Episode 139 – A Podcast About Real Life Heists

The ultimate heist, the big score, it’s a thing of wonder. The thought has most likely crossed your mind, like how to heist those cookies or 150 million dollars from 3 casinos without breaking a sweat. Whether it’s a feasible heist you’re after, or something entirely bombastic, we’ve got you covered on this week’s episode all about Real Life Heists! Kalvin and Nick each drop two of our favorites and what makes them so great. The ins and outs, the big hang-ups, the big breaks, and the big scores! Some heists are absolutely explosive in their planning, and somehow they don’t all get caught. We let you know where they went wrong, or where they managed to get it right, the minute details that gave them away, or the momentary lapse in judgment that left them free men (or women,) for a little while at least! Could you handle the anxiety of pulling off a big score?

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Full Episode Transcript Below:

Kalvin 0:07
Each week we dive deep into whatever it is we find interesting. I’m your host Calvin and joining me from Canada, even though he told me he was going to Mexico. It’s your co host, Nick Richardson.

Nick 0:17
I pulled the old switcheroo because joke’s on you. I like a cold.

Kalvin 0:22
Yeah, you stole the priceless chandelier from Tiffany’s. Let me Tiffany, I met you. You told me you’re going to Canada you went to Mexico or vice versa. Switch that up.

Nick 0:32
Yeah, I don’t want to go there. I want to go to Canada because they’re nice.

Kalvin 0:35
I would go to Canada or Mexico. Fucking No offense to Mexico. I’m a Kolbert. I live I live in Florida. I like cold stuff. Yeah,

Nick 0:42
mostly because it’s fucking cold here

Kalvin 0:44
a lot but like southern Canada All right, Toronto, Montreal. Maybe not Montreal. They speak French. They’re like that’s tough learning curve. You know, British Columbia might be okay. I know. There’s some northern stuff up there. But you know, stay close to the border. I’d love to go I don’t need to be like nine months a winner. Yeah,

Nick 1:02
I mean, work 12 but you know, I’d still try to go there on like a vacation like Hey, honey, I got us a bed and breakfast. Like 14 hours up north. We’re gonna go see you know, the North Pole. Let’s do it.

Kalvin 1:16
The North Pole is not in Canada. Just Fun fact there.

Nick 1:20
She’s not gonna know that. I save so much

money by just being like, hey,

Kalvin 1:26
wife is dumber than she probably actually is.

Nick 1:29
No, she’s actually super smart.

Kalvin 1:31
But doesn’t know that the North Pole is not in Canada. So this is coming from Nick. Not for me.

Nick 1:35
She just trust that she just trust me. I’d be like, hey, yeah, it’s totally there. Like, I don’t know if that’s true. Like it’s fucking true. Let’s go you’re

Kalvin 1:43
not here to discuss the geography of Canada today. Hey, you burn contrary to what you might believe. We’re here to talk about real life heists.

Nick 1:54
motherfucking heists.

Kalvin 1:55
We’ve already done heist movies in the past, but now we’re doing real life heists. I love good heist,

Nick 2:01
FBI, if you’re listening, we’re not inciting hice just saying, No, we just think they’re super cool. And we would love to be a part of one wink wink

Kalvin 2:11
made. See that. We’re gonna talk about that as we go through these heists. I’ve got two highs, Nick has got two highs, we’re gonna go through them one by one. Talk about who did it, what they took, how they took it. What happened afterwards if they got arrested, or if they got away all that bullshit. And then we’re also gonna talk about if we could have been involved in this heist or not? Because I think that’s the important part of having this discussion is, could we really bring ourselves to do any of these things?

Nick 2:37
We shall see. Say,

Kalvin 2:39
for the most part, I am an upstanding citizen. I you know, I had I had some things in college where I didn’t do anything too bad. So I’m like, let’s call it campus popcorn. And maybe, maybe maybe not like getting into buildings through extra legal ways. are a core part core. Yeah, hardcore hardcore.

Nick 3:04
I mean, if you can pull off hardcore parkour, or

Kalvin 3:07
no, it was not hardcore, hardcore. It was like slowly climbing up buildings, figuring out how to get on the roofs?

Nick 3:14
Well, you just gave yourself away, Calvin. He didn’t do any of that.

Kalvin 3:17
I think the statute of limitations is gonna actually we had a really good one one time. So we got on top of this one building. And there, there’s roof accesses up there. Apparently no alarms on the roof accesses or there were and just nobody gave a shit about them. Because we did it several times. And so we went in and we wouldn’t steal anything or anything, or Well, that’s not entirely true. Either. We found this big ass poster, right, like a big banner that they put up at job fairs, things like that. We may have taken one of those, but we returned it. Okay. So we went over to a different building climbed up on top of that one. This one’s got like, you know how college buildings that have like the letters on the front,

Nick 3:55

Kalvin 3:57
Like they’re standing there, kind of like on the top on the front. So we hung this poster off of those letters on that other building. Because we wanted to raise awareness for whatever the hell that banner was about. Right? Right. It was important that people knew whatever the fuck this banner said. And they were like, as we’re walking from one building to the other, this is, you know, 1130 midnight, something like that on campus. So there’s not really any way around. But there’s these two. underclassmen who were walking back from the library to their dorms, probably, Hey, what are you guys doing? And we’re just like, nothing. Nothing. And we like put the poster down back before like they actually came on us. Like, Oh, no, no, we want to join. We’re like, No, we don’t know you. You’re not fucking helping us. This is our thing

Nick 4:37
out of here is what is this cartoon?

Kalvin 4:39
Right? Yeah, we’re not we’re not gonna let you help us. And eventually they left and then we went. And like, I just like to think because the building that we hung it from was close to where their dorm was. So I like to think that they woke up the next day saw our handiwork and like, yeah, we saw this fucking guy’s so the coolest fucking dudes I’ve ever met. I like to think that they’re listening now to her like, Hey, I remember that. Shout out to you too.

Nick 4:58
You know, I did some classes. on roofs in my youth and I actually climbed on a roof of an abandoned Kmart. And when I went inside, I found it was abandoned. Let me reiterate. Oh yeah. When I went inside I found a job in factories. We I mean, we have a shirt we have a Pillsbury factory in town. This thing is so full of his bestest today like no one wants to touch it, but

Kalvin 5:24
some guy tried to like fucking kill us one time when we went into a factory, not like a homeless guy. It was like some guy protecting the land or some shit he like drove up on us and his big ass truck

Nick 5:33
he’s What are you guys doing here? He’s got a crossbow and she said you better start rolling in boy finger in his fucking belly button.

Kalvin 5:41
It’s like you stay here calling the cops are like no

Nick 5:46
Do you see these wheels? I got Jordans on bro I’m fucking dip in

Kalvin 5:50
a car we just cut back in the car like

Nick 5:52
yeah by but I found an original 1997 Pokemon poster. Nice and I resold that shit for like 65 bucks. Oh, absolutely fucking come up. Those are really

Kalvin 6:04
entrepreneurial spirit. That is a real life. I like to think our banners are realized by us too. We got away with it. My friend. My friend that perpetrated it with me. He had classes in the building we hung it from here like an eight o’clock class. So he shows up to his eight o’clock class and sees these people like these maintenance people just standing up outside staring at it like what do we do with this? We should just try to shoot it with paintball guns. Just cover the whole thing. Yeah,

Nick 6:33
I thought you were gonna be like, yeah, my friend. Randy bow Bandy. FBI for listening.

Kalvin 6:40
No, I wouldn’t I wouldn’t name drop him here. You’re right.

Nick 6:43
He was Terry the scary

Kalvin 6:45
are our 15 listeners. You know, my my diamonds out? I mean, I guess I already know who I am.

Nick 6:51
I know. Right.

Kalvin 6:53
I think the statute of limitations on a harmless plant prank that injured no one is up by now. This was a solid eight years ago. 12 years ago. 2009. Man. Time flies.

Nick 7:10
I fucking graduated high school in 2010.

Kalvin 7:14
Just a young one

Nick 7:15
is completely irrelevant.

Kalvin 7:17
So those are our real life highs that we’ve been a part of.

Nick 7:20
Talk about at least.

Kalvin 7:22
Those are the ones I’m going to talk about on air here. We’re gonna move into some of some high school some higher stakes, I would say just a tad. Yeah. So Nick, I’m gonna let you go first because I want to go last because I think my last one is the best one. Son of a bitch. All right, it was my idea for the episode so I get to choose the order

Nick 7:49
that did it for me though. Calvin. You know you did? Like No, I

didn’t Fuck you.

Kalvin 7:54
Well, the original idea was just to do one of the heists and talk about only that heist. And I was like, and as I was looking at like, Okay, this is 27 minutes of content.

Nick 8:03
That’s not enough heist.

Kalvin 8:04
I need more more, so we expanded it. Alright, so let’s hear your first one.

Nick 8:09
Mine is the highest at Banco Central at Fort taalas. Fortaleza, in Brazil. This occurred in August of 2005. Specifically, August 6, relatively recent. So this year was bananas. We got the dude with the best name in the world. Luis Fernando Ruby arrow that just has a I’m sure someone with a you know, that speaks Spanish.

Kalvin 8:44
Let’s go. Well, Portuguese.

Try not to offend any of our listeners. Well, I

Nick 8:47
think they speak Portuguese in Brazil.

Kalvin 8:49
Yes, Brazil is

Nick 8:50
Portuguese. That’s what Yeah, okay. Someone who speaks Portuguese would probably say that with some flair. As I’m away from the Midwest. It sounds

Kalvin 8:57
got to really get like some Mask of Zorro accent going on on it.

Nick 9:01
I’m not even gonna try cuz it’ll be like I’m talking about but you know, beard,

Kalvin 9:05
Luis Fernando Riviera. Like if you could say that with the proper accent. It’s definitely a menacing and fun name to say

Nick 9:14
I could probably do it with a sword in my hand like a rapier. Yeah,

Kalvin 9:17
that’s what I’m saying. Yeah, you need the real like the Mask of Zorro spirit in you somehow. And it just me and you’re talking it doesn’t bring it out. I get it.

Nick 9:26
Again. You get it? We all get it. But he was technically the mastermind of a crew of 25 dudes. So that automatically sets it apart. Because how do you have 25 cats involved in a goddamn heist? And it doesn’t blow up. minute one.

Kalvin 9:44
Yeah, I mean, Ocean’s 11 barely did it with 11. And that was a movie.

Nick 9:48
And it had, you know, three of the most beautiful men alive in it too. So

Kalvin 9:52
that helps to Don Cheadle is definitely one of the most beautiful men alive.

Nick 9:55
I don’t know about that. His neck is a little trippy.

Kalvin 10:02
It’s like out of Ocean’s 11. He’s like the perfect middle point of not obviously not one of the most beautiful and obviously not one of the ugliest out of the 11 I think I picked the perfect middle point and I just it was like the random one that popped into my head right out of the 11. And I think I’ve perfectly picked the middle point of the ocean’s 11 Hot or Not scale.

Nick 10:23
Yeah, I mean, you know, the accident and the very skinny neck.

Kalvin 10:32
Alright, so what did Louise do here?

Nick 10:34
Luis was a fucking as 25 competitor as his competitors. They decided to fuck around and steal 165 million rails or 71 point 2 million US dollars when converted. Yet according to this bank that they robbed since it’s kind of a authoritarian government in a way it’s very centralized resources. This was too small of an amount to ensure because of you know, fees and the hassle 72,000,071.2

Kalvin 11:13
Yeah, okay,

Nick 11:14
that’s a shitload of money, isn’t it? Oh, no. So these fucking cats have the most genius idea I’ve ever heard and I absolutely love it. Because I’m gonna

Kalvin 11:25
I’m gonna spoiler right here. What they did is they they made a backup vault. And then they stole the whole vault out of the bank drove through the streets of Brazil with it tied to the back of their cars, and then at some point, switched the vaults and, and took the real one, and left the the fake one for the rock to find. The Rock was really mad when he found that they got away with the 100 million dollars. What am I right there?

Nick 11:49
What year did that movie come out?

Kalvin 11:52
Fast Five was 2011. I want to say

Nick 11:57
oh, you know, six years after? I understand, but it’s quite possible. It’s all quite possible.

Kalvin 12:05
Wait, so that’s not what happened here. That’s not what happens when you are wrong. Sadly, everything comes back to fast and furious when it comes to heist.

Nick 12:12
I mean, we already got fast 10 planned out. Fasten your seat belts. Going to space.

Kalvin 12:17
Yeah, the Green Lantern.

Nick 12:18
Dude, they’re talking about going to space in their fucking movie. I know. You’re like, yeah, I’m

Kalvin 12:24
on top of things. You don’t think I know what’s going on in the Fast and Furious franchise?

Nick 12:28
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. My bad, then these will always be ridic to me, but I digress. So three months before this burglary, burglary. burglary. Got the mid Midwest self set? My god I can’t fucking talk. It’s

Kalvin 12:49
been a rough day for us all.

Nick 12:50
It’s been a rough day. I’ve watched cnn for like 13 hours today.

Kalvin 12:54
We’re recording this on Wednesday, January 6 2021. So by the time you listen to this, you don’t remember what was going on January 6 2021. Just Google it. Google Washington, DC, January 6 2021. It might explain our scattered mind frames here.

Nick 13:10
Yeah, you will. You’ll see a definite correlation there because we

Kalvin 13:15
already talked for like 45 minutes before we start recording about what’s actually going on and I’m over that I’m ready for heists,

Nick 13:21
I’m ready for high. So anyways, these criminals, the scumbags rented a commercial property in the center of the city and tunnel are 78 meters 256 feet, nearly a football field beneath two city blocks to position beneath the bank. So I mean, these are hard working cats, so I gotta give it to him right off the bat and with a crew of 25 dudes. You know

Kalvin 13:48
this? Well, I mean, you would need to to total that much. I would think that’s where you’re 25 dudes come in for sure.

Nick 13:53
Either way, that’s like 10 feet of Dude, that’s terrible. Imagine digging through 10 feet of rock and fucking dirt.

Kalvin 14:00
They have a drill like an Ocean’s 12. We’ll get there.

Nick 14:03
So they had a little bit of you know, they dabbled in engineering a little bit and they’d renovated this proc

Kalvin 14:10
everybody from Brazil dabbles in engineering, that stereotype. No, they kind of that would be like one of the best stereotypes though. Like, Hey, you guys are really smart. And I’ll know your engineering.

Nick 14:20
Well, I mean, the government is just like, no, we’re not gonna. You guys don’t pay for water. Yeah, you don’t need any of that shit. Oh, you knew you do need a shitload of cops that like to shoot people. But anyway, so they bought a property and renovated it, making it a landscaping company. So they also sold both natural and artificial grass as well as like random plants.

Kalvin 14:48
And a shitload of bags of dirt.

Nick 14:50
Right? Well, that’s what kind of blended them in is they’re pumping out dirt all the time and people don’t like I guess it’s just you know, that’s what landscape companies do.

Kalvin 15:01
Fernando Ribeiro with smart my dad’s

Nick 15:04
trying to say he owns a landscaping company. And he pumps out a lot of dirt.

Kalvin 15:09
Has he tunneled into any banks yet? I don’t know. I mean, this is a this is an option for you guys.

Nick 15:14
I plead the fifth.

Kalvin 15:17

Nick 15:19
Want to 234



Kalvin 15:29
fifth fifth fifth


Nick 15:33
So I missed that I missed that show. But anyways, this tunnel it was roughly 2.3 feet squared and it ran 13 feet beneath the surface so they had to dig deep as fuck. Imagine all that clay and like just I don’t know how sea level wise Brazil is. But imagine it being you know, very close to sea level a lot bedrock and stuff. It’s mountainous

Kalvin 15:58
to Brazil.

Nick 16:00
Oh man, that’d be a pain in the ass. Depending on the rock. That’d be fucking impossible. But the police made sure to mention that it was well constructed. It was lined with wood and plastic. It had specific beams to support it. And it had its own shit cave in on that. Oh, yeah, definitely not thinking oh, this

Kalvin 16:20
guy thought out his plan to buy a business. Start up a landscaping front. And they just gonna be like, Nah, that’s just gonna cave in when we’re on our way back with the money. Well away. Yeah. Fernando Rivera is too smart.

Nick 16:34
I can’t believe you still remember that dude’s name? I forgot it. 35 seconds ago.

Kalvin 16:38
It’s a great name. How could you forget it? Well,

Nick 16:40
they even had a C in that badass in Brazil. They’re like,

looking out for us people. Yeah,

fuck this shit.

Kalvin 16:47
Luis. Fernando Rivera is a man of the worker.

Nick 16:51
Yeah, I mean, he’s he keeps the air flowing. It keeps it fresh. Still.

Kalvin 16:54
Vote for Luis Fernando Rivera as your next president.

Nick 16:58
He might be dead. I’m not sure this happened.

Kalvin 17:01

Nick 17:02
I mean, that’s like an eternity in the 2000s worlds. Imagine where we were in 2005 and where we are now.

Kalvin 17:11
I was a freshman in college. Yeah,

Nick 17:15
I was in.

In 2005.

Kalvin 17:20
Yeah, well, January 2005. I would have been a junior in high school. So now I’m still not that so yeah, you’re right. We have come a long way. Such a long way.

Nick 17:31
I was dressing like Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance in eighth grade. And my freshman year I definitely wasn’t.

Kalvin 17:39
I was on my I don’t give a shit anymore. Senior writers dress code. I know how that means. I’m just gonna put on clothes because they tell me I have to. But that’s all you’re getting from me.

Nick 17:50
Right? They may stink like weed. So

Kalvin 17:54
I’m wearing clothes in Boston like we

Nick 17:57
I mean, I hung out with a lot of fucking potheads.

Kalvin 18:01
Sort of wryneck but have a little class. You don’t want to you don’t want to go to school smell like weed.

Nick 18:08
Funny story. I may have smelled like weed but the richest kid in school walked around with just you’re potent dude. He just had

just stayed on.

Kalvin 18:30
A glazed doughnuts every morning for breakfast. Okay, that’s all it is. No,

Nick 18:34
he would admit it freely cuz I remember the first time. The first time I noticed it was actually at a party. And I was like, Dude, what the fuck is on your shirt? And he’s like, it’s fucking just

casual as fuck. And we got it. You got it. From then on. I just noticed all the time. He had fuckin shit.

Kalvin 18:57
I think we need to get back to the heist here. Oh

Nick 18:59

Kalvin 19:01
Nando. Rivero stands for just shirts.

Nick 19:04
Say that again.

Kalvin 19:05
My man Luis Fernando Rivera would not stand for just shirts know that without him the courtesy of moving on from the gym shirt guy. It totally got out. The T shirt idea says just shirt guy. Rock change shirt

Nick 19:25
was just no shame. But anyway, on this final weekend, they worked all the way up on this for weeks, they broke through three and a half feet of steel reinforced concrete to enter the bank vault. And, you know, a considerable considerable amount of time would be required to remove and transport the money due to the sheer fucking volume of it. So I think they timed it pretty much perfectly. Yeah, and yes, they got away with it. These guys were fun. Ball.

Kalvin 20:00
How do we know who he is? If they got away with it,

Nick 20:02
well hear me out. Out of the 25 men, only eight were confirmed to have been captured. So okay, this shit happened to rapid fire. So by August 10, September 25 and October 20 relatively small timeframe, they started knocking people out. They just happen to spot a truck. There was transporting cars which you know, in Brazil in 2005 it’s probably a little weird. seen as a lot of people walk everywhere, and they fell

Kalvin 20:33
in in Fast Five they stole cars off of a truck transporting cars in Brazil, so I get it.

Nick 20:39
There you go.

Kalvin 20:40
There you go. This is all coming right back to Fast Five dudes is great. Then we talk

Nick 20:43
about Fast Five. I’m in LA, you fucking cheater. you copied this heist, you bastard. You bald headed bitch. But anyway, they just happen to inspect it and found like $2 million and the other five arrested in September. And then the mastermind here’s where it gets all you know frickin lucky. happened. He was found dead

Kalvin 21:09
Luis Fernando Rivera.

Nick 21:10
Yes, that guy was found dead on the side of the road who cares about his men to provide them with AC in the summer. You know, he was found dead on the side of the road with ligature marks around his throat and handcuff marks around his wrist. So a lot of people thought police were still you know, involved.

Kalvin 21:33
And then trying to get that money on them.

Nick 21:35
They only found 20 million bucks. Overall, which is 70. That’s a shitload of money. But 18 dudes, you know, with roughly 50 you know, millions but split between them. That’s not a bad. Not a bad take.

Kalvin 21:47
No, I’d been on that. So Nick, could you have been a part of this crew? No. And what role would you have played?

Nick 21:52
Definitely not fuck that with all these dudes. I’m a paranoid individual. I have terrible anxiety. That’s all I would think the whole times. Yes, fuckers gonna rat me out. It’s gonna happen.

Kalvin 22:04
The only way three people can keep a secret is the two of them are dead. So if you compound that into 25 that’s a common saying I’m not saying I’m out here killing people who know my secrets. But if you know what to say. So yeah, you compound that to 25 people and it’s just yeah, that that that’s a little too many. I feel like I could have been like, Alright, I’ll dig some tunnel here for you. That seems like a fun way to spend some time. Break me off a mill.

Nick 22:32
Fuck that. Dude, I pull in Andy do frame take that shit by myself over like 15 years.

Kalvin 22:38
Yeah, but you wouldn’t be able to reinforce it. You wouldn’t get the AC down there. You need Luis Fernando Rivera.

Nick 22:43
I mean, he’s got Google. He figured that shit out.

Kalvin 22:47
But you don’t have Google in the tunnel. Right? I mean, Luis Fernando Rivera will probably provide them with Google in the tunnel but you personally would not because you are not on the level of Luis Fernando Rivera.

Nick 22:57
Shots fired Calvin. It’s hurtful.

Kalvin 23:00
I don’t think you got any neck. nominee. I definitely. I definitely could not have been the mastermind behind this. Maybe I could have been in the crew. But like, I also feel like after like the second day of digging.

Nick 23:14
You have a sweet skill of data analysis though. Yeah, there we go. Mr. Calvin. How long can we take this

Kalvin 23:22
guy making sure they’ve got Google in their tunnel?

Nick 23:26
Like, where’s my Google? It’s right here,

bro. chill the fuck out?

Kalvin 23:31
Yeah, that’d be a rough one. So they got away. Most of them got away with it. Or at least we think they did. How do we know they got 25 people? I guess the other eight would be uh, yeah, there’s 17 people out there still.

Nick 23:42
Fuck yeah, they

wouldn’t it be like, yeah, there’s like a million you should go get all of those people and forget about me. Just let me go. I wish that one. Here’s my money. Just let me do and it doesn’t help that. Honestly. There’s a lot at stake in Brazil because those prisons fucking suck.

Kalvin 24:03
Yeah, no doubt. I’m sure the 17 or so that got away like there’s no way they’re in Brazil anymore.

Nick 24:08
Oh, hell no.

Kalvin 24:11
That would be me. I’d be out of there as quickly as possible.

Nick 24:13
I would hop in the fucking ocean. If it came down to it. I would be bad. Seems like a bad plan.

Kalvin 24:20
The ocean is vast.

Nick 24:25
It’s dark and full of tears.

Kalvin 24:27
Yes. Alright, so mine has its own name. My first one is the great Plymouth mail truck robbery.

Nick 24:35

Kalvin 24:36
book was August 14 1962. And it happened in Plymouth, Massachusetts,

Nick 24:46
where a lot of robberies actually happened.

Kalvin 24:49
I didn’t know that. But I know this one happened there. And I guess I get that after reading this. It’s in a kind of a strategic location between Boston and some other New England. Hi spots. So it’d be a good place to kind of just do a smash and grab right and then kind of hide away because there’s loads of woods and stuff around. So

Nick 25:08
a lot of money flowing through there. Yeah.

Kalvin 25:12
So we don’t know who actually pulled off the great Plymouth mail truck robbery. It was not Luis Fernando Rivera, though.

Nick 25:18
We know that son of a bitch. Are you sure?

It could be

Kalvin 25:22
a 1962? And he’s still Paul hice in 2005. That’s 40 years of Hi, Stan.

Nick 25:27
I don’t know. I mean, boy, do I have something for you.

Kalvin 25:34
So at the time in 1962, this was the largest cash heist of all time they took. They got away with $1.5 million in small bills.

Nick 25:43
What’s that equate to? with inflation? Oh, I

Kalvin 25:47
had that.

Nick 25:52
Thought I wrote it.

Kalvin 25:56
12 minutes 12 point 7 million in 2013.

Nick 25:59
It’s a fast heist. Yeah.

Kalvin 26:03
So it’s probably a little even more today, probably up to like 13 or 14 today. But yeah, that’s a that’s a good gig 1962 especially to get away with it. So what happened is to gunman they stopped this mail truck that’s delivering cash from Cape Cod Federal Reserve Bank, they’re taking it to Boston. mail truck just drive along probably got Newman driving it Who knows. And so the hijacking occurs on Route three in Plymouth, Massachusetts, the robbers had dresses police officers, they stopped the vehicle brandish some submachine guns at the mail truck, and just kind of took it over. mail truck stop, they get in tie up the driver type the guard, apparently only one guard in this car in this truck carrying $1.5 million. But you know, whatever. We don’t need a garden

or whatever.

Like that. And it’s a mail truck. It’s not an armored car, like, Come on guys. We got to do better. Shit. So then they drive the truck to some unknown place, drop the money, but they don’t just drop it all in one place. They drop it in several remote locations. So they just they’re taking some here, some here. And again, it’s all Woods out here. And then they abandoned the truck with the driver and the guards still tied up in Randolph, Massachusetts alongside route 128. So any Massachusetts listeners you probably know right where I’m talking about.

Nick 27:19
They’re like, Fuck, man. He’s talking about our turf.

Kalvin 27:22
Yeah, maybe there’s still money out there. Go start digging. I mean, I might. Well, you live in Illinois, not Massachusetts. So you’re gonna have a hard time digging.

Nick 27:31
I mean, it’s about a 14 hour trip.

Kalvin 27:34
Not bad. be worth it for some people to do stupid things. You know, why


So, as I said, perpetrator were never caught in for five years, the US Postal Inspection Service and the FBI combed all of New England for leads came up empty time after time. There are rewards offered for $150,000 or 10% of any amount recovered. And that was on top of $50,000 from the Postmaster General. So it was like, fuck it. We’ll give away the money. Just tell us where it is. Ah. Go ahead.

Nick 28:12
Well, that’s why they’re offered so much money back then. Because they knew no one was going to open their fucking mouth. It’s Massachusetts. People just throw that up there.

Kalvin 28:20
And that that’s kind of what they ran into. There was no snitches. Like, have you ever seen Gone Baby Gone? Casey Affleck? Oh, yeah, movies. He was talking shit. Casey Affleck.

Nick 28:28
Hello? God

Kalvin 28:29
baby on your watch that again.

Nick 28:30
It’s such a great movie.

Kalvin 28:31
Can I do a? I don’t know how to movie superlative Gone Baby Gone. Casey Affleck

Nick 28:36
give you support.

Kalvin 28:38
So that Ocean’s 11 and Manchester by the Sea. Got it?

Nick 28:42
Nope. goodwill hunting. He’s in a bunch of stuff. He has one where he’s a military vet that has like the most powerful performance I’ve ever seen on screen. He is what was I gonna say?

Kalvin 28:54
He wasn’t something else that I was just gonna mention. He said a bunch of stuff. Yeah, he’s

Nick 28:58
killing them softly.

Kalvin 29:01
No, the other one with Brad Pitt. The

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward. That movie was fucking Boris Something by the coward and 45 minutes of nobody talking.

Nick 29:17
Just standoff. But Casey. I’m

Kalvin 29:19
like, isn’t that movie?

Nick 29:20
He’s good.

I think he’s better than then Ben shots fired.

Kalvin 29:24
Yes, he’s a better actor than Ben. But Ben is a better movie star. Like if you’re making a popcorn movie that you want people to show up to and pay money to see. You got to go for bet. Oh, 100% right. Batman Gone Girl like he’s, he was really good night. He

Nick 29:40
can be very captivating. But definitely, but I think Casey is better at acting. Like Okay, yeah, more things. But he’s just he, he portrays a better performance like more more emotion like it feels more natural with him. Whereas Ben Affleck is like a chameleon. That dude, he’s hilarious. And dogma love that movie. Oh

Kalvin 30:02
God, I haven’t seen that in a while. I need to go back.

Nick 30:04
Him and Matt Damon or fucking

Kalvin 30:08
sometime to Ooh, I do actually go back to Gone Baby Gone I do have a detective movie superlatives. That should be after feminists Smith. Okay, I’m writing down Kevin Smith right now everybody pause, just wait for us for a minute.

Nick 30:26
We’re coming up with content for you folks.

Kalvin 30:29
I know I already have a detective one set up and they’re all just gonna be Batman anyway, so we’re doing Batman soon. But we’ll also do detective and just give them all the Batman because he’s the world’s greatest combo one. No, Batman in Batman movies doesn’t do any actual detective thing usually. Which is weak dick. Yeah, that’s like one of the most interesting things about

Nick 30:53
world’s greatest detective.

Kalvin 30:56
Anyway, the combination media, law enforcement and popular interest in this record breaking robbery combined for an atmosphere of near hysteria in the Boston area, near hysteria in the Boston area throughout the early and middle 1960s. A few completely uninvolved people were accused of being involved in the heist with the media loudly proclaiming their guilt even with no evidence or facts to support its claims. That sounds familiar. To be fair,

Nick 31:19
I mean, they would like toasters were invented or microwaves No, microwaves are way later. Just they were really imagined. I

Kalvin 31:28
was really excited to get a microwave and that 70 show so I was about to say the same thing. That’s that’s literally what I thought of when I referenced that was way later was that 70 show. I don’t know how factual that 70 show is with like when things actually happened, though.

Nick 31:44
That’s all they had to do was be slightly factual. And get the style right in right, you know,

get it in there.

Kalvin 31:53
I guess.

All right. Where are we keep getting sidetracked here. There’s a lot that goes into these sites that aren’t heist related. Apparently.

Nick 32:02
That’s how all these high star is just talking about random bullshit. And I’m like, you know what, bro?

Kalvin 32:07
Robert male sre

Nick 32:08
we should fucking do this man.

Kalvin 32:11
We should do. That was though, we should buy a bar of 1962 we can rob a male truck. Yeah,

Nick 32:18
there’s some shitty Mexican schwag weed and they’re just like, yeah,

Kalvin 32:22
we saw in the early 2000s. It was we should buy a bar in the late 2000s or the 2010s 2020s. It’s we should totally start a podcast, bro.

Nick 32:31
start a podcast and get a small apartment together.

Kalvin 32:36
We can do it. We can start a podcast. Yeah, we can do we can run a mail truck. Let’s do it. Totally. I

Nick 32:41
mean, it’s a logical jump, you make the same thing, basically.

Kalvin 32:46
So that’ll hit the five year federal statute of limitations approaching with no real leads to solve there our five year federal statute of limitations I’m good on my science dealing.

Nick 32:56
I mean, it’s only five years,

Kalvin 32:58
right? It was in 1967.

Nick 33:00
Now it’s like 500 years, like we’re gonna, we’re gonna we’re gonna find horrible things. You know, the long dig in the law for 500 years. I hope you know that. Don’t you do anything bad.

Kalvin 33:12
The Postal Inspector and the Department of Justice stepped up a campaign of near total surveillance and harassment of all known robbers in the Boston area. In a frantic effort to obtain clues about the robbers like man, it’s been five years the statute of limitations is almost up. Just mail it in.

Nick 33:28
You know, they’re going to their house to like, Hey, kid. Hey, punk.

Kalvin 33:34
Hey, you stole a candy bar yesterday. You know if this $101.5 million

Nick 33:38
you fucking scumbag. Hey, do you know anything but a robbery? It’s like Yeah, dude, I robbed fucking pieces the other day. We’re now looking for you.

Shortly before

Kalvin 33:52
the statute of limitations was set to aspire, a federal grand jury indicted four men and one woman as the perpetrators of this robbery, however lenient one of the defendants disappeared right before trial and was never found the other defendants were all acquitted at the trial. I’m guessing that one guy he’s the guy that fucking did it.

Nick 34:10
I’m guessing he’s hella dead. There’s tons of places in Massachusetts.

Kalvin 34:17
But to this day, the $1.5 million, which is equivalent to 12 point 7 million remains undiscovered by authorities.

Nick 34:25
Cuz the cops were involved. It’s conspiracy.

Kalvin 34:28
Cops did it. They fucking did it, bro. So there’s a bit of an epilogue to this Vincent fat Vinnie Teresa, a Boston mobster who served as a lieutenant of Raymond Ls patriarca.

Nick 34:40
No way. I don’t know. His guy you say?

Kalvin 34:44
Yeah. He claimed in his book my life in the mafia that john read Kelly was the man who played on the Robert

Nick 34:52
was he red faced all the time. I’m very curious. And he was my nickname. The fuck Everybody has fuckin nicknames. Where is mine, guys?

Kalvin 35:04
I’ll come up with something.

Nick 35:05
It’s gonna be horrible.

Kalvin 35:07
Let me just shirt

Nick 35:13
up after this like, Hey man,

Kalvin 35:15
introduce yourself on the podcast from now on is just shirt. He’s Joining me is Jim shirt.

Nick 35:21
I mean he’s honestly he might come on he is Richard balls does not give a

Kalvin 35:26
fuck surely whatever you doing

Nick 35:30
we got room for you shit last time I talked to him he’s a good man

Kalvin 35:35
coming up soon

Nick 35:37
Hey how you work $12 million and you fucking wear Jewish shirts?

Kalvin 35:41
I know what he did he robbed a mail truck checks out shit

Nick 35:50
you know now that you mentioned it he did try to get me too, you know, be a data analyst for him and I just said no said no can do sir.

Kalvin 36:02
I don’t know if they ever perpetrated this crime allegedly received a generous 80 cents on the dollar when the money was laundered. That’s a pretty good rate. Usually, it’s like, I want to say it’s like 60. That’s bad. Yeah, dude. 80% because someone’s got to go to the locker to keep them aboveboard? Well, you know, it’s

Nick 36:20
like a falafel stand, or like, hey, launder this cash versus He’s like, Alright, man, whatever, I got you 100% you want to double or triple?

Kalvin 36:32
So now we got to think if we could have pulled this off. I think I could have been involved here. There wasn’t really a lot of violence. So that’s a plus. And I kind of like the idea of how they spread the money out when they stole it. Like they didn’t just dump it in one place. They spread like that’s an idea. I would have like, yo, why are we burying it in one place? Let’s bury in 10 places, then if they get some of it, they’ll think they got it all. And we get to keep the rest?

Nick 36:58
I mean, I think it’s a smart idea. But being so spread out, what’s the stop another one of your crew from just driving all over the place and getting stuff. Taking all that hit? I

Kalvin 37:09
think it was a fairly small crew. And so but i think i think that’s part of it that you chalk up to loss too is like, if you if you put this 1.5 million in 15 different places. You’re gonna miss three or four. And that’s okay.

Nick 37:24
Well, you might miss all of them. Because what if you go to the wrong one first, and then you’re just trailing this cat was stealing all your cake.

Kalvin 37:31
That’s true. But I mean, this, this is all that’s something I would do. If I had if I came into a big sum of money, whether legally or illegally, like I’m not putting it all in one place. Oh, you know, the lottery. You don’t just go buy all this shit. You invest some of it, you gamble some of it, you buy some shit. There’s there’s a lot of things. So you got to diversify. And that’s what they’re doing. I think

Nick 37:56
that’s a good idea. I was just about to say, Listen to your Wu Tang clan. mentors, Canada, diversify your bonds.

Kalvin 38:05
It don’t add bagful money to your local money laundering franchise. You can’t do that. You got to hide it strategically and separately, and then slowly reintroduce it into circulation. manpower at a time.

Nick 38:17
I don’t even commit hice and I fucking hide my money. Yeah,

Kalvin 38:22
I’ve got like nine bank accounts just because so I can keep it all separate. So I can like compartmentalize all the different money.

Nick 38:29
This is the money for the crew. And this is the money for the rental. And this is the money for the heist. Exactly. Who did I say that on there?

Kalvin 38:38
So yeah, I don’t know that. Like I could have been the perpetrator. But I definitely could have been involved in the planning of it. And you know, I would have gotten I would have been the guy that gets irrationally angry at like Jeremy’s dumb ass when he tried to go and drop 300,000 on this flashy car. You know, right after the heist. He’s going to live in the euro. fuckin Jeremy.

Nick 38:57
You take that shit back right now.

Kalvin 39:03
Yeah, I would definitely be that guy. That’s just like, what the fuck you guys doing?

Nick 39:08
You know what I’m talking about from Goodfellas. Yeah, I got

Kalvin 39:13
I’m picking up what you’re putting out. What could you been in on this one?

Nick 39:16
No. Nope. No.

Kalvin 39:18
So you’re just you’re just out on all the boring question for you every single time.

Nick 39:22
No, I’d be a piece of shit. I’m a boring ass dude. I don’t like getting in trouble. Fuck all that. No, I agree. Like, I’m not trying to go to jail. Jail, dude.

Kalvin 39:31
No, that’s why you’re involved in the planning. You take the smallest cut. That’s still you know enough. You diversify your portfolio. And you make it easy. Well, honestly, I’d be mad at Jeremy.

Nick 39:44
Well, I mean, I make a phone call and I’d be like, Hey, man, I heard Jeremy was trying to go get the get the score that’s in fucking Kentucky. You should probably go there. I’d lead them on a wild goose chase and then I’d steal everything else and disappear.

Kalvin 39:58
See you’re getting you’re getting Too flamboyant with it. You’re getting too. You got you got too many balls in the air. Nick. You can’t juggle all that. You just sit there small cut and you move on with your life.

Nick 40:08
No way. If we’re committing a heist, I’m fucking pulling a heist on all of you fuckers in debt. I get caught, man. Not even

Kalvin 40:16
Have you ever seen a heist movie? Do we need to redo heist movies?

Nick 40:19
Are these people gonna be like, Hey, man, I committed this heist and then this other guy fucking stole it from me. So it’s like drug money. or drug? You know what I’m saying? It’s shit. They’re not gonna tell you what they could try. But I got all their money, where they’re gonna do you can’t fucking buy a plane ticket when you’re broke is shit, motherfucker.

Kalvin 40:39
All right, what do you got for your next one?

Nick 40:42
I know I made a good point. Because you said I moved on. I call it the United California bank robbery. Because it’s called the United California.

Kalvin 40:55
Rice. Yeah, you made up that name. And then you’re like, Nah,

Nick 40:59
no way. This is near and dear to me, because I’m from California actually originally.

Kalvin 41:06

Nick 41:10
They don’t

they smell farms. Anyway, this occurred March 24 of 1972 in Laguna Niguel, California.

Kalvin 41:25
Was that Luis Fernando Rivera.

Nick 41:27
I’m based off the name it probably should be a wasn’t this guy, this a mill? den Xeo is actually quite the badass before he took on this heist he’d knocked out 30 banks back east, which no matter how much research I did back east always just meant back east. Like Nevada, fuckin Ohio, New York like this, whatever. big big area.

Kalvin 41:59
This dude heck is everything that’s not California pretty much.

Nick 42:02
So this cat had accumulated 20 million bucks already. And this was like, the big score. You know, every heist movie has the big score. You got it. So what makes this one really interesting is His goal was safety deposit boxes that were supposedly filled with Nixon’s dirty cash. So this is at the height of you know, the aftermath of the Vietnam War. The fucking or sorry, the initial I’m thinking of the late 70s. So this is after Nixon broker to fucking deal to basically keep us in the Vietnam War. He’s got a lot of dirty money running around and people know this. People know Nixon’s fucking dirty. So that’d be your natural target, especially in California.

Kalvin 42:55
Yeah, I agree.

Nick 42:56
I mean, that’s where I would go. So unfortunately, this crew was a little too blood related and or family familial. Becky said it best recommended 10 crack commandments.

Kalvin 43:16
Don’t miss business with pleasure.

Nick 43:19
Nope. No family and business completely separated. Money and blood don’t mix like to Dixon no bitch, find yourself in some serious shit.

Kalvin 43:29
out less than 10 crack commandments nearly as often as you have.

Nick 43:32
It’s a fucking fantastic song.

Kalvin 43:34
Don’t ever get high on your own supply. Rule number four. Number four.

Nick 43:39
Never trust nobody. Anyway. This guy fucked up and he sucked on the you know, the dick of familial bonds. I’m making this as weird as possible. I’m

Kalvin 43:58
going yeah,

Nick 43:59
yeah. I’m in for it. He had his brother, his brother and his brother, James, who was a burglary tool expert and demolitions expert. So this guy highly qualified if you can tell. He had his nephews Harry and Ronnie, his brother in law, Charles Mulligan, who look out man with the name Charles Mulligan, obviously. And I happen to come across an alarm expert named Phil Christopher, who, you know, kinda was forced into it because he was part of the crew that the guy who clued this guy into the score. You know, he made him come along, basically. And then there’s Charles Bruegel, who’s just some dumb ass idiot. That was kind of their

Kalvin 44:50
cruise and yours.

Nick 44:52
I mean, that’s that’s still a small crew, but it’s the wrong crew. You don’t want people yeah, fucking know. Your brother in law. Are you serious?

Kalvin 45:00
So you gotta have people that you know, but you’re not. You got your you’re not tied to them after it’s over. Right? So like, you got to know him because he got to be able to trust them. But you don’t want people that you got to see at Christmas.

Nick 45:16
When you both show up with fucking Cadillacs. Yeah. You know, in fur coats.

Kalvin 45:22
Okay, what’s up? Why can’t I get one?

Nick 45:23
It’ll be like that spider man meme with a point at each other. Yeah, hey, familia. But anyway, they took a fuckload of money, especially in 72. They took it ranges from 9 million was what the feds say, to 14 million, which is what the perpetrators say, which would be you know, 55 to like 70 million today. And they stole all of it from the old school safety deposit boxes. Which is actually fantastic. That’s the whole reason I don’t use safety deposit boxes.

Kalvin 46:02
I remember my parents had one, like, we’d have to go to the bank, sometimes with my mom or whatever, right? And we’d go into that little back room and they’d pull out like savings bonds or where the fuck from there and she’s like, what? This is, like, insanely complicated.

Nick 46:14
Yeah, like all this. It’s not fun.

Kalvin 46:18
And it’s not like really actually protecting anything as it as we see with not Luis Fernando Rivera.

Nick 46:25
Well, let me spell this out for you. And you’ll you folks will see how little your safety deposit boxes aren’t protected. Because it’s not much better. Believe me. I’ve investigated.

Kalvin 46:34
I’ve seen Inside Man, I know what happens in there.

Nick 46:37
Well, these fuckers they pulled the shit off perfectly. They were they waited till closing time and they used expandable surfboard foam and the old school alarm so that paddle can hit the bow. Yeah. Which disabled it. And they proceeded to use 16 sticks of dynamite to blow the fucking roof off the lid of a vault. And you know, okay,

Kalvin 47:03
why don’t they just dig a tunnel?

Nick 47:05
Well see in California. They’re lazy. So blow this shit up. But they came up with like the most perfect, you know, solution to this because there’s the interviews with the guide, like the last guy surviving and he’s like, yeah, we just threw fucking sand on it. And it’s all super quiet in the middle of California and 72 when the hippie movement is going and there’s people.

Kalvin 47:31
Yeah. Hi.

Nick 47:32
So do you hear that you shut your pants brother. No, it might have been dynamite. But they proceeded to this is how, like, slow they are in California. They were there for three days, three full days, busting open safety deposit boxes with personal life or like, in the vault with the roof blown off of it. They’re there basically for three full fucking days wasn’t like a weekend? No, it’s just a regular weekend. Went in Friday night and they fucking left Monday morning.

Kalvin 48:04
Okay, so it was over the weekend at least

Nick 48:07
basically right for working most likely. And the bank manager came in on Monday morning. I was like, oh my god. The fuck. Needless to say. I think I mentioned previously that they went for this bank because he was Nixon’s dirty money. Yep. Supposedly. Well, they miscalculated. They thought Nixon wouldn’t go after his dirty money. But he’s so fucking did. He was pest they had in the interview that was conducted with one of his one of the nephews. I think it was hairy. But he was like, yeah, you know, they usually send four people on a bank robbery they sent 125 Oh shit. Yeah, they Nixon wasn’t fucking around. Never made a statement about it. But 125 federal agents that’s that’s some power.

Kalvin 49:07
Good for you Nixon way to use your power for good No, fuck Nixon.

Nick 49:11
But they they all kind of got caught relatively quickly. Except for the guy that gave this interview he was out and about for eight fucking years. And the only reason they got caught was because they I mean the feds kind of honestly I don’t buy this shit but it’s too coincidental. They found fingerprints on a dirty dish in a random nearby rented house. And they found a vehicle in a parking garage that was connected to the the crew via in Ohio robbery that happened like seven or eight years later.

Kalvin 49:50
So they call they caught the final guy how far after the initial thing

Nick 49:55
eight plus years so like nine years before he was prosecuted, but the jury You see as part of this never covered fishing, they never found on any of the money.

Kalvin 50:08
Boom. Take that Nixon.

Nick 50:11
Boom roasted fuck you Nixon.

Kalvin 50:14
Could you have pulled this one off today?

Nick 50:15
I think I could have because the moral portion of it. I fucking hate Richard Nixon. I hate his face. I hate his voice. I hate his nose. Like, I hate everything about Richard Nixon. He’s a piece of shit. I would have felt great stealing money from him.

Kalvin 50:31
For more on presidents and how to make fun of them Tune in next week.

Nick 50:35
Yeah, absolutely. You guys fucking love it. It’s gonna be a great one.


Kalvin 50:44
I don’t know about this. I like it’s too boisterous for me. Like you’re going in there. I think I would have I would have clocked out when they’re like now we’re just gonna blow the top off of them sucking dynamite

Nick 50:54
that takes a shitload of balls

Kalvin 50:56
out of it. Like no way you guys are gonna get caught. I’m not in on this. Like, the idea behind it and pulling it off. I think I could have got behind that. But when they’re like, we’re gonna use dynamite. We’re gonna blow the roof off. We’re gonna hang out there for three days. I’d be like, no, there’s no way you guys are not gonna get caught. That would

Nick 51:13
have depended on when they asked me if I was really hungry at the time. No, I’m not in default. If I’m full and satisfied. You got me?

Kalvin 51:25
Or I’d be like, Alright, look, it’s gonna take you three days. You guys go in there. Blow the roof off from day one. If you’re still there day two give me a call come by. Yeah. I’ll come crack a few safety deposit boxes open. Yeah, I’m not using I’m not going for the dynamite I’m not gonna be there in the first couple hours after you blow a fucking building up. Call me later. Yeah, I

Nick 51:45
don’t want to be there for the bad shit. But I’ll steal some money with you.

Kalvin 51:49
If I’m not busy Saturday afternoon. I might stop it.

Nick 51:55
Stop in robbed.

Kalvin 51:56
I got to go to Home Depot firstly in the morning, but maybe afterwards I could stop it.

Nick 52:00
I mean, I hear they have day laborer that let day laborers there. So I mean, you get some help.

Kalvin 52:06
Get your boy Nate.

Nick 52:09
Do you speak English? Yes, yes, we can very well.

Kalvin 52:13
I prefer English. Excellent. All right. All right. Your best shot? Yeah, like I said, this is gonna be the best one. This was almost the entire episode. So you guys let us know if this could have actually been a full episode. Now we’re going to Thomas blood in 1671.

Nick 52:37
I’m already casting doubt because no one knew what the fuck was going on in 1671.

Kalvin 52:43
Yeah, but you gotta you gotta check out the balls on this guy. All right. So Thomas blood is an Irish military officer and self styled Colonel. also worked as go have saved the skin Thomas blood. Thomas blood.

Nick 52:58
I’m not fucking with this kid. Not from from Jump Street. Dude. Fuck.

Kalvin 53:02
Your last name? assassin for hire apparently.

Nick 53:06
I mean, that’s fitting with the last name.

Kalvin 53:07
He was born in the County Clare in the kingdom of Ireland.

Nick 53:11
Kingdom environment. This dude sounds like what’s his face from Boardwalk Empire.

Kalvin 53:16
He was the son of a successful landowning blacksmith of English descent and it was partly raised at Sani near dunboyne and County Meath. really had to give that sentence the the British accent you know to really sell how like hoity toity it is.

Nick 53:32
I mean, you nailed it bro.

Kalvin 53:36
So he tell us blood had some issues in his life as he was becoming a man he he felt a lot of people in his life slighted him, for instance, the confiscations and restitutions under the Act of settlements in 1662, which sought to cancel and and all some of the grants of land and real property is allocated as reward to new holders being Cromwellian, under the Act of settlement from 1652. This brought blood to financial ruin, and in return blood sought to unite his fellow Cromwellian in Ireland to cause insurrection. So they stole some land from these people. And he wanted it back.

Nick 54:12
I mean, that’s what one naturally does. He caused an insurrection.

Kalvin 54:18
Yeah. And that’s, that’s his first dabbling in kind of, you know, pushing back against his oppressors. There’s some more examples. But to sum it up, Thomas blood was like the shittiest Count of Monte Cristo ever. And, you know, he just tried several times to an act of vengeance against anyone who he felt had wronged him whether they had or not. When after, yeah, I just read The Count of Monte Cristo, by the way. Well,

Nick 54:45
have you ever ever never had anything to deal with that?

Kalvin 54:50
And I know he’s a guy whose life has gone pretty well. He gets all these people conspire to get him arrested. So he can’t live his live his life. Well, like he wants to. And he spent 14 years in prison. And he’s there, he meets this other guy who’s been in prison and he’s gonna be there for life. But he meets this other guy he’s trying to break out, tells him that there’s this fortune on the island of Monte Cristo. And so eventually he breaks out and goes and gets all this shit from the island of Monte Cristo and then he attacks his vengeance on all these people who wronged it.

Nick 55:26
Sounds like my kind of fucking story.

Kalvin 55:28
Yeah, I read like the four and a half hour version, the original version, like 30 hours. All right, listen to on

Nick 55:34
on 30 hours.

Kalvin 55:36
30 hours at the four hour longer than Dune,

Nick 55:39
it was like 21 hours.

Kalvin 55:41
There’s a lot of a lot of French stuff going on. So it was a little hard to follow with, like all the different French names and French places, but I got the idea. Anyway, so Thomas blood, want to be Count of Monte Cristo that he was. First he conspired to storm the Dublin Castle and usurped the government kidnap James Butler, first Duke of Armand, and Lord lieutenant of Ireland for ransom. Then, blood later became associated with the wealthy George Villiers second to come bunkie Buckingham, who 19th century commentators believed us blood as a means to punish his own political and social adversaries, since his own class ranking did not allow him to meet them in the field. Whatever the fuck that means.

Nick 56:26
Sounds like some weak dick shit. Yeah.

Kalvin 56:28
Then in 1670 despite his status as a wanted man, blood returned to England and is believed to have taken the name a lof. And practice as a doctor or an apothecary in Romford market east of London. And a second attempt this time on the life of Duke Armand followed him moving there. So he’s just like going after these dudes

Nick 56:51
I’m fucking all in on this man. This shouldn’t is poetic.

Kalvin 56:55
Well, he never got away with any like he never actually completed any of these revenge tasks even better. He was very bad head.

Nick 57:04
So it makes revenge so satisfying is everyone knows you fucking suck at it.

Kalvin 57:09
So Ben blooded his accomplices attacked Armand while the ladder traveled St. James’s Street. Armand was dragged from his coat bound to one of bloods henchmen and taken on horseback along Piccadilly i plus all these British places sound made up when you read them. Sounds like you’re talking to in fucking Westeros or something.

Nick 57:29
Western rose shout out,

Kalvin 57:31
Seoul, Hong Piccadilly with the intention of hanging him at Tiber close friend of Titus.

Nick 57:38
Titus of the House Lannister.

Kalvin 57:40
So the King pinda paper to Orman’s just spelling out their reasons for his capture murder, with one of his servants who had given chase on horseback. Orman succeeded in freeing himself and escaped. So they didn’t get they didn’t get far with that.

Nick 57:55
This guy though, he’s got a set of balls on them, like no one I’ve ever seen.

Kalvin 58:00
So finally, we get the crowning jewel of Thomas bloods revenge schemes. And it came in 1671 when he attempted to steal the crown jewels of England.

Nick 58:13
Those are very badass jewels. Just Yeah,

Kalvin 58:17
it’s like the crown. And he’s got that little scepter thing going on. And there’s one more piece

Nick 58:25
like a cape. Yeah, there’s

Kalvin 58:27
a cape and there’s like a ball of some sort like a globe like a tiny globe kind of thing.

Nick 58:35
So groundless monarchy is very confusing to me just

Kalvin 58:38
just watch frozen and like when they’re naming Elsa Queen, it’s the same stuff that she’s getting. And then she kind of goes on a speech and freezes everything.

Nick 58:49
Elsa is no ice which Calvin

Kalvin 58:52
pretty sure like that was the name of the movie.

Nick 58:54
She’s an ice pitch

Kalvin 58:59
he just crown jewels are locked away in the Tower of London they’re under constant care by the keeper of the jewels which great title by the way.

Nick 59:08
The family jewels and at

Kalvin 59:10
this time it was the 77 year old Talbot Edwards like let’s get some

Nick 59:15
fuck out of here.

Kalvin 59:16
Let’s get somebody else watching these.

Nick 59:18
I’m gonna trust this 77 year old in the 1600s to protect fucking anything this dude is like he might as well be a mummy sitting there. So yeah, we got this mommy watching out for it.

Kalvin 59:31
It’s just scare people off with how old and decrepit he looks.

Nick 59:35
It smells really bad. So you know the English people. They have class and they don’t like stinky shit.

Kalvin 59:45
So they’re under constant armed guard consisting of English soldiers as well. So it’s not just a seven year old dude with fucking curses. So here’s how it all went down. Thomas and his friends he planned to gain access by he first got personally invited to the the Tower of London he was invited to the Tower of London for like some party or whatever, and then he got invited to see them through a combination of lying pageantry and elaborate costumes.

Nick 1:00:13
Let me just say, if I ever received an invite from the Tower of London, the most notorious prison on the face of the earth Till now I would like to

Kalvin 1:00:25
thought it was part of the palace. Now Either way, it’s a prison. Yeah, I don’t think it’s a prison.

Nick 1:00:30
Yeah, the Tower of London that’s like the worst prison in the fucking world ever. But just look that shit up but anything as fine if I received an invite I’d be like, nah fam. I’m fucking busy. like super busy. Can’t do it.

Kalvin 1:00:47
Ah, secure fortress royal palace and infamous prison right there in the first line.

Nick 1:00:51
I mean, that’s if I if you don’t heist something like that you’re a loser.

Kalvin 1:00:57
So he first toured the tower with his quote unquote wife. He paid a he paid a fee or most likely abroad? No, no, no, it was a fee like they would charge you extra to go actually into the room to see the jewels and stuff. So he paid that fee. And while they’re in there seeing the jewels, his quote unquote wife, who is most likely just a prostitute he hired to go with him pain stomach issues and was offered to recuperate in the Edwards’s quarters, which were right nearby the tower like inside the same building, they lived in that building. So you know, she gets a drink and kind of recovers in there a little bit, they start chatting up the Edwards, you know, the keepers of the jewels as it

Nick 1:01:41
were the jewel.

Kalvin 1:01:43
So over the next few days, blood he keeps visiting Edwards a couple more times. He presented Mrs. Edwards with four pairs of white gloves as a thank you for helping his wife in her moment of distress. So he just keeps visiting profusely thanking them, you know, great, great job. Really, you guys were there for us? just out and out schmoozing as much as he could schmooze it up. Yeah, so he keeps moving and long enough to to offer them his non existent nephew to wed the Edwards daughter

Nick 1:02:17
this guy’s getting involved

Kalvin 1:02:19
Yeah, as as he is schmoozing. Like he’s talking himself up to be something he’s obviously not that like they have all this money some local that his nephew is some like Duke or whatever. You know,

Nick 1:02:32
Mikey, you can do that in the 1600s. But like, yeah, nobody you can’t Google these people. My nephew, Enrique Yglesias, the third is a fucking Duke of your underwear.

Kalvin 1:02:43
Got some pipes on?

Nick 1:02:45
Yeah, in by pipes. I mean, he’s gonna lay that pipe on you, honey. Yeah.

Kalvin 1:02:52
Oh, he’s going back to Dick’s

Nick 1:02:56
people come here for

Kalvin 1:02:57
I mean, and that’s basically the whole story of kind of Monte Cristo is he could just fake himself like he just declared himself account and started schmoozing with all these rich hoity toity people until they let him into their circles and he could poison a bunch of people.

Nick 1:03:10
He’s like, Listen, I have a huge dick. So don’t worry about what I’m putting in your drink. It’s good for you.

Kalvin 1:03:18
He also offered a hefty retainer to seal the deal. And I can’t write the term seal the deal without going seal deal. Seal deal. My seal deal. I gotta make this I gotta go make the deal for my seals. See, I

Nick 1:03:30
think of Tapan volbeat they have a song called seal the deal

Kalvin 1:03:38
now always goes back to Arrested Development with me.

Nick 1:03:41
I mean, I’m sorry. But you know,

Kalvin 1:03:46
he was he throws in a bunch of money and he’s invited back for a personal dinner in with his nephew and a few friends too so the nephew can meet the Edwards meet the daughter all that again. Not Israel nephew doesn’t have a nephew just like some dude that he said. Hey, for tonight, you’re my nephew. You’re gonna marry this broad

Nick 1:04:05
and here’s a shitload of money. He’s like fucking tie.

Kalvin 1:04:08
So the the he gets the keeper of the jewels little sauced up starts begging. I want to see the jewels. I want to see jewels. You guys take me to like what am I gonna do? I’m we’re friends now. Right? Just take me to see him. What’s the big deal eventually convinces him shown the jewels. So he his nephew and two more accomplices go down with the keeper of the jewels, too. And like, again, this guy’s 77 like, Can we not put him in charge? He’s just looking for a friendly lonely old man. Looking for a friend.

Nick 1:04:34
Somebody married his daughter. Come on, you know it took like not being charged up like four hours to get to the jewel Hall and they’re all just like, Fuck this. I’m done. I don’t even want to marry this bench anymore. Fuck these dudes.

Kalvin 1:04:46
Well, they didn’t actually have to marry anyone. Like that was all that was all part of the con. Well, I

Nick 1:04:49
mean, you got to play the con to be the con. Yeah.

Kalvin 1:04:54
So Edwards didn’t know that blood in his entourage are armed with pistols, daggers and Had freakin sores inside their freakin canes like their freakin Lucius freakin Malfoy.

Nick 1:05:04
How do you not notice that dude? guns were huge back then. Were they in their pistols The old man was like Jesus young lads, you guys are fucking packing

Kalvin 1:05:15
just happy about this wedding with your your daughter coming up shit.

Nick 1:05:17
I wish I was in doubt like you you’re packing.

Kalvin 1:05:21
So once the room was unlocked, blood knocked out, Edwards obviously sees the crown jewels and take while his men stood guard. So all they did was like bonk him on the head and they’re good. Actually, he he apparently fought back pretty hard.

Nick 1:05:35
By hard you like knocked him, like tripped him up. And he was just like, Oh,

Kalvin 1:05:40
well, they like knocked him out, tied him up and then like he just wouldn’t quiet down while he was tied up. I mean, 77 How hard can he really fight?

Nick 1:05:47
I mean, how does he have teeth at 77 in the 1600s?

Kalvin 1:05:52
I mean, dentures were a thing back then. George Washington famously had dentures only 100 years later.

Nick 1:05:57
I mean, those were ivory. Didn’t have ivory in England.

Kalvin 1:06:01
The guy looking after the crown. Are you kidding me? The colonizers of England don’t have iron, ivory. Now, they were all over Africa and Asia stealing some elephant. No

Nick 1:06:10
way. Okay, definitely. I’m totally being facetious.

Kalvin 1:06:20
So apparently they had trouble getting everything out of the room without being noticed, because now they’ve got a fucking crown and a scepter and all this other shit. So they took some measures to make it a little easier by just completely destroying everything. They flatten the ballot. They saw the Royal scepter in half. And they shoved the sovereigns orb. That’s the thing. Which sovereigns are also great name for your next fantasy epic. The Sovereign’s orb part one.

Nick 1:06:50
I like that. Please don’t shut me

Kalvin 1:06:52
down one of their pants. I

Nick 1:06:54
was gonna say please don’t tell me they shut up their ass. That’s not

Kalvin 1:06:57
what I’m trying to pants. So now they got the pistol in there and the orb. So it looks like they’re really packed like

Nick 1:07:03
Dude, you should probably chill out a little bit.

Kalvin 1:07:07
You need to go take a shower. I’m praying for you. Seriously, Jeremy, come on. Yes.

Nick 1:07:11
I mean, come on, Jim. If I can pack in front and back, get out of town.

Kalvin 1:07:17
And they almost got away with it.

Nick 1:07:20
If it wasn’t for those pesky kids,

Kalvin 1:07:22
I kind of so Edward son surreptitiously returns to visit his parents for like he’s coming back from university or whatever. Just randomly came back this night and stumbled upon blood and his accomplices as they’re trying to escape.

Nick 1:07:37

Kalvin 1:07:39
So blood seeing this he he’s like, we’re out of here. guns blazing at this point. They’re getting out, make it to their horses. But then as they’re escaping on horseback, he gets caught by his cape on like a gate or something.

Nick 1:07:54
So anyway, I started blasting.

Kalvin 1:07:57
Exactly that was Thomas blood flow they’re just blasted left and right. Get on the horse cape gets in the way and that’s why Edna mode will not put capes on your supersuit I mean

Nick 1:08:08
that’s this interference

Kalvin 1:08:11
and as after as Kate was cape was caught he’s piled on by several armed guards that you know the guys that were supposed to be protecting this stuff in the first place they finally caught up but

Nick 1:08:21
you know they’re like sitting together like thank fucking god this idiot we’re cabe we would have been fucked

Kalvin 1:08:26
we got him guys tell the king we got it we’re good we’re good totally get away we go we caught him in the building. Yeah, we were there the whole he

Nick 1:08:34
never got in the first place.

Kalvin 1:08:36
How did how did the crown get flattened? You know that was that was my bad I stepped on my back.

Nick 1:08:41
You know, I heard around

Kalvin 1:08:47
the keeper of the jewels. His wife’s a witch actually. And yes, she broke all this stuff.

Nick 1:08:53
What a butthole.

Kalvin 1:08:56
So the items they were obviously recovered, but in their several states of disrepair. King Charles the second, who was the king at the time was so impressed with his attempt that he offered blood a full pardon, and gave him land and Ireland as a pension. What? Yeah, dude, he’s like, No, you know?

Nick 1:09:16
What fucking big dick energy man like the most beautiful place on Earth. Here’s some land. And

Kalvin 1:09:23
he’s Irish to like blood was Irish to begin going back to his homeland. Full pardon from the king.

Nick 1:09:29
That is money right there, dude. one step further.

Kalvin 1:09:33
There’s a short poem that was written about him from john wilmont, the second Earl of Rochester. He wrote this in his history of the insipid blood that wears treason in his face, villain complete in Parsons gown, how much he is at court and grace for stealing ormond and the crown. Since loyalty does man no good, Let’s steal the king and out do blood. Good and blood. Don’t really know But

Nick 1:10:00
you know what? It’s tight. I like it. That’s a good yeah.

Kalvin 1:10:05
So here comes the big questions. Could we have pulled this off? I gotta go no on this one.

Nick 1:10:10
I mean, the balls on these guys. I don’t think I can match it.

Kalvin 1:10:16
So I think I think I’m smooth and personable enough to, like persuade the keeper of the jewels into letting me Get up and close and personal and like look at the unguarded jewels. Like I could have befriended that guy. He seemed like a pretty cool 77 year old. I just like, Hey, I don’t think I could have gotten the rest to fall in place.

Nick 1:10:36
As long as you get the 77 year old, you know, the rest will fall in place because he runs shit. He’s got in his pocket. He’s got fuckin you know, old stories. Everybody loves that

Kalvin 1:10:49
stuff like mung beans.

Nick 1:10:50
Yeah, sounds like mung beans. He grows shit in his desk. I’m not a fan.

Kalvin 1:10:55
Just in general, this kind of goes back to what you were saying is I just, I would make a terrible con man. Like, I couldn’t pull off everything else that went around this surrounding the actual house. Like

Nick 1:11:06
I could have gotten in that room. But I couldn’t have played the long con. Oh, dude. Guaranteed. All the anxiety anticipation. Yeah, would have made me shit my pants. Yeah, I’d be sitting there like, Oh, fuck, we’re about to do it. And I’m like, fuck, dude.

Kalvin 1:11:20
I feel bad for days. If I lie on a serious level about the smallest dumbest things. I took almost anyone. And so like, I just this guilt and anxiety. Like you’re saying that that would just eat away at me even like on these small things. a white lie. I’m fine. But like, anything bigger than that. I’m just like, Oh, I should probably just go tell him I should probably just, you know, make up some excuse of why I said that. And like, Yeah, I just, it’s easier. Just tell the truth. So like pulling this long con on this dude, telling him I’m selling my nephew and all this other shit. Like, I couldn’t do it. Yeah, that’s

Nick 1:11:56
let me sell you this person. That would be the man he wasn’t

Kalvin 1:11:59
selling the person. He was like they were it was a arranged marriage. Like that was a thing that happened. Yeah, you know, it wasn’t real and the wife wasn’t real. So like, that is the stuff I would have trouble. I’d be able to befriend the keeper. Probably even talk them into the private tour. I just had, I’d have a really hard time, you know, just getting into their home setting up my nephew for the marriage and all that like I would just I would just try and be a real friend to the keeper of the jewels. And I’d have trouble with the violence. This one got violent. Just a wee bit. Yeah, if I got in there. Same thing with the dynamite in yours. I’d want to be more discreet about it. I’m not knocking some old dude on the head. Yet I’d have to come up with like, just excuses and excuses on top it to be brought down to the jewels. And then like as I got there, I’d have to plan the perfect way to like sneak them into my coat or something without anyone noticing. I couldn’t knock someone out.

Nick 1:12:56
I just offer him tons of snacks. Like I got this fabrega 85 pound bag of werthers. So

Kalvin 1:13:05
select $3 a lot. Yes,

Nick 1:13:06
sir. Dude, he’d be like fucking righteous. Let me do that.

Kalvin 1:13:11
So out of all these ones that we talked about, I think a lot of them could do with movie adaptations. It sounds like you’re one in Brazil already got made it into. Actually, the California

Nick 1:13:20
one got made into a movie. Oh, watch movie. I don’t recall. But it’s old and shitty. That helps you at all. I think

Kalvin 1:13:32
this one needs a serious movie adaptation. There’s a lot that goes into this. There was there was apparently a movie in 1935. But I think we need like a modern version of this

Nick 1:13:42
only if De Niro can play the old man or like Dustin Hoffman? That’d be perfect.

Kalvin 1:13:48
Nah, I think I think you age up Benedict Cumberbatch. Or somebody Oh my god. I’m British guy there. You’re naming American people. You need a British guy that Merck. Whoever played Michael Caine?

Nick 1:14:00
That’s Yes, perfect. Perfect. This

Kalvin 1:14:02
movie would be like he got the Count of Monte Cristo meets Pirates of the Caribbean meets Logan lucky with just a dash of Dumb and Dumber thrown in there because this guy was such a fuckup for most of us like 100% and that I mean, that goes to the Logan lucky two part of it of like, you got these complete fuck ups that actually almost pull something off such a good movie. And you’d have this movie that focuses on this bumbling idiot hell bent on revenge for all these perceived slights throughout his life. And he keeps failing and failing and failing and then finally the perfect Khan comes along and he does everything right and he gets it perfect. And just when he thinks he’s finally pulled it off, pure dumb luck, but not his own dumb luck this time confounds him once again, as the sun shows up, and foils his plot

Nick 1:14:46
foils that shit.

Kalvin 1:14:48
Yeah. You get to see you know, all the failed attempts. Then when it’s finally in the good graces with the the keeper of the jewels. You’re starting to root for him. You’re like, Alright, I got it. Got it. And then it all comes crashing down. In the end, unfortunately, so those are real life hacks. If you guys out there listening have heard of any other real life heists. Hit us up.

Nick 1:15:08
Yeah, because we want to hear about only one isoko worth a damn.

Kalvin 1:15:12
No, I’ll read about pretty much any heist. They’re pretty fun to read about this is Trump we do have a single Twitter shout out one person responded to our poll that has nothing to do with ice from today. So I said I would give a shout out so I have to I’m a man of my word. I asked who’s going to win the Super Bowl this year because I didn’t have a good one that went along with heist. And the options were the Kansas City Chiefs Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Cleveland Brown, nobody voted for the Browns poor Browns or other in the comments. How

Nick 1:15:38
do you not have hackers on there, dude?

Kalvin 1:15:41
Cuz I was just fucking around. I just, I wanted to throw a team that had no chance of winning. And I hit the Packers. That’s fair. So D VHS Library and Learning Commons says the saints are gonna win.

Nick 1:15:53
No, get the fuck out of here.

Kalvin 1:15:56
I think they’re gonna be there. I don’t think they’ll win it. But I think they’re gonna be there.

Nick 1:15:59
No. got fired on it.

Kalvin 1:16:02
I know, we already talked about this a couple weeks ago, go back and listen to NFL in the time of COVID. If you really want to hear our opinions on that. And we got some new stuff coming along. I am working on moving everything into YouTube. So if you want to listen to a podcast on YouTube, which like I don’t get people who do that, but I guess some people do i do that all the time. There you go. Nick. Does it? Yeah. Why? What’s the point?

Nick 1:16:24
Honestly, it’s just

Kalvin 1:16:27
do you listen to ones that have that you can see like the people talking or the ones with just a static picture? Well,

Nick 1:16:33
I just I’ve listened first and foremost. So what I do is I usually add videos that I will like to watch in the future. And often that’s a recommended video. So it’ll just kind of pop up as I’m going through my normal videos and I’m listening to as I work.

Kalvin 1:16:50
Gotcha. You know, they have specific apps for listening to podcasts, right?

Nick 1:16:55
Yes, I do. But I don’t always want to listen to podcasts. Sometimes I want to listen to 25 best. I don’t know.


By what culture? And then all right, just listen to podcasts.

Kalvin 1:17:10
What culture has disappeared from my recommendations and YouTube? I don’t know why I haven’t been watching enough of their stuff too bad.

Nick 1:17:16
They’re great.

Kalvin 1:17:17
Yeah, I love what culture I was on a tear with them for a while anyway. So you will be able to it’s just gonna be a static picture with the sound so like, if you like listening on YouTube, you’ll be able to do that soon. There you go. Trying to get the whole back catalogue uploaded. I don’t know how that’s gonna work. But we’re gonna try you’ll see oh god so that’s coming soon. We’re gonna have a newsletter coming up soon. If I can get that to work out. We’ll do some fun stuff there giveaways Q and A’s things like that. You Yeah, a lot of new ideas for the new year. New Year new me. New us. Yeah. New something. So yeah, stay tuned. There’s a lot of cool stuff coming and tell your friends about us and leave a review on the iTunes

Nick 1:17:58
helps a ton and it’s free.

Kalvin 1:18:02
There you go. Thank you for listening. Thank you to those cats for providing all the music for a podcast about something

Nick 1:18:09
you guys say sassy

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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