. It was god damn aviators.
Shout out Joe Biden. Congratulations. You know you had to steal it. But
you are literally the oldest person in the world to ever steal anything. So be happy about now
that that’s not true. Old people steal shit all the time. Seinfeld has taught me anything. It’s that old people steal shit.
As a former Macy’s asset protection detective, I can confirm this. And they always put it in their titties.
for listening to this great episode.
Let me finish this off. These deserve to know Calvin, of the three older women that I detained. They had all the merchandise in their boobs and we’re like, no, you’re not getting near these floppy things. Fuck yeah,
that’s what I want to do with my day.
I just said you know what, ma’am, you’re right. Or I just called my manager. I’m like, it’s time for you to handle this, buddy. There you go. I feel like they did it on purpose. Cuz I’m so handsome. That’s it.
I just need to be felt up.
All right, and roll. My
mom told me so. You have to felt apart. But I’m really handsome.
Thank you for listening to this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. It had some good laughs at some of these presidents, especially Chester every Chester deserves a good Laster. Check us out on Twitter at APA something adult and underscore podcast. We have a YouTube channel out there. So if you’re insane, like Nick and like, listen to podcasts on YouTube, go over there and check us out. We’re there. All the past episodes are there. I even put everything the first 150 are in a playlist in release order because they uploaded in some funky order because they use an application to upload it and they just went however they went. So there’s playlists there that’s in release order for the first 150 after that, they just come out in order so you’ll have to deal with it.
I mean, and Calvin’s, like the most organized spreadsheet kind of guy,
like three weeks, I’ll go in there and I’ll start making a second playlist of like the release order of the next one.
You know, it’s gonna be like a curated cheese and red wine pairing. And
there’ll be like a, there’ll be like a Harry Potter playlist. There’ll be a Seinfeld playlist, we’ll have Game of Thrones playlist.
Of all the good stuff. Don’t
have time for all that somebody else wants to do that go right ahead.
Not it. Not it
might be down to do it. As long as it doesn’t involve you know.
They would have to do something now that goes against their style.
Yeah, we don’t fuck with doing things. I’m against all of it.
thank you as always to those cats. You guys
stay sassy. Stay classy.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai